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-   -   Where to belong... (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/146520-where-belong.html)

Conez 03-20-2008 03:57 PM

Where to belong...
 
A newcomer to SR, i search thru threads to learn some more n take in the expriences of others... some of which are helpful to my own realisations.
i believe that i medicate with alcohol (mainly what i consider untreated depression) but i cannot believe i'm an alcoholic altho i sit here with a beer for breakfast. i don't think i'm in denial, i knowly make these choices at cost... as all these things are never resolved there just made more bearable with my medication of choice.
so i have a consistant history of this n got to the stage were there's a physical dependance... this is the problem... i choose to do this YES i'm happy to do this..... but now if i try to stop my medication its like a going cold turkey off a prescribed med. the Issues that remain unresolved but masked by my choice of medicating (like low self esteem) go into overdrive... with no dr's supervision a wk of withdrawls brings me back to 'old ways' of maskin the problems. I can't grasp the concept of medical intervention due to lack of quality. so its taken a long time to find a regular dr to discuss any of these health related issues n seek the help thats obviously needed... on a rant now i go back to the thread title... where to belong... this life i live, i feel its not mine, i'm not really living it. Low self esteem, depression maskin with alcohol, unhealthy relationships, unhealthy habits... its hard to explain... like an AA friend said they never had control of their life until they got sober... yeah i need to sober up... but in metaphoric sense i believe my battle is with depression and self worth... the drinking is an immediate symptom that requires treatment but for long term resolve the issues that caused it need attention. i know i could end up being a sad alki in my old age with nothing but a trail of devastation behind me if i have no varience in the things that cause me this self harm.... or i can try get the headspace of the problem issues right n be able to use alcohol as intended... recreationally. as i battle my 'demons' i read these treads with lil imput coz i don't belong here... i don't even belong to this life.

Anna 03-20-2008 04:11 PM

Welcome!

Hmm, if you're so sure you don't belong here, then I wonder why you are searching for answers here? At any rate, I'm very glad you found us, because we offer lots of support.

You sound very similar to me when I stopped drinking. Personally, I think alcoholism is always a symptom of deeper problems. That's why stopping drinking is the beginning of the healing. Then comes working on the deeper problems.

I don't know if you're an alcoholic or not, only you can decide that. But, if you are, there is no going back to drinking alcohol as intended. If you are not an alcoholic, then there should be no problem at all to stop drinking. It sounds like you do have problems when you stop drinking.

I know for me, I had to get my depression properly treated before I could stop drinking. When I was depressed I just didn't care enough to put the effort into sobriety that I needed to. I can tell you that you can win the battle with depression and low self-esteem. It's not simple and it's not quick, but you can do it. You can soar, you can live your life.

CarolD 03-20-2008 04:18 PM

:wave:
Hi and Welcome!

My long term depression was why
I finally quit drinking.
As you might know...
alcohol itself is a depressant

Good to see you seeking answers
:)

Aysha 03-20-2008 05:08 PM

http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/j...ht/welcome.gif

ANGELINA243 03-20-2008 05:11 PM

Welcome! You sure sound like you are in the right place to me! Hang around awhile/keep posting. :ghug

Conez 03-20-2008 05:14 PM

thanx...
Anna the things u said that stuck out was.. just didn't care to put effort in... this is how i'm feelin while these problems exist, alcohol prob helps this lack of motivation but its the depression that started it... i started seeing a dr who is interested in helpin me thru all of this... i said the first thing i need to deal with was the drinkin coz if i got a handle on that i could maybe find a new ways of dealin with these underlying issues... fear creeps in coz i know exactly what it is i'm deealin with... it takes alot of time and change... meanwhile i do want this but just to endure this without self medicating or support thru other means is almost unrealistic. my dr has offered home detox with medication... which agree would be helpful for the dependance... then longterm these underlying issues still exist. as much as i wana take the challenge its a challenge to be mental fit and able to cope with the challenge or change... dr says i prempt things n that i would need to be not drinking for a couple wks before considering medicating depression or if thats even what we're dealin with.... lost thinking. do i treat the depression to ease the symptom of drinking... or do i treat the drinking and be free from the symptom of depression?

tennis71 03-20-2008 05:21 PM

Give AA a shot maybe even read Dr. Bob's story. Keep posting and I hope you find what your looking for.

gravity 03-20-2008 05:23 PM

Hi Conez,

You belong here. Sounds like your doctor really knows what he is talking about. Assistance with detox, clear the alcohol out of your system, and then look at the depression. It may be a tough ride in the beginning but so worth it - you will amaze yourself. I so agree with Anna. You can live a great life...it will take some hard work but you can do it. Keep posting. So many good people here, helped me so much.

