I'm new, I'm terrified, I'm lost.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Lost
Posts: 20
I'm new, I'm terrified, I'm lost.
I don't even know what to say in here.
I decided yesterday to quit lying to myself and pretending I wasn't an alcoholic. I'm so ashamed that I let this happen to me.
I have appointments coming up w/ a doctor and a counselor to get some help. I just started a new job and I need to detox and I don't want to tell them. I've been reading the detox thread and now I'm completely terrified.
I have been drinking daily and heavily (8-15 units a night) for about a year. I've been drinking nearly daily but not always heavily for about 3 years. I've been using cocaine about every two weeks for a year and a half. (I keep it on a schedule, you see, because if I'm not doing it every day then I can't be an addict, right?! Except I've always known that controlling it with rules is the first sign of addiction) I don't drink until after 5pm, ever. lately I've started getting shakes at around 3pm.
I've been getting night sweats almost every night for about 3 months. The blackouts started a couple of months ago. The couple of times I've decided, "I'm not going to drink tonight!" I've lasted about 3 hours before I just give in, because it's easier to have a drink than it is to go through the sweats, the shakes, the heart palpitations, the "everything is too bright and too loud and too big"- knowing I could stop it in an instant if I just have a drink.
I've driven drunk more times than I can count. I don't even know how many times I woke up at home, in bed, and thought, "Well, I guess I got home even though I don't remember it". Now, though, I pretty much just drink alone. This weekend, I went on a coke and booze bender. I woke up Monday morning and thought, "This is it. Decide now: keep ignoring this and lose everything, then die, or do the hard thing and do something about it." I woke my boyfriend up and asked him for help with my drinking. I couldn't face my mother and tell her on the phone, so I emailed her. The support and love she replied with makes me grateful, and ashamed, and worthless feeling, because I don't deserve it.
What's shocking is how long this has been going on and how long I've been able to pretend I could lie to myself.
I dont know if I can go to AA. I can not pray, I can not believe in a higher power, and I do not want to try. I'm just tired of feeling trapped within myself, and alone.
I decided yesterday to quit lying to myself and pretending I wasn't an alcoholic. I'm so ashamed that I let this happen to me.
I have appointments coming up w/ a doctor and a counselor to get some help. I just started a new job and I need to detox and I don't want to tell them. I've been reading the detox thread and now I'm completely terrified.
I have been drinking daily and heavily (8-15 units a night) for about a year. I've been drinking nearly daily but not always heavily for about 3 years. I've been using cocaine about every two weeks for a year and a half. (I keep it on a schedule, you see, because if I'm not doing it every day then I can't be an addict, right?! Except I've always known that controlling it with rules is the first sign of addiction) I don't drink until after 5pm, ever. lately I've started getting shakes at around 3pm.
I've been getting night sweats almost every night for about 3 months. The blackouts started a couple of months ago. The couple of times I've decided, "I'm not going to drink tonight!" I've lasted about 3 hours before I just give in, because it's easier to have a drink than it is to go through the sweats, the shakes, the heart palpitations, the "everything is too bright and too loud and too big"- knowing I could stop it in an instant if I just have a drink.
I've driven drunk more times than I can count. I don't even know how many times I woke up at home, in bed, and thought, "Well, I guess I got home even though I don't remember it". Now, though, I pretty much just drink alone. This weekend, I went on a coke and booze bender. I woke up Monday morning and thought, "This is it. Decide now: keep ignoring this and lose everything, then die, or do the hard thing and do something about it." I woke my boyfriend up and asked him for help with my drinking. I couldn't face my mother and tell her on the phone, so I emailed her. The support and love she replied with makes me grateful, and ashamed, and worthless feeling, because I don't deserve it.
What's shocking is how long this has been going on and how long I've been able to pretend I could lie to myself.
I dont know if I can go to AA. I can not pray, I can not believe in a higher power, and I do not want to try. I'm just tired of feeling trapped within myself, and alone.
Normal people are so hostile
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 22
I'm new here, too, and I don't know what I'm doing, either. So much of you sounds like me. I had 3 days under my belt and just blew it about an hour ago. I will tell you, from what I have seen around here, if you're really ready to change yourself, this place can be a tremendous help. You just have to be ready and it sounds like you are. Your family is behind you and that is the best tool you can have, IMO. Good luck in your journey.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,024
Welcome to both of you, this is a wonderful place to start your recovery, to ask questions and receive support.
