serenityqueen

Finally at Peace

Linda

10/6/64 - 4/1/91

Some of you are already aware of this, others aren't.
I'm not seeking sympathy from those who read this

I just want everyone to know that this disease can and will take anyone

any age, any time

It's not particular in it's victims.

Who it takes or who it leaves behind.

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You see, Linda was my little Sister. We started getting high together at a young age. We thought it great, two Sisters, only two years apart who were so close. We shared secrets, stories, pasts, hopes, wishes, dreams, family and our drugs and alcohol.

When Linda was diagnosed with Cirrhosis of the Liver right before Christmas of 1990, none of us truly believed that it was as serious as the doctors said.

She was only 26 years old for God's Sakes.

Linda tried very hard not to drink. But the disease was too strong. She drank for about a week when on Feb. 15, 1991, she began throwing up blood with chunks of her stomach at the same time. It was touch and go for six weeks. On Fri, March 29, the doctors anticipated her release on April 3. Linda called me out to the hospital. I found a sitter for Brandon who had just turned two in Jan. I can still see my Sister sitting on the hospital bed, wearing that fugly hospital gown and with as much of a smile that she could muster when she looked at me and said,"I can't do this by myself. Will you ask the Nurse how I can see about going into the treatment program here at Hospital? I want to go straight there from here next week, I know if I go home, I'll drink." After many tears and hugs, I spoke to the Nurse who had someone from the Tx Unit there within about 20 minutes. Linda did her 1st Step right there in that room that very afternoon.

The entire Family was so relieved that Linda would be finally getting the help she needed.

What did I do? I went out that night and got drunk for her. I spent the whole Easter weekend getting hammered, celebrating her getting help.

In the evening on Easter Sunday, March 31, Linda began passing blood. Within hours, her kidneys shut down, the bleeding couldn't be stopped and her blood pressure was dropping fast. The Dr.'s said that it would only be a matter of time before her heart gave out. My little Sister was dying.

I signed the paperwork to let her die with dignity. As much dignity as she had left. There was no hope.

Linda died on April 1, 1991 at the age of 26. Her cause of death on her death certificate is listed at Heart Failure with the secondary cause of death being Alcoholic Cirrohosis.

The day my Sister was to go into treatment, we buried her.

You would have thought that this would have been the warning I needed to get Clean & Sober myself. It wasn't. I went through 14 more years of my own hell before I hit my bottom.

Today, I celebrate Recovery for Linda. She never got to live her life free from the grip of this horrible disease of Addiction.

For anyone reading this, I beg you. Don't put YOUR Family Members through what me and my Family went through watching Linda die.

Everyone who reads this is either someone's Son or Daughter, Brother or Sister, Neice or Nephew, Granddaughter or Grandson.

Or someone's Mom or Dad.

God, grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot Change, Courage to Change the things that I can and the Wisdom to know the Difference.

GreatEscape

Thank you so much for sharing Linda's story - her experience puts all of our lives in the right perspective. I felt very emotional reading your post, but it touched me in a good way. Linda may have moved on but she has left you a legacy of courage and hope. Thanks again.

Great Escape

Spiritual Seeker

Linda, dear sweet one, rest in peace.

SerenityQueen, you have an amazing spirit and I love what you have to say.
Blessing to you on this special but difficult day.

Rella927

Thank you for sharing this story it breaks my heart-I watch my brother who is 51 and has bled from the liver and still continues to drink. I wish I could help him but, I cannot.

This post made me cry on so many levels-Happy and Sad.

You are an amazing sister and filled with so much hope, love and spirit your sister would be proud!

Blessings to you on this day!

gypsytears

Thank you for your very personal message SerenityQueen. Your sister was as special as you are and her story is a powerful reminder for those still caught in the midst of the pain that drinking brings.

kelsh

I have a brother that is 66 and is in the process of detoxing now from alcohol & methametaphine (sp) and it has been a long road for him.

I have been sober 19 years and I had not heard from him for three years until last week...he is with a sober friend who is helping him.

I had no idea my brother was using drugs but did know of his alcoholism...he has been to treatment several times...mostly court ordered...when in trouble with the law.

He is in the same boat again...didn't appear for court hearing on $1300 ticket for driving while revoked, & under the influence of drugs/alcohol...so will be back in the county jail again when they catch up to him...

The rest of the story is too long for here & I have already posted about our family home & the need to sell it...but that is the next issue to tackle with him.

I feel so sad inside and know I cannot change him...so just give him my Love.

kelsh

least

THat was truly frightening. I do'nt want that to be my death certificate. I don't want to die before my time is really here. I've wasted too much time already. Thank you for posting this. It's a wake-up hit upside the head for me. I'm 30 years past 26 but too young to die. Thank you for posting what I needed to hear.:ghug3

supernothing

i came on here to moan and complain about my horrible life and horrible mood swings, somehow after reading this, i no longer feel inclined.
Thank you for sharing that with everyone, and thank you for making me realise just how much i have to be thankful for, and how paramount my new found sobriety is and must continue to be
xx.

IO Storm

I was healed of cirrhosis in 1997 and relapsed in 2005....but am still here , only by the grace of God, healthy again.

Thank you for this moving story, to remind those of us still here to stop...and to stay
stopped..while there is still time.

We CAN do it together!

