invisigirl

I don’t know if this is the place for me. I feel like I need something, I’m just not sure what it is. I won’t go to AA, I won’t pray, and I won’t go to a doctor. I don’t think I’m quite at that point yet. I’m 38, married for 16 years with a 15 year old son. I’ve been drinking since I was 16. I did a lot more than drink for some of those years, but that’s been over for a long time, since before I got married. DH and I own our own business, and while he runs that during the day, I work as an office manager, mainly for the insurance. Small office in a small town. Very easy to hide a bottle of Vodka or Rum in my desk drawer for the occasional afternoon nip. Happy Hour Fridays are a common occurrence in my office. Guess who instigates those.

Living about 3 minutes from my office, it’s very easy to go home and drink lunch. Beer is my poison. How bad can that be? Two or three 16 ouncers and I’m ready to leave DH to enjoy the beautiful day while I go back and rot away in my office. This isn’t every day, mind you, but it doesn’t take much. Such and such was a bitch today, this client wants this and this one wants that- I can find a reason to drink to take the edge off in pretty much any situation.

Here’s the thing. I don’t drink every day. But when I do, boy I do. I cannot be a social drinker. I drink until I don’t remember. I drink until I hit on people. I drink myself into oblivion. Then I’ll wake up the next morning and feel like ****. Swear that’s it. And it will be for a few days. I’ll sleep like crap, sweat like a pig, and get it all out. Then something comes up. Festival? Drink. Stress at work? Drink. Parents coming into town? Drink.

The thing is, I enjoy it. A lot. I just can’t make myself stop at that point right before going over the edge. I don’t drive drunk. I’m not a mean drunk. I haven’t lost friends because of it. Maybe what I want is to learn how to stop at “that point”. Maybe I’m not as bad as I think I am?

Actually, I wonder if places like this really help, as when I joined and started writing this, I was really looking forward to quitting completely. Getting healthy. Getting the monkey off my back. Now I just want a drink. Did anyone else start out like this?

nandm

The question would be how far down do you want to take the elevator before you get off? It goes all the way to the bottom, alcoholic death and/or insanity. In between are places like you are at as well as those where people have gotten a few DUI's or wrecked few cars and relationships; places where people have lost jobs, houses, families, etc...; places where the curb is their pillow;......the elevator continues down.

Even if you choose to continue your ride I do hope you will keep checking in with us or remeber we are here when you finally decide you've had enough of the ride and are ready to get off.

adore79

I was on the fence about quitting when I first came here, but then I read stories about what would happen if I continued, and I read stuff about people who had gotten their lives back together or where in the process of doing so. Now this site is a major reason that I don't drink and I am better off, I don't want another trip to the ER, or for my life to get worse than it already is from the poison called alcohol. So I will ask a question that many asked me: Do you want to quit? Welcome to SR! Nice to have you here.

invisigirl

I do think I want to get off the elevator. And I have been reading around this site a lot- it is an eye-opener to say the least. I haven't had a drink since Sunday, though, and I already feel like a shell of myself. What if the alcohol is who I am? I feel boring and short-tempered and very on edge. What if the me everyone knows isn't really me after all? Will they still like/love me then?

Done_With_It

I hear a lot of fear in your post. I hope you stay and try to figure out the answers to these questions.

I think a lot of us go through the same or similar feelings.

Emimily

truth - you sound a LOT like a lot of the women i meet when they're first getting sober. any change can be frightening, especially when you're leaving the thing that "worked" for you for so long and trying a different way of life. it's worth it, though. sobriety is a crazy journey, but not one to be missed.

best of luck - keep us posted!

Rob B

You stated what you wouldn't do in your original post. So...What will you do? What actions will you take? I see a lot of people sitting on the fence, sometimes for years before deciding to commit. Those who make it to recovery tell me those were not enjoyable years.

invisigirl

Thank you, everyone, for the words of encouragement, and just for replying at all. I will definitely be around. I really do want to do this. It is a scary thing, though, quitting something you've been doing almost half your life. Hopefully I'll like the person I find at the other end.

invisigirl

Good question. I will come here. I will try and stop making up excuses to drink. Like Easter... I'm already struggling with the thought of that. Throwing horseshoes at the beach and barbecuing around 20 other people drinking... I'm not real optimistic about that. I would stay home if I could, but that's not an option. Can't be anti-social, now can I? *sigh* I don't know. You want to know our town motto? Seriously, it's on t-shirts:

"A small little drinking town with a fishing problem". I may be outnumbered.

nandm

Quote:

Originally Posted by invisigirl

I do think I want to get off the elevator. And I have been reading around this site a lot- it is an eye-opener to say the least.

Good to hear it.

Quote:

I haven't had a drink since Sunday, though, and I already feel like a shell of myself. What if the alcohol is who I am? I feel boring and short-tempered and very on edge. What if the me everyone knows isn't really me after all? Will they still like/love me then?

