warrens

Hey lady!

Didn't realize I was exchanging with a female until I looked at your profile. I find your picture wonderful, too. Please, do not take that in a weird way.

Sometimes it is interesting to put a physical persona to the spiritual persona. Like a radio personality I guess.

In your case it was significant because you present as an attractive, vibrant, intelligent, woman who could be anyone you meet. A college professor, a doctor, an attorney, etc. Why didn't I say barmaid? Well, you could be that as well, but society sees all of us as something like that.

I'm trying to fight my way out of a corner of condescension here, because I mean precisely the opposite. Doctors are among the greatest abusers of alcohol and prescription meds, but society wouldn't think of their doctor when either is discussed.

When I was in treatment about 6 years ago I was astonished. It wasn't a street clinic, but it wasn't Betty Ford, either. At least half the people looked like country club types! And some of them were meth users. This stuff cuts across every social pigeonhole, boundary, everything.

So, TOW, thanks for being there. Your words are especially welcome and nourishing. I truly hope you and your man are thriving. It makes me wonder if it is easier or more difficult when two are facing the demon at the same time. do you face it as one? Are you able to find synchronicity? When you're both up it must be wonderful, but when you are both white knuckling it? I'm not sure I'd want to be there.

In my own relationship, I am fighting narcissm. M'lady muttered something under her breath the other day-barely audible. "This isn't just all about you," she said. It hit me like a brick and I dwelled upon it for hours. I then brought it up to her. I wanted to tell her how right she was. Guess what? She couldn't recall having said it! Now, I know what I heard. It was just a flippant comment to her I guess. Meaningless muttering. But, to me, it had such meaning it might have been bloody Moses on the mount screaming at me. Go figure...

I hope we can continue to exchange. It is taking me a while to sort out who is who and who said what to me and when. But I do like to respind when someone says something special. And you have.

Be strong and you won't go wrong.

warrens

theonlyway

Hey warrens... I'm just getting caught up here, so Iapologize for the delay. I'm not able to get online every day right now, although I'd like to be. It is what it is.

((((((WARNING, WARNING...... Rant ahead, ....... u may want to consider the BACK button..... )))))))))

Thank you for the compliments and no weird-ness or whatever taken. I am not the doctor or attorney, but neither am I the barmaid (anymore...) I am mom, wife, and currently between employments...

I was not being a good mom, wife, friend, or employee (which was of my own decision to un-become... --although I realize that's not a word, it is now... ) ... and that's a lot of why I'm here. No judge, spouse or anyone else playing HP, just my conscience and MY hp.

As far as working a program with my husband, I'm struggling with that and its a story I'm not sure anyone is up for, .... so ... feel free to skip all this or hit the BACK button and 'move on'.

My husband's program is VERY different than mine... And a big struggle for me right now is REMEMBERING and PRACTICING that knowledge... it's HIS program. The only program I need to be concerned with is MINE.

First of all, his HP is the judge.

Second of all, his alcoholism is much different than mine.
He doesn't have the obsession and/or compulsion to drink. He just has the allergy. He would never say "let's go to the bar" or just stop off to buy alcohol to bring home... at least VERY rarey. BUT -- when he does drink, if he's handed one, or there's an event... he has the black-outs and what not.

This second dui has him going to meetings to get ahead of the judge.

I'm going to meetings to get ahead of that committee in my head that keeps running amuck-- that stinking 'self will run riot', if you will...

Anyhow, this alcoholic mind is frequently irritated with "his program" --although i "know" i have no right and it will come to no good.

(NEED, want, NEED a program....)

So... first, when "I" wanted a meeting back in December (during a 'moment" i was having) --i went online to find them... and called the number... then HE said, how did you find those, I need to go......

i found myself very irritated that I could find them and 'bring it to the table' for myself and he was going to take it -- even THOUGH i didn't really want it... (yes, my alcoholic mind makes SO much sense...) I "gave" it to him and stayed home with the kids -- growling becase he took my meeting, relieved that I wasn't going...

