EasternLady

Hi all, I'm glad I've found this place. I've read some and I'd like to wish you all all the best is your fight.

I'm a mother of three from the DC area (although I'm out of the country at the moment). What brings me here is my 17-year-old son. He's always been the talented one in the family-- skipped a few grades, graduated from high school at 16 and went on to start college at an Ivy League school.

So, my son started college, and it looks like everything is going great: he's doing well in all his classes, making friends, although he's a few years younger than the other freshmen. And then I get a phone call from the dean's office... turns out my son was caught stealing money from an office at school. My son confessed to that, and to stealing from his roommates... turns out he was using the money to buy cocaine.

When we continued to confront him, he told us that he's been using cocaine since he was 15, and that he's been using heroin on a daily basis for the past few weeks...
We got him out of school, and checked him into rehab. He's been there for the past two weeks. He acknowledges that he has a problem with drugs, but says it's not an actual addiction.

Saying that I'm shocked and scared is an understatement.... I suspected for a while that something was wrong, but I chalked it up to his unique situation. If anyone reading this thinks I'm stupid for not realizing what was going on, go ahead, I know how stupid that was. What I'm looking for is advice from anyone who's been through this, from either side of the aisle...

What do I do? How do I get my son to realize the seriousness of his situation? How can I make sure he doesn't go back to using once he's out of rehab?

Thank you,

A heart broken mom

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad your son is in rehab, but I think he will have to fully accept that he is an addict in order to be able to recover. Denial is a big part of addiction and it prevents recovery.

Aysha

That has got to be tough.
Glad you are here.
Try checking out the Family and Friends section.
Lots of people will relate to you and have tons of info and support for you.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/
Welcome.

parentrecovers

hello easternlady,

i have a 23 year old daughter, addicted to alcohol and cocaine. face to face alanon meetings and private counseling help my husband and i cope.

remember this about your son's drug problem -
you didn't cause it
you can't cure it.
you can't control it.
you do have choices about how you allow it to effect your life though.

i'm glad he's in rehab - take advantage of any family sessions they offer while he's there, if you can.

mom hugs, k

Tazman53

Easternlady I wish I could tell you something to do, but as Anna pointed out that is something he will need to find for himself, he may find it in rehab or he may not.

I am a recovered alcoholic and there are similarities between alcoholism and addiction, denial of the problem is one of them. There are a few things he is going to need to do one of them is to be able to know deep inside his heart that he is an addict, even more importantly he is going to have to want to quit using more then he wants to use.

I work in Springfield and live in Fredericksburg, I would hope that his rehab has someone come in and speak to them about NA (Narcotics Anonymous), this is like AA but geared towards addicts.

Now you need to look out for you as well, look into Alanon, I beleive there is the equivelant of it for friends and family of addicts, also there is an excellent forum on this site that can give you support and help as well.

My son is an alcoholic and when his wife called me asking me to help him see he had a problem, knowing what I know about myself and my own recovery I told her he would have to see the problem himself and want to do something about it before I could even start to help him. I told her to go to alanon. Well thank God he did see he had a problem, he called me when he realized he did and is now sober.

BTW listen to ParentRecovers, she has a great deal of experience on your side of the fence!

warrens

Stupid? I'd probably say that all here would think that you are very smart. By seeking this place out and doing what is best (rehab) for your son.

As a side note, Yoour son would seem to be exceedingly bright. Skipped two grades.

I am a former principal and I almost always recommended against students skipping grades. Some of that was based upon my own experience, as I skipped one grade.

I was always less mature than my "peers." Intellect is only one aspect of development. Being two years separated, your son faces some challenges in being "accepted" that others don't. He is faced with an environment and decisions that he may be less capable than his "peers" in making.

I don't say this to judge. Just relaying experience. I have seen many incredibly bright kids have serious issues in high school when they were younger than their peers. I was 17 when I went ot college and in no way prepared for the "society" I encountered. Plus, it was the 60's! Took me 5 years and almost flunking out to graduate.

he may or may not be addicted, but he sure is on the right highway. He needs to see that for himself. HE needs to come to that conclusion. It cannot be imposed, I think.

I wish you all the best. I have 3 grown kids whom I love. Raising them was anything but easy.

warrens

avalonman

Thank you for sharing, I havent been that deep into a situation like that but cocaine is/has made its comeback to younger generations I'm 20 and remember seeing people do it since I was 16, and I went to both private and public schools. Im really glad he is in rehab but echoing someone else it is going to be up to him to decide what he needs to do. You as a parent can only reinforce it so much...I know because after getting my first DWI I did it again only a short while after...Its very hard, but it took a situation of near death/out of control for me to truly understand I have a problem. As a parent Im sure its very difficult but just be there for him and offer as much support as possible. I would recommend having him leave any friends because they will only deteriorate this situation. He sounds like a very bright kid! Hope this helped at least somewhat!
Thanks
AvalonMan

wooforever

Sorry for what you are going thru. Stupid do not let any one call you stupid and never call yourself stupid. I have learned being in recovery is great, but I did it for myself and for no one else.

