Mattcake

Thanks for a great post Joanie, it really helped me at this point - day 9, not exactly thrilled right now.

Toomutch, I hope you've managed to relax a bit. Take it one second at a time.

Matt

Toomutch

IQ,

He has always liked to be in control. He tried to control how much I drank, hense the hidden vodka bottles throughout the house. (Now dumped). He just wants to fix me and he can't. I wish he could, then we would all be happy. I love him and know he is trying the best way he knows how, and I should appriciate that, I'm hoping in time I wiil.

warrens

Well, it sounds like you have one hurdle completed. That's good!

The dynamics of every relationship/family are completely different and unique. Thus no one can give you a prescription.

I would guess that some of the available tools might depend on finances. Mutual counseling, inpatient treatment, etc. I am quite positive that a counselor would "educate" hubby regarding the seriousness of things.

My case and my case only: I returned from treatment (5 years ago) a far stronger man than the one who left. Always strong in my professional life, at home I was "Dad the guy who drinks and falls asleep." Sometimes families get used to one of them being the "weak" one. The one who bears the guilt of all and is thus, easy to "push around."

So, when all of a sudden, the weak one asserts herself, it is quite a shock indeed. Throws the established family dynamics for a loop. All of a sudden they have to adapt to something new. And while my ex supported me, she is well, ex. Couldn't handle the new, improved formula. It was easier for my kids, as they were off at college. They now appreciate who I am.


Our recovery is so fragile at this point. Mine is cake compared to your circumstances. Perhaps your husband may make decisions. But for you? Think about that one. You have recently made the decision of your life. Huge. You may be powerless over alcohol, but you strike me as a very powerful woman considering the decision you just made.

As you recover, your brain will begin to rewire. I know mine sure is. M'lady and I have had some serious conversation about that. I've told her that she may not like some of the changes coming. She may find the "real me," the sober me, a little difficult to get used to. A guy that not only loves her, but loves himself as well.

Also, I've said a few things lately to M'lady that I flat out didn't mean. It was the "willies" talking and not me. It scared me and her. I apologized over and over. She said she didn't "understand." I said, "Thank god for that!" That's why I am here, for people who understand. I told her that I don't expect her to understand. What I want, what I really want is her ACCEPTANCE. Of me and the work I'm trying to do for me. I'm not doing it for her, or for my kids, but for me. And if I am successful there is going to be a far better me to love. And that is the best of all possible outcomes.

I am gifted with my family (even my ex has been calling and supportive) and my Love. It makes it so much easier. I hope that somehow, you can enjoy that gift.

You go, girl!

warrens

GoldenGirl

Hey Toomuch,
Just wanted to echo all that has been said. I'm so glad that this forum is here. My partner has been wonderful but still can't really understand.
Warrens your description of the family dynamics was spot on!!!
Toomuch just be gentle on yourself...somehow getting to the place of acceptance that people WON'T understand can be helpful. It's like you can give them some grace about that...but still come here and vent the frustration and rage that they don't! We have to be the ones that sort out our boundaries.
This is all new to me, I'm on day 7,
Take care,
GG

Ps Matt..hope you are doing okay today

Dee74

ME TOO! LOL

And being a man, I empathise with wanting to 'fix' someone I love who's in pain...been there, done that...a few times (and not usually very well).

I get it now tho - from both sides of the fence - the only one who can fix you...is you.

There are other important supportive roles to play tho - I hope Hubby works that out soon enough, too

D

resentful wife

TOOMUCH, IMHO If you were doing all of the things that they are asking of you now, while you were drinking and they know that you are working on recovery, the only thing that they expect to be different is you being sober.
Maybe sit down and have a family meeting so everyone hears the same message and explain that your trying and its a daily struggle and that you can use their help to get thru it.Maybe tell hubby that you'll need his support and help in the days to come. Only you know what direction you want to go in,and being sober and all the decisions (Determination; firmness of mind) in that regard must be yours.
Linda

Toomutch

I just wanted to share with all of you my positive mood today. Nobody's on my nerves, in fact I am probably on their nerves. Once again thanks for the caring and support.

Jersey Nonny

I would particularly suggest closed Women's Meetings. There, you'll be told "It's a selfish program," meaning your sobriety must come first and foremost above all else...because without sobriety, you'll most likely lose everything else that matters to you.

At least, if you can spend one hour at a meeting, you'll have that much space away from the responsibilities and demands of family.

Mattcake

That's amazing toomutch, funny the way our moods seem to swing. Right now mine are so unpredictable that they're almost predictable, if that makes any sense. I guess anything is better than being a zonked out zombie. Really happy for you, make the best of it

Matt

warrens

TooMutch

Jersey Nonny's post would seem to be a great bit of "advice." Kinda distills things. I hope it is something you'll consider and can perhaps pull off.

Remember feeling good today all week.

warrens

resistra

Next time they want to play 'lets bug the **** outta mom' thing, just grab your purse and tell them you're going shopping for new underwear and other things and they'll probably leave you alone!

Toomutch

You're Absolutely right Resitra lol. Especially my teenage boys. AWKWARD!:a:wtf2

warrens

Resistra

Great! I was about to reply with one of my favorite sayings "Too much!"

But, something seemed awkward about that for some reason. Oh, I got it...

Seriously funny and singularly effective bit of advice, however. Brilliant.

warrens

IO Storm

So glad you are feeling better toomutch!!!!!

Toomutch

Hi Guys and Gals. I'm having another great day despite the fact that a car smashed into my house yesterday. The next door neighbors Grandmother while in our drivway for what ever reason, threw her car into reverse and whent throygh the garage door. The garage door hit the front of my toy "mazda Miada" and smashed the Miada into our brand new big screen television that has been in the garage as we are finishing our basement. The t.v. is still in the box, and the box is buckled in half. The pressure from all that may have caused structural damage to the house. we dont know yet. It is a blessing that she was not hurt at all, and that nobody was in the garage at the time.
I am so grateful that I don't feel like drinking, well not that much anyway.
Just wanted to share

warrens

Holy smokes TM! Was she drinking? <grin>

Sounds like you're handling it well...

warrens

adore79

Yeah TM, that sucks big time. Thinking of you.

Toomutch

Today was another interesting one. I felt really tired yesterday, could hardly keep my eyes open. My eyes were feeling strange and I knew something was wrong. Well I woke up this morning with shingles starting on my nose. They are vey painful and not to mention, unsightly. I feel as if I am repeatedly being tested, but I will not cave in, I will remain sober.

Lv you guys,
Toomutch

Mattcake

Toomutch, I'm sorry to hear that. But I like your attitude Hope they clear up soon.

Take care,

Matt

warrens

TM

Oooh, painful. I'm sorry.

But your attitude over the past couple of horrendous days I must say is magnificent.!

"These are the times that try (wo)men's souls..."

You go, girl!

warrens