When you sober up is it realistic to plan on your friends forgiving you... - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 03-26-2008, 07:21 AM   #1 (permalink)
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When you sober up is it realistic to plan on your friends forgiving you...


for what you did drunk, or should you be planning on finding new friends?

I am so depressed now because my actions when I was drinking cost me a good friend.
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Old 03-26-2008, 07:27 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Panda,

Without actually knowing what you did, it is hard to say. In my case I damaged relationships, but none beyond repair (I hope).
Living with the shame and guilt is tough. I have been experiencing much of that as well. I have been advised on here to say the serenity prayer, (and it helps). :ghug3
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Old 03-26-2008, 07:48 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Panda, welcome to SR. Interesting question. I always try to forgive people no matter what the situation, but that does not mean I forget it and things go back to the way they were. Of coarse it depends on how bad I was hurt. Are you sober, or planning on getting sober?
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Old 03-26-2008, 08:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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If they are truly a friend, that shouldn't be an issue. My problem was that my friends were my drinking/using buddies, when I stopped they went away, in retrospect probably not a bad thing, for me anyways.
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Old 03-26-2008, 08:08 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Panda once I got sober in order to stay sober I had to work on clearing up the wreckage of my past to deal with all of the shame and guilt I carried around with me.

I have made amends to every person I have been able to so far, I have found that actions (Staying sober mainly) speak far louder then words. So far I have yet to have one single person I made amends to for some of the trash I did in my past to be very open to forgiving me of my wrongs and have asked nothing more of me then to stay sober for amends.

There are people who may not forgive me, but I need to clean my side of the street, clear my conscious per say, if I have made a sincere effort to make amends and they chose not to accept apologies, I just need to realize that I have done all I can do, I have made the effort.

Why carry around baggage you can rid your self of? This is one of the greatest things about doing the steps, it sets us free of our past and let's us move forward with our lifes one day at a time.
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Old 03-26-2008, 10:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Panda, welcome to SR. Interesting question. I always try to forgive people no matter what the situation, but that does not mean I forget it and things go back to the way they were. Of coarse it depends on how bad I was hurt. Are you sober, or planning on getting sober?
I am kind of on the fence. Staying sober means basically getting new friends because all my friends drink. It also means changing my life. Most of what I do revolves around some club. I am also in a music act so I spend a lot of time in clubs. Its going to be really hard. My roommate drinks as well. I was thinking maybe of cuting out hard liq and just maybe sipping wine on the occassional. The bottomline is, something has got to change for my life to progress. I realize that. But I don't even know what I would do if I didn't go to clubs.
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Old 03-26-2008, 10:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Panda once I got sober in order to stay sober I had to work on clearing up the wreckage of my past to deal with all of the shame and guilt I carried around with me.

I have made amends to every person I have been able to so far, I have found that actions (Staying sober mainly) speak far louder then words. So far I have yet to have one single person I made amends to for some of the trash I did in my past to be very open to forgiving me of my wrongs and have asked nothing more of me then to stay sober for amends.

There are people who may not forgive me, but I need to clean my side of the street, clear my conscious per say, if I have made a sincere effort to make amends and they chose not to accept apologies, I just need to realize that I have done all I can do, I have made the effort.

Why carry around baggage you can rid your self of? This is one of the greatest things about doing the steps, it sets us free of our past and let's us move forward with our lifes one day at a time.
Good point. I just regret so much.
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Old 03-26-2008, 10:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
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NO!

But as you work on your new found life and figure out where amends need be made... those who have a forgiving heart will forgive with time. Some may never forgive and that would be their problem. If you do what is right and realize that some people need time (maybe years), you will do well. Worry about what you are doing and let them worry about what they are doing.
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Old 03-26-2008, 10:33 AM   #9 (permalink)
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All you can do is to try to make amends the best way you can. It's up to your friends if they decide to forgive you or not. I know it's frustrating, but I think it's part of the recovery process - learning patience and that you can't control a situation like this.

Either way, you will be fine and you will move forward.
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Old 04-23-2008, 08:31 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Panda,

Without actually knowing what you did, it is hard to say. In my case I damaged relationships, but none beyond repair (I hope).
Living with the shame and guilt is tough. I have been experiencing much of that as well. I have been advised on here to say the serenity prayer, (and it helps). :ghug3
I spoke to him in a club, and he tried to be really nasty and ignore me, and I didn't understand why being as though he had spoke to me a few days earlier, and I thought about all the times he did it before and I hit him. Afterwards he beat me up pretty bad, and then the following week he beat me up again, and I threatened to call the cops if he continued.

He is a cancer and gets really angry. But he was like my big brother, and I leaned on him a lot for support, so its a real hard situation for me.
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Old 04-23-2008, 09:17 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Panda how long have you been sober?

Actions do speak louder then words, making amends for things we did while drinking or not carries little to no weight at all if we were drunk the night before.

Most folks we harmed due to our drinking need time to re-esablish trust in us, and there is very little trust given to us when we only have a week or 2 sober.
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Old 04-23-2008, 10:56 AM   #12 (permalink)
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If you can sip wine on occasion and not over drink, or think constantly about the next drink and don't drink to excess or every day, maybe you can be a social drinker.

All 'social drinkers' start out as social drinkers and remain that way. Alcoholics start out as social drinkers and end up alcoholics.

I quit drinking 25 days ago and since I never drank outside my home I had/have no 'drinking buddies'. You may be wise to distance yourself from your drinking buddies, at least for a while.

All the best to you.:ghug2
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Old 04-23-2008, 04:12 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Panda......from the other side of the court here............

My husband is an alcoholic. He continues to drink, although not as much as he used to, and not to the point of passing out/blacking out.

He is making the greatest effort I've ever seen him make, and in his own way....he's making progress.

I have so much resentment and anger, built up over more than 10 years of worrying about if this would be the time he drank himself to death, and all of the other worries that go along with loving an alcoholic.

If my husband could say to me, just once, how terribly sorry he is about what he put me through and for so many years....and really, truly mean it....it would be so much easier for me to let go and forgive him for the past.


I eventually will forgive him for my own mental well-being, however, I know it would help me along to hear a "genuine, heart felt" apology from him. As it stands now, the only time he's apologized to me...he has had tremendous anger in his voice, and that just does not work for me.....

This is so sad...........

Hope you don't mind me coming on here and sharing..

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Old 04-23-2008, 05:36 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Focus on your sobriety and forgiving yourself first. You cannot change anything that you did in your past and if you can't forgive yourself no one else will. Also, you can work to improve yourself by not drinking today. String enough todays together and you will be surprised what awaits you in the future.

Hope that helps, take it one day at a time!
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