scaredykat

Hi guys, I've been feeling really squirrelly the past few days. I've been wanting to drink again too. Luckily I haven't picked up and I'm smart enough to talk about this that's been bothering me.

I'll start at the beginning. On Tuesday at my meeting a drunk was there. He was really trashed. He had a bottle sticking out of his back pocket. He was spilling coffee all over and getting anxious for the meeting to start. Then 2 cops came in and wanted to talk to him. I don't know who called the cops. Some people think it was the church. Then they told him to get his coat and they left. The guy never came back. So maybe the cops arrested him for something, I don't know.

Anyway, it was really scary to me and my head won't stop thinking about it. I've always been scared of authority figures, even the principal when i was a kid in school. My emotions have been all over all week. First fear, depression, and now anger. Now my crazy little alcoholic brain is mad and saying its not fair. "Why can't i drink?" I can still picture that guys bottle in the back of his pants and wishing i could have one.

My home group meeting is in a couple of hours. I can't wait. They'll probably have me pass out the chips again. I'm getting sick of that too. I told you my mind is screwed up today. I know its good for me to pass out chips, last sat. I gave a 24 hour chip to a new guy.

Well, i just wanted to get this all down. Thanks for listening (reading) everyone.

Barb

reed

Good share. I've always not liked the cops. Maybe because they have yet to do anything I can think of that has directly benefited me. They probably have though I just don't know it. I always mind my own business when the cops come around.

Anyways, sounds like you are doing well despite the demon in your head craving a drink. You are not drinking, so all is well.

Handing out the chips at meetings is always a good thing. Staying involved, its one of those little things that will help keep you from drinking. Good, good.

Seems to me like you are doing well, getting your feelings out here and working your program. Keep it up and things should stay well.

Stay casual.

Anna

Hi Barb,

The police scare me too.

My son-in-law works in an ER and he tells me stories about what the police do to some of the people they bring in to the ER, peoplle who they've arrested. He's had numerous run-ins with police when they've clearly mistreated someone. It's absolutely horrible.
I'm not surprised that a situation like that, bothered you.

It's funny how we know to watch out for triggers, but we don't always know what those triggers might be and when we might be surprised by something.

Try to relax and know that you're doing the right things.

1963comet

Sorry to hear about you wanting to drink. I hope those thoughts will go away for you.

As far as cops, I think there are good and bad ones. I was lucky to meet a few nice police officers. Now where would this world be without the law? Scares me to even think about it. So, maybe you can look at it that way and it might help. I have been to jail a few times but it was my fault I was there.

Hevyn

I've been fantasizing about having "just a couple" myself the last few days. It only lasts a few minutes and I push it out of my head. I've been doing really well, too, damn it. I think for me it's living in a resort town with spring coming and thinking of all the fun places we used to go. I know where the "couple" will lead, so why would I even play with the idea? Thanks, Barb, for telling us about this rough spot.

Dee74

weird isn't it Barb ?

we see a drunk guy, stumbling around, spilling coffee, being chased away by the cops...and all we can think about is that bottle sticking out of his pocket...

LOL. Insanity

sounds like you've had a rough week emotion wise, Scaredy.

When I have one of them, I try to stay focused.
As Anna said, you're doing the right things - keep doing them. Make it as simple as 'I won't drink today', if you need to.

Shut the voice out.

D

mle-sober

I think Dee's right - it's so funny how our alcoholic brains work. I find myself romanticizing alcohol consumption again and again. When I know for a fact that what it does to me is it makes me insane. It makes me do things I never would've done before in my wildest dreams. And the only reaction I should legitimately be having to it is horror.

But I think everyone above is saying basically, even though you are suffering, it is clear you are on the right path and doing the right things. Which also is so strange. Because if I'm doing the right things, why am I suffering so much?

I have found that the suffering ebbs and flows. Sometimes I feel terrible and as ifthe only solution is a drink. I make up all these seductive relapse scenarios. But if I pray for help not picking up and I keep walking through my life breathing, slowly, those images fade. And I will have brighter moments. And then I can breath and say thank you.

Just stay sober now. Things will get better.

tennis71

Getting involved at meetings is alwas a good idea. It gives your mind something else to focus on and will hopefully prevent the "ism" in the alcoholism from kicking in. (ie incredibly short memory about why you quit in the first place.)

Good luck and thank you for your post.

scaredykat

Thank you everyone for your responses. I'm feeling much better now tonight. My meeting helped a lot.

And I got to pass out chips again like i said earlier and 2 people tonight got chips. So that was inspiring to me. 1 person got a 24 hour and another got there 1 month chip. At my home group whenever anyone gets there 24 hour chip we automatically have 1st step as the topic. So that was a good topic for me tonight the way I've been feeling and i told them.

Also tonight something exciting happened at my meeting. My meeting is celebrating there 25th Anniversary in May so we're going to be making plans. I get to make the fliers. So I'm very excited. So I'm definitely glad I made it to my meeting and didn't pick up. I don't want to miss out on all this.

Barb

1963comet

So glad that things are going better for you. Doing the fliers does sound exciting. Do you have any ideas of what you are going to do yet???

gravity

Wow! From fear, depression, anger, craving a drink all the way to handing out chips at an AA meeting, working on flyers. Truly amazing stuff! Pat yourself on the back! D

Aysha

Police make me freak out. Always have.
While your thinking about that bottle that guy had. Also think about what happened to him.
I wish I could add more.
Hang in there.

scaredykat

My group has a lot a details to work out. But we're talking about having a speaker or two that night, and lots of food. My group is normally a open discussion meeting, but most groups around here tend to have speakers when its their groups Anniversary.

Barb

scaredykat

Yup, my friends tonight reminded me of that. Like Dee was saying it's crazy what our alcoholic minds think of. The bottle and not the consequences.

tanyapmc

I had a few days last week where my mind was messing with me. My disease tells me that it will be different this time. That I can control it. That is all a bunch of BS. I have to realize that those are not rational thoughts.

I try to play the tape all the way through. Remember where my addiction took me. It took me to ICU with a breathing tube down my throat.

I NEVER want to go there again.

I am glad you are talking about wanting to drink. Our disease does not want us to tell anyone. I am only as sick as my secrets. You are doing the right thing by talking about it.

I am proud of you Barb! Keep up the good work and way to go on your service work.

At the meeting I go to we give out the chips at the end of the meeting. Interesting to me as to how it is different from place to place. I think it's a great idea to give them out first so then you know what type of meeting to have.

Impurrfect

(((Barb)))

I'm late on this, but I'm really proud of you. The worst thing we can do when those stupid addict thoughts come up, is keep it inside. Most of the time, just talking about them eases them off.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

gypsytears

Hi scaredy. Sorry I missed this when you first posted... I'm glad you talked about it and worked through it though .

scaredykat

Thanks Amy. I'm feeling a lot better today.

Tanya- Most all the meetings I go to give out the chips at the beginning. Only 1 I go to gives them out at the end. Then there's another that is my sponsors home group and they don't give out chips at all. Weird huh.

scaredykat

Hi GT. It was a rough week but I'm getting better at telling people. I still didn't get a hold of my sponsor. I'm glad I'm reaching out to others instead of just relying on her like I use too.

User_Name

I hate seeing drunk people at meetings, but when I told my sponsor, he said he is able to get some gratitude that he isn't that sick anymore. He also said there is no safer place for a drunk person than an AA meeting. Now when drunk people show up I try to get gratitude that I am no longer in their shoes, and I say a prayer for them.