I think I'm....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 4
I think I'm....
Wow, I never ever would have thought that I would be posting in a place like this, or telling anyone other than my closest friends whats going on with me... but I can remain annonomus and at least see if I can get some answers...
I feel that I am almost completley addicted...
I started using drugs when i was 13, just weed at the time, and very very far from frequent use. As I got older I stopped doing any form of drug until I was about 22 when i got into my first big relationship. I had my first drink at that point and have been partying ever since, I couldn't believe that i was missing out on sooooo much fun all those years growing up and now I was just begining to experience it.
A year later I was dumped and in a sling of depression because I was completley whipped by this woman, in turn I went to pot and partying. Every friday and saturday night me and my buddys would hotbox the car and get just downright slammed. We'd be on the c-train throwing bottles, or trying to pick up girls, just acting like complete asses, but I was having the time of my life.
About two years ago I started hanging out with my step brothers for the first time in 10 years. When I first met them they were hardcore partyers and at the time I didn't care for it at all, but upon getting back in contact with them times had changed and we had a night out at the bar. Since then I have been hanging out with them almost every friday partying it up.
About a year ago I found that the youngest of my step brothers was doing cocaine, and that him and my other step brother would go off into a seperate room to do it when we were with a group of people. Eventually I got curious and wanted to try it, they didn't let me but I persisted and one night they let me do a line. I didn't feel anything.
The next time we did coke I did two larger rails, and this time I felt it and I loved the feeling.
The coke kept me up, we could party hard until 5 or 6, sometimes 10 in the morning because you don't get sleepy. I enjoyed it immensly.
The best feelings about using cocaine were
-Increased alertness
-Ability to not fall asleep
-Incredible euphoria
When I peaked on it i'd go into the bathroom to take the usuall **** after drinking so much and look into the mirror and feel perfect. I felt like as if nothing could make my day go bad and that I was ready for anything.
The next morning i would feel like complete crap, hung over even worse than just drinking because cocaine dehydrates you, or at least it does for me. I'd wake up on the couch and see a couple undone lines on the table besides me from everyone else and the straw we used to snort it up. Made me want to puke, couldn't even look at it the day after.
I'd go home on the train back to my house and I felt as if everyone was looking at me, looking at me in disgust. I couldn't close my eyes to ignore the passengers because I was still racing, so I had the feeling that people were watching me, I was completley paranoid. Worst feeling ever was that train ride home every saturday morning.
Sometimes I'd get depressed the next day, look at my life and all my bills, still living with my dad at 25 thinking what the hell was wrong with me. Wondering why I'm still working as a computer tech when i could be going back to school to get that diploma that I'm 40 credits shy of... For the next year and a half I would do it almost every time we hung out, pretty much every weekend.
Now when I have some leftover from my 60$ purchase, i'd save it for a wed or a tues night and do a few lines. When i started to shake a little because it was hitting me hard, i'd just do more. Next day I'd just goto work and think about friday
Friday would come and i'd be doing it again.
Me and my buddy, he's way more addicted than me, had a new years resolution this year not to use. We were 2 weeks clean when he came over one night while we were partying with just booze and no coke. He sat down beside us and broke out three 60$ bags... I remember thinking how sincere he sounded when he wanted to quit, and how I really wanted to as well, and here are my friends doing it in front of me and how could I not? I got right in there as well....
I know if I really talk to my one step brother he would probably quit with me, but its soo damn easy to get cocaine in this city, and every party we hit, it seems to be there.
I don't want to turn into a junky that you see on the streets shaking and collecting damn cigarette butts..
Not to sure what to do...
I appreciate anyone reading this, it feels good to actually tell people what I have never told anyone...
I feel that I am almost completley addicted...
I started using drugs when i was 13, just weed at the time, and very very far from frequent use. As I got older I stopped doing any form of drug until I was about 22 when i got into my first big relationship. I had my first drink at that point and have been partying ever since, I couldn't believe that i was missing out on sooooo much fun all those years growing up and now I was just begining to experience it.
A year later I was dumped and in a sling of depression because I was completley whipped by this woman, in turn I went to pot and partying. Every friday and saturday night me and my buddys would hotbox the car and get just downright slammed. We'd be on the c-train throwing bottles, or trying to pick up girls, just acting like complete asses, but I was having the time of my life.
