DES

Come midnight tonight It'll be two weeks since I've had a drink. I just wanted to put down some random thoughts. I thought it might help me to write some of this stuff out. I know none of you can really help me, it's up to me, but I do appreciate everyones support. Sorry for the downbeat post.

Doug

>I feel much better physically

>I'm depressed, ...still. Nothing new, I was depressed when I was drinking. Been depressed for a couple of years now, ever since my wife left me.

>I want a drink, nothing sounds better than a bottle of rum. I'm afraid it'll kill me though. I think that's the main thing that's stopping me from drinking. I wasn't sure I'd make it through my last detox alive.

>I have no motivation, again nothing new.

>I was in therapy for a year or so, till I couldn't afford to go anymore. It didn't help anyway.

>I think I tried every antidepressant out there, none helped. I could tell NO difference.

>I think about suicide from time to time, don't worry, I'm too chicken to do that. Besides, everything is so messed up in my life I'd leave a real mess for my kids to sort through. I don't want to do that to them.

>I hate to go anywhere, even the store. I put it off as long as possible. I just want to go home and pull the curtains closed.

>I haven't been to aa yet, see above.

>I waste all my time on the internet while at work. I can't even run my business.

>Nothing brings me pleasure. I only felt normal when I was drunk. I'm not sure I'll ever be normal. I'm not even sure what that means for me.

>I have a girlfriend, she's sweet and supportive. Problem is, she's in love with me but I'm not in love with her. If she didn't call me from here on out I really wouldn't care. If she knew this she'd be really hurt.

>I just want to fly away to an island somewhere and forget everything.

teej

I'm sorry you're feeling like this DES. Maybe with more sober time (way to go on 2 weeks by the way!!!!!!) you will start feeling good again. Sending you good wishes. Hang in there!!

GoldenGirl

Des,
Sorry you are feeling so awful. I felt dreadful the first weeks of sobriety. Keep posting,
GG

Jomey

Hey DES- Congrats on the two weeks. I am sorry you are in such pain. Is there anyone who could take you to an AA meeting? If you know you are getting a ride and someone is coming to pick you up, it might just be enough to get you up and going. Or maybe you want to try smaller steps...like a walk around the block, or work around the house for 5 minutes.

Most of all, though, are you under a doctor's care? You mentioned having tried lots of anti depressants - was that while sober or while you were drinking? Could make a world of difference if you try meds. sober. Of course, the doc. would have to advise you about that, but it sure would be worth it to ask.

Keep posting and good wishes to you. Jomey

reed

hello

sorry you are bummed out. atleast you are sober. hang in there, something good is bound to happen.

Heatmizuh

I remember when I hit my first week (was miserable), then second (still miserable).

Just hang in there.

adore79

Hi DES. Hang in there, things will get better. Alcohol works against antidepressents, maybe they would be more effective now? Something to ask your doc about maybe.

least

I'm on week one and feeling a bit like you are, especially the depression. It does get better tho, I believe, we just have to hold on til it does. It's great to be able to come here and get support and encouragment.:ghug2 Good luck to you.

Dee74

OK 2 weeks is pretty early in, but to me it sounds like there's more than alcohol issues going on DES.

The depression thing..occasional thoughts of self harm...no motivation, isolating..these are not normal states to be in.

If your doctor has been ineffective with support and medication - get a new one. If your therapist sucked - look around for others.

No-one should have to live depressed, DES. It's not the way things have to be.

good luck !

D

Astro

Doug, I learned in AA to listen for the similarities rather than the differences. In your post I can relate to so much that I thought I'd share some thoughts.

Eat right, exercise, and you'll be amazed at how good you feel. Alcohol kept me paralyzed for almost 27 years, I'm in awe of how good I feel when I wake up every morning.

Alcohol is a depressant so that makes sense. When my now ex booted me out 3 years I spent months wallowing in depression and misery. I can honestly say now that the marriage wouldn't have lasted anyway, and I'm happier than I've ever been. Are you seeing a doctor about your depression?

I still have those cravings sometimes, and they pass quickly now. It helps to remind myself that my next drink will be the beginning of the end for me. I can never drink safely again, to drink is to die.

My first few months sober I spent any free time I had lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, regretting my past and planning my suicide. I finally broke free of that by forcing myself to take walks and bike rides, and most importantly to go to AA meetings. Nowadays my life is so full with family, friends, and recovery work that I barely have any energy left at the end of the day. Motivation is the least of my problems!

I went to therapy until my therapist figured out that my AA meetings helped me more, so he suggested I quit wasting his time and my money and go to more meetings instead. But that's just what worked for me.

I tried Lexapro, Zoloft, and a couple others before finally settling on EffexorXR, and it took me months to get fully comfortable with it. Just my experience, I'm not a doctor. What I learned is that it takes time for any AD or SRI to be effective, and everyone will have a different experience.

At one month sober I checked myself into the ER with suicidal ideations, and was promptly admitted to a mental hospital for psychiatric evaluations. There was a nurse there who'd been in AA for years, he helped me understand that I was an alcoholic and that AA would be a benefit to my recovery. I thanked him, blew off his advice, and found myself suicidal again 4 months later. That's when I surrended to AA and a Higher Power.

Again, sometimes I have to force myself to go out instead of isolating. My instinct is to isolate which will lead me to a drink. Much better to get some fresh air and go to a meeting.

They say in AA to keep coming back until the miracle happens. In spite of not wanting to go to meetings, I went anyway knowing it was a matter of life or death for me, and I'd hold onto a chair with both hands when I wanted to run out. Eventually the miracle happened for me. Now I don't like to miss my daily meeting. I have a home and family in AA.

That's what led me to SR. I was always on the net at work, so rather than surfing for porn or some other mindless pursuit, I looked for a way to share my experience, strength, and hope with others in recovery. I found a home here too, along with friends and family.

I'm an alcoholic, so I don't consider myself normal. After all, I can't drink like normal people do. What brings me pleasure is sharing the gift of a sober life with my children, family, and friends. I wouldn't trade my life in recovery for anything.

Honesty is a huge part of my recovery program. The truth might hurt the people that I love, but keeping it from them and hiding my true feelings kept me drunk for most of my life.

Great idea, but how about saving it as a reward for your sobriety someday? Recovery is difficult to do alone, maybe impossible. Instead, how about attending AA meetings, making new friends, and getting phone numbers from people who can help you and support you in your recovery? Even after a few years of sobriety I still find that my best day ends with an AA meeting where I can be with people who are just like me.

Wishing you all the best in your recovery, Doug.

Scott

teej

Well said Dee!

And Astro!

stone

I think Dee says it all, beyond that, welcome.

CarolD

Depression is why I started AA recovery.
I was fortunate....
my depression lifted and vanished by 3 months of AA.

Good to see you are here again
2 weeks can be your fresh beginning!

Dee74

DES

go to AA by all means...I think it would do you good simply for the fact of getting out and meeting people who understand alcoholism...

but, not withstanding the excellent testimonies here, a couple of years is a long time to be depressed and AA falls short of any semblance to professional therapy, IMO.

just my thoughts.
again, good luck!
D

nogard

How yoiu doing DES?

Welcome to SR.