New In Need Of Some Support
 

Hello,

My name is John and I need someone to talk to other than my parents, I think I am dragging them down and they are too old to have to worry about my life falling apart. I talk to my sponsor and he has good advice but I still feel need for more help.

I am newly sober (37 days) have been going to AA every day and trying to continue on with my life as per normal. My biggest problem/threat to my sobriety is my wife of 22 years is divorcing me. We dated for 3 years before marrying, so we have been together for 25 years. In a nut shell, my drinking is part of her reason but her main stated reason is she hasn't loved me for five years. I want desperately for her give me a chance to rebuild our relationship now that I am sober and she refuses, it's over, that's it. She already had a disollution proposal drafted up when she finally got around to telling me. It was delivered to my lawyer yesterday.

I had a suicide attempt last week which didn't help matters and I ended up in a pysch ward until they were sure I wouldn't harm myself or others. The thought of my kids kept me from going through with it if anyone is wondering.

So here I am, 45 years old, sober for the first time in about 7 years and my life is completely falling apart. I still love my wife and I know the only way I can show it is to let her go. I realize that life is not about my will, but it hurts so bad. I know it is about God and his will and about me moving on and helping others but I just can't shake the feeling that if I'm good enough she just may come back to me.

There was never any abuse verbal or physical, both my daughters are straight A students and I was a functioning alcoholic, highly successful and never missed a day of work. I let my wife do whatever she wanted and whenever she wanted, in fact my parents chide me about how nothing in my marriage is ever about me.

Well that's it, I know I need to let her go and yet I keep hoping now that some day I will get her back which is also wrong and not good for my recovery I think.

I really am anxious to hear what other people think about my situation and thank God I am staying Sober through all of this.

Love,

John

John - You are doing such a good job with such a difficult situation. I know you know this but the main thing you need to focus on is staying sober and staying alive. My therapist, when I asked what I was suppossed to be doing, one time said, "Breath. You are suppossed to keep taking air in and letting air out." Make that your mission. And pray pray pray. You know this stuff. You told us yourself in your post. Let your wife go. Divorce is so painful. So breath through it and let her go. I'm sorry you're in pain. But do not let the pain of her leaving eclipse the work of staying sober and staying alive. I am rooting for you and I have a feeling you can do this. Breath. Pray.

Please focus on your needs at the moment and your recovery, it's vital for your peace of mind. I wish you well John and I'm sorry that you've found yourself in this situation.

John..I dont have alot to offer with the relationship situation. All I can say is just keep doing what you are doing in your recovery.
Great job on 37 days. That is fantastic!
Stay the course and all will follow.

John just a couple of quick things, at this point in the game the most important thing is your sobriety, only you control that. Unless you stay sober anything you hope for at this point in the game is gone!

Right now you need to focus on getting to meetings, staying in touch with your sponsor, working the steps with your sponsor, get some service positions, pray, meditate.

Turn it over, all of it, you have absolutely no control over your wifes feelings for you, the only control you have which may or may not lead to the 2 of you working things out is staying sober and working the steps. You need to accept though that the 2 of you may never get back together.

Hi John,

Welcome and congratulations on your sobriety.

I think you should allow yourself to feel the emotions you are feeling and then try to let them go. You are grieving over the loss of a 25 year relationship and grieving is a healthy process. Of course, it's a huge loss to you. It sounds like you know, logically, that this divorce is going to happen and that you cannot change that. I think if you just allow yourself a little time, you will accept it and be able to move on.

Be kind to yourself and I hope you keep reading and posting.

I would like to say thank you to all that have responded to me so far. I found everyone to be very helpful. Thanks again, John.

"The best explanation of recovery is the silence of doing the next right thing."

22

Nothing to add to the replies above. I've been in a similar situation, with divorce impeding on my recovery. It took a long time, but I eventually relapsed. But I'm back and I'm here, and I have a new love and a new life and new things to lose.

I think there is no better "mantra" right now than the Serenity Prayer. We can never control others. It's actually better that way. I would not ever wish to be part of a one way relationship. Where my "control" was the only glue. I would surely abuse alcohol then. My joy, in my relationship, is that M'lady is with me because she WANTS to be with me, not that she HAS to be with me. And I really respect my ex for having the courage to do what, in the end, aided me immensely.

Get help 22, your situation and recent behavior indicate that things may be beyond your capacity to face them alone right now. That's not being weak, that's being human. Get thee to a doctor. Fast.

warrens

warrens

If she is not in love with any longer-you have to let her go. It is going to be hard. But staying sober is more important. So you divorced and stay sober who not to say you can work on something in the future.