Not feeling to good.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Not feeling to good.
Here we go with the stupid dreams again. I know the deal already.So why do I keep ranting about the effects of early recovery?
Because if I dont. I will go crazy. I may just act on these impulses.
So why keep slipping and putting myself through the BS over and over?
Good question.
I guess because I am an addict that hasnt fully gotten it yet. But I am working on it.
I cant sleep. I want to take a pill or drink or smoke weed. Anything except crack.
I know. Can't replace one with another and think all is going to be well. That would be stupid.
I dont know why I feel like this. Why I would even want to alter my mind in anyway. Whether it be with my demon or a less destructive drug. Less destructive for me but still destructive.
It's all the same really. Spending money. Maybe not as much as with my DOC. Still same behaviors regardless.
I need to learn how to just be.
No stress really. Things are going pretty good considering I screwed up last weekend.
Too good seems like. I always think the worst to happen when I stray from the good path.
I am a big Karma believer. Just like Earl. My name is Trish.
I am smoking cigarettes like crazy. Wont have any after tomorrow morning I know and no cash to get anymore. Not looking forward to that. Seems to be the only thing holding my sanity in place.
I need a job. I have an interview Wed. Possibly another Sunday.
Bills are piling again because of putting all my money on the down payment for the car. Used electric money to add to down payment. Cable Phone and internet will soon be coming in. I dont want to lose that again. I just got it back. Car insurance is late. Got a credit bill thats late. And now a car payment too. But need the car to work.
It is all so overwhelming.
Life on life's terms. So double standard sometimes.
I am just babbling.
Just need to rant and think things out loud sometimes.
Thanks for letting me.
Because if I dont. I will go crazy. I may just act on these impulses.
So why keep slipping and putting myself through the BS over and over?
Good question.
I guess because I am an addict that hasnt fully gotten it yet. But I am working on it.
I cant sleep. I want to take a pill or drink or smoke weed. Anything except crack.
I know. Can't replace one with another and think all is going to be well. That would be stupid.
I dont know why I feel like this. Why I would even want to alter my mind in anyway. Whether it be with my demon or a less destructive drug. Less destructive for me but still destructive.
It's all the same really. Spending money. Maybe not as much as with my DOC. Still same behaviors regardless.
I need to learn how to just be.
No stress really. Things are going pretty good considering I screwed up last weekend.
Too good seems like. I always think the worst to happen when I stray from the good path.
I am a big Karma believer. Just like Earl. My name is Trish.
I am smoking cigarettes like crazy. Wont have any after tomorrow morning I know and no cash to get anymore. Not looking forward to that. Seems to be the only thing holding my sanity in place.
I need a job. I have an interview Wed. Possibly another Sunday.
Bills are piling again because of putting all my money on the down payment for the car. Used electric money to add to down payment. Cable Phone and internet will soon be coming in. I dont want to lose that again. I just got it back. Car insurance is late. Got a credit bill thats late. And now a car payment too. But need the car to work.
It is all so overwhelming.
Life on life's terms. So double standard sometimes.
I am just babbling.
Just need to rant and think things out loud sometimes.
Thanks for letting me.
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
((Chi)) Rant as much as you need, get it of your system. Yes, slipping sucked, but that's over and done with. The important bit is that you keep trying, holding on to life. Sometimes life can seem like a pile of unpaid bills, but you know that it's more than that. And you know the direction you want and are headed for; even if the road winds like crazy, you are on your way.
:ghug3
Matt
:ghug3
Matt
Last edited by Mattcake; 03-10-2008 at 10:26 PM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Mobile AL
Posts: 101
Hang in there Chi....and just because I'm on business, doesn't mean I won't be checking in. Made it safe to North Carolina. I'll be checking in on you. You are in my thoughts, Miss NY!
Try to get some sleep.
:ghug3
Try to get some sleep.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Mobile AL
Posts: 101
Hug from a former NYer to a Dixie chick! :)
Hang in there Chi....and just because I'm on business, doesn't mean I won't be checking in. Made it safe to North Carolina. I'll be checking in on you. You are in my thoughts, Miss NY!
Try to get some sleep.
:ghug3
Try to get some sleep.
:ghug3
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Thanks guys. I'll be ok. I just gotta unload the brain sometimes.
I just worry alot for no reason sometimes. I know all will fall into place as long as I do my part.
And if it doesnt. I am alive and sober. Got my Leopard hatin grams. LOL.
Matt you rock..TY.
Glad you got there safe Orv.
I love NC. I lived in Greensboro for like 8 years.