Something that helped me in early recovery was to have a plan, even if that plan was just not taking a drink and making it to an AA meeting every night, even when I didn't want to go. I didn't have a belief in Higher Power, My God wasn't answering my prayers the way I wanted Him to, and I was at my wits end. But I knew that no matter what I had to attend meetings, and that I could never safely drink again. My sobriety became a matter of life or death.
I hope to hear more from you two, and I can assure you that it's possible to have a wonderful life without drinking or using again.
Something that helped me in early recovery was to have a plan, even if that plan was just not taking a drink and making it to an AA meeting every night, even when I didn't want to go. I didn't have a belief in Higher Power, My God wasn't answering my prayers the way I wanted Him to, and I was at my wits end. But I knew that no matter what I had to attend meetings, and that I could never safely drink again. My sobriety became a matter of life or death.
I hope to hear more from you two, and I can assure you that it's possible to have a wonderful life without drinking or using again.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Hi SeekingSelf,
Being honest with yourself and taking a real hard look at the situation, is a really difficult thing to do. It's a big first step. Have you talked to your dr? Detoxing from alcohol can be very dangerous.
Take a look around and read and learn. I hope you keep posting.
Being honest with yourself and taking a real hard look at the situation, is a really difficult thing to do. It's a big first step. Have you talked to your dr? Detoxing from alcohol can be very dangerous.
Take a look around and read and learn. I hope you keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
Welcome seekingself,
Everything I say on this board is my opinion so please keep that in mind. You say you can't believe in a Higher Power, I would contend you already do. For years alcohol and cocaine was a power greater than me and my higher power. I would plan my life around the use of alcohol and drugs, I would be aggravated and even angry when I couldn't use the way I wanted. My addiction had dominion over me, no two ways about it.
I know AA makes reference to God and Higher Power and for some, myself included the transition to the "God" concept is an easy one, for others it's more difficult and that's normal and OK. Many people use the group (friends in AA) as a Higher Power and that's perfectly acceptable. In fact it's your Higher Power, it can be whatever you want it to be. I've heard GOD refered to as Good Orderly Direction and that's true as well. The point is I'm powerless over alcohol and drugs. Once I worked the first step with someone in the program I realized that being powerless means there's nothing in me capable of defending myself from the first drink. I NEED HELP !!
I need a solution to my problems other than alcohol and drugs, I've found that solution in the program of AA. I continue to be a part of AA because it works for me on a daily basis.
Good Luck on your journey to freedom and peace
Peace to You
Everything I say on this board is my opinion so please keep that in mind. You say you can't believe in a Higher Power, I would contend you already do. For years alcohol and cocaine was a power greater than me and my higher power. I would plan my life around the use of alcohol and drugs, I would be aggravated and even angry when I couldn't use the way I wanted. My addiction had dominion over me, no two ways about it.
I know AA makes reference to God and Higher Power and for some, myself included the transition to the "God" concept is an easy one, for others it's more difficult and that's normal and OK. Many people use the group (friends in AA) as a Higher Power and that's perfectly acceptable. In fact it's your Higher Power, it can be whatever you want it to be. I've heard GOD refered to as Good Orderly Direction and that's true as well. The point is I'm powerless over alcohol and drugs. Once I worked the first step with someone in the program I realized that being powerless means there's nothing in me capable of defending myself from the first drink. I NEED HELP !!
I need a solution to my problems other than alcohol and drugs, I've found that solution in the program of AA. I continue to be a part of AA because it works for me on a daily basis.
Good Luck on your journey to freedom and peace
Peace to You
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Lost
Posts: 20
The really crazy thing right this minute is that I dont drink until 6pm, but lately I start feeling crappy at, like, 3pm. Right now, my hands/feet are sweaty, I have a headache, my back hurts (is that my liver? Where is it, anyway? my back hurts just under my ribcage, all the way across. Can I take anything to make it hurt less?), I feel like my body is off-balance from the world....I have to go to my boyfriend's mothers for her birthday dinner and have just a glass or two of wine just so i can feel NORMAL.
I know that I've never truly been sober, not since I was, oh, 25 (i'm almost 33). Pot, alcohol, pills, alcohol, coke, alcohol....
