It Does Get Worse!!!
 

Hi, I want to start off by letting you guys know ( if you don't already) that it is not the same going out... IT DOES GET WORSE!!!
I am so very greatful to be back in recovery and thanks to my higher power...ALIVE!!!
I really missed posting on S.R. and reading and responding to how everyone has been doing. I went out for about 3 weeks, and now I have 5 days today-and I am very greatful for these 5 days.
I do understand how very lucky I am to be back, and I also need to remember what it is like out there and how bad it really is to be drinking and using. I guess I must have forgot and got a little too comfortable in my recovery. Or maybe it was my lack of recovery.
I do not want to sit here and try to figure out what went wrong or why it happened. But I do want to make sure I do everything I possibly can to make sure I am letting my higher power control and run my life, while I only do what is suggested of me to follow that control thru the 12 steps.
I really have missed you guys very much.
For the last 5 days I am going to 1 or 2 meetings a day and I am calling my sponsor every single day, along with other friends in the program. I am full force workin my steps, doing lots of writting--- mostly out of fear- fear of going out. I never ever want to drink or use again. It really makes me hate myself for doing it.
The book says "we do the same thing over and over expecting different results", well Kerry does the same thing knowing that the results are going to be the same or worse, but I still do it! WOW what a strong hold this disease can have, it is so sneaky and tricky.
Well, like I said earlier, I really have missed you guys and I am ever soooo greatful to be back.
Thank you for being here for me.

:Val003:

:ghug3

Kerry, welcome back !
congratultions on your five days............:)

hmm

I find it fascinating when, we all tell our drunkalogs in and out of the room we do often times tell it with laughter etc. Normal people would be shocked at the tales we tell and a room full of drunks can shake their heads for either doing the same crazy stunts or, at the very least understand the behavior.


I still today this day carry the pain of my last drunk with me every time some one goes back out and comes back again

I have to always remember, I have another relapse, I might not have another recovery.

The last drunk took every bit of fun out of my drinking and, there wasn't much fun left anyway.

glad you made it back Kerry .... wisdom is the harshest taskmaster there is.

But she grants the greatest gifts - *if* you survive the lesson.

I have heard that it gets worse once you have quit and you start again. I pray every day to not find out for myself. BUT, I am proud of you for doing the right thing and realizing you needed to get staright again, some people never realize it or simply cannot. Most of them die early avoidable deaths. Congrats on your 5 days! You can do it!!!

take the word drink again out. Replace it with today.

Hi Kerry,

Thank you for the post and good work on the 5 days. The critical foundation of my recovery is to always always always remember - I am an alcoholic. I will never ever be able to have a drink. I give up on that notion. I had to keep testing that proven knowledge, worse each time until I was at the point of mental breakdown. Now, I do have my low moments but that's all they are - moments. I feel free most of the time.

Right now, you are doing the very best that you can. Keep working hard!

Welcome back Kerry....:wave:

Hey Kerry - I've been missing you! I am so glad you are back with us! Congrats on the 5 days!! Welcome home! Love, Jomey

Yep it sure does! I have had enough ESH about going back out and relapsing than I decided to give it all that I had...

I can still see my last one and I looked around where I was and knew I didn't want to live that life anymore. Since than May 25, 2006 I haven't had to pick up and I am grateful for that. I do however know that I have to protect my clean time and keep my guard up at all times. I know how cunning this disease is, it doesn't just scream at me it whispers months before.

Glad that you are still ALIVE ALSO

And glad that we all have the gift of today.

Important thing is your here. Up until now I have justified every relapse by saying that alcohol doesn't have control over me. Yet in these last seven days of being away from it, and refusing to drink I can now see that my whole life has been controlled by it. For me if I continue to drink...I will die. I am not willing to accept that reality today so I won't drink TODAY. I have to use that same thought process by the hour. I have seven days today and instead of letting alcohol control me I am going to take action and do something toward the solution.

This is no longer a game for me it is my life I want back.

Troop

Welcome back Kerry. :)

Welcome back Kerry, glad you're here.

welcome back - and well done!!!!

cathy31
x

Welcome back Kerry. I'm glad you made it back. Thanks for the reminder that it doesn't get better, it gets worse.

Barb

how wonderful you were able to make it back kerry:ghug3

Hi Kerry - I agree - my last time binging almost did me in. I have 2-1/2 mos. now. I'm convinced I won't make it out alive again, though I still play with thoughts of having a couple. Why?

we're alcoholics Joanie :)

but it's great to learn (or it was for me) we can have the thoughts - thoughts by themselves are harmless without action...gradually we find we have the skills and knowledge, experience and wisdom so as we don't have to act on them anymore...

we get better :)

sorry for the small hijack btw - welcome back Kerry :)
D