roller coaster
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 55
roller coaster
I am so sick of going through these motions. I spend day after day sober, motivated, determined and more proud of myself with each passing day. Then I slip up, then the struggle to stay sober seems to get harder. I have a harder time convincing myself that I DO want to stay sober... that other half of me is saying, "EFF ALL THIS SOBRIETY BULL SH*T! YOU CAN DRINK! HAVE A DRINK!" And I give in. Then I'm back to feeling guilt, shame, worthlessness. And I am more determined to get through this. I'm so incredibly sick of this pattern. I feel so alone sometimes. Fighting this battle with myself. It's exhausting. Like a frickin roller coaster.
Silly Rabbit
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 956
you don't have to ride this rollercoaster alone. one of the only reasons i've stayed sober the past year or so has been because of my amazing recovery family. i got sober with AA... i don't know if you've ever tried meetings, but i know that for me having the support of a bunch of other drunks who have all felt EXACTLY the same way before helped me tremendously. i am not unique. thank god for that, right? without having those folks in my life, i wouldn't know that it was possible to make it through the tough stuff in life without picking up.
i hope that helped a little. it does get better, slowly... just one day at a time, right? good luck.
i hope that helped a little. it does get better, slowly... just one day at a time, right? good luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Portsmouth UK
Posts: 33
Hi - what you describe is very common - just have a read of some of the other posts on here! It's all part of the problem. But there are plenty of people who have stepped off the rollercoaster. It IS possible, with lots of work on the mind stuff as well as the "not drinking" I have just got off the rollercoaster myself and do not intend to get back on. Why noy write a post to yourself about how you feel now - you can re-read it later down the line if you feel tempted! I guess you also have to admit deep down that your an alcoholic - I know I found this the hardest part. Best wishes for today.........worry about tomorrow later.
GreatEscape
GreatEscape
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,755
fighting with ourselves IS exhausting. I've been doing it for years with depression, then I (stupidly) added alcohol to the mix a year ago and really intensified the inward battle. No wonder I've been so tired all the time, I've been in a constant inner conflict.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Kind of insane behavior wouldn't you say? Doing something that you really don't want to do over and over again, forgetting the resolve you made just a couple of days before...
Imagine saying "I am not going to stick my finger into the outlet today, because I get shocked really bad everytime I do" just to find yourself poking a finger in that outlet a few minutes, hours, days later.
Doesn't make much sense.
There has been some really good advice on how to break this cycle. If you are REALLY serious about getting sober, it isn't gonna be a cake ride - but I can promise you can come to a place where where life makes sense, and you can approach it with a clear mind.
For what it's worth, I think roller coasters are fun, but active alcoholism is absolute torture.
Take care, be kind to yourself.
~a
Imagine saying "I am not going to stick my finger into the outlet today, because I get shocked really bad everytime I do" just to find yourself poking a finger in that outlet a few minutes, hours, days later.
Doesn't make much sense.
There has been some really good advice on how to break this cycle. If you are REALLY serious about getting sober, it isn't gonna be a cake ride - but I can promise you can come to a place where where life makes sense, and you can approach it with a clear mind.
For what it's worth, I think roller coasters are fun, but active alcoholism is absolute torture.
Take care, be kind to yourself.
