My heads screwy and I feel gross
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
My heads screwy and I feel gross
I should be feeling great. Coke free for 2008 and 35 days for pills, and booze, and whatever else I use to come across.
This clean time has been different cause im actually working on recovery rather than just counting days.
Ive been in alot of pain and went to the ER, but they couldnt really do much to help me and referred me to the clinic, but I have to wait almost 2 more weeks for the appointment. Everything hurts and its making me want to get high so I can get some temporary relief. Since I havent been using I also have some money put aside and I feel like saying screw it and spending it on some coke, but i know deep down thats not what I really want to do.
I dont know what the point of this thread is I guess Im just trying to work out whats going on in my head.
What I need is a good walk, but my legs hurt.
The thought of doing drugs is really scairy to me at this point, cause things do seem to be smoother.
I have been thinking about it a little too much though, and that scares me also. Right before I go to sleep I make mental plans to call someone the next day and cop something. Ive been doing it for about a week now, but by morning I forget about it. i threw away all dealers #'s so I guess thats that, but im sure I could get in contact if I really wanted to. Ive been away from the crack areas too long and lost the feeling of being safe. I know to well that I have no business being anywhere near those neighborhoods and people. I actually care now if I get arrested, raped, killed or OD.
Okay I see Im feeling a little woblly, I hope I dont call any dealers or have any liquor delivered.
This clean time has been different cause im actually working on recovery rather than just counting days.
Ive been in alot of pain and went to the ER, but they couldnt really do much to help me and referred me to the clinic, but I have to wait almost 2 more weeks for the appointment. Everything hurts and its making me want to get high so I can get some temporary relief. Since I havent been using I also have some money put aside and I feel like saying screw it and spending it on some coke, but i know deep down thats not what I really want to do.
I dont know what the point of this thread is I guess Im just trying to work out whats going on in my head.
What I need is a good walk, but my legs hurt.
The thought of doing drugs is really scairy to me at this point, cause things do seem to be smoother.
I have been thinking about it a little too much though, and that scares me also. Right before I go to sleep I make mental plans to call someone the next day and cop something. Ive been doing it for about a week now, but by morning I forget about it. i threw away all dealers #'s so I guess thats that, but im sure I could get in contact if I really wanted to. Ive been away from the crack areas too long and lost the feeling of being safe. I know to well that I have no business being anywhere near those neighborhoods and people. I actually care now if I get arrested, raped, killed or OD.
Okay I see Im feeling a little woblly, I hope I dont call any dealers or have any liquor delivered.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
Im hangin in cause I dont want to go backwards anymore. I also keep telling myself. Even if I got high and got some temporary relief that all it will be, temporary. Once i come down im only gonna feel worse.
Im also liking the idea that I have some money saved i think I would like to keep it instead of burning it up. With that said I still have that nagging voice in the back of my head thats scheming. Man Im so screwed up today.
Im also liking the idea that I have some money saved i think I would like to keep it instead of burning it up. With that said I still have that nagging voice in the back of my head thats scheming. Man Im so screwed up today.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Change4....that voice...the one nagging you...it's full of lies...you know it....ignore it....it needs you to take action....if you don't it grows weaker. Let it scream...its all hollow....YOU CONTROL YOUR ACTIONS!!!!! Hoping ain't gonna cut it.....
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
Yea I have one sober friend. Pathetic...........
Anyway shes at work so I got myself busy. There is something very therapeutic about organizing and especially throwing uneccassary crap away so Im going through all the little papers I have all over the place of thoughts, mini poems, songs and stories im always writing. I have **** stored all over the place and I need to consolidate badly. I am the worst when it comes to cutting out articles saving magazines and newspapers. I feel like im getting myself a little more organized so thats a good thing.
Its really nice out so Im gonna try to get out. Ive thought about going to meetings, but in the past they had the opposite of the intended effect and I would usually leave and go use. Im afraid to take the chance. Im afraid of the meetings around here cause I know alot of people that go because it was mandated by court or probation. They arent serious and get together to use after the meeting. I dont feel safe in that environment. Maybe its changed, but from what I hear it hasnt. I would like to see for myself, but if it hasnt changed and I meet up with the wrong people I will be in trouble.
