Having A Pitty Party
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Medina, Ohio
Posts: 372
Having A Pitty Party
Hello,
Well I've been having my own pitty party for two days now and I just can't shake it.
All I want to do is spend time with my family and it's impossible. My kids are gone all the time avoiding our house and if I even look at my soon to be ex wife (who by the wisdom of her lawyer isn't moving out of the houses) I get depressed. By the wisdom of my lawyer I can't move out either since we are seeking a dissolution vice a divorce.
Anyways I had told everyone the day before yesterday that I was cooking dinner and wanted to eat as a family. Get home make dinner, kids are told by Mom they can go on a sleep over, wife comes home 45 mins late (interesting it was my 45thd day of sobriety) and I end up eating by myself.
I don't have a family anymore I have a bunch of people pursuing their own selfish interests.
So I decide to work out in the basement and my soon to be ex comes down and says "Are you going to an AA mtg tonight?" To which I reply yes, I have gone every night since I got sober. And she says "Oh then I guess I'll go somehwere since your leaving."
And I'm like why the f**ck do you care whether I'm going to be home or not, you're divorcing me, what does it matter?
It drives me crazy that she is divorcing me and wants to be my best friend about it at the same time.
I asked her "What are you gonna do when you divorce me and are still not happy?" and she replies "Well that will be my problem."
And I'm like well you're not coming back to me. And she's like "We'll still be friend because of the kids."
And I said, "You will never come back here, I want you to understand the finality of the decision you are making."
To which her reply was to walk out.
I have been trying hard to accept God's will and act as if nothing is wrong but I seem to be at my limit right now. Any advice would help.
I feel like my whole marriage I have always come last and now I am sober and it's exactly the same way... So what's the point?
I know my sobriety is for me, I know I cannot go back to the way I have been the last year, I know there is another drunk out there but may not be another recovery.
I just feel very negative that my spouse was NEVER around for five years, I took care of the kids (yes I was drinking at home) and then one day my wife up and says she doesn't love me anymore I'm out of here and I'm supposed to be like YEAH, THAT'S GREAT HONEY, can't wait, GLAD TO BE THERE FOR YA!!
Well that's it.
John
Well I've been having my own pitty party for two days now and I just can't shake it.
All I want to do is spend time with my family and it's impossible. My kids are gone all the time avoiding our house and if I even look at my soon to be ex wife (who by the wisdom of her lawyer isn't moving out of the houses) I get depressed. By the wisdom of my lawyer I can't move out either since we are seeking a dissolution vice a divorce.
Anyways I had told everyone the day before yesterday that I was cooking dinner and wanted to eat as a family. Get home make dinner, kids are told by Mom they can go on a sleep over, wife comes home 45 mins late (interesting it was my 45thd day of sobriety) and I end up eating by myself.
I don't have a family anymore I have a bunch of people pursuing their own selfish interests.
So I decide to work out in the basement and my soon to be ex comes down and says "Are you going to an AA mtg tonight?" To which I reply yes, I have gone every night since I got sober. And she says "Oh then I guess I'll go somehwere since your leaving."
And I'm like why the f**ck do you care whether I'm going to be home or not, you're divorcing me, what does it matter?
It drives me crazy that she is divorcing me and wants to be my best friend about it at the same time.
I asked her "What are you gonna do when you divorce me and are still not happy?" and she replies "Well that will be my problem."
And I'm like well you're not coming back to me. And she's like "We'll still be friend because of the kids."
And I said, "You will never come back here, I want you to understand the finality of the decision you are making."
To which her reply was to walk out.
I have been trying hard to accept God's will and act as if nothing is wrong but I seem to be at my limit right now. Any advice would help.
I feel like my whole marriage I have always come last and now I am sober and it's exactly the same way... So what's the point?
I know my sobriety is for me, I know I cannot go back to the way I have been the last year, I know there is another drunk out there but may not be another recovery.
I just feel very negative that my spouse was NEVER around for five years, I took care of the kids (yes I was drinking at home) and then one day my wife up and says she doesn't love me anymore I'm out of here and I'm supposed to be like YEAH, THAT'S GREAT HONEY, can't wait, GLAD TO BE THERE FOR YA!!
Well that's it.
John
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
I don't have a family anymore I have a bunch of people pursuing their own selfish interests.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Medina, Ohio
Posts: 372
their world never revolved around me, ever, drunk or sober. I asked for a dinner that's it. You may not believe it but my divorce is not about my drinking and I'm not quitting drinking because of the divorce.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Hi,
It sounds like you are feeling a lot of anger, especially towards your wife.