Well. Gonna poke around a little and try the sleep thing again.
I just worry alot for no reason sometimes. I know all will fall into place as long as I do my part.
And if it doesnt. I am alive and sober. Got my Leopard hatin grams. LOL.
Matt you rock..TY.
Glad you got there safe Orv.
I love NC. I lived in Greensboro for like 8 years.
Well. Gonna poke around a little and try the sleep thing again.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Trish,
Finances have always been a huge stressor for me too. When you start to worry bout things, start praying..not to win the lotto lol, but to be able to continue to do the next right thing and hand it up to your HP. I know that He's got me right in His pocket..
Finances have always been a huge stressor for me too. When you start to worry bout things, start praying..not to win the lotto lol, but to be able to continue to do the next right thing and hand it up to your HP. I know that He's got me right in His pocket..
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Hang in there Trish, call some folks in your network, heck I bet your sponsor would like to hear from you. Beleive it or not people do not give you thier numbers hoping you will not call, they are hoping you will!!!! Guess what, you are helping them stay clean and sober by calling them!!! Making phone calls to others in recovery makes you part of the solution!
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
HMM..A useful dream finally.
Forgot I had paraphanalia in my top drawer. Had a dream about throwing them away. In my dream they were in the open for all to see and I threw them away and soon as I did the actual location popped up in my dream and I had to throw them away again.
Funny how things work sometimes.
Forgot I had paraphanalia in my top drawer. Had a dream about throwing them away. In my dream they were in the open for all to see and I threw them away and soon as I did the actual location popped up in my dream and I had to throw them away again.
Funny how things work sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 12
Xoxoxoxoxox
Chi baby- Sorry I didn't get back online after my hamburger helper preparation - fell asleep before i even ate. I think it is great that you can express yourself - I have heard that writing out your feelings helps. As I told you I feel a bond with you and I feel we can both recover! I will check chat room periodically and see if you are there. Pebbles XOXOXO
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Hi Trish
Come here girl, let me give you a hug.:ghug3
Now, am I gonna have to go to Greyhound and leave the driving to them so I can come to NY, look you in the eye and maybe, just maybe you'll listen when I tell you to quit beating yourself up over your Relapse?
I think the reason you are so overwhelmed is because of guilt and shame and you don't think you deserve any peace of mind right now. Before I surrendered on July 25, 2005, I would have some time clean and then go back out. The next day, when I had either a narcotic hangover or alcohol hangover, I would feel like I was a worthless piece of s***. I'd tell myself that I blew it, once again, that I'll never be able to stay clean for very long so I might as well just get high and drunk and say screw it. It was gonna happen anyway. How do you think I got the nickname the Queen of Relapse from the nurses at the detox unit at the hospital I'd been to so many times. This keeping kept me sick for sooooo many years.
Chiy, I had to break things down, just like One Day at a Time, one thing at a time. Ok, you have some bills. Is worrying & stressing yourself gonna get these bills paid? My Higher Power never sits in his recliner on the mountain top next to the waterfall (my version of My HP and Heaven here on earth) with one of those little clickers the umpires carry to count pitches, and counts my worrying time that I put in so when I worry just enough, the problem is solved. So what do I do? I make my list of priorities and work on them, ONE AT A TIME!
car payment: Use any money you can manage to scrap together to pay this. You know us dope phenes, we can scrap money together if need be. You're on the right track when you said you need the car to get a job and to get to work. Also, I know you just started meetings. Did you ever stop to think that maybe God made it possible for you to get the car, knowing that you needed to get to meetings? And I know when I am overwhelmed with my problems, I need to get out of self. You were in the situation until very recently where you didn't have a ride to meetings. Listen at the next meeting you go to. I'm sure you will hear someone needs a ride. Who knows, you may find someone who lives pretty close to you that can help with gas if you can pick them up for meetings.
Peace
Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems or even our own fears. In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic. We think: If I really care, I’ll worry: if this is really important to me, I must stay upset. We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.
Our best problem-solving resource is peace. Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state. Often, fear and anxiety block solutions. Anxiety gives power to the problem, not the solution. It does not help to harbor turmoil. It does not help.
Peace is available if we choose it. In spite of chaos and unsolved problems around us, all is well. Things will work out. We can surround ourselves with the resources of the Universe: water, earth, a sunset, a prayer, a friend. We can relax and let ourselves feel peace.
Today, I will let go of my need to stay in turmoil. I will cultivate peace and trust that timely solutions and goodness will arise naturally and harmoniously out of the wellspring of peace. I will consciously let go and let God.