I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow who will hopefully help me figure out how to safely detox this weekend. But...detoxing is the easy part, isn't it?
I just want to be able to share my thoughts when I need to, for a change...I feel like this is a good place to do it.
I know that I've never truly been sober, not since I was, oh, 25 (i'm almost 33). Pot, alcohol, pills, alcohol, coke, alcohol....
I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow who will hopefully help me figure out how to safely detox this weekend. But...detoxing is the easy part, isn't it?
I just want to be able to share my thoughts when I need to, for a change...I feel like this is a good place to do it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 1,768
I'm not trying to be a snot.........but why can't you go to an AA meeting? When I'm ready to put it down, thats the first place I'll run to. You don't have to be religious to go to AA!! You're higher power can be anyone or even your own brain and heart. It could mickey mouse if that who you choose.
Thing that really works with AA (IMO) is being around people in your shoes, who will NEVER judge you, but instead show you support like no other. Please try not to cross AA off you list!!
Thing that really works with AA (IMO) is being around people in your shoes, who will NEVER judge you, but instead show you support like no other. Please try not to cross AA off you list!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Yorkshire, England
Posts: 5
Well done and keep at it!
AA is not the only way - so far I'm proof of that. I could not swallow the higher power stuff.
Plain reality, hope, will-power and some good alternative books helped me. It's not easy, but honestly, being sober is truly rewarding and enjoyable. Stick with it. If you fall down - get up again!
AA is not the only way - so far I'm proof of that. I could not swallow the higher power stuff.
Plain reality, hope, will-power and some good alternative books helped me. It's not easy, but honestly, being sober is truly rewarding and enjoyable. Stick with it. If you fall down - get up again!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: RI
Posts: 31
You know, you just may find that the higher power is actually the power within you. That's not so far fetched. Even as a Catholic we were taught that God is everywhere and is the spirit within. So I guess that's why people of any religon, and of no religon at all can look to a higher power. You already have it; just look inside.
Good luck to all,
Sportster
Good luck to all,
Sportster
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,024
Here is information for both of you on detoxing, but please see a doctor.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Self seeking and Invisigirl,
If I may I too want to welcome you to a realm where judgment for the most part is suspended. The reason being that those of us on this site know you as well as you know yourselves, perhaps a wee bit better since we have stood where you stand now, and were able to take the next step. I for one have to say that it is only after you have moved from hopeless drunk, to struggling alcoholic, that you can begin to get some perspective on WHERE you WANT to go next.
In other words the complete lack of hope begins to be replaced by an inkling of an idea of what you want, but you may still not be sure how to get there. That is where a group of people who have been there before and know the way, can be of immeasurable help. Please note: IF ALL YOU ARE SEEKING IS SOME GUIDENCE AND DIRECTION at this point, don't concern yourself too much with where the folks providing that assistance are getting their input, (higher power or not). What I am trying to say is just take what is being offered in the beginning and START getting sober, the particulars can be used to fill in the blanks later.
When I started in AA I was positive that I was not going for the God thing, or even the "confession of past acts" part. In fact I was damn sure that I was not going to do any "helping of others" later on. In short I was looking for the 1 step AA program, where you say "I am Jon and I am an alcoholic." End of story!
Turns out that was actually enough in the beginning. The rest just kind of came as I went along. I did finally take all the steps. I still don't go to church; however I am convinced that I am leaning on "some kind of a higher power." It all has come together and I am still not sure how almost 9 years later? It works, it just does.
It turns out that I was just DESPERATE enough to try anything, including AA!
After all; If you are drowning and someone throws you a rope, I am not starting the rescue procedure by stating that "I ONLY CAN GRAB A NYLON ROPE, BECAUSE YOU SEE, I REALLY DON"T CARE FOR HEMP, COTTON, OR VARIOUS OTHER PLASTICS!"
Grab on and we will pull you into our boat, and WELCOME ABOARD!
Jon
If I may I too want to welcome you to a realm where judgment for the most part is suspended. The reason being that those of us on this site know you as well as you know yourselves, perhaps a wee bit better since we have stood where you stand now, and were able to take the next step. I for one have to say that it is only after you have moved from hopeless drunk, to struggling alcoholic, that you can begin to get some perspective on WHERE you WANT to go next.
