Dean62

OUCH! Rob I could feel that one. I know exactly how you were feeling. A slave to king alcohol.

We are a slave to this thing Rob. I pray we find freedom together.

Thanks for coming back.

Negative Man

Welcome sportster. And hey y'all! to Gravity, NDZ, Dean, SF69, Barb, theonly, and everyone else.

MayorRob... Thanks for posting about what you're going through. You have not let us down. You can only let us down by not coming back to SR, and guess what: you came here and posted when I bet you didn't feel like it.

Thanks. Thanks for doing that for us. It means so much to me to have a place for you. When I know there's a place for you, I know there's a place for me.

I'm on day 5 now. Going to bed. Feeling really good. I remember 5 days ago. Just get your next day. Good times ahead.

-- NM

timetogiveitup

Hi everyone,

Just thought I'd pop in and give a quick update.

I'm on Day 50 today which has been a pretty fun day. I went for a drive to Mt Baw Baw. It was about 4 degrees celcius (~37 degrees fahrenheit) at the top of the mountain and quite wet but the drive up and down the mountain was thrilling.

I've been attending regular AA meetings (about 4 a week) and I've now got a home group and a sponsor. Both things I kinda did against my will but I feel a sense of relief now that I've decided to make the commitment to AA and sobriety.

I've had some up and down times and it's felt a bit like being on a rollercoaster with these dizzying highs that are followed up by some pretty ordinary lows.

Physically I feel fantastic as I'm back training well in the gym, eating healthy and resting on the weekends so my body's feeling good.

Emotionally I'm feeling better than I was a couple months ago, much of that is due to the support of some great friends, family, AA & SR.

Pschycologically, my mind is still going a million miles an hour but I'm learning how to deal with things without resorting to drinking every week. Drinking never really solved any of my problems in the past but it did give me a period of time where I could blank out my problems. I don't know if that was a good thing but not being able to do that these days has been a bit of a learning curb. My problems are now there 24/7 and I have no where to hide at any time so this has been new to me.

Anyway, hope you are all well and well done to all of you who have busted but are still here trying as hard as ever... You are an inspiration!

Dean62

Sunday February 24. 30 days sober. I can't believe it has gone so well for me. I am grateful for everyone at SR, AA my sponsor and most of all my Father in Heaven. I could not be where I am today at this moment without any one of those components.

I'm not just sober today but I am happy. I have had my moments of depression and cravings but they are nothing to what I was feeling 31 days ago.

Life is good, God is good, today is good.

Love to all :ghug Dean62.

SF69

Way to go Dean! Great job on the 30 Days!

scaredykat

Hi guys, Day 37 for me. I've had a good weekend so far. I wasn't on here yesterday. I was doing some other things I enjoy doing on the computer. i was supposed to go to a birthday party today for my brother-inlaw but my little niece is sick now. So now its canceled until next weekend.

Congratulations time on your 50 days and another congrats to dean on 30 days.

rob- Don't feel like you let any one down. This is a baffling disease. I'm glad your still here with us and trying again. That's the important thing.

take care everyone,
Barb

tellus

Day 43 for me, if I'm counting correctly. After today's meeting I talked to a board member at the local Alano house (the oldest clubhouse in the country, I found out!) about membership and volunteer work there. I'm still not entirely sure what a home group is, but I think mine is the 11am Sunday meeting. Tomorrow I'm going to my meeting early to sit down with the woman I've asked to sponsor me. I've been really emotionally shaky, I need to get a jump-start on working the steps. I've also (at other members' suggestions) started praying in the mornings, though I'm not entirely sure how to pray.

I need to work on cutting my caffeine and sugar consumption, as I can feel it taking the place of my drinking. (e.g. normal people don't hoard sodas and sweets 'in case they run out.')

I'm really grateful to this thread--it's so encouraging to keep up with people in the same place recovery-wise.

Sorry, that was a bit scattered.

Hang in there, all,
Anna

Dean62

In our drinking years we have been numbing our feelings so it is easy to be overwelmed my the flood of emotions we now have to deal with. There are so many ways to pray, mine have changed and evolved with time. Your HP is on your side no matter what. Simply be sincere in your prayers. My stash from last night is gone and I'm craving chocolate right now....... Normal people? lol I missed that bus. Alcohol has a lot of sugar so our bodies are used to it. I guess our bodies crave the sugar, I know I sure do.

