somanypieces

Hi everyone. Not sure where to post, so I'll start here.

My life is falling apart. I don't know how to survive this time. I feel like giving up everything. I feel like I need someone to step in and help me get it together.

For over a year I've been involved with a man who turned out to be a long-term substance abuser. Long story short, I ended up getting into the substance, too. And we ended up being really bad influences on each other. All my worst habits and tendencies and emotions went wild because I was with someone who accepted them and was even worse than me.

He got way worse, too. We both got into gambling (video gambling machines at every corner pub in this state). Lost a lot of money. He lost his job, not really related to the substance, got another job and it was really bad, not related to substance, and got laid off.

I've been supporting us both. My job, which I was already really hating, got to be impossible for me to handle. After five years with not a negative word about me, one of my staff complained to my boss. I was already going to ask for a leave because I couldn't stand going to my job anymore, but it made it all feel worse to have her complain about me. Especially since I mentored her.

Anyway, so I have another week and half of leave, and I can't bear to go back. I've refinanced the house to pay off credit cards and to do repairs, but we've wasted a lot of the money I got on gambling and the substance.

Now he has broken up with me and moved out, and I don;t know how I will pay the mortgage, which is higher now, without him. He had assured me, when I worried about getting the higher mortgage, that he would never move out, and now he has.

I already am a person who freaks out when a relationship ends, and now, feeling like I need to change my career and job, and feeling so sad and emotional, and being addicted to a substance, and everything, him leaving is hard on many more levels.

I have a teenager who is here 50% of the time. I feel like it's really hard to be present for him, and I've already been too checked out, even before the substance, because of depression I had before I even met my BF. He;s having troubles now with pot and drinking. His dad is being a butt head about it, and my son is turning to me a lot for support.

My BF and I talked to today and he agreed to go to counseling to try to see if there is some way we can work towards making a relationship work, if we both get healthier and stop being so self-destructive.

I don;t even know if I want that, but I also know that there is a lot of good between us, despite our horrible downslide together.

And it hurts that he is just gone. I don't know where. Won't let myself think about it. We talk or email fairly often since he moved out, and sometimes it's ok, and sometimes it makes me utterly crash. Says he loves me but things were too unhealthy. Says he is so sad to lose me. I want him to try again, but then other times I think I have to get away from him or it will kill me.

Just realized today that I have a lot of symptoms in common with Borderline Personality Disorder. Not as extreme, but still too obvious to ignore. It is a relief, in a way, because maybe now I can get therapy that will help. Have had therapy for nearly 20 years and I quit because it is clear to me how I got to be the way I am, but nobody could help me figure out how to change. Maybe this new direction will lead to better help.

Sometimes I'm ok, and then I get incredible panic or dissolve into "Oh my god I can't survive without him." There was bad stuff when we were together, but at least I was not alone. Nobody else knows about me using this substance, and nobody would believe or suspect it. It's not something I ever imagined using.

Everything is a mess.

Wish I could get help tonight. Right now. Working hard to find a therapist. Have to call my boss tomorrow, and I'll ask if I can have two more weeks, unpaid. Try to get on my feet. See if there's any way I can make myself go back (been hating it for almost 2 years, getting more and more unhappy, I should leave, I know, but how can I leave when there's nobody to help me pay mortgage? He's about to get a job, very high-paying, and was going to support ME for awhile. Instead he's gone.)

CarolD

Yes....you do have a lot to consider.
i'm sorry this is happening...

Have you considered asking your doctor
for assistance to quit the drug?
Some drugs have severe withdrawal symptoms.

We do have a Substance Abuse Forum
I suggest you read there for information
regarding the drug you use.

Click here please

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/substance-abuse/

Welcome to our recovery community

Blessings to you...your son and your guy

somanypieces

Not sure about talking to doctor.

Looking at substance abuse threads.. don't see my substance there. There's so much to wade through!

Thank you.

CarolD

Ok....please share exactly what you use please
It's impossible to guess as there are so many.

Then others can share with you.
It's not going to shock any of us...

somanypieces

Ok. Hard for me to do that. I don't tell anyone. Nobody knows but BF, and the user friends of his that I've met (2 people).
It's meth.

I am so scared right now. It is cold and dark and I am so alone. I know better than to contact him. I'm trying to not do that at all. I need to clear my head of him and see what I really feel.

But I don't know how to get through the night. I'm so scared. It's only a bit past 2 am, so long to go until the sun rises and the world isn't so scary. And no, I can't sleep. To stimulated from the meth, and plus I haven't been able to sleep at night since he left. I haven;t gotten used to him being gone.

So scared.

CarolD

Of course you are scared.
It's a bad time for you.