For whatever reason, she has made a choice to move on. I understand that you do not want that to happen, but it's one of those things that you can't control. And, your family decided that they didn't want to have a dinner with you. Again, that is something that you can't control as they all have their own reasons for making that choice. I remember, in very early sobriety, desparately wanting my family to understand why I had begun to drink, why I had become so lost. They didn't want to hear it. They wanted me to get better and that was it. They still don't want to hear about it. And, eventually, I came to realize that it was my journey, not theirs. We all love each other and connect with each other, but we are each on our own journey.
It sounds like you are feeling a lot of anger, especially towards your wife.
For whatever reason, she has made a choice to move on. I understand that you do not want that to happen, but it's one of those things that you can't control. And, your family decided that they didn't want to have a dinner with you. Again, that is something that you can't control as they all have their own reasons for making that choice. I remember, in very early sobriety, desparately wanting my family to understand why I had begun to drink, why I had become so lost. They didn't want to hear it. They wanted me to get better and that was it. They still don't want to hear about it. And, eventually, I came to realize that it was my journey, not theirs. We all love each other and connect with each other, but we are each on our own journey.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
They still don't want to hear about it. And, eventually, I came to realize that it was my journey, not theirs. We all love each other and connect with each other, but we are each on our own journey.
John I'm sorry for the pain that you are going through right now-
I'm not an alcoholic but have had an abundance of issues to overcome on my journey-to a better way of living for me! I thought everyone was out to get me....and why could they not do this for me and that for me....why do they not want to be around me-why are they doing that stupid thing for themselves (Answer: I needed to do for me the world did not revolve around me! I thought it did)
I know from my own experience's that facing what other's decide for themselves was something that I could not except-What I realize now my not accepting what choices they made for themselves only created a pure chaotic mess for myself.
I do not have to like the choices others make but, if I want to live in a content world I have to realize that they are making choices that are right for them and I need to make the choices I need for myself. The pain does go away and we do move on our journey into a better place-although it may not seem that way now.
I wish you many blessings and strength..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Yep, that's how it goes. Been there. Done that.
The good news? It gets better. Life seeks and attains its own level. Until then it is "out of body."
There's nothing surprising, really, when people go about their lives. And we wonder, "What about me?"
There is nothing more disarming to the addict as when people simply take care of their own business. Because it has been us who have been selfish and narcissistic. We took care of our business for however many years. Sure, we were there and even good fathers our mothers. But it always revolved around the alcohol. The best friend we invited over without anyone else's permission. Day after day.
Families are very complex organisms. Every one is different and every one adapts to the environment. Whether it is a family in the suburbs or Somalia. Everyone adapts. They have to. Sometimes the adaptations are dysfunctional. Sometimes they are based upon survival. Sometimes they are based on love.
Yeah, you have a tough situation. And here you are sober. Fully observant, nothing to numb the pain.
Which is why I feel so strongly that we must recover for ourselves and no one else. Very selfish, very necessary, I think. If we tie our sobriety to others, we not only grapple with it, but a million emotions and behaviors beyond our control.
When we become lovable, we will be loved, I have discovered. Problem is, we do not get to choose who will love us. Love is a totally voluntary thing.
Control what you can. Model your new "self." That's all you can do. Modeling is the most powerful form of persuasion. Ask Eliot Spitzer. Don't be surprised if it takes a lot of time. Eliot Spitzer may well have had an epiphany in the last week or so. Would you trust him?
It's easy to say "Stop the pity." But situations like this do involve grief. Grief is different than pity. Grief arises from situations over which we have no control. It's natural and it can be growth producing. Pity produces only toxins. Try to recognize and separate the two.
5 years hence, my ex and I are on very good terms. We'd be there in a New York minute for the other. But what we had is gone forever. My kids grew to be adults and love me dearly. They have grown out of the narcissism that is childhood. I forgive everyone and everyone forgives me.
But, the fact remains that we are all different because of the best friend who was always over years ago. He may be gone now, but the hours and minutes and years cannot be recovered. Accept it, get past it, and forgive yourself. Forgive them for who they are now. Let them become who they will be.
Try to structure things so that you aren't setting yourself up for pain. Instead of making dinner, ask who is up for dinner. Don't pose questions if you can't handle the answer.
Pity is poison, grief is normal. Change is inevitable. Make your changes and accept (within limits regarding your kids) others'. I don't like the fact that our economy is tanking. All I can do is adapt and make sure I survive and thrive.
Treat yourself well and don't be surprised of others do the same.
warrens
The good news? It gets better. Life seeks and attains its own level. Until then it is "out of body."