Chocolate rules. [Insert candy bar smiley here ---> <---/imaginary candy bar smiley]

nodrinkingzone

Rob - I'm gonna send you a long post now mate, but I'm so glad you came to the computer instead of going back to the store... that's the main thing.

I've had a rough week too, probably has to do with intense uni admin stuff, having my mate staying and drinking too much coffee/ not enough good healthy food. We had a BBQ here on Sunday, and it was a perfect day - sun shining, not a cloud in the sky, listening to reggae/dub music and chilling in the backyard for hours.

I can't tell you how close I came to that beer, but it was pretty damn close, let me tell you... anyway, I didn't drink it cos I didn't want to lose my 70 Days, and have to get up at the meeting and feel embarrassed and ashamed, so I said "I would LOVE a beer... but I'm not gonna have one".

However... I have been smoking dope for the last week. Pretty much every day for 3 days, then I ran out, then I spent a few days trying to get some more, and I bought some yesterday.

I haven't been a heavy smoker for about 6 years, just a once-a-month thing when I get hold of a really excellent movie, that I think will suit being stoned to a T. Last weekend it was Being John Malkovich and Waking Life, and i thought "Man, smoking a doobie before this will rule". Well, it did - I really enjoyed myself, I thought a lot about life and reality and the universe and my place within it, and I recognised a lot of my behaviour for the first time - particularly when i ran out and wanted more the next day.

That was a BIG wake-up - I could see exactly how it cascaded into my old personality - because I didn't really want to go and buy weed, or have the hassle. I was so scared last night coming home, because there are occasionally sniffer dogs on the trains here. I thought "What if I get busted with this weed? Is that my entire career that I'm working for gone? (I can't have a criminal record, particularly with drugs involved)"

And I also know that it's that choice, 'yes' or 'no', so I have to say yes to life and no to smoking joints.

That being said, I had the most amazing day yesterday. This bit is long, but it blew my mind. Pls skip if you don't like long stories I went to buy some hooch from a dude I work with. I knew his Dad was disabled, but not the nature or type of his disability. Turns out he'd had a massive stroke/brain hemorrhage when My mate was about 2 or 3 years old. The stroke was in the left hemisphere, so his motor and language skills were blown out, and he had trouble talking and expressing himself. He also suffered a weird form of tunnel vision, and a few other problems.

Then his best mate came over, and this bloke had had a stroke in the right side of his brain, so his language and motor skills were fine, and he could talk your ear off, but he had other issues with thinking laterally.. he didn't speak so much about what his issues were, probably cos he was an intelligent guy who could still communicate pretty well. At any rate, these two blokes figure they've got one working brain between them so they do everything together - ride their motorised scooters, go shopping, and smoke heaps of bongs every day while watching movies.

It was awesome, they were the funniest dudes - it was a bit frustrating, but still a tops day. When I started talking to them about how I'm studying how languages are processed and how this bloke without any language skills actually thought, it was just incredible. I communicated with him pretty well, through mostly body language and tone/physical gestures, and through some outside awareness or cosmic understanding (HP?) I know that he understood everything I was saying, he just couldn't express himself. More amazing, what really blew me away, was thatI could understand him. He's aware, functional and normal, he just can't express himself. I asked him if it was frustrating, and it just lit him up - he knew that I understood what was going on with him, inside.

It was amazing. I really felt a bond with this man, who only has his creative right-side function operating. So I'm going to pierce his ear for him, cos he used to have it done and he wants one again.

Anyway, I didn't go to my AA meeting last night - first one I've missed, because I was too stoned. That in itself is a sign, and I was very aware of what I felt like last night - it won't happen again. I start back at uni next week, so I will admit to having felt like this is my 'last chance' to kick back and relax before the year explodes into action, but I know that what I should be thinking is 'this is my last chance to do heaps of fun stuff before uni!' and go out and do other things that are more entertaining than sitting at home on my own, smoking joints.

I am not going to reset my sobriety date, because it was always about quitting alcohol for me (even though I identify as an addict), and I haven't touched a drop in 72 Days. But I have learned a great deal about my addictive personality and the behaviour that I exhibit when I'm around substances and whatnot, so that's a good thing - we learn every day, I think, about ourselves - if we stay sober enough to listen.

