SF69

Thanks NDZ & Rob! Took care of the 'H' & 'T' of HALT, and I feel much better. It was just strange because I had been cruising along the last couple of weeks without any really bad cravings. I guess it's a reminder that I better not get complacent with my recovery.

scaredykat

Hi guys. Still sober. Day 32 almost over. Sorry I haven't been posting much. I've got a really bad cold. It's hard to concentrate even. This is the 2nd time I've got sick in a month. What's up with that?

Take care everyone
Barb

gravity

I have been seriously trying to deal with my drinking problem since January 2006. I had three fairly decent periods of 'sobriety' from January 2006 to November 2007. I have to qualify 'sobriety' as I would have a couple of beers every now and then. By the way, my current effort has been 100% abstinence.

I can remember quite vividly my thinking before each major relapse (lengthy, out of control bender) after each lengthy period of sobriety. I keep a daily journal and read through it every now & then and this makes recollection much easier (it was supposed to be a sobriety journal but it turned into The Life & Times of a Guy Who Just Doesn't Get It! )

After a decent amount of time 'sober', in all instances:

- I minimized (not really on purpose) the misery my past drinking had caused me & those who love me
- I was convinced that I could handle a few beers (the real b*tch is that I can handle a beer or three some of the time - this really screws up my thinking - as contradictory as it is, I can't have even one drink - even though I can! I think I'm confusing myself )
- I rationalized that a few beers wouldn't get me drunk and I could still feel good about being 'sober'.
- It was critical to my life that I must be able to enjoy a few beers to laugh, party, unwind, reduce stress...you know, just like 'everybody' else. The old beer commercial thing (I want to be that guy on a snowboard with a beer in his hand having a rockin' good time with all the hot babes!)

I never planned a three day bender. Not even a one night binge. It was all about trying to be 'normal', party like everyone else. But, in hindsight, the bender was inevitable. Don't listen to the booze demon - he's full of sh*t.

tellus

Day 37 here, definitely getting the "cravings." (More obsessive thoughts, really.) I think I'm going to give it another week at my parents' place before I go back to living on my own. Tired as **** all the time, too; not achy-tired like when I was perpetually hung over, but just constantly drained.

Also, while I'm here: anyone have any experience with anafranil (clomipramine)? I'm wondering how long it takes to get to full effect.
-Anna

gravity

Hi Scaredy,

I'm still so proud of you for getting through the past little while sober. You are one strong lady! I'm sick pretty much all winter - 2 small kids always picking up colds/flu from school. And I just can't help myself from kissing their wet little noses & mouths! They absolutely need their hello, goodbye, goodnight, comforting, and just for fun kisses. Hope you feel better soon! Me?...maybe in April !

gravity

I actually have that 'hungover' feeling right now. Really tired, too much junk food, went through the motions at work. Hope we both feel better after a good night's sleep. SR is a good place to be when you have obsessive thoughts. And be proud of your 37 days! Take care.

Dean62

Hi.

After a 60 hour work week without time to get to meetings or come to SR yesterday, my one day off, I found myself alone under a cloud of depression. I blew off my sponsor and the meeting I was supposed to go to with him. I only left my bedroom to eat.

I know when I'm alone in my head I begin to experience a "peculiar mental twist" and yet yesterday I just went with it. I didn't even put up a fight. Like that first drink, alone I was defenseless.

This happens at some point every time I have tried to stay sober. My head gets......restless. Every morning I pray and turn my will over and every day I take it back. I shouldn't say every day I take it back because I do have days that with prayer, calling fellow AA members, coming to SR and going to meetings I am able to do my HP's will not mine. It takes work but it is so worth it.

Today I called my sponsor on my lunch break, after work went to a meeting and I finally managed to write a page on honesty for my probation officer. I still have to right one on integrity before I go and see him tomorrow night. I hope he understands that integrity is not high on my priority list when I'm drinking and I have done a lot of drinking over the years.