There's nothing surprising, really, when people go about their lives. And we wonder, "What about me?"
There is nothing more disarming to the addict as when people simply take care of their own business. Because it has been us who have been selfish and narcissistic. We took care of our business for however many years. Sure, we were there and even good fathers our mothers. But it always revolved around the alcohol. The best friend we invited over without anyone else's permission. Day after day.
Families are very complex organisms. Every one is different and every one adapts to the environment. Whether it is a family in the suburbs or Somalia. Everyone adapts. They have to. Sometimes the adaptations are dysfunctional. Sometimes they are based upon survival. Sometimes they are based on love.
Yeah, you have a tough situation. And here you are sober. Fully observant, nothing to numb the pain.
Which is why I feel so strongly that we must recover for ourselves and no one else. Very selfish, very necessary, I think. If we tie our sobriety to others, we not only grapple with it, but a million emotions and behaviors beyond our control.
When we become lovable, we will be loved, I have discovered. Problem is, we do not get to choose who will love us. Love is a totally voluntary thing.
Control what you can. Model your new "self." That's all you can do. Modeling is the most powerful form of persuasion. Ask Eliot Spitzer. Don't be surprised if it takes a lot of time. Eliot Spitzer may well have had an epiphany in the last week or so. Would you trust him?
It's easy to say "Stop the pity." But situations like this do involve grief. Grief is different than pity. Grief arises from situations over which we have no control. It's natural and it can be growth producing. Pity produces only toxins. Try to recognize and separate the two.
5 years hence, my ex and I are on very good terms. We'd be there in a New York minute for the other. But what we had is gone forever. My kids grew to be adults and love me dearly. They have grown out of the narcissism that is childhood. I forgive everyone and everyone forgives me.
But, the fact remains that we are all different because of the best friend who was always over years ago. He may be gone now, but the hours and minutes and years cannot be recovered. Accept it, get past it, and forgive yourself. Forgive them for who they are now. Let them become who they will be.
Try to structure things so that you aren't setting yourself up for pain. Instead of making dinner, ask who is up for dinner. Don't pose questions if you can't handle the answer.
Pity is poison, grief is normal. Change is inevitable. Make your changes and accept (within limits regarding your kids) others'. I don't like the fact that our economy is tanking. All I can do is adapt and make sure I survive and thrive.
Treat yourself well and don't be surprised of others do the same.
warrens
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
I feel like my whole marriage I have always come last and now I am sober and it's exactly the same way... So what's the point?
You may not believe it but my divorce is not about my drinking and I'm not quitting drinking because of the divorce.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
John my kids went into hiding when I got home from work when I was drinking, they did the same thing when I first got sober, it took them time to realize that I was not BSing, I really had quit. They slowly quit hiding when I got home..... but they continued to be teenagers which translates to cutting the apron strings as quickly as they can, we do occasionaly have the whole family together for dinner, but not very often.
My wife was ready to leave when I decided to quit, they had a place all lined up to move to, when I told her I was going into detox she said "So! We may or may not be here when you get out." I told her I was getting sober for me and that whether her and the kids stayed or not did not matter. She said "Good."
I have been sober over 18 months and the kids and I are fine, things are better between my wife and I, but nothing close to what it was like 10-15 years ago. I am working on staying sober and she likes me sober, but I need to be realistic and realize that 18 months sober does not make up for a solid 5 year long drunk and all the drunks before that.
Anger is something we need to really keep under control, keep going to meetings, talk to your sponsor, see a therapist, they all can help with anger if you let them know what is up.
My wife was ready to leave when I decided to quit, they had a place all lined up to move to, when I told her I was going into detox she said "So! We may or may not be here when you get out." I told her I was getting sober for me and that whether her and the kids stayed or not did not matter. She said "Good."
I have been sober over 18 months and the kids and I are fine, things are better between my wife and I, but nothing close to what it was like 10-15 years ago. I am working on staying sober and she likes me sober, but I need to be realistic and realize that 18 months sober does not make up for a solid 5 year long drunk and all the drunks before that.
Anger is something we need to really keep under control, keep going to meetings, talk to your sponsor, see a therapist, they all can help with anger if you let them know what is up.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
My question is what are you going to do now. Get off the pity wagon and take charge of the problem, and deal with it. It just was not your wife's fault, did you let the kids know about the dinner? If the kids knew about the dinner they are at fault to. YOu need to learn how to say things with out the chip on your shoulder. Guess what you are sober and you need to take it one day at a time and one problem at a time.
You should sit down and talk to your daughter about what happen with the dinner, and how that made you feel. Having to boys and divorced this will not be the first time the kids play both your wife and you against each other. If you can not deal with the soon to be exwife and the kids see that they know what to do to get what they want.