About two years ago I started hanging out with my step brothers for the first time in 10 years. When I first met them they were hardcore partyers and at the time I didn't care for it at all, but upon getting back in contact with them times had changed and we had a night out at the bar. Since then I have been hanging out with them almost every friday partying it up.
About a year ago I found that the youngest of my step brothers was doing cocaine, and that him and my other step brother would go off into a seperate room to do it when we were with a group of people. Eventually I got curious and wanted to try it, they didn't let me but I persisted and one night they let me do a line. I didn't feel anything.
The next time we did coke I did two larger rails, and this time I felt it and I loved the feeling.
The coke kept me up, we could party hard until 5 or 6, sometimes 10 in the morning because you don't get sleepy. I enjoyed it immensly.
The best feelings about using cocaine were
-Increased alertness
-Ability to not fall asleep
-Incredible euphoria
When I peaked on it i'd go into the bathroom to take the usuall **** after drinking so much and look into the mirror and feel perfect. I felt like as if nothing could make my day go bad and that I was ready for anything.
The next morning i would feel like complete crap, hung over even worse than just drinking because cocaine dehydrates you, or at least it does for me. I'd wake up on the couch and see a couple undone lines on the table besides me from everyone else and the straw we used to snort it up. Made me want to puke, couldn't even look at it the day after.
I'd go home on the train back to my house and I felt as if everyone was looking at me, looking at me in disgust. I couldn't close my eyes to ignore the passengers because I was still racing, so I had the feeling that people were watching me, I was completley paranoid. Worst feeling ever was that train ride home every saturday morning.
Sometimes I'd get depressed the next day, look at my life and all my bills, still living with my dad at 25 thinking what the hell was wrong with me. Wondering why I'm still working as a computer tech when i could be going back to school to get that diploma that I'm 40 credits shy of... For the next year and a half I would do it almost every time we hung out, pretty much every weekend.
Now when I have some leftover from my 60$ purchase, i'd save it for a wed or a tues night and do a few lines. When i started to shake a little because it was hitting me hard, i'd just do more. Next day I'd just goto work and think about friday
Friday would come and i'd be doing it again.
Me and my buddy, he's way more addicted than me, had a new years resolution this year not to use. We were 2 weeks clean when he came over one night while we were partying with just booze and no coke. He sat down beside us and broke out three 60$ bags... I remember thinking how sincere he sounded when he wanted to quit, and how I really wanted to as well, and here are my friends doing it in front of me and how could I not? I got right in there as well....
I know if I really talk to my one step brother he would probably quit with me, but its soo damn easy to get cocaine in this city, and every party we hit, it seems to be there.
I don't want to turn into a junky that you see on the streets shaking and collecting damn cigarette butts..
Not to sure what to do...
I appreciate anyone reading this, it feels good to actually tell people what I have never told anyone...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 4
Reading some other threads here for the past half hour its very clear to me that this place is extremley helpfull.
I've so far read stories about people going through withdrawl, people who have been clean for 8 months and have just now screwed up again and relapsed... All kinds of crys for help, and every single one of them has been answered with a friendly gesture and words of support. Its invaluable
Everybody here just wants to help everyone else, its amazing.
Thank you for your reply pilgrim
I've so far read stories about people going through withdrawl, people who have been clean for 8 months and have just now screwed up again and relapsed... All kinds of crys for help, and every single one of them has been answered with a friendly gesture and words of support. Its invaluable
Everybody here just wants to help everyone else, its amazing.
Thank you for your reply pilgrim
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Tony barrett 
Sometimes i wonder whats an addiction? The drug or the lifestyle? when is it you want cocaine most?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Brighton
Posts: 8
I have similar problems with coke but never seem to need it when alone.It scares me when i try to imagine going out without it, it would seem so boring without it and would play on my mind until i'v got it. I really wish id never started because i can't imagine going out and having a great night without it!. I know it has to stop as it gets harder to cope with the longer it goes on but like you probably know how can i enjoy a good night just drinking or even being sober?
Hope you get through your troubles as you can be a great role model for your friends if you stop as it may make them all reflect on themselves as that is what a close friend of mine made me do when he quit.
But i'm no where near recoverd but i'll pray you get through it, goodluck.
Hope you get through your troubles as you can be a great role model for your friends if you stop as it may make them all reflect on themselves as that is what a close friend of mine made me do when he quit.
But i'm no where near recoverd but i'll pray you get through it, goodluck.
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