Introducing myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Never Never land
Posts: 11
Introducing myself
Hi I'm new. Duh. I did a lot of reading in the friends and family section and have recommended it to a couple of my friends who's spouses have alcohol problems.
There was never a time that I did not know or could pretend I didn't know that my husband was an alcoholic. It was obvious and aparent from the beginning. I'll try to keep this short but I tend to get diarrhea of the mouth or keyboard, depending.
He was a sweet, funny guy who worshipped my daughter and I and we wanted for nothing. Until he went to prison for two years on a dwi. We lost everything and have moved half way across the country in search of a fresh start.
More like a fresh hell. He's been out for two years and has become an angry bitter man. In the last six months he has had at least three hard alcohol binges (he usually sticks to beer) and two of them became extremely violent. My daughter is now fifteen and moved out of the house after the last incident, a little over a week ago. She is coming over to visit tonight and I am nervous. I know we can't go on like this. She won't come back to me until I move out and I know as crazy as that sounds I am not sure I am ready. He promised to go back to AA and I want to give him a shot but I don't want my daughter to have to see what she did ever again. I have to go pick her up. Thanks for listening.
There was never a time that I did not know or could pretend I didn't know that my husband was an alcoholic. It was obvious and aparent from the beginning. I'll try to keep this short but I tend to get diarrhea of the mouth or keyboard, depending.
He was a sweet, funny guy who worshipped my daughter and I and we wanted for nothing. Until he went to prison for two years on a dwi. We lost everything and have moved half way across the country in search of a fresh start.
More like a fresh hell. He's been out for two years and has become an angry bitter man. In the last six months he has had at least three hard alcohol binges (he usually sticks to beer) and two of them became extremely violent. My daughter is now fifteen and moved out of the house after the last incident, a little over a week ago. She is coming over to visit tonight and I am nervous. I know we can't go on like this. She won't come back to me until I move out and I know as crazy as that sounds I am not sure I am ready. He promised to go back to AA and I want to give him a shot but I don't want my daughter to have to see what she did ever again. I have to go pick her up. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi and welcome to our recovery community.
I am a recovering alcoholic and pill addict. I haven't seen my 15 year old daughter in over 3 years because I chose pills and a relationship over her. I hope you make different choices.
I am a recovering alcoholic and pill addict. I haven't seen my 15 year old daughter in over 3 years because I chose pills and a relationship over her. I hope you make different choices.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Welcome WeeTwo
You decided to post to the "newcomers" forum. I'm not suggesting it is the wrong place (it isn't), but be aware that most of us here are folks struggling with addiction and recovery from addiction.
Two years for a DWI? Must be more to it than simply (not that driving drunk is simple) driving drunk.
I agree with Anna. Take care of yourself and your daughter first.
Beyond that, the information you have given is pretty scanty. As in what motivation you might possibly have to stay in this relationship. Don't get me wrong, there may be plenty of valid reasons to do so, but you haven't indicated what they might be.
I cannot imagine a week in "prison," much less two years. I sure know it would do something to me. My imagination suggest that it would probably kill me, if not physically, spiritually. Perhaps I'm wrong. Did he Kill/injure someone? That would kill me too.
You say he's "promised" to go to AA. Does he want to?
I am in recovery for but a short time. I am very resolute. But it is for me. Not for my dear, dear loved ones. I cannot quit for them. It leaves too many excuses for relapse.
I hope you continue to post and share your "story" here.
But, from what you have indicated, your daughter may have made a very wise and mature decision. To take care of her physical and emotional safety. If her life has become that unmanageable due to your husband's addiction, I think it priority #1, as Ann says.
Peace to you,
warrens
You decided to post to the "newcomers" forum. I'm not suggesting it is the wrong place (it isn't), but be aware that most of us here are folks struggling with addiction and recovery from addiction.
Two years for a DWI? Must be more to it than simply (not that driving drunk is simple) driving drunk.
I agree with Anna. Take care of yourself and your daughter first.
Beyond that, the information you have given is pretty scanty. As in what motivation you might possibly have to stay in this relationship. Don't get me wrong, there may be plenty of valid reasons to do so, but you haven't indicated what they might be.
