Tired of my own fake smile.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 521
Tired of my own fake smile.
I guess Im not a very patient person. 
I celebrated 30 days yesterday, and ...well...it was a real letdown when I got up this morning. I dont know why.....I just felt like I was starting back over at day 1.
I feel depressed and mopey. I feel useless and Ive been spinning my wheels all day trying to accomplish something....anything....but I cant even seem to finish something as simple as a load of laundry.
I used a phone n umber I was given at a meeting and reached out....and I appreciate the fact that people are trying to help me.
WHY is it so darn hard for me to let people in?!!
~~sigh~~:wtf2
I celebrated 30 days yesterday, and ...well...it was a real letdown when I got up this morning. I dont know why.....I just felt like I was starting back over at day 1.I feel depressed and mopey. I feel useless and Ive been spinning my wheels all day trying to accomplish something....anything....but I cant even seem to finish something as simple as a load of laundry.
I used a phone n umber I was given at a meeting and reached out....and I appreciate the fact that people are trying to help me.
WHY is it so darn hard for me to let people in?!!
~~sigh~~:wtf2
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
I won't attempt to speak for you, but I can relate to some of what you posted.
Having a little distance from 30 days - I can say I wanted to be congratulated for keeping sober - I wanted it to be important to anyone other than me. Self-centeredness was my problem. Hard to let people in when I was in that state? Absolutely.
Once I got out of self - it hasn't been much of a problem.
You going through the book with someone from your meetings? If not, it comes highly suggested.
~a
Having a little distance from 30 days - I can say I wanted to be congratulated for keeping sober - I wanted it to be important to anyone other than me. Self-centeredness was my problem. Hard to let people in when I was in that state? Absolutely.
Once I got out of self - it hasn't been much of a problem.
You going through the book with someone from your meetings? If not, it comes highly suggested.
~a
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 521
Ive just been reading the book (s) by myself.
I havent met anyone yet that Ive really clicked with.....I have a few phone numbers, and Ive used them a couple of times...but even that was so hard.
I guess reaching out and asking for help doesnt come near as easy as self-medicating.
My partner is in recovery too....although THATS a double edged sword. Sometimes its wonderful to have someone always available to talk recovery-talk with me....other times I think we get to wrapped up in the other persons recovery and take the focus off our own.
Im going to chew on that "self-centeredness" stuff for a bit and ask myself if it applies to me. My first instinct is to say, "Uh...I think NOT! If anything, I need to be more centered on me! Im tired of having to look good and act good for my kids, for my partner, for my parents. Im tired of smiling and chirping IM FINE when someone asks how Im doing."
I feel so far away from fine today........
I havent met anyone yet that Ive really clicked with.....I have a few phone numbers, and Ive used them a couple of times...but even that was so hard.
I guess reaching out and asking for help doesnt come near as easy as self-medicating.
My partner is in recovery too....although THATS a double edged sword. Sometimes its wonderful to have someone always available to talk recovery-talk with me....other times I think we get to wrapped up in the other persons recovery and take the focus off our own.
Im going to chew on that "self-centeredness" stuff for a bit and ask myself if it applies to me. My first instinct is to say, "Uh...I think NOT! If anything, I need to be more centered on me! Im tired of having to look good and act good for my kids, for my partner, for my parents. Im tired of smiling and chirping IM FINE when someone asks how Im doing."
I feel so far away from fine today........
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
Hi Imjulie,
I had to stop living outside in and start living inside out. For me it wasn't a metter of letting people in, it was a matter of letting myself out. Out of that horrible box of guilt and shame I created through my disease. When I reached out to other AA'ers I found I could be a helpful and useful human being. In that I found a way to reach out in the "outside world" (practice these principles in all of my affairs). It's a good thing my program stresses progress over perfection though because some days are better then others. Just keep on keeping on and never forget why you want to stay sober!!!
God's Peace
I had to stop living outside in and start living inside out. For me it wasn't a metter of letting people in, it was a matter of letting myself out. Out of that horrible box of guilt and shame I created through my disease. When I reached out to other AA'ers I found I could be a helpful and useful human being. In that I found a way to reach out in the "outside world" (practice these principles in all of my affairs). It's a good thing my program stresses progress over perfection though because some days are better then others. Just keep on keeping on and never forget why you want to stay sober!!!
God's Peace
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
First of all, I'd like to say:
Congratulations on 30 Days!
:day4
The very first thing I thought about when I read your post was how I felt on my 90 days. I looked forward to 30, couldn't wait for 60 and then, it's like I expected my 90 days to be some kind of a huge, awesome, rewarding, much celebrated holiday for all!
Then I had to remember, it was MY 90 Days!
Not the rest of the worlds.
Sure, I got congratulation hugs from friends at the Meeting that night when I got my token. But it seemed like something was missing to me. I don't know what I expected, a parade?