I found myself trying to write a masterpiece on honesty filled with BS and manipulation. My only hope is to write the truth. Gods will not mine.

Thank you all for sharing in this thread. I feel like an outsider because I don't have time to come here each day but I do enjoy reading your posts and seeing the closeness and support you have for each other.

I wish you all another 24.

Cya.

Negative Man

I made it through Day One. Thanks for everyone's support over these past few days. I really appreciate it. -- NM

theonlyway

Wow... I lost my computer shortly after joining SR. For those first days of that first week, this board was my lifeline. I was drawn to it, attached to it, hung ONTO it -- some days for dear life...

When my girls crashed it, I decided that was a sign from my HP that I needed to move past THAT phase and into a WORKING phase... So, I added meetings, got the Big Book, pulled out more daily meditation books and read, read, read... I also got into an AA/AlAnon retreat and listened and learned.

Last week was tough, like Barb, I've been fighting something tht's trying to kick my butt! I mentioned that it was a blessing because I was barely out of bed all week - it was my "freebie"... I didn't have to work at sober at al.

Anyhow, I'm back... And I hear exactly what you are saying.. SF and everyone. I hit that 30 days yesterday and I'm concerned with this bravado I have. I put myself in ONE position already last week (similar to the night NM's room mate had that party and he did SO AWESOME!! ) and yesterday proceeded to commit to another situation for this coming Sunday.

I don't find myself willing to "let go" --I guess is what it is?? ..and ealize that as Im typing this, I had no idea I was going to just say that...

I'm not ready to let go of those friends, those ideas, those places and things... the comfort of it all.

I did well hanging with and having a good time with all my drunk friends for a birthday last week --and was/am so very proud of that. Yesterday I let them talk me into (ok, I agree to...) going out for a bonfire and snowmobiling this coming Sunday. (who on EARTH has bonfires when there is 3' of snow on the ground? -oh, that would be MY drunk friends! lol)

Anyhow, a few of them know I've quit drinking... some of them have noticed I haven't been around much... Now I'm having second thoughts about posting this. I don't want to worry anyone.

I still plan to play it by ear, so nothing is really set in stone yet. I volunteered to be the DD for those not riding sleds to the spot... we'll see.

Anyhow -- what this post was SUPPOSED to be about was how coming in here and listening to you all and connecting is the highlight of my day.

I have some financial repercussions of my alcoholic mindset starting to close in on me... You know -- the don't look, don't talk, maybe it will go away?? Anyhow, I need to deal with some *stuff* today that I'd rather someone else took off my plate and dealt with FOR me...

I sat down in this chair pretty low, but the connection I found, the inspiration I feel, from being here in undeniable.

NM -- you ROCK!! for today, I will not drink -- because of you. Because of your strength and your courage. Certainly the 2 week board is lucky to have you... I know his because you got my through more than a few of the hours in some of my 24's so far... but don't disappear, ok?

Hugs
~C

SF69

Yeah, that was starting to happen. Like you, not on purpose, but just time making it fade a little.

And a big yes on that one too! It's those days where I did 'control' my drinking to just a couple of drinks that are really messing with my head.


Fortunately, feeling much, much better this morning. It's going to be a busy day today (a good busy...I finally get my new bowing ball, I pick up my 30 day chip at my home group, and I'm sitting in with a friend's acoustic group for a set at their coffeehouse gig), so hopefully I'll be too busy to listen to that voice in my head if it comes back.

theonlyway

so......... will it be made out of titanium, steel, ????????

Dean62

Music to my ears C.

Me too. I'm just trying to help from my own personal experience. Bravado at 30 days is something you should FEAR. It has been the source of many a relapse for me. "Self will run riot." To late C. Several red flags went up as I read your post. I'm glad you decided to post despite your second thoughts so we know what's going on in your life.

I could be wrong but as far as I know no one at any of the meetings I have been to with long term sobriety has drunk friends.

I care about you so please pleeeease be careful. This disease is very patient. It doesn't mind waiting and IT IS WAITING.