~a
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
"hello Old Friend" .i've Came To Visit You Again. I Like To See You Suffer Mentally,physical,spiritual,and Socially. ; I Want To Make You Feel Unease,so You Could Never Rest! I Want To Agitate You, Irritate You,so Everything,and Everybody Will Make You Fell Conferrable. I Want To Make You Confuse And Depress You, So You Wont Be Able To Think Clearly Or Positively, ; I Want To Make You Hate Everything And Everyone--especially You! I Want To Make You Feel Guilty And Regretful For All The Things You've Done In The Pass Which You Wont Forget. And I Want To Make You Get Mad And Hateful Tours The World For The Way It Is And For The Way You Are. I Want You To Feel Pity For Your Self, And That You Will Blame Everything And Everyone, Except Your Alcoholism, For The Way Things Are.i Want You To Be Deceitful And That Nooned Could Trust You,and I Want You To Be Manipulative And To Full As Many People As Possible. I Want To Make You Fearful And Scare You For No Reason. I Want To Wake You Up At All Times Of The Night And Hear You Scream For Me. ; You Know You Can't Sleep With Out Me! I'm Even In Your Nightmares. I Want To Be The First Thing You Wake Up Looking For In The Morning, And The Lats Thing You Will Touch Before Going Out Of Councious, I Will Ratter Kill You, But I'm Satisfied,taking You To The Hospital, Or Institutions,or Jail. But You Know I Will Be Waiting When You Come Out. It Fascinates Me Seen You Go Crazy Slowly. I Like To See The Physical Harm That I'm Causing You. I Can't Resist Doing Mimics And Laugh When You Shake,when You Freeze,and Sweat At The Same Time, And When You Wake Up With Your Blankets All Soaked And Wet . Is Funny Seen You Making Love To The Toilet Bowl --heart Beating Fast,your Eyes Going Back Wards I'm Degreasing You And Not Been Able Too Stay In Side Of You . Is Surprising How Much Damage I Could Cause Your Internal Organs Wile At The Same Time I'm Damaging Your Brain.destroying It Little By Little. I Sincerely Appreciate How Much You Sacrifice For Me. The Good Number Of Jobs You Have Lost And Sacrifice For Me.all Your Good Friends Whom You Appreciated---- You Have Abandoned Them For Me. And What Is More Those Whom You May Enemies Because Of Your Nu-excusable Action,and Behavior-----I'm Very Grateful My Old Friend. This Is Your Disease,talking!!!!!!!!!!!! 
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Timefor change,
Your post says it all - your name and then your first sentence: you're tired of going through the motions. I have to ask, why is it just going through the motions? It does sound to me like you really haven't admitted that you're an alcoholic and surrendered.
It sounds like you are playing with the idea again and again - and that would be torture. Because you would be setting yourself up for failure every single time.
Different people get sober in different ways but what I did was:
1) I fell down on my knees and begged for God's help.
2) I showed my spouse where I kept ALL of my bottles and watched him destroy them (painful - like losing friends)
3) I agreed with my spouse not to carry cash for the first 60 days (too tempting - no one would know if I drank but me)
4) Went online and found the soonest AA meeting I could make it to. Went.
5) Called my insurance about outpatient treatment - found a program - enrolled and went.
6) Got a sponsor at AA
7) Rigorously followed the directions of my outpatient program, my sponsor and AA.
Again, everyone does it differently. But I'd be willing to bet that in order for any alcoholic to get sober and stop the madness of the roller coaster, they must surrender to the fact that they are an alcoholic and they must begin a serious program of self improvement that addresses the addiction.
You talk about motivation and determination. But all the motivation and determination in the world couldn't have kept me sober. If it could, I wouldn't think of myself as an alcoholic. It would mean that I was able to stop if I was sufficiently motivated. Which I proved to myself again and again in a rather ridiculous fashion.
Don't drink today. And think about what kind of approach you want to take and are able to take. And then surrender to that. That's my best, most sincere adice based solely on my own experience. You can do it. Get off the roller coaster. Just get off.
Your post says it all - your name and then your first sentence: you're tired of going through the motions. I have to ask, why is it just going through the motions? It does sound to me like you really haven't admitted that you're an alcoholic and surrendered.
It sounds like you are playing with the idea again and again - and that would be torture. Because you would be setting yourself up for failure every single time.
Different people get sober in different ways but what I did was:
1) I fell down on my knees and begged for God's help.
2) I showed my spouse where I kept ALL of my bottles and watched him destroy them (painful - like losing friends)
3) I agreed with my spouse not to carry cash for the first 60 days (too tempting - no one would know if I drank but me)
4) Went online and found the soonest AA meeting I could make it to. Went.
5) Called my insurance about outpatient treatment - found a program - enrolled and went.
6) Got a sponsor at AA
7) Rigorously followed the directions of my outpatient program, my sponsor and AA.
Again, everyone does it differently. But I'd be willing to bet that in order for any alcoholic to get sober and stop the madness of the roller coaster, they must surrender to the fact that they are an alcoholic and they must begin a serious program of self improvement that addresses the addiction.