You should sit down and talk to your daughter about what happen with the dinner, and how that made you feel. Having to boys and divorced this will not be the first time the kids play both your wife and you against each other. If you can not deal with the soon to be exwife and the kids see that they know what to do to get what they want.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: life's road
Posts: 7
I would like to share a story from a spouse's point of view. My husband has recently discovered his own sobriety. We have been married for 15 years with 2 kids, 10 & 13. The last 2 have been especially difficult, as the alcohol became his #1 priority. When something inanimate that affects everyone involved comes before anything or anyone else, that hurts. And healing that pain takes time for family members.
It's also a matter of trust. It is very difficult to open yourself up again, in fear that the sobriety may not last. I've found that I have to learn to trust his sobriety. I know that relapses can happen, and I'm as ready as I can be. But rebuilding trust takes time.
Right now, we are relearning to be considerate and respectful of each others needs and feelings, and really trying to communicate openly. But there was a time where I went my way, and he went his. It hurt me too much to care about what he was doing. I had to protect myself and our kids. But as I learn to trust his sobriety, or I should say his commitment to sobriety, our relationship has grown in more ways I thought possible.
In the beginning, he made many efforts to make amends, but they all seemed so forced and ingenuine. But things have settled a bit, and the trust is coming back. Now, something that seemed ingenuine a couple months ago now makes me want to cry with joy at the amazing, thoughtful husband I have.
I wish you well, keep up with the sobriety. Life is too good to miss, wherever that road takes you, there will be an adventure.
It's also a matter of trust. It is very difficult to open yourself up again, in fear that the sobriety may not last. I've found that I have to learn to trust his sobriety. I know that relapses can happen, and I'm as ready as I can be. But rebuilding trust takes time.
Right now, we are relearning to be considerate and respectful of each others needs and feelings, and really trying to communicate openly. But there was a time where I went my way, and he went his. It hurt me too much to care about what he was doing. I had to protect myself and our kids. But as I learn to trust his sobriety, or I should say his commitment to sobriety, our relationship has grown in more ways I thought possible.
In the beginning, he made many efforts to make amends, but they all seemed so forced and ingenuine. But things have settled a bit, and the trust is coming back. Now, something that seemed ingenuine a couple months ago now makes me want to cry with joy at the amazing, thoughtful husband I have.
I wish you well, keep up with the sobriety. Life is too good to miss, wherever that road takes you, there will be an adventure.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: England
Posts: 1,733
Sorry to hear things are so tough for you 22, i was in that position a few years ago but we pulled back from the brink. It would have been very difficult for me not to have regular contact with the kids.
I hope life works out for you and keep your resolve, best wishes.
I hope life works out for you and keep your resolve, best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Newark,DE
Posts: 404
Hi John,
One thing stands out to me from your post, it almost seems like your wife is trying to reach out to you, but may have no idea how. Trust me, I know what a women is like that doesnt love you, and doesnt want you around.
She's probably as confused as you, and neither of you know what to do. The kids, well, kids will be kids, their both self-involved at that age, and most kids tend to block it all out when their parents are having issues.
My advice, invite your wife to a meeting away from home, lunch, dinner, something, and suggest putting the whole thing on hold for 30 days or so. Just suspend the divorce. And then suggest you both visit a counseler to discuss yours and the future of your children.
45 days is Huge!!! That gives you some creditablilty with everyone! Stay with it. If there is any chance to save your marriage, even if it means some groveling, do it. Divorce sucks, no matter what you do, the kids will have issues with it, and the grass aint greener.
If I've mis-read your situation, I'm sorry, just trying to offer my experience to you!
Let us know how it goes!
S
One thing stands out to me from your post, it almost seems like your wife is trying to reach out to you, but may have no idea how. Trust me, I know what a women is like that doesnt love you, and doesnt want you around.
She's probably as confused as you, and neither of you know what to do. The kids, well, kids will be kids, their both self-involved at that age, and most kids tend to block it all out when their parents are having issues.
My advice, invite your wife to a meeting away from home, lunch, dinner, something, and suggest putting the whole thing on hold for 30 days or so. Just suspend the divorce. And then suggest you both visit a counseler to discuss yours and the future of your children.
45 days is Huge!!! That gives you some creditablilty with everyone! Stay with it. If there is any chance to save your marriage, even if it means some groveling, do it. Divorce sucks, no matter what you do, the kids will have issues with it, and the grass aint greener.
If I've mis-read your situation, I'm sorry, just trying to offer my experience to you!