I cannot imagine a week in "prison," much less two years. I sure know it would do something to me. My imagination suggest that it would probably kill me, if not physically, spiritually. Perhaps I'm wrong. Did he Kill/injure someone? That would kill me too.
You say he's "promised" to go to AA. Does he want to?
I am in recovery for but a short time. I am very resolute. But it is for me. Not for my dear, dear loved ones. I cannot quit for them. It leaves too many excuses for relapse.
I hope you continue to post and share your "story" here.
But, from what you have indicated, your daughter may have made a very wise and mature decision. To take care of her physical and emotional safety. If her life has become that unmanageable due to your husband's addiction, I think it priority #1, as Ann says.
Peace to you,
warrens
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New Whiteland IN
Posts: 41
I'll say it; Lot's of alkies are not who they appear at the beginning. He is showing his true colors. You need to get a plan together and get the hell out of there. You will be no good to your daughter dead. My name is Bobby, an old, mean, abusive, recovered alcoholic. I say this because AA changed my life.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Hello and Welcome!
Don't worry about feeling out of place...I am a recovering codependent and I like the Newcomers section because of the quality of the info being shared...
I noticed this little blurb under the newcomers section:
"If you're new to addiction and recovery, substance abuse, *codependency, * mental health or support groups- start here."
So feel free to post away!
I agree with Warrens that most here are recovering from alcohol/substance abuse...but like some nice people told me when I first posted here....it is YOUR recovery that matters!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1690695
Don't worry about feeling out of place...I am a recovering codependent and I like the Newcomers section because of the quality of the info being shared...
I noticed this little blurb under the newcomers section:
"If you're new to addiction and recovery, substance abuse, *codependency, * mental health or support groups- start here."
So feel free to post away!
I agree with Warrens that most here are recovering from alcohol/substance abuse...but like some nice people told me when I first posted here....it is YOUR recovery that matters!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1690695
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 195
Hi there, welcome to S.R. Im sorry to hear what a hard time you and your family are going through. I agree with anna though- you're husband may need you- but you're daughter is still a child and needs her mum. I wish you and your family all the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Never Never land
Posts: 11
Don't be afraid to tell me how you feel warrens 
I am short because i am writing on the fly, I have no real privacy. Addressing the issue of his sentence, it was his third and we lived in Texas. 'nuff said. He was lucky to only get two years. No accidents, ever and never hurt anyone or thing thank God.
Addressing why I have stayed with him. Well, for the most part the good times really have outweighed the bad. he didn't start getting violent until after he came home and yes prison did change him.
Like I said, I knew from the beginning. I fell in love with him anyway and I still love him. Will I choose him over my daughter? That is simply not an option.
I appreciate the fact that I can get a very honest answer here, it is already what I know deep inside, it is just making a plan and putting it into action. I came here because I think I can find the support that I need to do what is right for me and my daughter without hearing a whole lot of "oh you poor thing." Screw that and excuse my language please but like i said I knew what I was getting into from the get go. I always knew I couldn't save him if he didn't want to save himself. I'm here because I still love him and this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I am short because i am writing on the fly, I have no real privacy. Addressing the issue of his sentence, it was his third and we lived in Texas. 'nuff said. He was lucky to only get two years. No accidents, ever and never hurt anyone or thing thank God. Addressing why I have stayed with him. Well, for the most part the good times really have outweighed the bad. he didn't start getting violent until after he came home and yes prison did change him.
Like I said, I knew from the beginning. I fell in love with him anyway and I still love him. Will I choose him over my daughter? That is simply not an option.
I appreciate the fact that I can get a very honest answer here, it is already what I know deep inside, it is just making a plan and putting it into action. I came here because I think I can find the support that I need to do what is right for me and my daughter without hearing a whole lot of "oh you poor thing." Screw that and excuse my language please but like i said I knew what I was getting into from the get go. I always knew I couldn't save him if he didn't want to save himself. I'm here because I still love him and this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
hi weetwo...I agree with growing...I think you picked well - the newbie forum is a good place to start - you get a good cross section of people here...and who better to discuss alcohol and addiction issues with but recovering alkies and addicts ?
now my 2 cents as a recovering alkie?