An oldtimer came up to me after the meeting, this old crotchety guy who rarely even looked my way. It's like he could read my mind through the fake, forced smile. I will never forget his words, "Ah, go home and make out your gratitude list, you'll feel better."
And with that, he walked away.
I took his advice and he was so right.
I needed to get back to why I got Clean and Sober in the first place.
It wasn't to get up in front of a room full of people and get a little coin that I can't buy anything with.
It wasn't to stand up and claim my rights to a little $.25 keychain.
That night, Oct. 25, 2005, some of the Eleven Promises from Alcoholics Anonymous began to come true for me.
" . . . That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear, we will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change . . . "
To Thine Own Self Be True,
Judy
:ghug2
Congratulations on 30 Days!
:day4
The very first thing I thought about when I read your post was how I felt on my 90 days. I looked forward to 30, couldn't wait for 60 and then, it's like I expected my 90 days to be some kind of a huge, awesome, rewarding, much celebrated holiday for all!
Then I had to remember, it was MY 90 Days!
Not the rest of the worlds.
Sure, I got congratulation hugs from friends at the Meeting that night when I got my token. But it seemed like something was missing to me. I don't know what I expected, a parade?
An oldtimer came up to me after the meeting, this old crotchety guy who rarely even looked my way. It's like he could read my mind through the fake, forced smile. I will never forget his words, "Ah, go home and make out your gratitude list, you'll feel better."
And with that, he walked away.
I took his advice and he was so right.
I needed to get back to why I got Clean and Sober in the first place.
It wasn't to get up in front of a room full of people and get a little coin that I can't buy anything with.
It wasn't to stand up and claim my rights to a little $.25 keychain.
That night, Oct. 25, 2005, some of the Eleven Promises from Alcoholics Anonymous began to come true for me.
" . . . That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear, we will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change . . . "
To Thine Own Self Be True,
Judy
:ghug2
Seriously Fun!
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California coast
Posts: 415
You should be proud of yourself. It is a great day each day we wake up feeling straight, and not sick and hung-over.
Recovery is a life long journey. Minutes, hours, days, and weeks, and years are important...but not as important as staying in the here and now.
On to the next 30!
7
Recovery is a life long journey. Minutes, hours, days, and weeks, and years are important...but not as important as staying in the here and now.
On to the next 30!
7
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Sometimes when I'm feeling at loose ends but like I'm supposed to be feeling good, I take myself to a movie. It has to be the right movie - can't be depressing, of course. But I get a small piece of good chocolate to take in with me and then buy a small movie popcorn. I sit there - just me, no kids, no husband, no people expecting any smiles from me - and I just let myself indulge in a movie. A good comedy's always best.
For some reason, that almost always makes me feel better! It's like a reward that I give myself. And at the same time, it helps shift me out of my funk emotionally.
Hang in there. Also remember that tomorrow, you're going to wake up and it's going to be another day with new opportunities to feel better.
If you can't go to a movie or if that doesn't appeal to you, distract yourself with other things. Distraction is a really important tool. I'm using it right now! : )
Good luck!
For some reason, that almost always makes me feel better! It's like a reward that I give myself. And at the same time, it helps shift me out of my funk emotionally.
Hang in there. Also remember that tomorrow, you're going to wake up and it's going to be another day with new opportunities to feel better.
If you can't go to a movie or if that doesn't appeal to you, distract yourself with other things. Distraction is a really important tool. I'm using it right now! : )
Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 521
Thanks so much for the support, encouragement and kind words everyone.
LOL....the idea of a parade for my 30 days of sobriety would horrify me! OMG...I havent even told most family and friends that Im a recovering alcoholic. Could you imagine a parade??
I think what I was looking for, what I expected was....well....ok, now this sounds really dumb...but I wanted to be all fixed! Yup...in 30 days....fixed. RecoverED. As I type this, Im realizing how silly those thoughts are.
I wanted those AA promises to materialize for me NOW. Right now. Darn it all....Im doing the stuff Im supposed to be doing, Im going to meetings, sometimes 2 a day! Im reading the books. Im phoning people even though I feel like a weak pathetic ass for having to. Now where are my promises??!!! ~~stomping my feet~~
LOL...ok...I feel better.
Man Im a sicko! LOL
Its a journey Jules....a journey. Slow down!
LOL....the idea of a parade for my 30 days of sobriety would horrify me! OMG...I havent even told most family and friends that Im a recovering alcoholic. Could you imagine a parade??
I think what I was looking for, what I expected was....well....ok, now this sounds really dumb...but I wanted to be all fixed! Yup...in 30 days....fixed. RecoverED. As I type this, Im realizing how silly those thoughts are.
I wanted those AA promises to materialize for me NOW. Right now. Darn it all....Im doing the stuff Im supposed to be doing, Im going to meetings, sometimes 2 a day! Im reading the books. Im phoning people even though I feel like a weak pathetic ass for having to. Now where are my promises??!!! ~~stomping my feet~~
LOL...ok...I feel better.
