stone

I first slipped on 6 months sober (Jan 1, the anniversary), drank 1 day. After that I am not sure, but I had a few 1-2 nights of drinking then last time which went on for about 5-6 days. That ended 3 days ago.

This has to stop now, so that's why I am posting this. I am still not thinking entirely straight but I think these things 'caused it'.

Isolation and living inside my own head, leading to old resentments coming back. Stopped living in today.

Fear of success, or not believing I could really make it. Self-sabotage.

A kind of masochism/need for drama.

I am not going to sit here analysing myself because that takes me back into my head, I am going to a meeting tonight instead.

I just wanted this 'out there', no more secrets, and to thank all who supported me through it.

Dee74

Good for you, Paul. Getting it all out there is a positive step.

I'm gonna stick my oar in tho - I think it needs analysis mate - you need to really work out why you stumbled more than once and learn from it - there's no point in any of us ignoring or dismissing or glossing over relapses. It hurts a bit but it needs to be done IMO.

But by all means avoid self-obsession - talk it over with some of those AA dudes mate. That's a smart move.

Dont let this happen again, Stone - you've got a lot to offer.

I'm glad you're back, mate
D

gypsytears

Well done Stoney . It's very courageous to confess and move past a slip. More so, to get your ass to that meeting! Very proud of you.

stone

Thanks guys. I agree with you Dee, analysis is needed. I will be doing that as best I can. Just no more today.

best

Meetings and step work will help in that area greatly.
As for fear of success... I find it was more of not feeling worthy enough to accept the good life. Again..step work helps that as well.

Remove the alcohol, work the steps to dump the added baggage and what we see in the mirror is an ok person... least that is what I found...someone I can live with.
Step work is like taking a real long shower...you come out clean and acceptable to yourself and others.

nogard

Good onya stone my tuppence worth is, focus on your program and getting well, that the whole program, step work, sponsor, meetings, service, reading and getting closer to the God of your understanding.

Kevin

stone

Yes. Thanks Best.

Thanks Kev, it seems to work doesnt it?

29a

I agree with best. If I just quit drinking and didn't move through the steps I would be insane. I'd be better off drunk. The obsession was lifted for me after my 5th step. You mentioned secrets. The 5th is where I lightened my load.

nogard

It sure does and I simply accept that it works and try to live the program

You got great advice here from everyone, best always touches the point and your mate Dee is always is on track as are all the others.

Kevin

Rella927

Stoney I'm so very proud of you for taking this step of honesty-

Learning lessons is the fertilizer of our "growth"-Believe in yourself as we all believe in you Paul. When we work our own programs-whatever they maybe it is then we find ourselves and know that we are worth a lot in our lives-the success, the happiness of life and just being!

When days come that are filled with frustration and unexpected responsibilities, remember to believe in yourself and all you want your life to be, because the challenges and changes will only help you to find the dreams that you know are meant to come true for you and you are so deserving of Paul!

Know that you are loved and we are all behind you 100%-even if we have to kick you in your arse!

Love ya Stoney!

parentrecovers

hey stone, thanks for sharing. hugs, k

Rowan

Thanks for your honesty, Paul. I'm proud of you. Welcome back

Get ready for a life way beyond your wildest dreams.

tanyapmc

Paul. I know it is difficult to tell us that. I have found that I am only as sick as my secrets. I choose not to have any today. They hold me hostage.

I am SO glad your going to a meeting. Isolation was a killer for me.

Keep talking about it.

We Lurve you.

theonlyway

Stone, I want to thank you for your courage and honsty...

It didn't take being on this board for long before I could see and feel the love people here have for you -- and yours for them -- and that was a huge part of why I stayed that first day.

I have a daily premonition of my fall. I am currently at my best friend's house (my computer is still on the fritz) and I can hear, LOUD AND CLEAR, the $70 bottle of wine I bought her for Christmas SHOUTING my name...

We were going to share it and celebrate AFTER the hustle bustle of the holidays slowed down. And by the time I settled down, I had "quit"... So, here it still sits. It's hers... but was supposed to be "ours"...

YOUR STORY, along with so many, has reaffirmed TODAY, that that bottle will not win. I find strength and inspiration in your conviction and courage. THaNK YOU for giving me this gift.

~C

WLDKATZ

Paul, I dont know what to say other than I am glad you are aware of you. Some times true times of self discovery is harder to handle then what/ how we handled it in the start. I am glad you are honest enough with yourself that you know when to pull away and be safe, self discovery I believe should be a trip taken with ppl close to you just so those problems do not arise again.

Alas more than that, you ARE human and are ALL falible ( think I spelled that wrong), its the brushing yourself off part that is the hardest step, sometimes it is easier to leave the dust there eh???? I am glad to see you back at being our Stoney again though.....good luck honey!!!


Love, Prayers and all my heart felt support!

Pamm

Anna

Paul, it sounds like you know what happened and it sounds like you're ready to move forward.

CarolD

Good to know you are planning a fresh start!
:hug;

stone

Thanks everyone, as well as going back to AA I am going to try keeping a journal of my thoughts (private one).

Thanks all! 8

theonlyway

Awesome idea Paul...

I keep "saying" (to myself...) that I'll do that. And I've even *started* a time or two...

Yet somehow, after the first day or two, I decide that I'm not ready to "be there" (in my head, I suppose??)

Best of luck........

~C

parentrecovers

i journal, stone. have done so for years. helps me.