It's raining down here in Gergia
wind is high and it's down to 50.

I live alone and I hate to sleep
been up all night too.

I remember when my lover and I split.
I wanted to be sober and he did not.
I kept a dirty t shirt of his in bed for awhile.
It smelled like him and comforted me.

However... we both survived and I thrived.
I had changed my lifestyle into healthy and positive.
Best move I ever made.

I'm going to fix some oatmeal ...can you eat?
Try some toast or juice
Be right back

somanypieces

Thanks Carol. It is so good to hear what the weather is like where you are, and that you are having oatmel.

I could have some frozen yogurt. I hid his brown velvet jacket under my pillow the other day, because he's so cute in it, and it smells like him.

It makes me feel better to hear that it is possible to get through this time.

Thank you for those little normal things you said. I'm crying right now, just because it is so nice to feel like there's someone out there and I just told my worst secret ever, and it's ok.

CarolD

Just because we did drugs and or alcohol
does not make us bad people.

Tho I did do some destructive things
when I drank. The non drinker me knows
how to live sober and find joy in it.

This can happen for you as well.

CarolD

I remember when I used diet pills
they were prescription amphenemines (sp?)

Going up was a big rush
but the coming down was a miserable experience.

My boss told me he did not care how
fat I was...he just wanted
me to be sane ...calm and quiet!

None of witch I was when stoned up.

Rowan

Somanypieces, just throwing out my support - I'm glad you're here. I'm in recovery from booze and pills - live with a teenager, too. My lover and I split back in the summer, and I was left with a big mortgage. I know how difficult it is, but first things first. Have you considered seeking help for the meth addiction? I know others who have successfully gotten off meth, and you can too.

somanypieces

Thanks for replies.

Yes. I need to get help. I have a lot of therapy next week.

Monday I go to my son's counselor with my ex-husband and his wife so we can talk about how to communicate about our son better.

Monday, later, I next go to my psychiatric person to talk about adjusting my meds. Problem is he doesn't know about the meth. He wants me to be on an anti-anxiety drug but I can't because taken with meth it can cause seizures. I know I should tell him, but I don't want him to freak out.

I should tell him, huh? But I don't want it in my medical records.

Tuesday I have couples counseling with BF. Except I can't believe it will happen. I think he will cancel or "forget." And if we go, I have no hope that it will help.

Wednesday I have an appointment with two different counselors to see which is good for me. I think I'll cancel one.

Problem is I'm about to quit my job, I think. And then I won;t have insurance.

Oh well.

I'm scared to quit. I'm scared to get healthy. I'm scared to admit that there is no hope for this relationship. I believed in it SO MUCH. I believed I'd found my partner. Never been so close to anyone, so honest, or understood someone so much.

But tonight, he feels dead to me. He is off doing his middle-of-the-night stuff, off in that dark world that seduces him. Probably hanging out with his dealer pal, or his lesbian prostitute convicted drug felon friend. the people who don't judge him and are always ready to get high.

I have crossed some bridge into a dark forest - I know that he is gone from me for good. I no longer feel like there is any hope for us. If I were to say that I love him right this minute -- it'd be hollow and false. I see him, tonight, as totally unhelpful in my life. I see him as a stranger. He is no longer inside of my heart. I still know him and understand him, but now I know what it is like to be one of the people he keeps in touch with (he has way more friends than me, non-meth friends mostly).

He stopped by today to drop me off some meth (I can;t believe I;m admitting this stuff. It feels WEIRD to not be keeping it all secret) and sat on the bed, had a cigarette. Told me how he'd lost his phone. I told him something my son had told me about his dad, and my BF was all appropriately shocked. He took off to get to the phone store before they closed, and it was all cheery and no sadness. It felt normal, like just a pal. And it felt weird to be so disconnected. Later he called me and reminded me that he had recently signed a 2 year contract to add my phone number to his cell contract, and that he'd be glad to keep paying for that. "It'll save you $5,000 over the next 2 years" he said.

I said how odd though since I don;t even know if we'll even KNOW each other in 2 years, Or a year, or a month. He said that no matter what he doesn't want me out of his life. And indeed, two of his best friends are ex-girlfriends. He is a dear, sweet man, if you don;t mind him dropping in and out of your life. When we hang out with one of his exes, they sit close and hold hands like brother and sister. They are gentle and sweet with each other (totally not sexual, never made me jealous).

I know that he and I could be that way. That I could accept him as a friend in this manner, and that he;d run me over some Thai soup if I had a cold, or call occasionally just to say hi. And all the while he'll stay on meth, probably, and keep his worlds separate and secret. Or perhaps enter deeply into dealing, which he;s started dabbling in, to my great horror.