I can so relate to what you are saying here. When I started sobriety I had no idea who I was without the alcohol. When people would say "so tell me about yourself" I would say "well I am a (job title)," I couldn't describe myself in real terms of who I am. Today, I can actually answer that question because I know who I am inside. I am no longer a shell of a human who is defined by the job I do. I am a loving, caring, artistic, logical, empathetic, individual who loves animals, the outdoors and life. I would not trade myself today for that person I was prior to getting sober for anything in the world. I hated that hollow feeling, the feeling of constantly having to be someone else, the feeling that if people really knew me they too wouldn't like me, the feeling that I was just an actress playing a role in this life, all of those lost and lonely feelings. Be assured you are not alone here at SR. You are also not alone in the world. Many people would be surprised to find the number of people who go through life feeling the same way. Don't be too hard on yourself. You can do this and I can guarantee that the person you find on the other side will be someone you can live with.

tay-lyn

Wow! Your post sounds like me so much. I was the same way. I LOVED to drink....or so I thought. I didn't drink and drive. But when I drank I was trouble looking to happen. I would hit on people........and so on. I lost things because of my drinking, but I was always able to replace what I had lost....friends...whatever. As long as I replaced what I lost, I could keep drinking. I ALWAYS blacked out. Took days to recouperate. Swore off the booze. Then it would start all over again.
Like it will for you.
I certainly don't mean to be abrupt, but it sounds like you know you have a problem. And when we have a problem that we don't take care of....it gets worse. And yours will likely get worse if you don't do something about it.
But the good news is you CAN do something about it. You can quit. You CAN. Is it hard? You betcha! But so is drinking. I decided to pick the lesser of two evils. Knowing sobriety was hard and knowing drinking was hard. I picked the one that caused the least grief to me, my life and others....of coarse that was sobriety. When sobriety gets tough and I think about drinking, I just think about how tough it would be to drink again, cause I KNOW FOR A FACT that I won't have just one or two....it will be a drunk...with all the things you mentioned happening.....again.
All you have to do to start sobriety...is don't drink today. That's it. It is that simple. If you can wake up each day, and try to accomplish that, you'll be so much better off. And your life will begin.
God...AA? Whatever works for you. If those don't work, then rely on your inner strength, the people here.... reach out for help and you'll get it.
I hope to see you around more!
Hugs Tay.

invisigirl

I tell you, the stories and encouragement I'm getting here are already making me feel stronger. My new motto is "Don't drink today". I get up and go to work every day, even when I don't want to. I cook dinner and do dishes and fold laundry every day, even when I don't want to. Surely I can keep myself from picking up that first drink, even though I may desperately want to, if I take it one day at a time.

I am so happy I found this place, and I appreciate the comments more than you know. Thank you all. Here's to day 4!

tay-lyn

I'm so glad you can find some encouragement here. I am only 51 days sober. And I get the urge to drink often. As I'm sure you know, simply 'not drinking' isn't as easy as it sounds. But that is all we have to accomplish to stay sober. Simple, but not. I have white-knuckled it a lot. I have been this close to picking up....and then didn't thank god! I have to honestly say that this site has been my lifeline. I am on here everyday. When I want to drink, I get online here and am honest about it. I get support immediately! This site is constant support whenever you need it. It will help you a lot if you let it. I'm glad to hear it is already helping. If you are overcome by your urge and slip......oh well. Come back! I'm by no means encouraging a slip or saying it is ok. It is just so important to keep trying and keep coming back here if you do. For three weeks before my 51 days, I was on here and swearing off the booze. I'd make it a week and slip. But I forced myself to come back here, be honest and start over. Most people go through the same thing way more than 3 times. Don't worry about counting days......although we all do! ...........the important thing is if you slip, you pick up your sobriety where you left off. Just cause you slip, doesn't mean you throw in the towel and don't come back.
I say these things about a slip simpy because FOR ME...I was an all or nothing gal. If I wanted to quit, and I slipped, that was it....I was done. But I had to change that. I had to keep coming back and keep trying. Maybe I've got it this time....maybe not. All I know is today I'm not going to drink.
Any amount of sober days you can rack up is better than none.
Tay.

353

Welcome invisigirl

That sounds alot like me. What I've found out through sobriety, it doesn't matter if everyone likes me, if I don't like me I'm doomed. Remember, this is a journey and it takes time to get where you want to be. I recommend some form of self-improvement. I work an AA program. The reason being, alcohol wasn't my problem, it was my solution. Whenever I felt something I drank, happy, sad, angry, depressed...etc. It didn't matter I drank. I needed a new solution, I found that in the fellowship of AA and working the 12 steps.

Good luck and Peace to you

Jules62

Hi there!

You sound so much like me when I first came here. *hugs* I was on the fence too-wasn't sure if I was 'THAT' bad but the reality was-I wouldn't have come here if I didn't know in the back of my mind that I had a problem.

I was absolutely terrified that if I stopped drinking I wouldn't be funny anymore, and that was a huge part of my life(I'm a comedian-despite this serious post-LOL)

I just want to tell you-the alcohol is not who you are.I thought it made me funny-but it was a lie.Right now you're feeling like a shell of yourself because of the withdrawal-if you ride it out you'll discover that all the qualities you had before are still there but it takes a while to get back to those when you're sober.

I really just want to encourage you.Stick around and read more.If I can do this(and believe me-it was a huge battle at first before I could accept I was an alcoholic-many relapses along the way) I believe anyone can.

I'm thinking of you,

Julesxox

hairgirl

My suggestion is to go to smartrecovery.com This site seems right up your alley.It looks at whether your drinking is an actual problem, by how it affects different parts of your life.Please give it a chance and see what you come up with.I will be interested in knowing the outcome.