I might have a better chance with AA I dont know.
Im trying to find my meeting book, but i moved everything around and its not where I thought it was. So much for organizing. Im gonna check online
Anyway shes at work so I got myself busy. There is something very therapeutic about organizing and especially throwing uneccassary crap away so Im going through all the little papers I have all over the place of thoughts, mini poems, songs and stories im always writing. I have **** stored all over the place and I need to consolidate badly. I am the worst when it comes to cutting out articles saving magazines and newspapers. I feel like im getting myself a little more organized so thats a good thing.
Its really nice out so Im gonna try to get out. Ive thought about going to meetings, but in the past they had the opposite of the intended effect and I would usually leave and go use. Im afraid to take the chance. Im afraid of the meetings around here cause I know alot of people that go because it was mandated by court or probation. They arent serious and get together to use after the meeting. I dont feel safe in that environment. Maybe its changed, but from what I hear it hasnt. I would like to see for myself, but if it hasnt changed and I meet up with the wrong people I will be in trouble.
I might have a better chance with AA I dont know.
Im trying to find my meeting book, but i moved everything around and its not where I thought it was. So much for organizing. Im gonna check online
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
I really do appreciate the fact that meetings help so many of you, but I dont know I think ive said this before, i just checked the meeting list and none are close enough. There was a meeting in my town wed. its gone, friday night gone. They have meetings at 12 or 1pM, but I work from 12-4 so that doesnt work.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Hi,
You're right that recovery can be a bumpy road and you're just going through a bumpy period right now. It's good that you are being proactive since you are thinking about using. The things you're doing are great - getting outside and walking is a super idea.
You're right that recovery can be a bumpy road and you're just going through a bumpy period right now. It's good that you are being proactive since you are thinking about using. The things you're doing are great - getting outside and walking is a super idea.
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
"CHANGE FOR LIFE WOW" I LUV YOUR SCREAM NAME,I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU I COULD I.D. WITH YOU, ABOUT THE THOUGH BATTLE LING, AND THE RESERVATION IN BACK OF OUR MINES, I ALWAYS SAID IT ITS EASY PUTTING THAT DRINK AND DRUG DOWN,BUT WHAT IS HARD IS THE CHANGE OF BEHAVIOR AND THINKING AND ATTITUDE,LISTEN CHANGE FOR LIFE I KNOW ITS NOT EASY, THIS OLD CON RAT,OR VETERAN, HOW EVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT,KNOWS WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT AND MANY OF US IN THIS SITE, BUT I'M GOING TO KEEP IT REAL ITS ABOUT COMMITMENT, THE SAME WAY WE WHERE COMMITTED TO BE LOYAL TO THAT CUNNING DISEASE OF ADDICTION,WELL HONEY WITH THAT SAME ENERGY YOU MUST BE COMMITTED,LIKE I SAID THIS DISEASE IS NOT PLAYING NOR WITH YOU, OR ME, OR ANYONE, ENTERTAINING THOSE THOUGHTS IS LIKE DANCING WITH THE DEVIL.WE CANT DO THIS ALONE,GET YOUR SELF A GOOD BASE RECOVERY PROGRAM, OR IF YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE GET YOUR SELF A/A,AND N/A,MEETINGS YOU SAID YOU THROUGH OUT OLD PHONE #'S FROM DEALERS,SO NOW GET YOUR SELF A NEW PHONE BOOK, OR IF YOU GOT A CELL PHONE ERAZE ALL NEGATIVE CONTACTS, AND AVOID PEOPLE, PLACES, AND THINGS. THIS IS YOUR LIFE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT, LIVE IT LIKE IS YOUR LAST DAY, WE ONLY HAVE ONE LIVE, CAUSE IF WE WHERE LIKE CATS WITH 9-LIVES, SHOOT WHAT THE HECK WE WILL NEVER COME TO RECOVERY!!!!!!!"THINK ABOUT IT THIS DISEASE IS CUNNING,HEADIEST,BAFFLING, AND DEADLY,THINK ABOUT ALL THOSE THAT COULDN'T MAKE IT BACK,YOU WHERE FORTUNATE AND BLESS FOR MAKING IT BACK DON'T TAKE THAT FOR GRANTED "YOU ARE A MIRACLE"GOD BLESS YOU&KEEP YOU STRONG!!!!!!! 