I'm sorry to hear your going through this, but I agree with Anna and Rowan - your daughter needs you.
If your husband seems unwilling in any way to seek help *today*?
for me - based on the info you've given - it's a no-brainer.
good luck to you
D
now my 2 cents as a recovering alkie?
I'm sorry to hear your going through this, but I agree with Anna and Rowan - your daughter needs you.
If your husband seems unwilling in any way to seek help *today*?
for me - based on the info you've given - it's a no-brainer.
good luck to you
D
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
:ghug3Welcome WeeToo
I have to be honest, when I first read your post I too was curious as to why you chose to start a thread here. Then I thought for a moment how I always like to get both sides of the story so to speak. What I mean by that, who better to possibly give you an insight to your Husband's behaviors than fellow alcoholics/addicts. Just post your heart out as long as you want/need to. And don't worry about having diarrhea of the mouth, if one was booted off of here for rambling, I would have been long gone! :rof
I have to be honest with you. In my opinion, your Husband is feeding you what he knows you want to hear. Every time my behaviors caused major consequences such as your Husband's, I always had just the right thing to say to the people I hurt. All this did way to buy me a little more time to avoid the inevitable, jails, institutions and death. Like your Husband, I have already been to jail and prison, I've been in institutions which he more than likely has too. There's only one thing left for him if he doesn't stop drinking and get a great deal of help. I too, am curious as to how he got a 2 year sentence for DUI. Maybe this was not his first, second or even third one, possibly someone was sererely injured or killed. I don't know and if you choose not to share that, that's fine.
I often told people that I couldn't make it without them, I needed them. What I needed was for them to keep enabling me. When I finally got clean and sober and into Recovery, I had very few family members speaking to me. My friends, even the one's who I got drunk and high with had long gone, I was too far over the edge for them. And this brings me to the next thing I feel I have to address. Your Daughter. My son is now 19, he moved out when he was about 12. He could no longer handle watching me slowly kill myself. I never abused my child physically, he never went hungry and he always had the material things he not only needed but wanted. I bought (or stole) most everything he wanted, thinking that was going to make up for all the crap I put him through. Brandon moved in with his Dad and eventually he began to find every excuse for not coming over for weekends. I could tell on Holidays that he did not want to be here. The last three months or so that I was using, he had came over, briefly only a few times. And he was living only 5 minutes away and by now, had his driver's license and own car.
To make a very, very long story, well, not short but shorter, my son is now 19 years old. He says that he has forgiven me, but I don't think he has. I still, after over 2 1/2 years in Recovery, see little things that confirm my worst fears. Some things he will never, no matter how much he says he has, he will never, ever forgive me for. He will still ask me at times how my disease could have caused me to not love him enough to stop drinking and using. He seems to be able to understand that I was physically dependent on it and that the mental cravings we so strong. He can't understand how a Mother could love drugs and alcohol more than her child. This is exactly what he has said to me. And these things weren't said out of anger during a Mother/Son arguement. I can't help but think that your Daughter, who is what, 15, can not think that you love this man more than you do her.
I put alot of my experiences and feelings out here for everyone to read mainly in hopes to help at least that one person avoid that hell that my disease caused me to live in. At the end of nearly every meeting I attend, before we say the Lord's Prayer at close, we have a moment of silence for the children out there who don't have a say so in the matter. You need to say so for her. You're her Mom, protect her from anymore hurt. I strongly suggest you get out of this volitile relationship that sounds like it just keeps getting worse and get your Daughter back with her Mother before she has to endure any more hurt due to the disease of alcoholism. She doesn't have a say so, you do.
I'm sure you wish we could tell you that everything will be ok with your Husband, that he does want help this time, he will go to AA and stop drinking and get into Recovery. No one can do that except him. And I don't feel he is going to do it with you enabling him like this. Is your relationship together hopeless? I don't know. You can only Pray for him, you can't fix him, but you can protect yourself and your Daughter from anymore of the devestating effects of this disease.