Love,

Sherry

serenityqueen

:ghug2Thank you to everyone who read my thread or sent me a reply.

At my regular meeting tonight @ 5:30, of course as soon as Nancy, the Chairperson and might I add my new Sponsor, asked if anyone had a topic, you know I was the first one to say, "My names Judy, I'm an addict and alcoholic . . . ."

My first year in Recovery on this day, I brought it up through many tears. I was holding on to all of that guilt and shame that I had felt. I felt guilty for being the first one who got Linda high many years ago. I was the one who signed the papers to let her die with dignity (even though we had spoke about this many times over the years after watching our Grandpa suffer) I still felt guilt over this. Some of you also know that I caught my Sister and my Husband at the time in bed together when Brandon was around 5 months old. I threw my husband out but wanted him back with me. I was so codependent on him that I thought he was all I deserved. They lived together for a year after this. Linda and I had just started speaking again when she got sick. Her admittance into the hospital was actually when we began to speak more than say the forced, nervous hellos at family functions. When she was in the hospital between Feb. 15 and April 1, I had told her I forgave her, but I hadn't. So when she died, my mind was a mess. Like I said, I had the guilt of being the first one who got her high, but also, my disease told me that I didn't sign those papers to let her die with dignity. I signed those out of a last revenge or whatever for her and my now ex having an affair while we were still married. Even though I knew that wasn't true, my disease wanted to keep me in it's grasp. It was stronger than my common sense. I was also angry for her leaving me. I wasn't supposed to grow old without my Sister! We had so many things to share through our lives. My Son was only two and Linda adored him. She called him her "little man."

My second year in Recovery on the Anniversary of her death, once again I brought it up at a Meeting. This time, I was still grieving terribly. I was mad at God for taking her from me and everyone else. This messed with my head. How could I be mad at my Higher Power? God carried me through my years out there using. I think of how many times I should have died from the amt. of drugs I was doing, the times I drove and rode with people so high that we should have not been behind the wheel, the times I could have been shot for being in such shady neighborhoods, or the retaliation of people who I pissed off while I was using/selling drugs. But God kept me alive. He helped me get clean and sober. I began to realize that I have a purpose for being spared.

This year, on my Third year in Recovery on April 1st, I am feeling so much gratitude. I am so Blessed. I have lived through this hell on earth that I have lived since I was 11 years old. I have earned back the love, trust and pride of my Family and have wonderful new friends in the Program. I no longer hate the person that I am. I can look into a mirror and say "You know what? You've come a long way Baby!" (showing my age here) I have endless opportunities that so many addict/alcoholics will never have the chance to experience. I have a list of phone numbers of friends who I know I can call any time, day or night and say that I need to talk and they will listen as long as I need them. What other group of people can meet at different days and times all throughout the city and share their good times as well as bad? I know many people who pay a psychologist good money to have them listen. I can throw a dollar in a basket if I so choose. If I don't have it, I'm not billed. I can throw in an extra one another day. Also, I don't think there is a "Normal people forum" here on the internet!

I had someone reply to my post saying they had came on here to moan and groan about their troubles. Yes, we all need to vent, to share our thoughts and feelings in order to stay clean and sober.

But I think everyone needs to remember to find gratitude each day. No matter what's going on in your life, there are always many things to be grateful for.

Thank you all for letting me share today. I know I tend to be very wordy, I just have found a wonderful place to share my experience, strength and hope and I am truly Blessed today!

Hugs to All!
Judy :ghug2

BUTTERFLY-7

. .

Aysha

CAPTAINZING2000

my heart goes out to you

destroys us before it kills us

tesquizito

Seriously, your share strikes to the heart of all of us. My god.

I pray for you to find and keep peace with your sister's early departure, and the terrible loss.

slangley82

Wow. Powerful post. Sometimes it takes something like that to move us and even then its hard to shift. It took my fiance leaving me and even then it was a struggle.

RK2007

Just reading this post makes me appreciate the gravity of this illness all over again and the destruction it causes.

I'm sorry for your loss Serenity, Linda - may you rest in peace, we'll all meet up some day in the stars soon.

Tazman53

Judy I have shed a few tears as I read this thread, you know she did not die in vain, I am sure you have heard it in the rooms and have possibly said it your self, some of us must die so that others may live.

God had to hit me upside the head with a 2X4 for me to see that if I kept on drinking I was going to die!!!

In memeory of Linda I think it would be awesome if her story was one of the stickies at the top of all of the boards dealing with alcoholism.

Many of us whine about how miserable our lifes are due to our drinking, but still continue to relapse over and over again. Linda's story could be some one elses 2X4 upside the head that lets them know that if they keep on drinking it is going to KILL THEM!!!!!

Judy you are a true reflection of AA recovery, you are growing every day in your spiritual sobriety, you hold out the hope that every suffering alcoholic needs to see, you share your experience and strength.

Linda is smilling right now upon you Judy, she is smiling because you sharing her story has saved someones life.

dave47

Thank you Judy, God bless.

Toomutch

Serenity Queen,

I just read tis post after not coming online for a couple of days.
I wanted to thank you for sharing your story, it brought out a lot of emotion for me. God bless you.

Suzette

Done_With_It

Thank You for sharing your story with us. It is one of hope, strength, and you my dear are very inspiring.

Some posts tend to reach out to us and help us grow in some way. Thanks for being that one for me today. :ghug2