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Beth..I am so proud of how great you have been doing.
Even seem to be happy lately.
Those thoughts are gonna be waiting for you to let your guard down and give in.
I know how you feel about the pain.
My back legs and especially my feet and knees have been killing me for months now.
Dr wont give me anything because I am an addict.
So ibuprofen is all I have to try and make dull.
You already know..Using is not going anywhere.
Your not alone in how you feel.
You know that too.
I know sometimes it just feels good to get it out somewhere also.
No point needed in getting **** off your mind.
Keep doing your thing.
Your doing so wonderful. I know your a strong person and will keep doing it.
Even seem to be happy lately.
Those thoughts are gonna be waiting for you to let your guard down and give in.
I know how you feel about the pain.
My back legs and especially my feet and knees have been killing me for months now.
Dr wont give me anything because I am an addict.
So ibuprofen is all I have to try and make dull.
You already know..Using is not going anywhere.
Your not alone in how you feel.
You know that too.
I know sometimes it just feels good to get it out somewhere also.
No point needed in getting **** off your mind.
Keep doing your thing.
Your doing so wonderful. I know your a strong person and will keep doing it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
Trish you are right I have been feeling happy lately. worrying about everything was really dragging me down. Ive taken putting my trust in a higher power to the extreme. Threw my hands up and said whatit is , is what it is. Without the worrying I have time to concentrate on things that will be positive improve the quality of my life, and make mysel as happy as possible.
Today I am very happy and proud of myself.. i was struggling last night, but I stuck it out and I made it through. today was the first time in a long time I wanted to look in the mirror. A morning with no regrets feels good. Also by staying home I was there when a call about another PT job I applied for came in. I start Saturday night. Small Italian restaurant. The tips wont be much, but its something.
Today I am very happy and proud of myself.. i was struggling last night, but I stuck it out and I made it through. today was the first time in a long time I wanted to look in the mirror. A morning with no regrets feels good. Also by staying home I was there when a call about another PT job I applied for came in. I start Saturday night. Small Italian restaurant. The tips wont be much, but its something.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
You know Beth..We have both said how you and I are so much alike in this.
And I just went through the same exact thing when I relapsed last month. Lost the job again..Spent crazy money in 2 days. Felt like a big piece of crap.
And what made it worse was that I was only 2 weeks from having 90 days for the first time ever. My family left and I was alone for a week by myself.
I was high before they even got off the ground.
It was hell trying to find a job. If it wasnt one thing it was another. Bills ..Bills..and more Bills. Bought a car with the tax check and no job. Not knowing when I would have one. I thought I was going to lose it.
I had a total meltdown in my Dr's office.
I listened to everyones advice and already knew that there was nothing I could do except do the best I could with what I had and just keep trying.
I knew getting high was the last thing I wanted to do. I was so angry at myself for relapsing. I was going through hell because of it.
Finally. I said F it. What happens ..happens. All I can do is what I am suppose to do and thats it.
You have said that is what you have decided to do.
And now I am finally getting it together. Slowly but sure.
And see....You got that call and you feel good about yourself.
All we can do is what we are suppose to.
It's times like that. That the serenity prayer makes total sense to me.
I really care about how you do. And I see so much change in you.
Adn I am tearing up right now thinking that neither one of us have to live like that anymore.
Even more...That we dont want to.
Keep it up...You have come a very long way.
And I just went through the same exact thing when I relapsed last month. Lost the job again..Spent crazy money in 2 days. Felt like a big piece of crap.