Let us know how it goes!
S
Naturally Occuring Phenomenon
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 437
Hey John,
Sorry to hear about the situation at home. Being that I've never been married, I don't have much to say about the breaking up with the wife and all situation, its just good re-enforcement for me to not get married and treat em like dey oughta be treated. Because its just too much baggage these days & its just not worth it. All I see is marriage divorice its like getting into college & graduating, what a mess.
I have been a son to my Dad though and we have always got along. When I was a young buck I always did the sleep over and stuff, Dad was cool about it and knew I had to have my friends. If he wanted to hang out, he would "capture" me, by waking me before anyone else and taking me to breakfast. I was willing to go and even if I didn't, ya cannot always say "no" to your oldman. Then we did whatever, he had me for as long as he wanted. He'd show me the different houses he lived in when he was growing up, tell me stories bout his childhood etc. Catch a movie whatever. Good stuff, wouldn't change it for the world. Plan ahead with your children, get the one on one time, its clutch. I tell my Dad EVERYTHING and still like to get captured at 24. Now he hs the girlfriend, funny how stuff works out.
Sorry for the ramble, hang in there!
Sorry to hear about the situation at home. Being that I've never been married, I don't have much to say about the breaking up with the wife and all situation, its just good re-enforcement for me to not get married and treat em like dey oughta be treated. Because its just too much baggage these days & its just not worth it. All I see is marriage divorice its like getting into college & graduating, what a mess.
I have been a son to my Dad though and we have always got along. When I was a young buck I always did the sleep over and stuff, Dad was cool about it and knew I had to have my friends. If he wanted to hang out, he would "capture" me, by waking me before anyone else and taking me to breakfast. I was willing to go and even if I didn't, ya cannot always say "no" to your oldman. Then we did whatever, he had me for as long as he wanted. He'd show me the different houses he lived in when he was growing up, tell me stories bout his childhood etc. Catch a movie whatever. Good stuff, wouldn't change it for the world. Plan ahead with your children, get the one on one time, its clutch. I tell my Dad EVERYTHING and still like to get captured at 24. Now he hs the girlfriend, funny how stuff works out.
Sorry for the ramble, hang in there!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well done on your sober time....
Are you doing Step work?
That's where I really began to see
a healthy joy filled future was possible for me.
Blessings to you and your family
Are you doing Step work?
That's where I really began to see
a healthy joy filled future was possible for me.
Blessings to you and your family
I never started to grow until I started working the steps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Medina, Ohio
Posts: 372
Well I blew it tonight and spit out every bit of venom I have felt since my wifes revelation that she hasn't loved me for five years. I said some horrible things and once I started, I couldn't stop. Now I hate myself for losing control, to her credit, she didnt.
Now I know I have blown any chance I had. I guess I relapsed on my divorce and have to start from day one again.
I am having a real hard time with this freeing myself from self will and leaving it all to God.
I don't want to get divorced period, yet it seems like every way I turn that's what's happening.
I just don't understand why she waited til I quit drinking to spring this on me. I keep thinking of the time we could spend together and fun we could have yet now whenever I see her all I think is of HER divorce.
I would still appreciate any more advice. And I know I am 50/50 from my wife on the reasons for the divorce, I'm not tryin to say I'm blameless.
John
Now I know I have blown any chance I had. I guess I relapsed on my divorce and have to start from day one again.
I am having a real hard time with this freeing myself from self will and leaving it all to God.
I don't want to get divorced period, yet it seems like every way I turn that's what's happening.
I just don't understand why she waited til I quit drinking to spring this on me. I keep thinking of the time we could spend together and fun we could have yet now whenever I see her all I think is of HER divorce.
I would still appreciate any more advice. And I know I am 50/50 from my wife on the reasons for the divorce, I'm not tryin to say I'm blameless.
John
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
Wish I could offer some words of wisdom, John (BTW...my ex's name was John). It takes two to make a marriage, but only one to make a divorce. You can't hold on to someone against their will.
Maybe she waited until she thought you were strong enough to deal with the reality. Instead of obsessing over the things you could have done in the future, why not try to be grateful for the good times you had together...there must have been some, or you wouldn't still want to be married to her. Perhaps it just wasn't enough for her...people do fall out of love, you know.
If you stay sober, you can still look forward to all the fun times you can have with your kids. That's something to aim for.
I just don't understand why she waited til I quit drinking to spring this on me. I keep thinking of the time we could spend together and fun we could have yet now whenever I see her all I think is of HER divorce.
If you stay sober, you can still look forward to all the fun times you can have with your kids. That's something to aim for.
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