And it makes me nauseated. Maybe because it's so real.

I really feel this stone-cold certainty that things are over.

And I know I have to get clean and healthy, but part of me says, "Noooo!" Part of me doesn't want to be healthy. I don;t understand.

CarolD

I see you have left us....Thanks for sharing part of your story.

I kept drinking when I knew I was addicted.
It seemed to be a grand idea at the time.
I used to say
"I put the fun into functioning alcoholic"

Then the fun bottles were empty
The functioning slowly eroded and I got fired.
Depression was with me daily.

That was my catylist to begin AA recovery.
I never ever want to live in that dismal cold depression.

Soooo...t I will join my sober friends for an AA meeting.
We will joke...maybe a few tears ..learn...grow
and we will continue to move forward side by side.

Mega and Prayers for your peace

somanypieces

I like this phrase: "The fun bottles were empty."

No, it's not fun anymore. I don't even know why I do it, now that he;s gone. Except it gives me energy, and it also tends to bring me out of depression.

coming off is not too hard. I get down and irritable and really tired and hungry. But all next week I can sleep and sleep because I'm not working, and my son's gone.

I think it's hard to say goodbye to unhealthy me.

Why does unhealthy me feel more right and what I'm supposed to be? I resist health.

nogard

Welcome to SR gld you got so much company and good advice.

Look fwd to talking reading more from you.

Kevin

Emimily

"i resist health"

that, in essence, is addict behavior. the swing isn't between wanting/craving/needing/obsessing and not, it's between wanting to be healthy and wanting to self-destruct. the man i've been seeing for a few months is an ex-meth addict. he's also an alcoholic, in recovery with AA. he used to call himself the devil. today, he has almost a year clean and is happy, healthy, and a productive member of society. where there's life, there's hope.

wishing you well... take care.

CarolD

somanypieces....

Yes...I came to check up on you
I do hope you had a smooth peaceful day.

I am hoping you will come back
and share wth us again.

Thanks for the company in the wee hours

CarolD

I'm leaving you a link
when you have time
please think about this

Crystal Meth Anonymous

Blessings ...

Latte

I'm just one pill away from being right back in my hell and I know it.

I know that today I didn't put any mind controlling substances (other than mental health meds) into my body and that is all that I have to do today.

I am so glad you are here, this is such a wonderful place.

A year ago I almost died from an overdose and today my husband trusts me, my children know who their mom is and what she will do. They can trust me to be consistent and they even enjoy their punishments, though they won't admit it. I still have work to do and every day I wake up and do it.

It's been rainy and overcast here, but we had a few hours of sun so I soaked up some Vit. D. Up here in the land of the midnight sun, we have some brutal winters and we're just getting our daytime back so I'm starting to bloom like a flower again.

We rounding up a bout of strep throat here. One five year old with an itchy rash to go along with hers, one 9 year old who is working hard at driving the five year old crazy while getting better from her bout while taking antibiotics and me finally able to eat real food again after being on a liquid and oatmeal diet for a few days.

My thoughts are with you.

nodrinkingzone

Hi somanypieces, welcome to SR - you're doing the right thing by asking for help, there's a lot of people here who can offer support and advice.

I'm an alcoholic and a junkie, but I don't drink any more and I quit heroin 8 years ago. I never thought I'd end up doing that, either... but I made my choices at the time and I'm glad I got out of it before it killed me (or worse).

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate, and I hope you get the extra time off work to catch up on sleep and get all the poison out of your body. I've been thinking about wht you said about choosing unhealthy, and I think there is a part of my brain that's been doing the same thing for about 18 years now.

I want health, and happiness, but a part of me is broken, or sore, or just out of balance, and I'm trying to fix that now. I haven't had a drink in 83 Days, and I feel like I'm in a much better place to address all those issues, but it's scary as hell.

Good luck with everything, I'll spare you a thought before i go to bed,

ndz

Done_With_It

Hi Somanypieces,

I read through your thread and can relate to a lot of what you said. I'll respond more later, I'm a bit on brain overload right now, but wanted to let you know, you can recovery from Crystal Meth. That was my doc or pure Ice by the end.
I didn't think I could ever get better.
I used this site a lot, esp. in the beginning, I hope to see you back.

Oh yea, I have 2 years and on the 14 the will be 4 months, so 2 years 4 month clean. It's hard but once you decide meth is no longer an option, you can do it.
I know that battle your facing, but you can do it.

The last three weeks of my life have been overwhelming to say the least, a lot of stuff happened fast......
I can't believe I used to try and solve my problems with another line of meth.
You can get clean, and live a happy, productive life without meth. I didn't think I could at one point but you can.

:ghug3