And what made it worse was that I was only 2 weeks from having 90 days for the first time ever. My family left and I was alone for a week by myself.
I was high before they even got off the ground.
It was hell trying to find a job. If it wasnt one thing it was another. Bills ..Bills..and more Bills. Bought a car with the tax check and no job. Not knowing when I would have one. I thought I was going to lose it.
I had a total meltdown in my Dr's office.
I listened to everyones advice and already knew that there was nothing I could do except do the best I could with what I had and just keep trying.
I knew getting high was the last thing I wanted to do. I was so angry at myself for relapsing. I was going through hell because of it.
Finally. I said F it. What happens ..happens. All I can do is what I am suppose to do and thats it.
You have said that is what you have decided to do.
And now I am finally getting it together. Slowly but sure.
And see....You got that call and you feel good about yourself.
All we can do is what we are suppose to.
It's times like that. That the serenity prayer makes total sense to me.
I really care about how you do. And I see so much change in you.
Adn I am tearing up right now thinking that neither one of us have to live like that anymore.
Even more...That we dont want to.
Keep it up...You have come a very long way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Beth)))
I've been where you're at, too. Every time I got stressed, I came to SR and "talked" about it with someone. I also have a few e-mail addresses from people here, and it's fun to just chat sometimes with someone.
You and Trish are doing so good, and I'm really proud of you both! When I actually started making money, it felt great! I wait tables, too, and one day it just hit me...I work too darn hard to blow my money on crack!
I still get stressed about things...I have legal issues, major bills that I'm now having to pay, work gets stressful sometimes. But I"ve found that as long as I stay clean, keep doing the "right thing" and putting one foot in front of the other, thngs have worked out....just like when you got the phone call about the job.
I went to AA meetings when I first decided to try recovery. I didn't go to NA for some of the same reasons you mentioned. There are some good NA meetings, but I just found much more support and met some wonderful people in AA. There were a LOT of us there who were addicted to drugs. Now, I spend a lot of time on SR, I have 3 clean friends and an aunt who are very supportive and I can call them anytime.
Like you, I now care, very much, about getting arrested or any of the stuff that goes with the dope. If I get arrested, I will go to prison because I'm on probation. That, in itself, kept me from using at the beginning. After a bit of time, I just wanted to stay in recovery because I wanted to.
Keep up what you're doing. PM me any time you want to. Good luck on the job...I've met some really neat people waiting tables...even get job offers at times. Money isn't always great where I work, either, but I've yet to have a week where I wasn't able to pay what I needed to and have a little left over...I just focus on the necessities when it's a slow week.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I've been where you're at, too. Every time I got stressed, I came to SR and "talked" about it with someone. I also have a few e-mail addresses from people here, and it's fun to just chat sometimes with someone.
You and Trish are doing so good, and I'm really proud of you both! When I actually started making money, it felt great! I wait tables, too, and one day it just hit me...I work too darn hard to blow my money on crack!
I still get stressed about things...I have legal issues, major bills that I'm now having to pay, work gets stressful sometimes. But I"ve found that as long as I stay clean, keep doing the "right thing" and putting one foot in front of the other, thngs have worked out....just like when you got the phone call about the job.
I went to AA meetings when I first decided to try recovery. I didn't go to NA for some of the same reasons you mentioned. There are some good NA meetings, but I just found much more support and met some wonderful people in AA. There were a LOT of us there who were addicted to drugs. Now, I spend a lot of time on SR, I have 3 clean friends and an aunt who are very supportive and I can call them anytime.
Like you, I now care, very much, about getting arrested or any of the stuff that goes with the dope. If I get arrested, I will go to prison because I'm on probation. That, in itself, kept me from using at the beginning. After a bit of time, I just wanted to stay in recovery because I wanted to.
Keep up what you're doing. PM me any time you want to. Good luck on the job...I've met some really neat people waiting tables...even get job offers at times. Money isn't always great where I work, either, but I've yet to have a week where I wasn't able to pay what I needed to and have a little left over...I just focus on the necessities when it's a slow week.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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