Change4life

Life is slowly getting better. Still have legal, financial etc problems up the arse, but feeling better mentally. Might even go out on a limb and say I feel happy sometimes. problems much easier to deal with w/o all the ups and downs of using. Suffering from frequent panic attacks cause of all the crap I let build up, but I suck it up and deal with it. As the pile of s*** gets smaller and less stinky I learn worrying or getting f'd up doesnt help.

My thoughts are clearer. Clarity has brought back selectively forgotten memories and regrets which leads me to OMG what have I done to my lfe with a large dose of self loathing, but im slowly learning to accept th pasyt and move on-not easy.

Feels good to feel hungary in the AM instaed of puking for hours.

Cleaned myself up. Dressing better, got a hair cut. Try to appear positive even when Im not feeling that way. People have been calling me mam which I use to associate with old age now I associate it with respect. People have been treating me with respect instead of looking at me with pity, fear and or disgust.

I spend alot of time resting and alone. Ive been in alot of pain lately, so much so that I ended up in the ER last week. Everything seems to hurt and I havent had any energy, thats why you havent heard from me.

I do have some fear. Im scaird that the only reason Ive been staying clean is simply because I havent felt well enough to go out. Im figuring even if that is the case, when and if I ever feel better I will have enough clean time to stay on course.

In the meantime I keep working on my recovery workbook, journaling which seems to help alot and just trying to fight off the triggers. Triggers, triggers, triggers everywhere what a problem, but thats another thread.

I HOPE EVERYONE IS DOING WELL.

Aysha

Anna

Hi,

It's good to hear from you. It sounds like you're doing great.

I think it's normal to feel afraid sometimes. I try to be aware that there is something guiding me and that I am where I should be, but I know it can be hard. And, if you've been staying clean because you don't feel well enough to go out, maybe that's okay. Maybe that's a gift to you and it will help you get far enough along in your recovery so that when you do feel better, you will not want to go back out.

Surlyredhead

That is a great thread, recovery is a wonderful thing!!!!

Cathy

Impurrfect

Way to go!!!

I am still dealing with legal/financial consequences, too, and have over a year clean. Each time I deal with this stuff and don't use, the thought of using gets farther and farther away, and when I DO think of it, I instantly remember that using is what got me into this situation and it will only make things worse.

Some of my consequences I will have to live with the rest of my life...like my criminal record. However, the financial ones I am facing and dealing with. I figure eventually, I will be able to resolve them and I won't be facing any more bad consequences because I'm not living that life again.

It's great to hear you sound so positive. We all have bad days, but with recovery we learn that the difference between a bad day and a good day is....about 2 days

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Change4life

I dont spend my days worrying about it anymore, but the legal crap really scares me. I have to go for sentencing for a possesion charge so that lurks in the back of my head.
Im also scared I wont be able to get a job when Im ready. I ve been needing to work, but I needed to get sober more so even with the fact that I hate where I live Ive stopped job hunting for now. I just stay at my friends house and out of here as much as possible.

It took me sometime to realize my priorities were in the wrong order. Health and sobriety are essential so that s what Ive been focusing on. Discipline and routine are also essential for me. It took some time, but ive worked on a schedule I can deal with which i try eo follow as much as possible. Once I can handle that Ill slowly start adding stuf. Right now Im still working on just the routine stuff like when to sleep, eat, exercise, practice, work etc. my eating habits were absolutely horrible and believe it or not it takes alot of effort for me to make sure I eat enough, and eat enough of the right foods. digestion has been a bitch though.

I dont know I kinda feel like an infant sometimes cause so many things seem new or have to be relearned. Keeps things interesting............

Aysha

Sounds like your doing wonderful...I dont think I have seen you post like this in a very very long time. If at all. I am so happy for you!!!
Keep doing it girl!!

lovingseren

Change4life

I dont think I have ever felt like this.

I feel like Im on a tightrope ready to fall off, but I keep telling myself balance, healthy living is about balancing things. I have to keep reminding myself to take it slow. Really taking the time to weigh things out rather than just acting. So far so good.

I think its gonna be different this time. I dont know why, but I reaay do feel it.

C2H5OH_Free

I am beside myself with happiness.
:bounce:

Kasey

keep it up. Change will come. Your brain just needs time to heal.

VinnieNL

all strength to you keep it up.

Change4life

Thanks everyone. I am so glad I came back here. I was feeling really icky today, was daydreaming about using all day. So Icky told my boss to hold my check till monday. Cant get high with no cash. I came here saw all the support, AND called inspirational wow. Dont feel like using so much anymore.

Now I wish I had my check. I would have liked to go shopping, but I had to protect myself. Monday will be here soon enough.

I have food and shelter for now that and sobriety is all I need.

c8spencer

fear is simply lack of faith. i had no faith (except in my sick mind, and even that i wasn't aware of) faith without works is dead. Work for the faith in: whatever your conception is to be. work: self-sacrifice for the good of others! no such thing as triggers unless the obsession has been lifted. only One can lift it; if you work.

Change4life

Ive been doing as much as I can to give back. Sick and all Ive still been working with the lions club helping with fund raising. Playing agin at the hospital in May. Im trying to start an afterschool music program at the highschool in town and also in one of the lower income school district by me. Also signed up to to help with research on the Hackensack river. They Planted 9000 oysters in the river in the hopes that they will help to filter the river. i will hope fully deopending on how I feel be one of the volunteers to help pulling up the traps and see how well the oysters are surviving.

You are so right. Giving to others is so rewarding.

I am quite the dreamer and i have many ideas. I feel like I hae to stay sober so I can help people the way I dream about it.

nogard

We help many others by getting well

Anna

Beth,

The things that you are doing sound really good. I'm so happy to see you doing well and you're doing well because you're working at it. In an earlier post you talked about balance and I think balance is hugely important. It's so easy to let something slip, like not exercising, but within a few days, I really notice it.