From The Language of Letting Go
Melody Beattie
March 6, 2008
Well,whadda ya know, I think I did it!
I Love Ya Chiy, It will all work out.
Good Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Judy
Come here girl, let me give you a hug.:ghug3
Now, am I gonna have to go to Greyhound and leave the driving to them so I can come to NY, look you in the eye and maybe, just maybe you'll listen when I tell you to quit beating yourself up over your Relapse?
I think the reason you are so overwhelmed is because of guilt and shame and you don't think you deserve any peace of mind right now. Before I surrendered on July 25, 2005, I would have some time clean and then go back out. The next day, when I had either a narcotic hangover or alcohol hangover, I would feel like I was a worthless piece of s***. I'd tell myself that I blew it, once again, that I'll never be able to stay clean for very long so I might as well just get high and drunk and say screw it. It was gonna happen anyway. How do you think I got the nickname the Queen of Relapse from the nurses at the detox unit at the hospital I'd been to so many times. This keeping kept me sick for sooooo many years.
Chiy, I had to break things down, just like One Day at a Time, one thing at a time. Ok, you have some bills. Is worrying & stressing yourself gonna get these bills paid? My Higher Power never sits in his recliner on the mountain top next to the waterfall (my version of My HP and Heaven here on earth) with one of those little clickers the umpires carry to count pitches, and counts my worrying time that I put in so when I worry just enough, the problem is solved. So what do I do? I make my list of priorities and work on them, ONE AT A TIME!
car payment: Use any money you can manage to scrap together to pay this. You know us dope phenes, we can scrap money together if need be. You're on the right track when you said you need the car to get a job and to get to work. Also, I know you just started meetings. Did you ever stop to think that maybe God made it possible for you to get the car, knowing that you needed to get to meetings? And I know when I am overwhelmed with my problems, I need to get out of self. You were in the situation until very recently where you didn't have a ride to meetings. Listen at the next meeting you go to. I'm sure you will hear someone needs a ride. Who knows, you may find someone who lives pretty close to you that can help with gas if you can pick them up for meetings.
Your other bills: Prioritize them. Do you need cable to survive? Yeah, you stated that you just got that back, but maybe that's something you'll have to put on the back burner for now. I know you want to keep the internet as long as possible since SR is such a big part of your Recovery Program.This is where the car, job, paycheck (in that order) come into play.
You live with your Gram, right? Find the gratitude that your Gram more than likely isn't going to throw you out in the street. I know from your postings that your Grandma is your rock and how dearly you love her. There is a huge amt. of things to be grateful for: a roof over your head to keep you safe, warm and dry, food on the table so you don't go hungry, water to keep yourself clean . . . . This is a gratitude list that many of us take for granted. We'd be shocked if we knew just how many addicts/alcoholics are out there trying to find a place to lay their head at night and to be able to put something to eat in their stomach at least today, if not tomorrow.
Hon, get back to the basics in your Program. Slow down, take it One Day at a Time and one problem/issue at a time. Your going to get no where but back out there by stressing yourself so much.
I'd like to share the reading from the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie for March 6. Gonna try to do some cutting and pasting here.
You live with your Gram, right? Find the gratitude that your Gram more than likely isn't going to throw you out in the street. I know from your postings that your Grandma is your rock and how dearly you love her. There is a huge amt. of things to be grateful for: a roof over your head to keep you safe, warm and dry, food on the table so you don't go hungry, water to keep yourself clean . . . . This is a gratitude list that many of us take for granted. We'd be shocked if we knew just how many addicts/alcoholics are out there trying to find a place to lay their head at night and to be able to put something to eat in their stomach at least today, if not tomorrow.
Hon, get back to the basics in your Program. Slow down, take it One Day at a Time and one problem/issue at a time. Your going to get no where but back out there by stressing yourself so much.
I'd like to share the reading from the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie for March 6. Gonna try to do some cutting and pasting here.
Peace
Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems or even our own fears. In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic. We think: If I really care, I’ll worry: if this is really important to me, I must stay upset. We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.
Our best problem-solving resource is peace. Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state. Often, fear and anxiety block solutions. Anxiety gives power to the problem, not the solution. It does not help to harbor turmoil. It does not help.
Peace is available if we choose it. In spite of chaos and unsolved problems around us, all is well. Things will work out. We can surround ourselves with the resources of the Universe: water, earth, a sunset, a prayer, a friend. We can relax and let ourselves feel peace.