You talk about motivation and determination. But all the motivation and determination in the world couldn't have kept me sober. If it could, I wouldn't think of myself as an alcoholic. It would mean that I was able to stop if I was sufficiently motivated. Which I proved to myself again and again in a rather ridiculous fashion.
Don't drink today. And think about what kind of approach you want to take and are able to take. And then surrender to that. That's my best, most sincere adice based solely on my own experience. You can do it. Get off the roller coaster. Just get off.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 59
great story to tell you
I was in treatment...IOP ( intensive Out patient ) 4 days a week...three hours a night...and one night a week...they shuttled all of us over to an outside NA meeting for the last half of our seesion that eeve...I found a sposor there...this guy was JUST waht I needed ...ex marine...foot up my but from DAY 1...
ok here's the story that relates to your roller coaster... I had planned my relapse before getting in to recovery...bought dope...stashed it ...and planned on using the following summer...after the 4 month program finished... ( crazy huh ?) well the miracle happenned ( as some say) along the way...and I told my sponsor...I told on myself...and this was AFTER he had come to my house and helped me clean it from all the paraphernalia...booze...pipes...etc etc ...he knew where stuff was that I did'nt even know...in my OWN HOUSE...like old coats hanging in the basement...where he found rolling papers...he threw out all my Miller light queerbate mirrors with the buxom beer maidens on them smiling holding 4 mugs in each hand... ha haaaa it makes me laugh just thinking about it....
He was so pissed...he was like.. " Oh so you just had me come over and be a maid for you huh..." then he said " dont move ...Im on my way "
he came over ...got the dope ...and flushed it down...but just a little came floating back up in the water in the toilet...he said " look at that...it dos'nt just all go away with one try does it "..." you have to keep flushing ..."
I just had to tel someone that story...so long ago...but like yesterday in my head today from reading your post on this subject...
thanx for the reminder...and just KEEP FLUSHING....
you can do this. I did...13 years ago this April 11th.
if you dont use today...your a winner.
miavin2
ok here's the story that relates to your roller coaster... I had planned my relapse before getting in to recovery...bought dope...stashed it ...and planned on using the following summer...after the 4 month program finished... ( crazy huh ?) well the miracle happenned ( as some say) along the way...and I told my sponsor...I told on myself...and this was AFTER he had come to my house and helped me clean it from all the paraphernalia...booze...pipes...etc etc ...he knew where stuff was that I did'nt even know...in my OWN HOUSE...like old coats hanging in the basement...where he found rolling papers...he threw out all my Miller light queerbate mirrors with the buxom beer maidens on them smiling holding 4 mugs in each hand... ha haaaa it makes me laugh just thinking about it....
He was so pissed...he was like.. " Oh so you just had me come over and be a maid for you huh..." then he said " dont move ...Im on my way "
he came over ...got the dope ...and flushed it down...but just a little came floating back up in the water in the toilet...he said " look at that...it dos'nt just all go away with one try does it "..." you have to keep flushing ..."
I just had to tel someone that story...so long ago...but like yesterday in my head today from reading your post on this subject...
thanx for the reminder...and just KEEP FLUSHING....
you can do this. I did...13 years ago this April 11th.
if you dont use today...your a winner.
miavin2
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Pottstown PA
Posts: 9
Alitlle experience
I would like to share a little of my experience of what it was like to be in your shoe's. I would get my ass handed to me When i got loaded and usually end up in an institution. A couple of day or weeks afterwards just being sober would have a certain shine to it. Unfortunately that shine would wear off. My head would come back "ON", running at 500 mph. Id have an overwhelming sense of loneliness, fear, and impending doom. Eventually that thing inside of me would soon forget what it was like to suffer the consequences of getting loaded and getting loaded would start looking like a good idea. Then that obsession would jump on me all of a sudden and id be off to the races once more. It happened over and over again, I couldnt stop it. Then some guys that had offered me a solution to what was wrong with me offered the 12 steps as a solution to all my problems. That is the path that finally worked for me. I no longer feel anything like a rollercoaster is taking me for a ride. My life is pretty even do to the 12 steps and God.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