Sorry for being a party pooper :ghug3

PS. Dean is my middle name. My name is Larry ------>alcoholic.

Dean62

I only slept 3 hours last night so maybe thats why this morning I'm seeing red flags everywhere. I care about you guys so I am sorry but.......hear I go again.
Handle? Control? Alcohol? These words don't go together for me unless I'm talking about alcohol doing the handling and controlling.

As alcoholics we have lost the ability to control alcohol or as you said gravity. A few years back I would drink and think I "got away with it". I was wrong. The first drink leads to a horrible binge for me whether it continues directly from that first drink or it takes a couple of weeks or months of controlling my drinking. I always end up waking to that feeling of dred, gloom, like something bad is going to happen unless I get some booze in me real fast.It's a train wreck every time.

It's not confusing at all. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It only gets worse, never better.

Sorry I'm being a such buzz kill today. I just can't help it.

Larry.

SF69

That's okay Dean, I appreciate the concern.

gravity

Hey Dean,

"A few years back I would drink and think I "got away with it". I was wrong. The first drink leads to a horrible binge for me whether it continues directly from that first drink or it takes a couple of weeks or months of controlling my drinking."

I agree with this statement 100%. Can't be put any better. The scary thing is I don't always remember it 100% of the time. That's why I am working so hard, doing what I'm doing, trying to stay focused. Thanks for your post.

mayorob1

Hey Everyone,

Funny you say partying with the babes is normal. when I was in high school and way into my thirties I thought exactly that. That's what people do they work all week and drink themselves silly with that thought that hey this is what everyone does. You would be absolutely amazed how many people live a great life without alcohol, Mind you if you spend all your time drinking in bars and with people who drink all the time what else are you supposed to think. I don't know about anyone else but my parents also did the work all week get loaded watching the hockey game when I was growing up.

I have started to spend some time volunteering and buidling some things out of wood with my son, playing monopoly with friends after dinner

It is amazing how brainwashed I was of what is a good time, advertising could convince people that dropping a rock on our heads was cool

Sorry this is my rant for the day,

Way to go everyone



Rob

trakin

I can't agree with you more, Rob. I think a lot of us get a really skewed picture of what it means to be a happy, fulfilled person...to have a good life..from the media. The images we are bombarded with on a daily basis make us feel that we can never measure up to those beautiful, suave, happy wealthy, successful people we see portrayed for us. I see the negative influences of these kinds of images in a lot in the young people I work with, and I worry about their effect on my own kids.

tellus

What's been bothering me most recently are the images/stereotypes that surround college (and college-aged) culture. Especially in the Midwest, binge drinking is so ingrained in our culture that it's considered normal, healthy. Last year UW-Madison dropped from #1 hard liquor school in the listings... Everyone was b*tching about it, saying "man, we have to do better next year." It's insane.

Sorry, that was a bit of a tangent, wasn't it?

Unrelated: I finally got my 1mo chip today! In my favorite meeting, too.

SF69

Me too! And it was a great meeting. Just what I needed. Got my chip, and there were a lot of newcomers tonight (mostly teenage kids). This is the first time in discussion that I felt something I might have said could have helped one of the new people. I know, the old timers say that they get 'stuff' from newcomers...but I guess I haven't really accepted that yet (I'll get there, but I'm kinda on an acceptance overload right now).

gravity

I just want to offer my encouragement & support. In the past, I have had difficulties maintaining my sobriety after a certain period of time - questioning my motives, thinking I'm cured, thinking I can moderate - this is my "mental twist". For the first month or so, the pain was still fresh, my motivation high. Now? Sometimes I feel like its just a lot of work. But if I stop working, I'll start drinking (sooner or later). At this point, I have not developed the inner strength required to maintain long term sobriety.

There are no outsiders on this thread. We are all fighting addictions and we are all in this together. Anyone please feel free to jump in at any time - 0 days sober, 90 days sober, 30 years sober. Every post has such value. I find this to be a great thread to post random thoughts, check in, offer my opinion, say thanks.