D

reed 03-20-2008 05:24 PM

Physical dependence is a killer on your drinking lifestyle. The depression alone brought on by physical dependence was unbearable for me. Hands a shaking, anxiety, hungover or tired all the time, no desire for food & sweating like a maniac. It sucks to drink into physical dependence. What a frickin nightmare...having to drink even when I didn't want to...as far as low self esteem & depression, alcohol won't help with that either. Oh, the woes!

Conez 03-20-2008 05:27 PM

Carol, Angelina, Chiynita... thanx for the welcomes. i intend on staying around at SR coz its all part of my search for these answers to the questions i don't even understand. its been too long living life in these destructive patterns that i now seek help and change. i have started councelling and found a dr i thing is hearin my voice n scared request for support. its such a mountain to climb... every little bit helps.
thanks to all who take the time to follow this thread n give me thought to process n support to learn and grow...
there is hope one day somewhere i will find me and know i belong.

Anna 03-20-2008 05:31 PM

I think it really depends which came first.

My depression started in my very early twenties. I didn't begin drinking until many, many years later. I needed to treat the depression first, and that gave me the courage to stop drinking.

If the depression is a result of drinking, and it often is, then clearly stopping drinking for a period of a few months should show some progress with the depression lifting.

reed 03-20-2008 05:37 PM

Sounds like your on the right track C.

It took me forever to seek help/talk to anyone about my situations.
Best wishes & welcome to the forum.

Conez 03-20-2008 05:42 PM


Originally Posted by tennis71 (Post 1714421)
Give AA a shot maybe even read Dr. Bob's story. Keep posting and I hope you find what your looking for.

please give more info... I don't have much of a grasp on AA, alcoholism, treatment for depression, recovery or any of these steps of change I'm about to make...
it's all new territory....

nandm 03-20-2008 05:51 PM


Originally Posted by Conez (Post 1714440)
please give more info... I don't have much of a grasp on AA, alcoholism, treatment for depression, recovery or any of these steps of change I'm about to make...
it's all new territory....

There is a lot of information in our alcoholism 12 step forum. Look at the top of the page where it says "Step Study". There are threads there that cover the steps of the program as well as threads that cover the chapters of the Big Book. Feel free to post and questions as you read those areas. We will be glad to discuss our experiences with you. I wish you the best in your search for sobriety.

gravity 03-20-2008 05:53 PM

It really sounds like you have set up some great resources: counselling, an understanding doctor. And now SR! You are doing some great things! I'm only a bit over 3 months sober and here a link to an AA video that kind of blew me away (a bit over 3 months ago :)) - second entry in the thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-about-aa.html

Conez 03-20-2008 06:36 PM

thanx for the link gravity... i'd say its the video u wanted me to watch. i felt a knot rising n then tears flowed.. as much of this seems similar to what i'm experiencing at this stage of my life... i'm in denial...refusing to identify as an alcoholic. suggestions have been made that i attend an AA meeting. i'm going on the "what the hey.." sort of mentality, i will go to AA n seek the same answers as i do here at SR. its a matter of giving it a go... not that its the place i should be or the treatment for my sobriety. Can u be a fencesitting alcoholic? yeah it all makes sense that i behave this way (like i'm n alki) but i know its not me.

tennis71 03-20-2008 06:47 PM

It can be overwhealming if you think about fixing all of your problems at once. For me, thinking about all of my problems (financial, mental health, no job, pending divorce,DUI etc.) always led to a drink, and then 2 etc. Oddly enough the problems never went away when I was drinking.

I suggest starting with one problem, alcohol. I brought up Dr. Bobs story as it is easy to access and it gave me insight into the life of desperate man and his journey to sobriety. If you think that Dr. Bob may have something figured out then you can check out more AA stuff. If not, then you can try other resources.

Here's the link - It is under Dr. Bob's Nightmare
Personal Stories

Working on my sobriety is what is making my life better but it is not meant to discourage you from seeking professional advice regarding depression, chemical dependancy, relationships and so on.

So welcome to SR (forgot to say that before), this site is an excellent resource and forum, and keep posting your questions and concerns. I learn by example and experience and there is a lot of exerience here!

nogard 03-20-2008 06:59 PM

Welcome to SR :)

gravity 03-20-2008 07:25 PM

I kind of started out my AA journey in a "what the hey" frame of mind :). It was one of the SR members that stated something to the effect "why not hit up some meetings for a few months while you figure things out?". Sure! Why not? It's been an incredible program for me.

I really admire your strength for reaching out to your counsellor, doctor, SR, AA. Takes courage! D

353 03-20-2008 07:44 PM

"or i can try get the headspace of the problem issues right n be able to use alcohol as intended... recreationally."

I've never met a non-alcoholic person worry about getting their life in order so they could use alcohol as it was intended....but I understand that line of thought, believe me, oh do I understand that.

Good luck Conez, don't stop learning and searching

God's Peace


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