Should I tell my wife I quit drinking?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 37
Should I tell my wife I quit drinking?
I still havent told my wife I have stopped drinking.. I used to drink 3times a week but tried to hide it most of the time... She knew about it but wasnt able to do much about it , probably like most of us here I was great in covering a hangover and acting like nothing was the matter.
I really dont know if I should tell her and maybe get her hopes up. and then let her down again.
Last time I tried to quit I got 3 days and then started drinking again with absolutely no concern about her fellings whatsoever.
Please let me know yr ideas I am at a loss here I would really like her suppport but I dont want to hurt her when I fail. And failing is all I have ever done in relation to Alcohol.
She is also very afraid of what other people might think of us. Maybe it is better to face this battle alone........................ and just wait untill she suspects something is the matter (like me sleeping in the masterbedroom instead of in the livingroom) and tell her when I have something to show for ?
My wife drinks once every 2 months thats it, so telling her I am 5 days sober isnt very impressive.. She does smoke like a factory though...
I really dont know if I should tell her and maybe get her hopes up. and then let her down again.
Last time I tried to quit I got 3 days and then started drinking again with absolutely no concern about her fellings whatsoever.
Please let me know yr ideas I am at a loss here I would really like her suppport but I dont want to hurt her when I fail. And failing is all I have ever done in relation to Alcohol.
She is also very afraid of what other people might think of us. Maybe it is better to face this battle alone........................ and just wait untill she suspects something is the matter (like me sleeping in the masterbedroom instead of in the livingroom) and tell her when I have something to show for ?
My wife drinks once every 2 months thats it, so telling her I am 5 days sober isnt very impressive.. She does smoke like a factory though...
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
If you feel that it is not impressive and you say do not want to "fail" her again. Why not wait at least a month or even two and make this happen for you first! Then go to her and sit down and talk to her and ask her for her support-Maybe if you approach it with a couple of months behind you sober-it maybe more "impressive" to YOU!
Sending you good thoughts!
Sending you good thoughts!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Do you think it is possible she may see and change and ask you what is going on? The more you really change your attitudes and behaviors will be noticed I think. If you only stop drinking and change nothing else she may not even notice...
Oh yea you only think nobody notices when you are hungover but I am sure someone notices how you look and the hang over look is very noticeable...
Oh yea you only think nobody notices when you are hungover but I am sure someone notices how you look and the hang over look is very noticeable...
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Famiily is very perceptive, therefore she may sense that you have not been drinking. My advise would be to talk to her. Tell her that you were skeptical about telling her because you didn't want to fail her again. Opening up with her could be of tremendous support for you.
Do what you need to do for you Vinnie. :ghug3
Do what you need to do for you Vinnie. :ghug3
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Welcome!
I'm not going to advise you; everone's situation is different. There can be repurcussions to sharing.
On the other hand, I feel strongly that honesty results in the best possible environment for recovery. For a zillion reasons. M'lady is a huge source of support to me. So are my 3 grown kids and ex.
If your wife had a serious disease and didn't tell you, to "spare you," how would you feel?
It also sounds that perhaps you are "hedging your bets" a bit. Thinking that failure will be easier to process if only you know. Again I won't advise. I think we need to arrange our environment so that we have the best possible chance for success, however.
I am 6 weeks into my recovery. It is going well. But there have been times when I really needed to share and explain to M'lady what I was going through and how it affected my behavior. Your behavior WILL be affected. You will not be the same. If she can handle it, doesn't she deserve to share and understand? Just one man's opinion.
warren
I'm not going to advise you; everone's situation is different. There can be repurcussions to sharing.
On the other hand, I feel strongly that honesty results in the best possible environment for recovery. For a zillion reasons. M'lady is a huge source of support to me. So are my 3 grown kids and ex.
If your wife had a serious disease and didn't tell you, to "spare you," how would you feel?
It also sounds that perhaps you are "hedging your bets" a bit. Thinking that failure will be easier to process if only you know. Again I won't advise. I think we need to arrange our environment so that we have the best possible chance for success, however.
I am 6 weeks into my recovery. It is going well. But there have been times when I really needed to share and explain to M'lady what I was going through and how it affected my behavior. Your behavior WILL be affected. You will not be the same. If she can handle it, doesn't she deserve to share and understand? Just one man's opinion.
warren
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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There have been good points made for tell her and not to tell her. I went to detox so there was no secret what I was doing as far as my family went.
My experience has been that secrets are never good things unless of course it is a suprise birthday party! As some one else already said, keeping it a secret could very well be leaving the door to going back to drinking wide open.
Just keep in mind that the truth will set you free.
