xXBacktoBlackXx

I'm a complete mess today! I was supposed to go into work, but I didn't end up going in and received a lot of phone calls about this. I just felt complete crap. My mom called me upset I didn't come in as did my dad. I don't even know how to explain how I feel. I feel so disorganized and this type of thing seems to always happen to me. I'm doing well for a bit and then I revert back to old habits. Then I don't even wanna' do anything even if it is important because I am stuck on how horrible I am feeling.

I don't know. I think I am still feeling the after effects of what I took before which makes me never wanna' take it again. Afterward, the physical effects just made me feel so depressed when initially I felt amazing while on it. I felt I could conquer anything. Then after 5-6 hours of that feeling, it completely fell flat and I thought, what is the point of this? I had made ridiculous commitments while on it, contacted a complete ass and told him I would visit him the next day when all he wants is to **** (luckily I did not go and I wouldn't cheat on my boyfriend but while I was on that I just wanted a friend to talk to. This guy is such an ass, though), I decided I was going to find a new job, made plans with a friend to go to a strip club so we could get jobs there since we both need money badly. I just made a lot of really dumb decisions, and here I am after the fact, dealing with them. I can't even go to work today. I just feel so down in the dumps and as if I am disappointing everyone. It seems I can't make one commitment. I will for a bit of time, but then I fall back into these cracks. It's what I ended up doing with school and now with this job that I have. How horrible.

Have you ever made your life a complete mess from using and drinking? Did it ever start to go well and then you made a mess of it again? How did you get it back together and for longer than a couple of months?? I don't even mean just staying sober...I mean staying sane! Ay! I know I'm not mentally unwinding in that way...but, all of my commitments eventually fall through...my plans to go to school...my plans of finding specific jobs...it all falls flat and I end up where I began. I have too many ideas for what I need to be doing and set out to do them but it does not work. Ay. Then I use and make a mess of it.

ROFL

God I feel just like that a lot of the time. I just keep hoping that eventually, after I am sober long enough, I'll be able to conquer all the things I set out to do. I am still believing that it was the alcohol abuse that made me fail. And even though I haven't YET cleaned up all my messes, I'm confident that it is only a matter of time.

Hang in there.

xXBacktoBlackXx

Thank you! I really hope that it is only a matter of time, as well. I guess I just get tired of starting projects then failing to complete them and then using in the meantime due to frustration. I don't think my failure is completely due to alcohol because for a time, I did not drink. I went months without it and haven't drank since before Valentines Day. I know I'm an alcoholic, but I've always had trouble completing things and I am so tired of falling through and bailing every single time. I really don't know how to get my life on track anymore. I'm very confused.

caraway

I've relapsed LOADS of times. I'm back in AA now as its the only thing that I've found that can help me. I find it helpful (as well as enjoyable) to be in the company of other alcoholics who understand and it gives me a program that I can follow which helps me to improve my life and make my life more livable. Being a member of this group reminds me not to drink (providing I attend regularly) and having a program helps me recognise when I might be suseptible to relapse and how not to.

I'm only at just over 2 months myself now, but I feel I've made some progress already. I've been to AA before, years ago, and in the meantime I forgot about how the program can work. Today I feel quite happy and content (not yet reached serenity but I'm very happy with today). :bounce

ROFL

I haven't drank since just after new years (except one day). I am worse off now than I was then at accomplishing the things I set out to do. I get all excited about some of my ideas, and a plug away at them for a little while, but eventually, if I don't get gratification soon enough, I just plain bail. I hate that about myself. But even though I've been sober (mostly) for two months and STILL haven't been able to completely follow through with things. I'm trying to not look at it as failure, but as a learning experience. God knows I've had a LOT of learning experiences. I think that if I just keep trying, eventually I'll make it! BTW, I'm already 46 years old!

Good luck! And above all, keep trying because I bet you DO have it in you to succeed.

frstnm

Getting sober is one thing. Staying sober and sane seems to be another......

unigirl

I often feel disorganized and all over the place. I cannot manage my own life- tho it is improving with the help of A.A. and beggining the program in A.A. I know if i continue it will get better.
It's a horrible place to be though- but what i have fount is i am very good at moaning about it - rather than putting in the crucial 'action' to improve my life.
Some days i dont get out of bed till late- ill miss uni, go to mtngs feeling crap and even more detached from the real world and then feel sorry myself and cry myself to sleep.
I can see that it's me that is causing this but i cannot get out of it. However laltey i have been listening to my sponser- and putting in the action- forcing myself with everything i have to get out of bed and do the right thing- which is normally what my head is putting me off from doing. The little things make all the difference so going into work- getting ontop of housework etc- it all matters to me. Hope this helps

tay-lyn

Uhhhhhh YA! About a bazillion times!
I'd make a huge mess of my life, clean up for a bit, and then back at 'er.

I had all kinds of 'fixes and cures'....
take a class...
start exercising....
read more....
don't drink until all responsibilities are taken care of......
get a part time job (to go along with my full time job).....
get new friends.....
join a club.....
learn a new language....
on and on and on

I was great at starting all these things, but they never stuck....why? Cause my life was always in one of three stages;
Drinking...drunk,
Hungover...swearing off the booze,
Obsessing about the next drink...do I or don't I.....
I couldn't stick to anything when I was poisoning my mind and body. Whether I was actually drinking or not, I was poisoning my mind with my fixation on the drink.
Funny how we find all the 'fixes and cures' OTHER than staying quit. And you can only stay quit if you embrace recovery. I know this from experience and others will echo the same.
You can't escape the insanity without restoring yourself TO sanity.
Tay.

Dee74

b2b
everytime we 'do' something - whether it be snorting or drinking or whatever - things usually end badly in some way. But we keep doing it...over and over. That's insanity.

Change something - try a meeting, try counselling - try something recovery based.
Exercising or playing the piano or whatever is just putting off dealing with the problem - and it looks to me like you do have a problem.

You need to deal with it.

Do something - but don't 'do' a drug, cos that's worse than doing nothing -
it just puts you backwards. It's a loop where the only way to go is down....

keep posting b2
D

Missymae737

Hi,

I am sorry to hear of your struggles...All I can say is it does get better...Every day of sobriety brings understanding, strength, and HOPE...

Did my life become a complete mess when using?

THIS is an understatement...I nearly died, lost everything in a material sense, most of all, inflicted pain on my family, and lost self respect...GOOD thing is we don't have to do this anymore...

Hang in there!!

nogard

b2b Dee got it exactly, that may not be the answer you wanted to hear but its the one that can save your life and finally on a daily basis give you a reprieve from drugs and a reprieve from the insanity.

I heard it put this way recently:

Insanity equals using and expecting a different result - Powerless, alone
Sanity equals not using with and being with others in recovery and a program - Powerful as we have a Power greater than yourself

Change everything about you, put down the drugs and ask for help then take the help that comes.


Never forget and make no mistake that we are dealing with a dis ease that wants to kill us and a dis ease which tells us that we have no dis ease. On our own we are insane, alone, imprisoned, hospitalised or dead.

Kevin