Please, keep posting and sharing your feelings with us. By no means am I judging you. Who am I to judge another person for their behaviors when mine were toxic themselves. But do know, all hope is not lost for your Husband until his life is over. But he is the only one who can change himself.
My Prayers are going out to you, your Daughter and your Husband.
God Bless & Thank God . . . just for Today,
Judy
I have to be honest, when I first read your post I too was curious as to why you chose to start a thread here. Then I thought for a moment how I always like to get both sides of the story so to speak. What I mean by that, who better to possibly give you an insight to your Husband's behaviors than fellow alcoholics/addicts. Just post your heart out as long as you want/need to. And don't worry about having diarrhea of the mouth, if one was booted off of here for rambling, I would have been long gone! :rof
I have to be honest with you. In my opinion, your Husband is feeding you what he knows you want to hear. Every time my behaviors caused major consequences such as your Husband's, I always had just the right thing to say to the people I hurt. All this did way to buy me a little more time to avoid the inevitable, jails, institutions and death. Like your Husband, I have already been to jail and prison, I've been in institutions which he more than likely has too. There's only one thing left for him if he doesn't stop drinking and get a great deal of help. I too, am curious as to how he got a 2 year sentence for DUI. Maybe this was not his first, second or even third one, possibly someone was sererely injured or killed. I don't know and if you choose not to share that, that's fine.
I often told people that I couldn't make it without them, I needed them. What I needed was for them to keep enabling me. When I finally got clean and sober and into Recovery, I had very few family members speaking to me. My friends, even the one's who I got drunk and high with had long gone, I was too far over the edge for them. And this brings me to the next thing I feel I have to address. Your Daughter. My son is now 19, he moved out when he was about 12. He could no longer handle watching me slowly kill myself. I never abused my child physically, he never went hungry and he always had the material things he not only needed but wanted. I bought (or stole) most everything he wanted, thinking that was going to make up for all the crap I put him through. Brandon moved in with his Dad and eventually he began to find every excuse for not coming over for weekends. I could tell on Holidays that he did not want to be here. The last three months or so that I was using, he had came over, briefly only a few times. And he was living only 5 minutes away and by now, had his driver's license and own car.
To make a very, very long story, well, not short but shorter, my son is now 19 years old. He says that he has forgiven me, but I don't think he has. I still, after over 2 1/2 years in Recovery, see little things that confirm my worst fears. Some things he will never, no matter how much he says he has, he will never, ever forgive me for. He will still ask me at times how my disease could have caused me to not love him enough to stop drinking and using. He seems to be able to understand that I was physically dependent on it and that the mental cravings we so strong. He can't understand how a Mother could love drugs and alcohol more than her child. This is exactly what he has said to me. And these things weren't said out of anger during a Mother/Son arguement. I can't help but think that your Daughter, who is what, 15, can not think that you love this man more than you do her.
I put alot of my experiences and feelings out here for everyone to read mainly in hopes to help at least that one person avoid that hell that my disease caused me to live in. At the end of nearly every meeting I attend, before we say the Lord's Prayer at close, we have a moment of silence for the children out there who don't have a say so in the matter. You need to say so for her. You're her Mom, protect her from anymore hurt. I strongly suggest you get out of this volitile relationship that sounds like it just keeps getting worse and get your Daughter back with her Mother before she has to endure any more hurt due to the disease of alcoholism. She doesn't have a say so, you do.
I'm sure you wish we could tell you that everything will be ok with your Husband, that he does want help this time, he will go to AA and stop drinking and get into Recovery. No one can do that except him. And I don't feel he is going to do it with you enabling him like this. Is your relationship together hopeless? I don't know. You can only Pray for him, you can't fix him, but you can protect yourself and your Daughter from anymore of the devestating effects of this disease.
Please, keep posting and sharing your feelings with us. By no means am I judging you. Who am I to judge another person for their behaviors when mine were toxic themselves. But do know, all hope is not lost for your Husband until his life is over. But he is the only one who can change himself.
