Posting under the influence
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: England
Posts: 674
Posting under the influence
I know it's not a good idea, but here I am typing away anyway, I haven't been here for a few months now, so no idea who is still about that remembers me, but kinda felt the need to come here and type :/
Obviously I have not been doing so well given the title of this thread, but equally, I still have enough marbles about me that I realise that I do have a problem or I wouldn't think of coming here :/
Thats the thing though, I only have a problem with drinking when I start, I think I am a borderline alcoholic, lol i can see you all now, nodding away, waving denial banners at me
It's hard though, telling yourself your an alcoholic when you can go days without, it's so hard trying to convince that stupid voice you are when the other voice says you can't be!
The trouble is, I used to drink way more than I do now, things I read before on here, things that happen to other people, I did them all, I just did them 10 years ago. I have some resembelence of normaility in my life now and nothing bad happens when I drink, which kinda gives the voice power.
It's like, well you can control it now, you know when to stop before the black out, you know to stop or x y or z will happen, and while that is true and I do contoll it to an extent, as in, I can't remember the last time I drank to blackout, I don't enjoy drinking either. I just like the point I am at now, which is when I feel normal, and I never ever feel like this sober, and I can't imagine that I ever will.
This is my problem it's like I am stuck in limbo, I just want to feel normal
All drinking does for me at the moment is make me feel normal for a few hours. Then I go days without, waiting to feel normal and becasue it dosn't happen I drink again, I don't even get drunk, probablly because I lost that ability 10 years ago, all it does is make me feel human again for a few hours.
I am not suicidal, but I can reallly apprectiate recently how people can get that way. It's like I am stuck in the middle here, I am not happy drinking and I am not happy not drinking, but neither way effects me obversly, it's like I am stuck on the road in the middle of knowwhere and waiting for something to happen and nothing does.
I probally make no sense, or maybe I do, isn't there a saying like "nobody understands a drunk like another drunk" or maybe I made that up? :/
(If you read this H, before I email you don't be upset, I just felt the need to write here, I promise I will mail you soon)
Obviously I have not been doing so well given the title of this thread, but equally, I still have enough marbles about me that I realise that I do have a problem or I wouldn't think of coming here :/
Thats the thing though, I only have a problem with drinking when I start, I think I am a borderline alcoholic, lol i can see you all now, nodding away, waving denial banners at me
It's hard though, telling yourself your an alcoholic when you can go days without, it's so hard trying to convince that stupid voice you are when the other voice says you can't be!
The trouble is, I used to drink way more than I do now, things I read before on here, things that happen to other people, I did them all, I just did them 10 years ago. I have some resembelence of normaility in my life now and nothing bad happens when I drink, which kinda gives the voice power.
It's like, well you can control it now, you know when to stop before the black out, you know to stop or x y or z will happen, and while that is true and I do contoll it to an extent, as in, I can't remember the last time I drank to blackout, I don't enjoy drinking either. I just like the point I am at now, which is when I feel normal, and I never ever feel like this sober, and I can't imagine that I ever will.
This is my problem it's like I am stuck in limbo, I just want to feel normal
All drinking does for me at the moment is make me feel normal for a few hours. Then I go days without, waiting to feel normal and becasue it dosn't happen I drink again, I don't even get drunk, probablly because I lost that ability 10 years ago, all it does is make me feel human again for a few hours. I am not suicidal, but I can reallly apprectiate recently how people can get that way. It's like I am stuck in the middle here, I am not happy drinking and I am not happy not drinking, but neither way effects me obversly, it's like I am stuck on the road in the middle of knowwhere and waiting for something to happen and nothing does.
I probally make no sense, or maybe I do, isn't there a saying like "nobody understands a drunk like another drunk" or maybe I made that up? :/
(If you read this H, before I email you don't be upset, I just felt the need to write here, I promise I will mail you soon)
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by Saxony 
I am a borderline alcoholic
We still have a problem when alcohol is put into our system. At this moment in time, we just don't do it every single night of the week BUT given enough time, we will catch up to the real alcoholics I am sure.
Being an alcoholic has nothing to do with when, how, where, or who we drink with. It has to do with what happens to our system when alcohol is added.
For me that means add alcohol and it takes away my controls. One night a year or every night of the week...it still kills my controls.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Hi Saxony,
I can relate to the wanting to feel normal, whatever that is. I always felt like I didn't fit in and was uncomfortable in many social situations and often anxious and depressed. At one point, in desparation, I turned to alcohol. For a brief while, very brief, it helped and then it quickly took control of me. When I finally freed myself of it, I had to learn to cope on my own. I still am not always comfortable in social situations. I still get anxious and depressed sometimes. I had to come to terms with that. What is normal? This is normal for me and it's okay.
My only advice is that, if alcohol is causing you problems in your life, you should stop it. Have you stopped drinking for a period of time and given yourself a chance to adjust? I hope you keep coming here Saxony and looking for answers.
I can relate to the wanting to feel normal, whatever that is. I always felt like I didn't fit in and was uncomfortable in many social situations and often anxious and depressed. At one point, in desparation, I turned to alcohol. For a brief while, very brief, it helped and then it quickly took control of me. When I finally freed myself of it, I had to learn to cope on my own. I still am not always comfortable in social situations. I still get anxious and depressed sometimes. I had to come to terms with that. What is normal? This is normal for me and it's okay.
