Hi everyone - no thunderbolt

Old 02-22-2008, 03:25 PM
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Hi everyone - no thunderbolt

Hi All,

Name's Matt, I've been a drinker for almost 10 years - since I was 18. To make a tedious story short, I've finally decided to clean up after years of slowly spiralling downwards.

I always thought of alcoholics as "them", not like a condition that could easily happen to me. But to my growing horror, a few years ago it began dawning on me that I did indeed have a problem. Binge drinking, social withdrawal, mental health issues (depression and anxiety disorders), going from straight-A student to someone who can barely complete a college course... etc. I tried to quit so many times, -months at a time -but never followed through.

What is most baffling to me is the fact that I always expected a thunderbolt, the famous rock bottom to strike so that I could open my eyes. But - if it happened - I never registered it. Not even when I almost burned down my house a few months ago cos I left a meal in the oven and proceeded to pass out for 5 hours, waking up to a smoke filled apartment (I could have died! ). I just shrugged my shoulders, opened the windows and scrubbed the whole place with bleach, and kept on drinking.

The eye-opener came yesterday as I sat by the window, staring at the rain: surveying the mess my life really is, and knowing deep down that I don't want this anymore. It was self-honesty. I cried a bit, I'm not used to feeling much of anything anymore, so this was a shock too. So when I went to the grocery store I picked a lot of Kool Aid instead of wine. Today, despite the beginning of withdrawal, I feel blessed. I'm not saying I'll never drink again, but I'm praying that will be the case.

Best to you all, thanks for reading

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Old 02-22-2008, 03:29 PM
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Hi Matt..Glad you are here.
Yea no dramatics here either. Just sick and tired of it all and knowing the next step for me would be to lose my family.
Hope to see more of you.
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Old 02-22-2008, 03:42 PM
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Hi Matt,
Glad you made it in.

Personally i dont believe in rock bottoms anyway. There are always more rock bottoms and worst places to go. It is such a relative term too. What was worse getting almost beaten close to death by some guy i owed a bag too or nodding out during my young son's school play? I know which causes me most misery when i think back to it.

For me it was much like you one day i knew in my core that i couldnt do this anymore. Even then it took me a little time to get there but once i had that feeling in my core i didnt lose it. I knew without a doubt. I am now around 5yrs clean and sober.

Well done on picking the Kool Aid. That is amazing achievement.

Stick around.

Warm Regards
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Old 02-22-2008, 04:00 PM
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Just last week I was at a meeting and an older guy who I know had even been in an asylum at one time spoke to the group. The previous speaker had been young and went through his drinking history without any mention of handcuffs or prison so the old guy was just reminding the rest of us that if we don't think our drunkalog is shocking CAN get there. If you want to find the bottom... it's there and you can do it! We all got a good laugh out of it but we all got his point.
Some of us were fortunate enough to recognize the out of control train before it crashed and are grateful and thankful for having that moment of clarity at the right time. Thanks to some Angel.
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Old 02-22-2008, 04:10 PM
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Sportster, I guess I know what you mean. Just going through my own drunkalog makes me cringe, knowing I've amassed quite a bit of shuddering messups without yet having hit 30 (the biggest ones probably involve having drunken sex with drunken strangers then having to wait for blood work to come out right - talk about sobering reality, though it wasn't enough at the time).
But, yeah, there is no Top Ten Chart when it comes to rock bottom. Just knowing it could have been so much worse makes me feel humbled and blessed. Good news is there's also the possibility of it getting sooo much better - I don't know that right now, but I'm hoping.
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Old 02-22-2008, 04:22 PM
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Hi and welcome to SR matt.

I am glad you found us. You CAN do it.
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Old 02-22-2008, 04:39 PM
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I'm glad you are here. Yes, it can get a whole lot worse if you continue to drink. But the good news is by stopping drinking, it can and will get better. It will get different before it gets better but the best is yet to be.

Nothing really huge happened for me, no arrests or anything like that. However, one day I became surer than sure that if I continued my drinking, I'd be going to jail or worse. It was impending unless I stopped. It is the progressive nature of the beast to get worse, never better.

You are very blessed to realize that your drinking is causing you problems and are taking action to do something about it.

Stick around!
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Old 02-22-2008, 10:09 PM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
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Hi Matt..

Depression is why I began AA recovery.
I still had all the trimmings of prosperity
but my mind became saturated with a toxin...alcohol.

You too can find a healthy sober future
Welcome to SR!
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Old 02-22-2008, 11:28 PM
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Hi Matt,

Thanks for the post. It really meant a lot to me and I know for a lot of others on here.

I really responded to what you said about staring out the window and seeing your life and what you want to change. Just making the decision for a change is a huge step.

Re: Rock bottom. I hit a bottom, but not rock. That said, like so many others, I looked down and could see the rock not far below. People who've hit the rock often say that those last few feet came fast on. Like you, I'm starting to swim upwards.

I'm on day four. I had an up and down day, but that said, I feel so much better than day one. My advice: Just keep coming back here. Read posts. Keep posts. Make friends. SR is really a wonderful support system, and know I would never have begun my journey without them. I did get 40 days, but then relapsed. Instead of hanging my head too low, people here said "Those 40 days will always be yours. Never lost. Now get up and walk with us."

So, come back. Walk with us, no matter what state you're in. You're always welcome here. You're never completely lost as long as you're here.

Thanks again for the post. It is very helpful to my sobriety to read it and respond.