My Prayers are going out to you, your Daughter and your Husband.
God Bless & Thank God . . . just for Today,
Judy
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi ...
I am so glad your daughter is out of harms way.
Please don't pressure her to live with a violent alcoholic.
I suggest you don't either.
Welcome to SR!
I am so glad your daughter is out of harms way.
Please don't pressure her to live with a violent alcoholic.
I suggest you don't either.
Welcome to SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Never Never land
Posts: 11
:codiepoliceSpul chek deleted my post! Oh no! 
Judy your post was very powerful, thank you. What you describe with you and your son's relationship is my worst fear. I cannot loose my daughter for a man who does not love himself enough to want to be healthy. The three of us sat down last night and talked. My daughter, while she does love her step father, cannot see past what happened last week. I can't see past the fact that he is only talking about recovery in an attempt to save our marriage. When I asked him why he was now talking about getting sober and going to meetings he told me that point blank. I asked if he truly wanted to quit drinking and he said "No alcoholic really wants to quit."
Is that true?
About the prison thing. Y'all ain't from Texas now are ya? wee drawls with her best southern accent. The Texas Department of Criminal Justice states within thier policies and proceedures regarding the early release of non violent criminals that DWI and sexual offenders are to be treated as equal in that these two classifications of offenders have shown through history that they are unable to be rehabilitated.
A musician in Corpus Christie was recently sentenced to 99 years for his fourth dwi. Like my husband all his dwi's were the result of routine traffic stops. There is no big mystery and I don't have a problem giving info or details, just not on the World Wide Web. Besides, you can google his case, it's all public record. I'm not defending him, just my decision to stay with him while he was incarcerated. He had been going to AA for seven months when he was sentenced and was doing well. AA was not available at the place he was at. He wrote to his sponsor and someone else involved in the program but did not get much of a response. I saw the change in him happening. He went from a recovery state of mind to something else.
I'm not completely innocent in this either. I am an enabler. I have drank with him more often than not because when I am sober around him I tend to loose my patience with him very quickly.
And here I sit on a quiet Sunday morning, thinking about how I am going to manage paying off bills so I can transfer the utilities. We are both in construction and real estate and this last year has really been crap. How I am going to manage to get stuff moved from his house to our house. I have lived in this town for about three years and don't know a soul. I have been too busy trying to keep the truth about my marriage a secret to let anyone in. The kid and I can do it. It is just taking that first step that is so hard.
Judy your post was very powerful, thank you. What you describe with you and your son's relationship is my worst fear. I cannot loose my daughter for a man who does not love himself enough to want to be healthy. The three of us sat down last night and talked. My daughter, while she does love her step father, cannot see past what happened last week. I can't see past the fact that he is only talking about recovery in an attempt to save our marriage. When I asked him why he was now talking about getting sober and going to meetings he told me that point blank. I asked if he truly wanted to quit drinking and he said "No alcoholic really wants to quit."
Is that true?
About the prison thing. Y'all ain't from Texas now are ya? wee drawls with her best southern accent. The Texas Department of Criminal Justice states within thier policies and proceedures regarding the early release of non violent criminals that DWI and sexual offenders are to be treated as equal in that these two classifications of offenders have shown through history that they are unable to be rehabilitated.
A musician in Corpus Christie was recently sentenced to 99 years for his fourth dwi. Like my husband all his dwi's were the result of routine traffic stops. There is no big mystery and I don't have a problem giving info or details, just not on the World Wide Web. Besides, you can google his case, it's all public record. I'm not defending him, just my decision to stay with him while he was incarcerated. He had been going to AA for seven months when he was sentenced and was doing well. AA was not available at the place he was at. He wrote to his sponsor and someone else involved in the program but did not get much of a response. I saw the change in him happening. He went from a recovery state of mind to something else.
I'm not completely innocent in this either. I am an enabler. I have drank with him more often than not because when I am sober around him I tend to loose my patience with him very quickly.