AFter that, he hit about one a week, ... UNTIL -- in January, I had another moment and needed to go... went in, tears on face, pushing my legs through that door... with him almost carrying me. I thank him....

SINCE then -- every time I get ready to go to a meeting (3-5 tmes a week), he gets ready and comes WITH -- (did i mention i NEED a program? ;-))

so... i have this feeling of being 'followed' -- and its awful! he needs it... i'm glad he's getting it... but i'm also irritated because its on my initiative, and the judge's pending demand...

This past week I got my first coin -- 1 month. I struggled through that month, or at least most of it. I was looking FORWARD to and PROUD OF EARNING that coin... I dedicated it to the peope here that held my hand...

After I get my coin, he raises his hand and takes a 3 month coin... He hadn't taken one up til THEN! grrrrrr... (program, program...)

the thing about THAT that is getting under my skin is that he had a glass of eggnog w/ whiskey at christmas w/ his mother... and EVERY Sunday he takes the wine at church (have you read that I'm missing my wine?) -- when I walk past and forego it....... He 'doesn't consider that drinking'... and that's because it didn't (wouldn't) result in a problem for him.

i'm babbling, but I have a point. lol --Kind of..??

No, this program working 'together' is not something I would recommend... I come here, I got the Big Book, I have the meditation books... I read and read and crave the learning... He bought 12 and 12 2 weeks ago and hasn't opened it yet ( I did this week, tho )...

I suppose maybe it's more jealousy that he has someone(s) leading him?? I dont' know...

"...thought we could find an easier softer way..."

I want to learn and grow and intellectualize... He just wants to "be"... and he CAN "be"...

I'm sick... I'm sure of it...

needtobefree

I get isolated too, have been these last few months of break from Uni. I need to get out there and be social, otherwise I just end up even further in the alcohol hole I've dug myself.

I hope you find what you need here Warrens, I've found that it's a great place to be and encouraging that others have walked further in their journeys than me. It keeps me going. :0)

Welcome!

sugErspun

Hey warrens - I have quite enjoyed the thread thus far.

I have a couple of lurking questions in my mind that I was wondering if you would answer (please do not take this as a challange - rather my obscene curiosity rearing it's head).

#1 - How much, How often do you drink? (Or 'did' - when you were active, before seeking 'help' on these boards)
#2 - Why do you want to stop?
#3 - Do you think you have alcoholism? If yes, how are you defining it?
#4 - Do you think that self-knowledge (i.e. self will) can keep you sober if you just 'manage' it properly?

Thanks, and keep on posting.

warrens

#1-Daily. Every Day. 2-4 beers weekdays, 8-10 weekends
#2-More than one reason; first "the hammer"-my 2nd dui;Second it is making my life unmanageable-it is managing me.
#3-Yup. I am poerless not TO drink, but when I drink (I NEVER have 1!).
#4-Not sure what you mean here. I need help, that's why I am here. If you are speaking of managing alcohol, that is SO over. Nary a drop can pass my lips ever again.

Thanks for caring enough to ask. You may wish to read some of my other posts. I've been evolving daily. Hope to hear from you again

warrens

sugErspun

Thanks for the quick reply Warrens,

What I meant on number 4 is: Can you do this alone (stop drinking completely) - I think you admit you have no control over that second drink once you have the first (the AA medical opinion[provided by a non-alcoholic MD that treated drunks] describes this as an allergy which is expressed physically as the phenomenon of craving - once you have alcohol on the body, the body wants more and there is not stopping it - just like people who are allergic to peanuts are powerless over the allergy breakout when they are exposed to peanuts.).

#4 was more ' can you quit on your own, if you just have enough people patting you on the back, life was right, no stress etc etc - or has it been your experience that you will drink no matter what the consequence is surely to be (the second drink).