I know I haven't posted here very often, I get a bit self-conscious about posting here. With my mate around, I don't want to be sitting here writing about my life and my alcoholism, because it's pretty personal to me and he knows what I'm dealing with anyway. It just feels intrusive for both of us, so I'm posting now while he's not here.

Great to see everyone's still getting along, Rob, I'll send that message now buddy. Cheers to everyone else, I hope you're all doing really well!

ndz

gravity

I had a really strange day yesterday. On Friday, I finished my step 4: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves". I was supposed to do the "human being" part of my step 5: "Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs" with my sponsor last night but he had to cancel. I was having a great day and when he cancelled, no problem really or so I thought. At the exact time I was supposed to meet my sponsor (evening), I started feeling really down, mainly about all the hurt I caused others in the past because of my drinking, really beating myself up. Maybe I really was ready to let it all go. I read your post and I thought what the heck - maybe I should pray! After I prayed, there was no thunderbolt & I wasn't instantly dancing around my living room with tears of joy but you know - I did feel so much better in a "this too shall pass" and an "I'm human, I make mistakes" kind of way.

So Anna, thanks for your post! And I agree with Dean about simply being sincere in your prayers. Personally, I find that I need about a minute to focus before I pray - I can't have my mind racing with day to day stuff when I am praying. I also try not to overcomplicate things. My Higher Power is all around & within me and it's more about my thoughts & sincerity, not specific words.

Take it easy! D

Dean62

Way to go gravity! You are doing great! I know you are working a good recovery program because it shows in your posts here at SR.
I love it, thank you for sharing. You have helped me more then you know.

Negative Man

Congratulations on all of the milestones and experiences on here. TimetoGiveItUp, it's great to see you again. And Gravity, I know what you mean about the prayers. I saw someone on here say, "Just ask your HP for help. He/she knows what you need." I've been saying a prayer three times a day for me and two other people.

Day 7 in the bank for me. Rock on.

-- NM

theonlyway

well......... haven't posted in a few daze. But I'm still here! Not without minor scars, but still here... (EDIT -- sorry so long guys.........)

OK -- so, last Thursday night I went to this all women's AA meeting, I mentioned it. When I left, I had this feeling that was almost pity, rather than compassion. I 'KNOW' that isn't what anyone needs, myself included, and I had to work through some of that.

Anyhow... there were a lot of women talking about "why"... you know? Rape, Molestation, Abusive Parents... and also the "what"... --Losing their marriage, their kids, their jobs....

I left with a feeling almost of "these poor women have great reasons for being alcoholic".... I left feeling "INADEQUATE" in my 'justification' for BEING there...

oy vey-- i AM sick.

Anyhow, I struggled with this a bit, but shut it down for the night.

Friday, I was on here posting, feeling strong, feeling confident, proud... Not cocky or superior, don't get me wrong... Just "here".

So, off I go... I pick up my girls from school. The 14 year old (my niece lives with me) says something, I ask her a question, and she SNAPS-- as 14 year olds do... but next, I snapped right along with her. By the time we got home, she stomped into her rooom (good riddance) for a nap.

Something was wrong... with/in me...

I sat on the couch, watching my 9 year old and her friend play and something was DEFINATELY wrong... I picked up my phone and sent out a text to about 6 close friends that are aware of "where I'm at".... saying...

"I do NOT want to drink, but i WANT A DRINK"

I was still in a ticked-off mood at that point... I went to the kitchen to make a tea. That's when the first *ring* started. I sent it to voicemail. Then the second *ring*. Off to vm she went, too. Then a txt "Can I call u? This will pass..."

My reply was... "If you call, I'll cry. U're right. It will pass. thanks."

I opened the garage door, looking for that one beer that i KNEW was still out there...

Then my husband sends "what's wrong?" -- i replied... "Nothing & everything. U got rid of that last beer in the garage, didn't you?"

I continued to make my tea -- and these emotions just started swirling... I was mad, sad, confused, YUK! A minute or 2 later, I realized he hadn't answered. He wasn't going to lie to me, it had to be there. I went back to the garage and FOUND it.

The last Oberon. Boy -- I hadn't wanted a drink in weeks but holding that bottle -- i wanted it BAD! I stared at it. I got out the opener... I took it to the table.