My experience has been that secrets are never good things unless of course it is a suprise birthday party! As some one else already said, keeping it a secret could very well be leaving the door to going back to drinking wide open.
Just keep in mind that the truth will set you free.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Posts: 111
I know that's one thing I haven't done in the past when I told myself I was going to quit (tell my husband, that is). I think you should tell her you've stopped drinking - it'll give you one less "out" if she knows about it. Btw, I'm convincing myself here too. I'm on day three and haven't talked to my husband about it yet. That's on today's agenda!
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Newark,DE
Posts: 404
Hi Vinnie,
To offer my 2 cents, I'm not one for making big announcements. I think someone else said it, I think your actions will be more than enough.
If you managed to hide your hangovers from your wife, you are probably the first one here to do it. They know, believe me they know.
But by the same token, as days go by and you come to bed, instead of going paws up on the couch, she will notice, and probably be quite happy about it. If she asks, I would tell her you decided to leave it alone for a while. Who knows, it may become a habbit for you.
Best of luck, welcome to our world, let us know what you decide & how it goes, we all learn from each other here.
S
To offer my 2 cents, I'm not one for making big announcements. I think someone else said it, I think your actions will be more than enough.
If you managed to hide your hangovers from your wife, you are probably the first one here to do it. They know, believe me they know.
But by the same token, as days go by and you come to bed, instead of going paws up on the couch, she will notice, and probably be quite happy about it. If she asks, I would tell her you decided to leave it alone for a while. Who knows, it may become a habbit for you.
Best of luck, welcome to our world, let us know what you decide & how it goes, we all learn from each other here.
S
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Redondo Beach, CA
Posts: 55
Vinnie,
I just posted on your other thread. I have tried to stop drinking semi-actively (no AA meetings) over the last 18 months. I bought all the books, and then hid them in my sock drawer. The more I write about this, the crazier I sound. My god, I'm 29, and my life is beginning to spin out of control. I need to tell her. She will be a great support. She drinks MAYBE 3 times a year. 4th of July, Christmas, and the occasional birthday party. I envy that. I wish I could do that. But that first drink leads to 15. I know. I'm going to talk to her. I can't have that "out" possibilty. I need to stay sober.
I just posted on your other thread. I have tried to stop drinking semi-actively (no AA meetings) over the last 18 months. I bought all the books, and then hid them in my sock drawer. The more I write about this, the crazier I sound. My god, I'm 29, and my life is beginning to spin out of control. I need to tell her. She will be a great support. She drinks MAYBE 3 times a year. 4th of July, Christmas, and the occasional birthday party. I envy that. I wish I could do that. But that first drink leads to 15. I know. I'm going to talk to her. I can't have that "out" possibilty. I need to stay sober.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California
Posts: 111
Maybe it depends on your situation. Vinnie and Oddman, sounds like neither of your SO's are drinkers. My husband does drink wine or beer with dinner most days - he doesn't do the 4 before-dinner drinks I do 
so my not drinking will affect him. Basically if I don't buy and open the wine then there is no wine. Not something which will pass unnoticed for long. He's not a daily problem drinker but does tend to overdo it at parties. I actually have a related question. Do I tell my kids? (9 and 12) Part of what kicked my butt into stopping was the younger one saying "you drink too much Mom."
so my not drinking will affect him. Basically if I don't buy and open the wine then there is no wine. Not something which will pass unnoticed for long. He's not a daily problem drinker but does tend to overdo it at parties. I actually have a related question. Do I tell my kids? (9 and 12) Part of what kicked my butt into stopping was the younger one saying "you drink too much Mom."
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
My wife rarely drinks as well. I did tell her that I was again trying to quit drinking - mainly just to let her know that I had not given up. She was sceptical but I expected that. She is quite supportive of my efforts in many ways - helps me sort out issues that are bothering me (non alcoholism-related), doesn't bring alcohol in the house, doesn't talk about drinking experiences, goes to various events with me/doesn't drink, etc. As my sober days increase, her confidence & trust in me grows. She is my partner in life & sometimes we need each other. D
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Durand, MI
Posts: 22
Everybody is different. My wife was in aa 8 months b4 me.
She tried to hard to get me to stop and I just resented the hell out of it.
I think that i would have stopped sooner if she would have just shut up. The real issue was alcohol, but she bitched about EVERYTHING I did.
Control issues are huge under my roof, but getting better.
Trudging the happy path to destiny here!:ghug
She tried to hard to get me to stop and I just resented the hell out of it.
I think that i would have stopped sooner if she would have just shut up. The real issue was alcohol, but she bitched about EVERYTHING I did.