Rock on,
-- NM
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Old 02-22-2008, 11:30 PM
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And join us at the Two Week and Under and Less than Three Months Threads. I've found them to be amazingly helpful.
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Old 02-23-2008, 04:21 AM
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Hi Matt,
Wow. Your post really brought me back. I had flunked out of school in my late twenties (10 years of college - wasted! - Animal House) and basically sat around getting wrecked with nothing going on. It was awful. Unlike you, I did nothing about it. There were 8 more years of misery waiting for me. I wouldn't wish those years on anyone.
Go for it, Matt. There's a lot of living to be done out there. Get sober, go back to school, live life! Hope to here more from you. I'm sober 12 years now and life is good!
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Old 02-23-2008, 07:14 AM
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Hi Matt, Welcome to SR and thanks for posting! Your post was great to read...self honesty and some tears can be the beginning of the healing process for you.

I, too, never hit a "so-called" rock bottom, but like NM said, I could see oblivion not too far in the future. We were preparing to go on a family vacation, and I thought I just want to remember this, I want to see the looks on my kids faces when they are playing in the ocean waves, I want to see my husband relaxed and happy (he has a very stressful job), and, I WANT TO BE PART OF IT and REMEMBER IT! I knew if I didn't do it then, I would just drift farther and farther away from my family...and to me, that is more of a "rock bottom" than jail or fines or whatever else. So, maybe, I pray, you've hit a "bottom" for you, and that you will stick around here with us, helping us all get and stay sober.

Welcome, Matt.
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Old 02-23-2008, 08:08 AM
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Hi Matt;
They say your bottom just keeps getting lower and lower. So even if you do hit your 'rock bottom', there's always further down to go. That's what has happened to me. I SWORE I wouldn't drink anymore if/when this or that happened....eventually it did happen....and eventually I picked up again. Then I would set another bottom, and another and another.
I quit this time before hitting another bottom, because I knew the next bottom was going to be really bad, and I couldn't live with it.
Please don't wait until you hit bottom after bottom before you decide to make your life better. You've got NOTHING to gain in doing that, and EVERYTHING to lose.
Stick around, there are a lot of good people here to help you.
All the best.
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Old 02-23-2008, 08:24 AM
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Welcome Matt to SR.
I had plenty of moments when i should have quit and didn't( stomach pump, blackouts, nights in cells and nearly burning down my house as well). Finally there was no thunderbolt for me either, i was just totally exhausted and hated myself.
Best wishes to you Matt, plenty of friendly folk here for you.
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Old 02-23-2008, 10:01 AM
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Thank you everyone for the encouragement, it means a lot. It has just dawned on me that this is the most important thing I could ever do for myself. And I'm actually doing it! One small - priceless- moment at a time.
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Old 02-23-2008, 10:46 AM
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Welcome. I'm new here, too. This place has been my "life" (aside from work) for the past seven days. Seven days without alcohol. "Bottom" is relative, I guess. Dpends on your frame of reference. I may get criticized for this, but one problem I have with AA is the focus on the completely out of control drunk who has nothing else to lose but his/her life.

To me, bottom is losing ANYTHING to alcohol. Could be time, a relationship, self esteem, control over one's decision making process, ad infinitum. We all lose something. Many of us wish that the first 2x4 over the head was sufficient.

Each of us has a cellar of no return, I think. Perhaps each of us has a staircase of varying lengths. If we were smart, one step down would be enough. But we seem to be more curious than the average person. What's down there? Certain doom? How close can I get.

I want to be afraid, real afraid. I wish to give up my courage and curiosity when it comes to that cellar. Let it be. Fill it with cement.

I think each of us here are somewhere on that staircase, trying to turn around and climb our way out. I don't know how many stairs are left and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. I just want to be heading up and outta there. Can't see what is behind me. Perhaps something is following me. But, like a kid with his head under the covers, I do not want to. I'm scared and I want outta there.

So welcome! I'm the last person to give anyone advice. But one small thing about your post did disturb me. Because it reminds me so much of me several years ago. "I don't know whether I will drink again." Hmmm. That may work for you. It happens, I suppose. Sure didn't happen for me. That curiosity took me down several stairs, never any up. I wanted to clean up and be "normal" so bad. Well, I'm not normal. Never will be. Might be a question for you to ponder.

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Old 02-23-2008, 10:54 AM
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Hi Matt, welcome!

I can relate. I went through years of those 'minor' mess ups (waking up wondering who this person in my bed is? And like you, why didn't that fear while waiting for blood work results wake me up?). Until a little over a month ago, when I got my first DUI. That really woke me up and helped me to connect the dots of the past. Not quite a thunderbolt, but definitely a big slap in the face from my HP.

The best of luck to you, and I hope you stick around. This place is wonderful!
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Old 02-23-2008, 11:05 AM
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matt, welcome to the family!

and yes, you are blessed!

good wishes our friend!

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Old 02-23-2008, 11:22 AM
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Hi warrens, thanks for the encouragement. I liked your staircase analogy. First thing that comes to mind is "curiosity killed the cat", lol.

Originally Posted by warrens View Post
But one small thing about your post did disturb me. Because it reminds me so much of me several years ago. "I don't know whether I will drink again." Hmmm. That may work for you. It happens, I suppose. Sure didn't happen for me. warrens
This is a tough one. I was trying to convey the humility I feel, the fact that I don't have a crystal ball and can't control everything. But in no way am I implying that drinking again is in my plans. At this point, I'm not even thinking about not drinking today; I'm focusing on the fact that I'm not drinking *now*. Not sure if that came out quite right, but I definitely understand what you mean. Thanks for your support.
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Old 02-23-2008, 03:52 PM
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everything is already ok
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Hi and welcome to SR I smiled when I read about the lack of a thunderbolt. I was all prepared for the ticker tape poarade when I quit using. What I got is freedom, freedom oh freedom.

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