IRONICALLY, my 12 & 12 book AND my Big Book were both sitting there from last night. I sat in front of those books and sat that beer and opener down. ...I stared at them... cringed, I wanted it. I just wanted that ONE beer. Nothing more. I knew there was nothing else in the house -- and I didn't WANT anything else. How on EARTH could that ONE little beer hurt me? --it would taste SO good (its a Michigan micro and its FABULOUS) and it WOULD calm me down, I'd breathe again, and everything would be ok.

--can you believe that i TOOK A PICTURE OF IT??!! --my Oberon sitting there on TOP of my 12 & 12. DEFINATELY something wrong here...

Tears started running... oh boy, this was a problem. If I wanted that SO badly that KNOWING i couldn't have it was causing tears --there was a problem.

I ran for my bedroom and buried myself under the covers with my Riley Bear (thank you Little Penguin). The tears ran... I slowly realized that... that stinking meeting had stirred up this "episode" from my past and it was making me crazy.

Not a repressed memory, just one I work hard at ignoring and forgetting... It was THERE, in my face all of the sudden, wanting to be dealt with! Grrrrrrr~ THAT is why I needed a drink -- I was feeling -- D*MN, I don't want to do THAT!!!! I just needed to calm down those feelings...

Long enough story, I'll shorten the end. My husband came home, I sent him to berid the house of that bottle. I eventually made it out of bed and had tea. I was on the verge of tears most of the night, but I made it. And I was MAD that I wanted that beer so badly -- and MAD that I couldn't have it....

So, I opened a book... and I took that stupid memory to my counseling on Saturday and I'm going to face it and deal with it and send it on its way.... and i DIDN'T have to start my count over.

Thank u 4 being here, thank u 4 listening.

nodrinkingzone

I'm so glad you managed to get through that onlyway, that's a rough day for sure.

I don't wanna reset my count either, thanks for sharing that - I reckon you've detailed what happened really well, I can imagine being there. I'm glad you stopped when you did, and that the beer's finally gone - it must have been sitting there, in your mind, teasing you the whole time!

Dean62

Thank you for sharing theonlyway I'm so proud of you. It's not easy putting down a bottle like that. I'm glad it's gone now. It sounds to me like you have plenty of good support and you did use it, one small suggestion, if you have a craving like this again call don't text.....please. :ghug3:

resistra

After reading about wanting just that one last beer, I think I'm going to hang on to my stale six pack to remind me if I drink just one, then all six will be gone and I will have one heck of a nasty headache and major regret the next day. Along with 6 empty cans to hide...

and.. after an entire day reading the forums I was feeling a bit anxious so I gorged myself with strawberry ice cream with chocolate and strawberry syrup... wow what a quick fix. I feel stuffed and have no desire to drink or eat anything else. The thought of that six pack right now feels disgusting. Gross.

Hopefully I'll get to sleep soon and day 7 will be here.

gravity

Hi theonlyway

Thanks for the update. I had a similar AA meeting experience last Friday - extremely powerful, heartbreaking shares. At the time, I did feel 'inadequate' in terms of anything I had to say (so I just listened) but afterwards I felt so grateful for everything I have. I really admire the courage of these individuals. They were releasing their anger (and it was extreme) at an AA meeting - not through drugs or alcohol. One young man who was going through a horrific event and hadn't really slept for about 3 days actually shook my hand & asked me, sincerely, how I was doing? These people really are my brothers & sisters.

Awesome work on staring down & getting rid of that beer! There is absolutely no way I can keep beer in the house although I think my wife may have some long forgotten wine hidden somewhere! I used to occasionally drink her wine when I ran out of beer even though I hate the stuff so she had to hide it from me. Oh, BTW my wife barely drinks & I'm not about to tear the house apart looking for a bottle of wine that may or may not exist .

Keep up the great work! D

gravity

Hi Resistra,

Welcome to this little thread we have happening here and congratulations on the 6+ days ! Well, I'll just come right out and say what I'm thinkin'...ditch the six pack! There's really no reason for keeping it around, it's stale anyway. In my case, if I was having a really tough time and there was alcohol only a couple of steps away...well, it's just not worth that extra anxiety or risk.

Take care! D

warrens

I very much agree, gravity. Recovery is test of spirit enough without making it "convenient" to relapse. I get white knuckles just thinking about being alone in my home with a cold six.

warrens

Negative Man

Hey everybody. Checking in to say that day nine is the books. One day at a time makes this, not easy, but doable. I hope everyone is well!

-- NM