And here I sit on a quiet Sunday morning, thinking about how I am going to manage paying off bills so I can transfer the utilities. We are both in construction and real estate and this last year has really been crap. How I am going to manage to get stuff moved from his house to our house. I have lived in this town for about three years and don't know a soul. I have been too busy trying to keep the truth about my marriage a secret to let anyone in. The kid and I can do it. It is just taking that first step that is so hard.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I asked if he truly wanted to quit drinking and he said "No alcoholic really wants to quit."
If he's lucky, he'll get to a point where drinking is harder than staying sober.
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
Hi welcome weetwo,
As a recovering alcoholic I can share my experience. I continued to lie to the people around me and they continued to believe my lies, long after I didn't believe myself anymore.
As an alcoholic I searched out people that enabled my behavior and when someone called me on it, I moved on, found someone else to lie too. It was a 30 year struggle and looking back what helped me most was people holding me accountable. There's a saying that goes "if you can't help them up, help them down", that's what I needed, helped down.
Save yourself and your daughter and always remember YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S ALCOHOLISM.
Take care of you two weetwo.
God's Peace
As a recovering alcoholic I can share my experience. I continued to lie to the people around me and they continued to believe my lies, long after I didn't believe myself anymore.
As an alcoholic I searched out people that enabled my behavior and when someone called me on it, I moved on, found someone else to lie too. It was a 30 year struggle and looking back what helped me most was people holding me accountable. There's a saying that goes "if you can't help them up, help them down", that's what I needed, helped down.
Save yourself and your daughter and always remember YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S ALCOHOLISM.
Take care of you two weetwo.
God's Peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Never Never land
Posts: 11
Dee I was reading your post and looked at the last paragraph of mine and I think to myself we are not so different at the core. My husband can think of a thousand reasons to drink, a thousand reasons why he can't stop. I can think of a thousand reasons why I could put this in the "it's too hard to do file." I know a million ways to jusify my own self destructive behavior as does he. I can sit here and create a million obstacles in my head and find new and exciting ways to blame anyone but myself. I could stay in a relationship that has left me isolated. That would be so much easier than having to really examine what part I have played in all of this and why.
I think about my daughter. I was a single parent for most of her life and feel strongly that I need to set a good example for her. I did not have her around partying or men by myself. I go to work every day no matter what and have told her repeatedly to always make sure she can take care of herself financially. I have tried to teach her that it is ok to be alone and that relationships do not complete us. Let me rephrase that-I have preached these things to her but by my own example have taught her the exact opposite.
I just came back from dropping my daughter off and he is passed out on the couch. I feel right now that it was much harder to drop her off today and know that I will do the same for the next few weeks than it will be to leave this behind.
I think about my daughter. I was a single parent for most of her life and feel strongly that I need to set a good example for her. I did not have her around partying or men by myself. I go to work every day no matter what and have told her repeatedly to always make sure she can take care of herself financially. I have tried to teach her that it is ok to be alone and that relationships do not complete us. Let me rephrase that-I have preached these things to her but by my own example have taught her the exact opposite.
I just came back from dropping my daughter off and he is passed out on the couch. I feel right now that it was much harder to drop her off today and know that I will do the same for the next few weeks than it will be to leave this behind.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
WeeTwo
If addicts did not wish to deal with their disease, this place would be barren. Unlike AA and other treatment centers, no one is "court ordered" to register and post here.
I can only comment on MY motivation and situation. It is not to be taken as "advice." But I am here because I need restore my life to one of personal power and manageability. The decision to do this is MINE, and if I am to succeed, it needs to be.
I happen to have a great family, with 3 grown, college educated and wonderful children (adults). A woman who is everything to me. And friends.
Yet, there is nothing they could have done, be it threats, ultimatums, or simply disappearing that could have motivated me to intervene in my disease. Just as no one can convince you to treat a disease you believe you do not have.
Addiction is a very selfish disease and I believe that successful recovery is selfish as well. My recovery is all about ME. Doing it for others would relieve me of all responsibility. It would give me more excuses than I wish to list in this post should I fail. Thus, I have to approach my recovery as if my loved ones had already abandoned me.
