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DAMN IT! One Week Down the Drain

Old 03-01-2008, 01:22 PM
  # 81 (permalink)  
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Let me elaborate my treatment plans a little. When I was going to the methadone clinic, as part of my treatment I had to see a counselor once a week for an hour. Warren, it was a man about your age whom I enjoyed speaking with. As generally happens when I find a "professional" that I like, we ended up just having friendly chats instead of working on any of my personal issues. The 2nd time I started going to the methadone clinic I made the "mistake" of revealing everything that I was thinking about. I already knew to never mention anything concerning self harm so I never do. However, apparently what I said concerned him enough to tell the clinic director and ultimately the clinic owner. They requested I have a psychological evaluation performed by a MD. I refused and as a result they revoked my take-home privileges and gave me a deadline by which time I must have had the evaluation performed. So, I quit going.
The day I had shared my deeper feelings on certain subjects, my counselor recommended a friend of his who's a psych MD trained to deal with addiction.
I remembered this guy yesterday and called him and was surprised to learn that he is licensed to prescribe buprenorphine. I got his voice email and left him a message but didn't hear from him. Just listening to his voice though, I got a good feeling about him. Now, I'm kind of letting fade decide this. If I can get a hold of him and he's accepting new patients, I shall go that route. If he is not excepting new patients however, I'll wait to see how I feel on Thursday before going to this other doctor that I'm not too crazy about. For a doctor to become licensed to prescribe buprenorphine for addiction they only have to take an eight hour course. They don't actually have to know anything about addiction or the psychology surrounding it. As was the case with the first burpenorphine I saw. She was an osteopathic doctor that knew only what that eight hour course taught her about addiction which from my personal experience was virtually nil.
What ever problems that I'm having searching for a HP, for me, is separate from my road to recovery......
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Old 03-01-2008, 05:06 PM
  # 82 (permalink)  
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I'm glad we got this thread back on track.

SD, I'm glad to hear you're taking action. Good for you!
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Old 03-01-2008, 06:50 PM
  # 83 (permalink)  
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Insight, Catalyst?

Time for me to be honest about something else.....

I took my "last" dose of buprenorphine yesterday morning and contradicting the factual half life of the drug, I'm starting to experience withdrawal again. Supposedly I should have been ok until tomorrow but I guess that's irrelevant at this point. Here come the oh so familiar hot flashes. My stomach is starting to hurt, all that fun stuff. I have to get this out, it hurts too much.

I took a drive today to try and relax. I listened to my favorite music while staring at the sky. The sun was starting to go down and sky was turning purple and red. Such a beautiful sight. I drove down a main drag where all sorts of restaurants and bars are located. I looked at those people smiling and laughing and wished I could feel close to someone again. My thoughts turned back to when something changed in me. Up to a point I had friends, was social, and though an active addict, I found a relative happiness. I had fantasies come become reality. From 7 of '04 to 12 of '04 things got better and better and finally peaked right before christmas. I was single and started hanging out with a women I had gone to middle school and high school with. We had a fling of sorts after high school. I remember thinking then that whoever married this girl was going to be one lucky SOB. Single most beautiful girl in every respect that I have ever encountered. She was a "keeper". She went away to college and I stayed in town. She came back fours years later with an aeronautical engineering compared to my 2.5-3 years of college where I switched my major three times. Anyways, we started hanging out at this point again. She had gotten a good job and bought a house by december. We were hanging out one night and on thing led to another and...........we became deeply and hopelessly in love with each other. Up until this point I felt marriage and lifelong monogamy to be utterly ridiculous concepts. At this point however, I knew there was no one else for me. It would take me pages to explain but we were as perfect for each other as humanly possible.

Right before christmas, she's over at my townhouse and we're snowed in. My roommate is out of town. I remember eating a bowl of Captain Crunch and in mid spoonful turning to her and asking her to marry me. She knocked the bowl out of my hands and well, you know. We planned to elope and get married on the island of Cyprus. The next two and a half months were the happiest of my life. I felt optimism for the first time. Our friends got mad at us because all we liked to do was lie in bed and hold each other. We would spend entire weekends listening to music and cuddling. Happiness doesn't describe. I felt that I had found my spiritual home. Drugs meant nothing to me (though I still had to use to keep from getting dope-sick). I hid this fact until February when I told her I was starting the methadone clinic to get clean. She was happy about this.


A week later was the last time that I saw her.


I realized today that I had always blamed the methadone for making me numb. That event in February made me numb but the methadone kept me numb. I didn't cry, didn't talk about, and have completely ignored the memory that event. I have effectively repressed that 2 and a half month video and have inadvertently been suffering the consequence for three years. I've been unknowingly transferring that pain to every facet of my life. I was too stupid until now to realize that that is why I no longer like being around people.

Even though I've come to this realization, I'm not sure how to change it. This is not drug related trauma.

I'm so tired of this.
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Old 03-01-2008, 07:21 PM
  # 84 (permalink)  
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Good for you, SD.

I disagree however, that stuff like this is unrelated. It is all related.

Addiction cause this hopelessly tangled mess of fishing line that has no beginning and no end. Trying to untangle it only tangles it more. At some point we must simply cut the mess and throw it away. Respool our reels because it is not only futile, but counterproductive to sort it out.

There are those in AA who say that addiction, recovery, and new relationships are incompatible. I tend to agree. I also agree that she made the best choice-for her. Smart kid.

Two years divorced and three years sober I embarked on a new relationship. Too soon, in retrospect. But I got lucky. For every rule there is an exception and I have one incredible woman who is now going through some stuff that she did not deserve. But she is up to the task as long as I am. Anyone know what gratitude is?

Aside from her, I too have been an isolate. Drank alone, bore my shame and guilt alone. In the past few weeks I have taken some big risks, however. I have reached out. And it paid off. So many are holding my hand now. It will take me a while, but I will never return to my cave. Earlier this week I stumbled onto a belief of mine. Came from writing here. Suddenly I thought, "When we become lovable, we will be loved." I really believe this and I hope you can too. Right now you are lovable to us drunks. Get past your "stuff" and the rest of the world will cease to fear you. They will see who you are.

By letting go of that sadness and pain, even in cyberspace, you have accomplished much. My kids have suffered through various love affairs. I would tell them, "The price of love is ALWAYS pain." If nothing else, death will claim one. But true love is worth that pain. It is always worth it to try for love.

Come to think of it, recovery is always worth the pain. Makes us lovable. This may the wrong night for you to believe that, but perhaps you can "vision it." At the young age of 30 you could be on the Isle of Cyprus with your love. Could happen, you know.

Have a brave evening, my friend. I send you all my strength.

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