My only advice is that, if alcohol is causing you problems in your life, you should stop it. Have you stopped drinking for a period of time and given yourself a chance to adjust? I hope you keep coming here Saxony and looking for answers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: England
Posts: 674
Having just re-read my own post, I don't need any replies, you have all been there I am sure.
Sax
Oh my, that sounds nasty, it's not meant to, it's so hard to type your feelings x
Sax
Oh my, that sounds nasty, it's not meant to, it's so hard to type your feelings x
Last edited by Room1; 03-12-2008 at 05:44 PM. Reason: I sounded rude
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Hey Sax
never wonder if people remember you - we all do.
I remember limbo - didn't want to drink, didn't not want to - only time I felt ok was when I was drunk. And what the hell, I was much better than I used to be, much better than my mates...
Trouble was for me, I eventually stopped feeling ok even when I was drunk, and that's something no one should go through.
Still I was too scared to give up drinking...I wasted 5 years that way...ended up drinking all day everyday just to try and not go mad. I can't describe the desolation. I'm amazed I'm still here and relatively whole.
You might be different, you may not be.
But limbo's no life for anyone, especially not someone with a young daughter.
You're scared - I get that - I won't lie - it's really tough living sober in the beginning and it can be that way for a while - but you owe it to yourself and miss Sax to keep trying...
living where drinking makes you feel normal must be telling you there's something wrong - you wouldn't be here if you liked your life.
We're all here to help when you want to drop the crutches and take the first step.
D
never wonder if people remember you - we all do.
I remember limbo - didn't want to drink, didn't not want to - only time I felt ok was when I was drunk. And what the hell, I was much better than I used to be, much better than my mates...
Trouble was for me, I eventually stopped feeling ok even when I was drunk, and that's something no one should go through.
Still I was too scared to give up drinking...I wasted 5 years that way...ended up drinking all day everyday just to try and not go mad. I can't describe the desolation. I'm amazed I'm still here and relatively whole.
You might be different, you may not be.
But limbo's no life for anyone, especially not someone with a young daughter.
You're scared - I get that - I won't lie - it's really tough living sober in the beginning and it can be that way for a while - but you owe it to yourself and miss Sax to keep trying...
living where drinking makes you feel normal must be telling you there's something wrong - you wouldn't be here if you liked your life.
We're all here to help when you want to drop the crutches and take the first step.
D
problem with authority
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 870
I recall being at that "jumping off point" described in the Big Book...where you can't imagine life with or without alcohol. (That is not the same as being suicidal, I think.) Funny thing is, I found I can be there drinking or in sobriety.
What I have discovered in recovery, though, is an ability to walk through feelings of uncomfortability and fear and an opportunity to grow through adversity. (Those kinds of things sounded so trite and tiresome to me six months ago, but having been through it a few times now in sobriety, they no longer sound trite but rather true as anything I've ever known.)
I also spent a great deal of time (five years) knowing I was an alcoholic but not wanting to / not thinking I COULD do anything about it. I was beyond help. The person who became my first sponsor suggested six months ago that I go with him to a meeting. I laughed in his face.
After getting arrested a week later, I chose the expensive way...rehab. I don't know if I could have made it through any other way, but that's what I did, so I will never know. What rehab did for me was take me out of my life for awhile and provide an external structure that I never had because I was so self-sufficient.
Today I participate in the structure of AA and am working the steps under the guidance of a sponsor. I just celebrated six months and picked up two service commitments, including being treasurer of one group and chairing another. I also go on outgoing trips with groups when I can to rehabs and prisons. I have a sober network of people I call and go out with. I pray every morning and every night, and I read from the BB or other spiritual/recovery literature every day.
I remember very well being in that prison you describe. I can't guarantee that I will never be back there, but if I do the things today that are slowly becoming habit, there's a very good chance that I won't have to go back there until tomorrow.
What I have discovered in recovery, though, is an ability to walk through feelings of uncomfortability and fear and an opportunity to grow through adversity. (Those kinds of things sounded so trite and tiresome to me six months ago, but having been through it a few times now in sobriety, they no longer sound trite but rather true as anything I've ever known.)
I also spent a great deal of time (five years) knowing I was an alcoholic but not wanting to / not thinking I COULD do anything about it. I was beyond help. The person who became my first sponsor suggested six months ago that I go with him to a meeting. I laughed in his face.
After getting arrested a week later, I chose the expensive way...rehab. I don't know if I could have made it through any other way, but that's what I did, so I will never know. What rehab did for me was take me out of my life for awhile and provide an external structure that I never had because I was so self-sufficient.
Today I participate in the structure of AA and am working the steps under the guidance of a sponsor. I just celebrated six months and picked up two service commitments, including being treasurer of one group and chairing another. I also go on outgoing trips with groups when I can to rehabs and prisons. I have a sober network of people I call and go out with. I pray every morning and every night, and I read from the BB or other spiritual/recovery literature every day.
I remember very well being in that prison you describe. I can't guarantee that I will never be back there, but if I do the things today that are slowly becoming habit, there's a very good chance that I won't have to go back there until tomorrow.
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