Man Im a sicko! LOL
Its a journey Jules....a journey. Slow down!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
You know Julie, first let me say CONGRATS on your 30 days, that is quite an accomplishment!!!!!!
Something I learned early was I didn't have to reassure others how I was doing and when they asked I didn't have to say I was fine. Many many ODAATs ago now I changed my answer from "Im fine" to
"I'm doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances."
Yes it gets a laugh. Yes it gets double takes. But, for this alkie It is the truth. At any given moment I am doing as well as can be expected for that moment. And some moments are better than others.
Now, you don't have to ask someone to be your 'forever sponsor' as I don't believe any sponsor is forever. Ask someone to be your 'temporary sponsor.' You will get some much needed help with understanding that book you are reading. In this case 2 heads are better than one.
You are heading in the right direction.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
Something I learned early was I didn't have to reassure others how I was doing and when they asked I didn't have to say I was fine. Many many ODAATs ago now I changed my answer from "Im fine" to
"I'm doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances."
Yes it gets a laugh. Yes it gets double takes. But, for this alkie It is the truth. At any given moment I am doing as well as can be expected for that moment. And some moments are better than others.
Now, you don't have to ask someone to be your 'forever sponsor' as I don't believe any sponsor is forever. Ask someone to be your 'temporary sponsor.' You will get some much needed help with understanding that book you are reading. In this case 2 heads are better than one.
You are heading in the right direction.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Impatience is part of an addict's way of thinking.
Your comment about wanting it all fixed in 30 days made me laugh, because I wanted it all fixed in a week. You're doing great and reaching out and looking at where you're going are big steps. It's hard to let other people in and it takes some time. I found it very hard to trust people, especially other women.
Your comment about wanting it all fixed in 30 days made me laugh, because I wanted it all fixed in a week. You're doing great and reaching out and looking at where you're going are big steps. It's hard to let other people in and it takes some time. I found it very hard to trust people, especially other women.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Tired of my own fake smile.
It is said... Don't give up before your miracle happens.
It will and you will feel a parade of warmth inside of you.
Congratulations on 30 days.
2
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Julie,
This is my opinion, take it or leave it. The book made a lot more sense to me when I went through it with someone who had experience with it (it transmits an experience). I had read the book many many times - I could qoute passages and page numbers.
When I went through it with a recovered alcoholic, for whom the promises were an absolute reality in his life (a living example of what that book says it is meant to do) - it was like reading it for the first time. The Doctor's Opinion made absolute sense (I usually skipped right over it)- I saw myself in Bills Story, I learned a little more about what alcoholism is (in the AA sense), we turned statements into questions(for me to answer for myself - Is that me? Am I like that? Can I RELATE?) - we did what it says to do, when the time comes - even if that meant praying on my knees with another man (something I would never do- but I did it, I wanted to live again).
You are doing the right things - you have received some great insight and advice here.
Call one of those numbers and ask someone to take you through the steps...it's so much better than trying to do it alone.
Regards,
Adam
ps- congrats on 30 days.
This is my opinion, take it or leave it. The book made a lot more sense to me when I went through it with someone who had experience with it (it transmits an experience). I had read the book many many times - I could qoute passages and page numbers.
When I went through it with a recovered alcoholic, for whom the promises were an absolute reality in his life (a living example of what that book says it is meant to do) - it was like reading it for the first time. The Doctor's Opinion made absolute sense (I usually skipped right over it)- I saw myself in Bills Story, I learned a little more about what alcoholism is (in the AA sense), we turned statements into questions(for me to answer for myself - Is that me? Am I like that? Can I RELATE?) - we did what it says to do, when the time comes - even if that meant praying on my knees with another man (something I would never do- but I did it, I wanted to live again).
You are doing the right things - you have received some great insight and advice here.
Call one of those numbers and ask someone to take you through the steps...it's so much better than trying to do it alone.
Regards,
Adam
ps- congrats on 30 days.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I had to laugh as I read over the posts that were added after my last one.
I remember my very first attempt at Sobriety.
I was five months out of high school.
I put myself in a 28 day Program.
We had a graduation ceremony after completing the Program which is funny when you think about it. When someone graduates from something, doesn't it mean that the subject is completed?
That it is done and over with?
We need to always remember that Recovery is not an event.
It's a process.
We are never recoverED.
Peace to all!
Judy
:ghug2
I remember my very first attempt at Sobriety.
I was five months out of high school.
I put myself in a 28 day Program.
We had a graduation ceremony after completing the Program which is funny when you think about it. When someone graduates from something, doesn't it mean that the subject is completed?
That it is done and over with?
We need to always remember that Recovery is not an event.
It's a process.
We are never recoverED.
Peace to all!
Judy
:ghug2
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
