Natom

I came in from work about an hour ago and my mum mentioned I keep saying my ex-fiances name in conversations. I haven't got over her. I think about her all the time. But mainly I think about all of the hurt that I caused her. I'm overwhelmed with guilt and shame whenever I see of hear her name. I know I need to make amends to her. And I know they should come later in my recovery but I feel that it is stopping me from moving on in my life. If we had met at a different time maybe things would have been different. I'll never know.

I just sent her a message on facebook apologising for everything I did to her. I would have preferred to have met for coffee but I know that isn't an option. But right now I am just racked with guilt, shame an apprehension. I needed to send the message. But now I am scared about receiving/not receiving an answer.

Natom.

doggonecarl

Was your motive amends? Or related to the fact that you still carry a torch for your ex-GF.

tehmazzyland

I recognised the feelings you expressed as very similar to my own about my last significant other. She will never ever be a part of my life again, even in a facebook message. I truly truly sympathise with you.

Please be careful not to let your guilt and shame (and maybe missing her?) overwhelm you. Those emotions are there, they are there for a reason. You can examine them, allow yourself to feel them - and then try and move a little further away from them. It won't be healthy to let them linger for too long, or become too strong.

Stay strong

Natom

I examined my motives. They're coming from the right place.

Natom.

tehmazzyland

That's good. Try not to let the guilt and shame overwhelm though.

MIRecovery

Have you talked to your sponsor. So much of what you are going through is 4th and 5th step stuff plus 8th and 9th.

Can not remember if you are an AAer

bigsombrero

I did the same thing last week. I beat myself up about the e-mail I sent. It felt so right at the time because I had so much to say and just NEEEEEEDEEEED to get it out to her. Of course, about a half hour later I regretted it so badly I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide in the corner. I got some support here, but honestly the best advice I got was "well, you sent it, now it's over. it's out of your hands now. maybe next time don't do that, but for now just take a chill pill and don't fret".

A week later, I haven't heard back from her, and that's okay. I feel better now too. So will you. What's done is done, and you can either let it bother you or let it roll off your back. Time will heal you.

Natom

I'm an NA'er so yeah I'm on Step 3. I take them slowly and thoroughly. I know making an amends is way ahead of where I am now. But it felt like I had to do it to just move on. I'm so busy focusing on the wreckage of the past.

Natom.

Coldfusion

Thanks for posting, Tom. A lot of people seem to be dealing with issues from their past, and I don't think it's out-of-line to do some step things out-of-order.

I'm working step 3 with my sponsor, but will stay for the business meeting after tonight's NA meeting to see about twelfth-step work. We usually don't have much of a choice about when we have to deal with things.

Dave42001

Sorry you're having a tough day, Natom.. You're only human!! Don't beat yourself up!! Move forward!!

Happier

I have no words of advice. Just wishing you well and peace as you work through these tough times.

I have truly enjoyed all our posts over the last few months and it seems like you are making great changes and moving in very positive directions. In the end, that is all any of us can do.

doggonecarl

Perhaps too busy focusing on the past...

Not a criticism, just a thought. For me, recovery was about moving forward.

MeetJohnDoe

With all due respect, it seems you are looking to her for affirmation of who you are now. Not good, IMHO. Fix yourself first. Get sober. And embrace the reality that she may never see you as the better person you have become. The hurt I caused my ex can never be undone, though we have made peace and are good friends now, but it's not like it was in the beginning. We live life forward. Focus on the future, what you can achieve. We can't re-write the past. There is a lot of self deception we play with ourselves trying to justify what we once did and who we think we have become. THat is for us. We can't expect those we hurt in the past to pretend it never happened, to share our re-interpretation of what was. My ex spent time in AA and said that making amends is not appropriate in all situations, especially when it will interrupt the forward progress of those we have hurt. We must think of more than ourselves, our narrow ego, our desire to be loved by someone we hurt terribly. Fix yourself first, get involved in your community, but to set as your life's aim to win back someone you hurt is a recipe for disaster. Part of life is learning to accept loss, especially the loss we created through our own bad judgment. We live and learn. Yet we can still love.

mecanix

Sometimes you're lucky and you get a butterfly to land on your hand , if you're calm and at peace it might stay around flapping it's wings .
To try and control, grasp or hold onto the butterfly destroys the very thing that gives us such wonder .
Sometimes the best thing is to let them fly free so you can see them swoop and soar as they fly away being beutiful . Maybe keep calm, still and in the light and you might get another one come to visit some day if you're lucky .

