Almost out of the woods
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Almost out of the woods
As some of you may know I relapsed a few days ago. It was mostly a symbolic need, something I needed to get out of my system. Some may not agree, but I accept that.
I was surprised to find that I didn't actually make much use of my self-imposed "time out". In fact, I disliked it intensely. I found myself craving sobriety and hope, and not booze. I barely touched alcohol. Is it possible to find peace while drinking? At the moment and for the time being, I don't want to know. This is my stance until further notice. Sobriety rocks! If anyone is craving right now, believe me, you are missing out on nothing at all. All I got while drinking was hangovers and a bunch of broken promises. No guilt though.
It's different this time around. Something has changed, as Dean62 (huggy Dean) would say. I think... No, I feel I may have found some sort of meaning, I can't quite explain it, nor do I want to. It's something inside that is somehow guiding me in a new direction. I am not scared at all. I trust this feeling. It is not based on black or white. I feel it's based on self compassion and understanding. None of us was born to be an addict,I firmly belive that. Most of us have gone through tons of $hit, but there are other ways to deal with that. Peace and serenity is both the challenge and gift, to me at least.
Yes, as I've rambled on and on, this is a very rough time for me personally. I am grieving. But I'm okay with that also. I accept it and am willing to go through it; when I smile, it's genuine. When I was in school, we were usually asked what we wanted in the future. Some craved happiness, a lot craved money or celebrity. Peace was always my answer. I have discovered that hasn't changed. I'm not starting over at all. I'm just picking up where I left off.
I can't begin to thank you all for your encouragement and wisdom - and the laughs! A dear, departed friend once told me "It is wonderful to have so little to ask for, and so much to be grateful for." That sums up the way I feel right now. I think I might have faith after all. Meaning.
Love to you all, thank you
Matt - sobriety date soon!
I'm counting on you all, you know you can count on me. Speedracer isn't dead after all.
I was surprised to find that I didn't actually make much use of my self-imposed "time out". In fact, I disliked it intensely. I found myself craving sobriety and hope, and not booze. I barely touched alcohol. Is it possible to find peace while drinking? At the moment and for the time being, I don't want to know. This is my stance until further notice. Sobriety rocks! If anyone is craving right now, believe me, you are missing out on nothing at all. All I got while drinking was hangovers and a bunch of broken promises. No guilt though.
It's different this time around. Something has changed, as Dean62 (huggy Dean) would say. I think... No, I feel I may have found some sort of meaning, I can't quite explain it, nor do I want to. It's something inside that is somehow guiding me in a new direction. I am not scared at all. I trust this feeling. It is not based on black or white. I feel it's based on self compassion and understanding. None of us was born to be an addict,I firmly belive that. Most of us have gone through tons of $hit, but there are other ways to deal with that. Peace and serenity is both the challenge and gift, to me at least.
Yes, as I've rambled on and on, this is a very rough time for me personally. I am grieving. But I'm okay with that also. I accept it and am willing to go through it; when I smile, it's genuine. When I was in school, we were usually asked what we wanted in the future. Some craved happiness, a lot craved money or celebrity. Peace was always my answer. I have discovered that hasn't changed. I'm not starting over at all. I'm just picking up where I left off.
I can't begin to thank you all for your encouragement and wisdom - and the laughs! A dear, departed friend once told me "It is wonderful to have so little to ask for, and so much to be grateful for." That sums up the way I feel right now. I think I might have faith after all. Meaning.
Love to you all, thank you
Matt - sobriety date soon!
I'm counting on you all, you know you can count on me. Speedracer isn't dead after all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Matt
Seems like a bit of a metamorphosis going on. You may characterize it differently, but I sense a man eagerly running toward something and no longer running from.
I sense a difference. Less avoidance, more approach to the conflict. I have no doubt at all that you have the will to avoid, but the heart to approach is far more important.
It's not PC to say that a "slip" (you know how I hate that word) can be transformative, but I think that in your case you needed to pay the demon a revisit. Sounds like you found him not that scary. I think you are ready to calmly walk away and begin a journey forward, towards a palpable reward.
Days of enforced, white knuckle sobriety, while it may improve the body, can erode the soul. Without meaning the struggle is simply that and we are bound to crumble at some point.
I sounds like you have begun to find that meaning. Knowing you, I think you love to follow new paths. Eyes ahead, no need to even glance back because there is something new, something very cool around every bend in the foreground.
I think you've "got it," Matt. I think you are open and ready to receive the real "gift" of sobriety. One which you deserve. The cool part of this gift is that inside every box there is yet another box! With yet a better gift!
Gotta go, friend. I have to clean up all the wrapping paper that litters my place.
warren
Seems like a bit of a metamorphosis going on. You may characterize it differently, but I sense a man eagerly running toward something and no longer running from.
I sense a difference. Less avoidance, more approach to the conflict. I have no doubt at all that you have the will to avoid, but the heart to approach is far more important.
It's not PC to say that a "slip" (you know how I hate that word) can be transformative, but I think that in your case you needed to pay the demon a revisit. Sounds like you found him not that scary. I think you are ready to calmly walk away and begin a journey forward, towards a palpable reward.
Days of enforced, white knuckle sobriety, while it may improve the body, can erode the soul. Without meaning the struggle is simply that and we are bound to crumble at some point.
I sounds like you have begun to find that meaning. Knowing you, I think you love to follow new paths. Eyes ahead, no need to even glance back because there is something new, something very cool around every bend in the foreground.
I think you've "got it," Matt. I think you are open and ready to receive the real "gift" of sobriety. One which you deserve. The cool part of this gift is that inside every box there is yet another box! With yet a better gift!
Gotta go, friend. I have to clean up all the wrapping paper that litters my place.
warren
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,047
By what I understand matt, it's very difficult to cope with a head full of recovery and a belly full of alcohol. And while I know we sometimes get tired of the slogans and acronyms, I've learned through watching sponsees that the word "slip" stands for Sobriety Loses It's Priority.
Your courage and determination shines through in your honesty. I always appreciate hearing truth and awareness from others in recovery. Glad you're still here with us!
Your courage and determination shines through in your honesty. I always appreciate hearing truth and awareness from others in recovery. Glad you're still here with us!
Adjusting my Sails
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
Originally Posted by mattcake79 
A dear, departed friend once told me "It is wonderful to have so little to ask for, and so much to be grateful for." That sums up the way I feel right now..
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