In all honesty, I expect that my new persona will serve to deepen these most important relationships. It already has. But without a healthy relationship with myself, there can be no other healthy relationships in my life.
There is nothing more disarming to an addict than when others simply "take care of business," without regard to them. Addiction loves guilt, shame, remorse, anger, and all those wonderful emotions. It keeps things "all about US." But when life simply goes on for others, it's like WTF?
I suggest that your husband make his decisions as if you were already gone. Gone, not because of him, just gone. Would he seek treatment and recovery then? Is he running FROM something or TO something? I'm not running from my addiction; it will stalk me wherever I go. It will seek me out and destroy me wherever I run. I'm running toward the only place it cannot follow, and that is a determined recovery. A house that I build stick by stick. Addiction will always be baying in the distance, but I plan to be safe inside, sitting by the fire.
Best to you. Your daughter seems very wise. Seems that she knows what is good for her. May your husband discover what is good for him.
Peace and serenity,
warrens
If addicts did not wish to deal with their disease, this place would be barren. Unlike AA and other treatment centers, no one is "court ordered" to register and post here.
I can only comment on MY motivation and situation. It is not to be taken as "advice." But I am here because I need restore my life to one of personal power and manageability. The decision to do this is MINE, and if I am to succeed, it needs to be.
I happen to have a great family, with 3 grown, college educated and wonderful children (adults). A woman who is everything to me. And friends.
Yet, there is nothing they could have done, be it threats, ultimatums, or simply disappearing that could have motivated me to intervene in my disease. Just as no one can convince you to treat a disease you believe you do not have.
Addiction is a very selfish disease and I believe that successful recovery is selfish as well. My recovery is all about ME. Doing it for others would relieve me of all responsibility. It would give me more excuses than I wish to list in this post should I fail. Thus, I have to approach my recovery as if my loved ones had already abandoned me.
In all honesty, I expect that my new persona will serve to deepen these most important relationships. It already has. But without a healthy relationship with myself, there can be no other healthy relationships in my life.
There is nothing more disarming to an addict than when others simply "take care of business," without regard to them. Addiction loves guilt, shame, remorse, anger, and all those wonderful emotions. It keeps things "all about US." But when life simply goes on for others, it's like WTF?
I suggest that your husband make his decisions as if you were already gone. Gone, not because of him, just gone. Would he seek treatment and recovery then? Is he running FROM something or TO something? I'm not running from my addiction; it will stalk me wherever I go. It will seek me out and destroy me wherever I run. I'm running toward the only place it cannot follow, and that is a determined recovery. A house that I build stick by stick. Addiction will always be baying in the distance, but I plan to be safe inside, sitting by the fire.
Best to you. Your daughter seems very wise. Seems that she knows what is good for her. May your husband discover what is good for him.
Peace and serenity,
warrens
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Never Never land
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by warrens 
WeeTwo
If addicts did not wish to deal with their disease, this place would be barren. Unlike AA and other treatment centers, no one is "court ordered" to register and post here.
That's what I think too.
I can only comment on MY motivation and situation. It is not to be taken as "advice." But I am here because I need restore my life to one of personal power and manageability. The decision to do this is MINE, and if I am to succeed, it needs to be.
I think you have a very healthy perspective.
I happen to have a great family, with 3 grown, college educated and wonderful children (adults). A woman who is everything to me. And friends.
I hope you don't think I was insulting you. I really like the fact that you are being so honest.
Yet, there is nothing they could have done, be it threats, ultimatums, or simply disappearing that could have motivated me to intervene in my disease. Just as no one can convince you to treat a disease you believe you do not have.
I have been trying to drill this into my head.
Addiction is a very selfish disease and I believe that successful recovery is selfish as well. My recovery is all about ME. Doing it for others would relieve me of all responsibility. It would give me more excuses than I wish to list in this post should I fail. Thus, I have to approach my recovery as if my loved ones had already abandoned me.
I agree. When he went to AA the first time a part of me felt abandoned and wondering why I could not do what group could. I know better now and that is why I have decided to leave.
In all honesty, I expect that my new persona will serve to deepen these most important relationships. It already has. But without a healthy relationship with myself, there can be no other healthy relationships in my life.