If it were me i'd try and give up the guilt , shame and apprehension as that's about you , and swap it for joy, gratitude and compassionate love for the person whom we may have wronged as that is about them and understand they might want to fly on free leaving us and the pain of the past behind them .

Stay strong , bestwishes, M

escapist

Expectations will get you everytime. I hope you sincerely do not have any. Talking from experience not a soapbox.

vegibean

Dearest Natom,

I believe you. I had a sponsor that told me to wait, and the person who I felt I really affected got pushed aside. I think I waited another month, said "F it" and called them, asked if I could email him, and he wrote back telling me basically "no worries, I'm glad you're doing good and I'm happy for you. I hadn't even noticed, we were just having fun..." I knew I was a hot mess at the time though and you know what? Him telling me "it's okay", helped, but even more so I got it off my chest and the relief was great.

It's never too early to say you're sorry. If you all have been NC for a while, I would maybe just shoot her an email (just sayin', think it's safer for now), and tell her what you said to us. You can't go wrong. I say go for it Natom. Good luck, I hope if anything you walk away feeling like you at least have a friend who supports your commitment.

quitforme79

When I was less than a month sober I sent a card to my ex boyfriend because like you, it was torturing me and I felt I needed to apologize right then before it impacted my recovery. He responded w an email and didn't even see what I had to be sorry about. Hah! He's an alcoholic too but active and lives in denial. Either way, I felt better just getting it out and felt I could move on. I think you are strong in recovery, know that you can trust yourself and should be proud you confronted this in a healthy way.

Natom

I've sent the message now. I don't regret sending it. As much as I have examined my motives I do still hold a flame for my ex partner. It just felt like I couldn't move on without saying anything. I don't really care if I get a reply or not. I just needed to say a few bits. I'm in pain. But I'm grateful that I have learnt to seperate my emotions and realise why I feel the way I do.

Natom.

MythOfSisyphus

I know how you feel, Natom. I check my email, afraid of getting a message from my ex and afraid of not getting one. My last serious GF and I broke up a ways back, I guess over 3 years ago. It wasn't really about booze but then everything is somewhat about booze when you're a drunk. I really thought she & I might get married someday. Ultimately it didn't work out. We did end up becoming good friends. She got married about a year ago, and I was happy for her. Then quite recently I got the email from her that she was pregnant. For some reason that sent me into a tail spin. Part of why we broke up (the biggest part) was that she could sense I didn't really want kids and she very much did. While I'm happy for her, it made if finally real for me- she has moved on and is getting everything she wanted out of life while I'm just...well, just still here and still me.

It was the closest I've come to chucking my sobriety and getting hammered. I actually posted about it a couple weeks ago. Luckily the feeling passed and this new reality settled in over me. Now I think I can move on from it. I don't have to worry about her anymore, she's in good hands. I can finally turn the page and get on with whatever the rest of my life holds for me.

Even without the added complications of recovery, romantic relationships can be a challenge. I'm not into AA, but one thing they say seems to apply to your situation: Hang on and wait for the miracle. The pain doesn't stop overnight but it's amazing when you finally do get to a point where you can bury the heartache and move on from it.

quitforme79

"The pain doesn't stop overnight but it's amazing when you finally do get to a point where you can bury the heartache and move on from it".

Well said mythofsis. I believe that everthing really happens for a reason...we just may not find out what that is right away. Life goes on and we DO feel better