Control issues are huge under my roof, but getting better.
Trudging the happy path to destiny here!:ghug
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Originally Posted by Oddman 
I'm getting a lot of people that say not to tell. Let my action speak louder. After all, I have to do this for ME. Is this what I'm hearing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 37
yesterday I told my sister I was sober for 5 days... I thought she wouldn't have a clue what I was talking about.. But she replied oh wow thats great have you told mom yet? I was speachless...... does everybody know?..... still havent told my wife yet. I will wait untill I have more sober days.....
Thanks for all the replies guys it really helps me stay sober and sane
re oddman
thanks man its always nice to hear from people in the same situation, stay sober man. I am 32 and my life is getting a little better everyday.
Thanks for all the replies guys it really helps me stay sober and sane
re oddman
thanks man its always nice to hear from people in the same situation, stay sober man. I am 32 and my life is getting a little better everyday.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
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Vinnie
I still think that sharing is the best of possible worlds. If you have a relationship where the outcome will be good.
Your interaction with your sister is all too common. Did we actually think we were FOOLING someone. Too often the answer is, sadly, yes. That's part of this sickness. Our hiding and secretive behavior fools only ourselves.
I'll bet you a sixpack (of root beer) that your wife has been worrying and wishing for perhaps years that you would have an "epiphany" like this. If you won the lottery would you keep the good news from her?
Please DO NOT take this as advice. Only you know the dynamics of your relationship. In my case I NEEDED to talk about it. Needed to hear from M'lady how my drinking had affected her. How I was fooling no one. I had to get the elephant out of the dam* room. Open stuff up. It had been an "issue" that we didn't talk about for too long.
Now I have her support. Now she has an explanation for my weird recovery behavior. About ten days into it, I told M'lady emphatically to "Shut up!" She was laughing uncontrollably to some internet video. Laughter. And I couldn't handle it! And I don't talk like that...
She was hurt. Took some damage control and some tears. But at least she knew that it came from someone not me at the time. In the end, it actually served to strengthen our bond. And she realized that this was no walk on the beach.
To me, hiding and deceit were unintentional but normal behaviors while drinking. Warren's "secret." "I only had 2!" (that you saw..."). With my lover and family (even my ex) I needed to empty that backpack once and for all. Being secretive in sobriety would have been too much like the past that was eating at me.
I am overjoyed at my decision to "clear the decks." So are my loved ones. They call more often. I get more hugs. If I say that I'm having a "bad day," there is acknowledgment with understanding. In the past they may have thought that was "code" for being hungover.
Do what you will, but I don't think my situation is an isolated one. It has served me to great benefit. Not simply the support, but it has removed any temptation to share a drink with my loved ones. I know, they know, we know. That can be a good place to be.
warren
I still think that sharing is the best of possible worlds. If you have a relationship where the outcome will be good.
Your interaction with your sister is all too common. Did we actually think we were FOOLING someone. Too often the answer is, sadly, yes. That's part of this sickness. Our hiding and secretive behavior fools only ourselves.
I'll bet you a sixpack (of root beer) that your wife has been worrying and wishing for perhaps years that you would have an "epiphany" like this. If you won the lottery would you keep the good news from her?
Please DO NOT take this as advice. Only you know the dynamics of your relationship. In my case I NEEDED to talk about it. Needed to hear from M'lady how my drinking had affected her. How I was fooling no one. I had to get the elephant out of the dam* room. Open stuff up. It had been an "issue" that we didn't talk about for too long.
Now I have her support. Now she has an explanation for my weird recovery behavior. About ten days into it, I told M'lady emphatically to "Shut up!" She was laughing uncontrollably to some internet video. Laughter. And I couldn't handle it! And I don't talk like that...
She was hurt. Took some damage control and some tears. But at least she knew that it came from someone not me at the time. In the end, it actually served to strengthen our bond. And she realized that this was no walk on the beach.
To me, hiding and deceit were unintentional but normal behaviors while drinking. Warren's "secret." "I only had 2!" (that you saw..."). With my lover and family (even my ex) I needed to empty that backpack once and for all. Being secretive in sobriety would have been too much like the past that was eating at me.
I am overjoyed at my decision to "clear the decks." So are my loved ones. They call more often. I get more hugs. If I say that I'm having a "bad day," there is acknowledgment with understanding. In the past they may have thought that was "code" for being hungover.
Do what you will, but I don't think my situation is an isolated one. It has served me to great benefit. Not simply the support, but it has removed any temptation to share a drink with my loved ones. I know, they know, we know. That can be a good place to be.
warren
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