For years I told myself that I did not have an problem I only was using on the weekends, or more if I had it. I had a brother-in-law that use to do both coke and heroin-he is no longer with us he died at an young age a month before he was to turn 25. His family did not think he had a problem and he said he could handle it-guess what he could not.

You can not fix him, you can force rehab on him. There are no promises that he will not use again. You only can set boundries and stick to them. Your son sounds like he has not hit rock bottom.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Rella927

Sorry for what you are going through! Welcome and glad that you found us!

Please keep posting! Positive note: your son is in rehab!

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!

Although, I'm sorry for the situation that brought you here.

First of all, you are not stupid. Unless someone is familiar with addiction, they usually don't see it as possible.

I am a recovering crack addict, and you've gotten some great advice above. The best thing my family did for me, was let me face my consequences and decide that I wanted to get clean. I am much, much older than your son, but addiction doesn't really care how old you are, how smart you are, or how much money you have....it can destroy anyone.

SR is a great place for support. The forum Chiynita put the link to, has a lot of moms and a few dads going through what you are going through. I post/read there, because I am a pretty bad codependent and they help me see what is in my control, and what is out of my control. Wherever you go on SR, you will find wonderful and supportive people.

I'm glad your son is in rehab, but unless he admits to addiction, he has a ways to go. Denial is a very stong thing. Most addicts/alcoholics don't get past denial until our consequences force us to.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

tennis71

Glad you found SR!

As I think everyone has been saying - it is not your fault. An addict who does not want help with go through many successful lengths to keep that addiction a secret. Even when people start to see the signs they can be reluctant to say anything.

It is a good thing that you son is in Rehad, it is a very good start. There are some good forums on this sight and you should be able to find a lot of people who can relate to you.

Keep coming back!

1963comet

Hi and Welcome

Glad that he is in treatment. I hope that he will get an understanding of addiction and what it does to people.

justanothrdrunk

1. Make sure you're taking care of yourself and the rest of your family - look into Alanon - they can help with that.
2. You can't. Don't try.
3. You can't. Don't try.

Addicts and alcoholics are jedi master hiders, liers, sneakers, and manipulators. You had no idea because he didn't want you to have an idea. And the kid is smart too...

You have absolutely no control over what he does, says, feels, or believes. You can do nothing. It may sound harsh, but that's the stark reality of it.

The best thing you can do for yourself is get involved with Alanon and learn some tools that will help you. And if wherever he's in treatment offers any sort of family program, do that too. Do know that the family program isn't for helping him, it's for helping you.

nandm

Welcome to SR!
You have recieved some wonderful experience in the previous posts. The only thing that I can add is my experience. Both of my oldest daughters started using at 13 and 15 years old. They both dropped out of school. Short of physically picking them up, puttiing them in the car, and sitting with them in the classes there was no way I could force them to go. Trying to force them to stop or even realize what they were doing was next to impossible. It finally got to the point they were bringing drug dealers into my home, they were running wild, refused to follow any rules, refused to even do simple things like pick up after themselves. I finally had enough. I gave them three chances to change their behavoirs, explaining the if the behaviors did not change they would no longer be welcome in my home. They finally used up that last chance. I put them on a plane to go live with their grandmother (my ex mother in law), who thought I was just exagerating about their behaviors, on April fools day 2002.

My oldest daughter did not speak to me for a year, she felt like I had abandoned her. They went through a period time where they got into meth and prostition. They did finally did wise up though and realize that their problems were related to their behaviors. A year and a half later my oldest daughter requested she come live with me again. Swore she was not going to use and was willing to do what ever needed to be done to stay. She has lived up to that promise. She is clean and sober today. She doesn't even smoke cigarettes. She has held down the same job she got the day she moved back here. She has returned to school to get her nursing assistant certificate and is planning on her GED. My other daughter still lives with her grandmother, no longer does meth. I do suspect that she may smoke pot at times and she does drink but that does not appear to be alcoholically yet. She is in vet tech school and doing well. They both have set and continue to work toward goals in their lives and have become productive citizens once again. I guess what I am trying to say is that tough love and following through with boundaries helped not only me to maintain a sense of sanity but also helped them make a choice about how they really wanted to live.