In other words the complete lack of hope begins to be replaced by an inkling of an idea of what you want, but you may still not be sure how to get there. That is where a group of people who have been there before and know the way, can be of immeasurable help. Please note: IF ALL YOU ARE SEEKING IS SOME GUIDENCE AND DIRECTION at this point, don't concern yourself too much with where the folks providing that assistance are getting their input, (higher power or not). What I am trying to say is just take what is being offered in the beginning and START getting sober, the particulars can be used to fill in the blanks later.
When I started in AA I was positive that I was not going for the God thing, or even the "confession of past acts" part. In fact I was damn sure that I was not going to do any "helping of others" later on. In short I was looking for the 1 step AA program, where you say "I am Jon and I am an alcoholic." End of story!
Turns out that was actually enough in the beginning. The rest just kind of came as I went along. I did finally take all the steps. I still don't go to church; however I am convinced that I am leaning on "some kind of a higher power." It all has come together and I am still not sure how almost 9 years later? It works, it just does.
It turns out that I was just DESPERATE enough to try anything, including AA!
After all; If you are drowning and someone throws you a rope, I am not starting the rescue procedure by stating that "I ONLY CAN GRAB A NYLON ROPE, BECAUSE YOU SEE, I REALLY DON"T CARE FOR HEMP, COTTON, OR VARIOUS OTHER PLASTICS!"
Grab on and we will pull you into our boat, and WELCOME ABOARD!
Jon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Lost
Posts: 20
What I want changes from minute to minute, at least superficially. What I've truly wanted inside hasn't ever changed but I haven't ever been able to make them happen for myself. I want to like myself, and respect myself, and feel worthy of something. Coke, of course, temporarily fixes it. Alcohol temporarily numbs it.
I thank all of you for your replies. I desperately want to be around people who understand me, and who won't judge me for self-hatred and for being so weak as to use drugs and alcohol to hide from it.
I have my local AA list of meetings, and I keep looking at it.
I thank all of you for your replies. I desperately want to be around people who understand me, and who won't judge me for self-hatred and for being so weak as to use drugs and alcohol to hide from it.
I have my local AA list of meetings, and I keep looking at it.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi again....
AA? click here for info
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-about-aa.html
Here is a link to the book we use
Big Book On Line
Be gentle with yourself ...you too can recover.
AA? click here for info
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-about-aa.html
Here is a link to the book we use
Big Book On Line
Be gentle with yourself ...you too can recover.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
The first time I walked into an AA Meeting I thought to myself,"I am NOT like any of these people here."
The first time I walked out of an AA Meeting I thought to myself," I AM one of these people."
I was so grateful to find out that I was not a hopeless wack job like I thought I was. I thought that I was one sick individual who needed to be in some psychiatric facility for the rest of my life. There is no way that I could be sane and keep drinking and using like I was again and again and still have all kinds of consequences. What person in their right mind would go out night after night, get so damn drunk and high that they couldn't even walk some times. What kind of person would steal their Mom's much needed prescription meds to take for themselves? I had to be a horrible Mom myself to drag my infant son around in some of the places that I took him. I was horrrible for using my Son's Birthday Money to buy dope with. How sick am I for having unnecessary medical procedures in order to get pain pills?
I think you get the point. I was very relieved when I went into the rooms of AA.
I found a Home. A home where I was loved and accepted for being myself.
And, I was told to "keep coming back,"
Instead of
" get the hell out of here and never come back!"
The first time I walked out of an AA Meeting I thought to myself," I AM one of these people."
I was so grateful to find out that I was not a hopeless wack job like I thought I was. I thought that I was one sick individual who needed to be in some psychiatric facility for the rest of my life. There is no way that I could be sane and keep drinking and using like I was again and again and still have all kinds of consequences. What person in their right mind would go out night after night, get so damn drunk and high that they couldn't even walk some times. What kind of person would steal their Mom's much needed prescription meds to take for themselves? I had to be a horrible Mom myself to drag my infant son around in some of the places that I took him. I was horrrible for using my Son's Birthday Money to buy dope with. How sick am I for having unnecessary medical procedures in order to get pain pills?
I think you get the point. I was very relieved when I went into the rooms of AA.
I found a Home. A home where I was loved and accepted for being myself.
And, I was told to "keep coming back,"
Instead of
" get the hell out of here and never come back!"
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