Today, I will let go of my need to stay in turmoil. I will cultivate peace and trust that timely solutions and goodness will arise naturally and harmoniously out of the wellspring of peace. I will consciously let go and let God.
From The Language of Letting Go
Melody Beattie
March 6, 2008
Well,whadda ya know, I think I did it!
I Love Ya Chiy, It will all work out.
Good Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish))))
I am a strong believer in the karma thing, too, and always worried that when things were going good....it was only a matter of time before something bad happened because I'd screwed up so much.
Now, I realize that most of the time, the bad never comes. Maybe we get good karma because we're working at recovery. Don't know if that helps you, but after a few times of something good happening to me, without "the other shoe dropping" it's the only thing that makes sense to me.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am a strong believer in the karma thing, too, and always worried that when things were going good....it was only a matter of time before something bad happened because I'd screwed up so much.
Now, I realize that most of the time, the bad never comes. Maybe we get good karma because we're working at recovery. Don't know if that helps you, but after a few times of something good happening to me, without "the other shoe dropping" it's the only thing that makes sense to me.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Chi -
I've watched you struggle since the very beginning. I want you to know you've been in my prayers, I've worried about you, I"ve knowcked my coffee over with the big 'yeah!' on those werekends you 'got it' ... hon I so pray for ya. Of this grey headed ol gal in montana is this into your journey ... wonder how many lurkers are, too?
Your words reach so many .. you'll never know.
Chi - your honesty ... is your greatest strength. Hang onto that. Keep it close.
"big hug"
barb
I've watched you struggle since the very beginning. I want you to know you've been in my prayers, I've worried about you, I"ve knowcked my coffee over with the big 'yeah!' on those werekends you 'got it' ... hon I so pray for ya. Of this grey headed ol gal in montana is this into your journey ... wonder how many lurkers are, too?
Your words reach so many .. you'll never know.
Chi - your honesty ... is your greatest strength. Hang onto that. Keep it close.
"big hug"
barb
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I am just down right sick to my stomach today. Had an interview I thought was promising. It wasnt. Everyone is only offering PT. Get 2 PT jobs. I already thought of that. I still have a couple more interviews for next week. But time is ticking. I freakin hated that last job and am not sorry in the least about not showing up when I relapsed. But I should have at least made an effort to keep it until I found something better. I didnt have a car then and definately would be in trouble now. So it's not as bad as it could be.
I just got a notice in the mail about a ticket I didnt pay last year. I have to give them $300 by April 6th. On top of a car payment..late insurance..late credit..3 mos behind electric bill..cable..phone..internet that I just got back. I feel like I am going to be sick. My heart is pounding out of my chest and I am breathing heavy. Now I am even trembling. I want to cry. I cant calm down and I am getting aggravated at every little thing. I am trying so hard to let it go. But I cant. I dont want to get high. Thats for dam sure. Thats the reason I am in this mess to begin with.
I want to stop shaking and my head is pounding.
Do you know how many times I just had to hit the backspace button because I am shaking so bad and hitting keys multiple times.
My Dr isnt helping me any. He thinks because I am addict I should suffer. Or at least thats what I am hearing. Maybe the message is different. I dont know.
He says I always run to drugs when things go wrong. I know he is right to a point. I am a freakin nervous wreck right now.
I juts dont know how to calm down naturally right now.
I just got a notice in the mail about a ticket I didnt pay last year. I have to give them $300 by April 6th. On top of a car payment..late insurance..late credit..3 mos behind electric bill..cable..phone..internet that I just got back. I feel like I am going to be sick. My heart is pounding out of my chest and I am breathing heavy. Now I am even trembling. I want to cry. I cant calm down and I am getting aggravated at every little thing. I am trying so hard to let it go. But I cant. I dont want to get high. Thats for dam sure. Thats the reason I am in this mess to begin with.
I want to stop shaking and my head is pounding.
Do you know how many times I just had to hit the backspace button because I am shaking so bad and hitting keys multiple times.
My Dr isnt helping me any. He thinks because I am addict I should suffer. Or at least thats what I am hearing. Maybe the message is different. I dont know.
He says I always run to drugs when things go wrong. I know he is right to a point. I am a freakin nervous wreck right now.
I juts dont know how to calm down naturally right now.
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,789
Trish hope your feeling better, if not then remember to breathe slowly and deeply. Phoe the companies you owe money to and make arrangements with them, don't leave it until they next contact you.
Life still goes on in recovery and we have to use the program or support we have to get through.
Kevin
Life still goes on in recovery and we have to use the program or support we have to get through.
Kevin
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