I need a healthy relationship with myself again. I don't feel that I can accomplish that here. I feel that I will allow my self to become dependent again.
There is nothing more disarming to an addict than when others simply "take care of business," without regard to them. Addiction loves guilt, shame, remorse, anger, and all those wonderful emotions. It keeps things "all about US." But when life simply goes on for others, it's like WTF?
I suggest that your husband make his decisions as if you were already gone. Gone, not because of him, just gone. Would he seek treatment and recovery then? Is he running FROM something or TO something? I'm not running from my addiction; it will stalk me wherever I go. It will seek me out and destroy me wherever I run. I'm running toward the only place it cannot follow, and that is a determined recovery. A house that I build stick by stick. Addiction will always be baying in the distance, but I plan to be safe inside, sitting by the fire.
Warrens if left to his own he will drown himself. I've always had his back but when I needed someone to have mine I have been left to myself. I don't mean to sound cruel but sometimes turn sbout is fair play. I need to take care of me and the kid. She is just a kid and should not have to deal with this.
Best to you. Your daughter seems very wise. Seems that she knows what is good for her. May your husband discover what is good for him.
She is warrens. She is a spectacular person. It is time for her to be around someone who can and will reinforce that every day. As far as my H, he needs to do that on his own. I can no longer be his crutch.
Peace and serenity,
warrens
If addicts did not wish to deal with their disease, this place would be barren. Unlike AA and other treatment centers, no one is "court ordered" to register and post here.
That's what I think too.
I can only comment on MY motivation and situation. It is not to be taken as "advice." But I am here because I need restore my life to one of personal power and manageability. The decision to do this is MINE, and if I am to succeed, it needs to be.
I think you have a very healthy perspective.
I happen to have a great family, with 3 grown, college educated and wonderful children (adults). A woman who is everything to me. And friends.
I hope you don't think I was insulting you. I really like the fact that you are being so honest.
Yet, there is nothing they could have done, be it threats, ultimatums, or simply disappearing that could have motivated me to intervene in my disease. Just as no one can convince you to treat a disease you believe you do not have.
I have been trying to drill this into my head.
Addiction is a very selfish disease and I believe that successful recovery is selfish as well. My recovery is all about ME. Doing it for others would relieve me of all responsibility. It would give me more excuses than I wish to list in this post should I fail. Thus, I have to approach my recovery as if my loved ones had already abandoned me.
I agree. When he went to AA the first time a part of me felt abandoned and wondering why I could not do what group could. I know better now and that is why I have decided to leave.
In all honesty, I expect that my new persona will serve to deepen these most important relationships. It already has. But without a healthy relationship with myself, there can be no other healthy relationships in my life.
I need a healthy relationship with myself again. I don't feel that I can accomplish that here. I feel that I will allow my self to become dependent again.
There is nothing more disarming to an addict than when others simply "take care of business," without regard to them. Addiction loves guilt, shame, remorse, anger, and all those wonderful emotions. It keeps things "all about US." But when life simply goes on for others, it's like WTF?
I suggest that your husband make his decisions as if you were already gone. Gone, not because of him, just gone. Would he seek treatment and recovery then? Is he running FROM something or TO something? I'm not running from my addiction; it will stalk me wherever I go. It will seek me out and destroy me wherever I run. I'm running toward the only place it cannot follow, and that is a determined recovery. A house that I build stick by stick. Addiction will always be baying in the distance, but I plan to be safe inside, sitting by the fire.
Warrens if left to his own he will drown himself. I've always had his back but when I needed someone to have mine I have been left to myself. I don't mean to sound cruel but sometimes turn sbout is fair play. I need to take care of me and the kid. She is just a kid and should not have to deal with this.
Best to you. Your daughter seems very wise. Seems that she knows what is good for her. May your husband discover what is good for him.
She is warrens. She is a spectacular person. It is time for her to be around someone who can and will reinforce that every day. As far as my H, he needs to do that on his own. I can no longer be his crutch.
Peace and serenity,
warrens
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