Reaching Out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 3
Reaching Out
Hello Everyone,
This is the first post that I have ever done on any site. I am looking for some direction in my life as I feel as though I am finally in a state where I am facing my demons. I was divorced at the age of 27 due to what I would call a "young marriage" meaning that I didn't take long to get to know my now-ex husband and suffered tremendously when we divorced after only 1 year of marriage. The suffering came in the form of self-destruction. I began smoking cigarettes again, sleeping with men I didn't know after drinking heavily at bars, and got into a terrible three year relationship with a chronic pot smoker. His habit became mine and shamefully I spent almost three years of heavily smoking pot, binge drinking, and chain smoking.
I was terribly codependent on my ex-boyfriend because I was hitting the age of 30 and believed that I didn't have any other prospects. My drinking in my relationship led to an almost arrest by the police, being physically abused by my ex-boyfriend (on that same night), addicted to pot - I would risk driving into the horrid areas of town to buy it, or worse - I would buy it on the streets where police were only around the corner. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend 11 times. The longest I went was three months and everytime I binged on alcohol I would call him and ask him to come back to me. The last time we separated for a long period of time - and what I thought was the last - was after I binged on alcohol while my absolutely adoring and kind sister was out visiting me. I got into an argument with her on a Saturday night and kicked her out of my apt. leaving her with no option but to go to the airport and wait for the first flight out that morning. Devastated over what happened, I visited my ex-boyfriend and LOST IT. I tried to get compassion out of him and when I didn't I tried everything in my power to get him to hit me and I threatened to hurt him emotionally in so many ways. He ended up calling my father - scared out of his mind and unloaded everything that was wrong with me. Now bear in mind that I had hidden my ex-boyfriend from my family for years because he was clearly was wrong for me. It was the most traumatic event for my entire family. I decided it was time to end my relationship with my ex-boyfriend for good, get sober, stop sleeping around, and face my demons.
That was back in October 2007. As I got sober, I felt that I was ready to date again and got into another type of codependent relationship that can be discussed at another time. The end result was that we broke up after two months of a sober, yet emotionally challenging relationship, and I ran to my ex-boyfriend. The good news is that I only saw him twice in January 2008 and the last time was the end. He really didn't want much from me and I knew that if I got involved with him again, I would be smoking pot daily.
Ok, so I'm here today because I haven't smoked pot since January 12, 2008 and I haven't binged on alcohol since February 2, 2008. (That is another story for another time.)
I am spiritually crushed. I feel alone and scared as I face the emotions that I have suppressed for so many years. The temptation to do something self-destructive such as drink or take pills (never really found them appealing but have them due to a stress-related condition brought on recently) or get validation from a most likely uncaring man sexually.
I have spent most of this weekend alone and crying over everything from sad movies to reading posts on this site. I am trying so hard to become a whole person again - I am in therapy but it only carries me so far.
I would like to make friends on this site and learn to become a positive, spiritually-connected, sober woman. I want to recover the self-esteem that I had when I was much younger.
I'm sorry for such a long post, but it is the first time I am being open and honest. There have been quite a few tears as I read this. Does anyone relate to my situation? Does anyone out there want to talk or direct me to another forum for recovery?
HopeandPeace
This is the first post that I have ever done on any site. I am looking for some direction in my life as I feel as though I am finally in a state where I am facing my demons. I was divorced at the age of 27 due to what I would call a "young marriage" meaning that I didn't take long to get to know my now-ex husband and suffered tremendously when we divorced after only 1 year of marriage. The suffering came in the form of self-destruction. I began smoking cigarettes again, sleeping with men I didn't know after drinking heavily at bars, and got into a terrible three year relationship with a chronic pot smoker. His habit became mine and shamefully I spent almost three years of heavily smoking pot, binge drinking, and chain smoking.
I was terribly codependent on my ex-boyfriend because I was hitting the age of 30 and believed that I didn't have any other prospects. My drinking in my relationship led to an almost arrest by the police, being physically abused by my ex-boyfriend (on that same night), addicted to pot - I would risk driving into the horrid areas of town to buy it, or worse - I would buy it on the streets where police were only around the corner. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend 11 times. The longest I went was three months and everytime I binged on alcohol I would call him and ask him to come back to me. The last time we separated for a long period of time - and what I thought was the last - was after I binged on alcohol while my absolutely adoring and kind sister was out visiting me. I got into an argument with her on a Saturday night and kicked her out of my apt. leaving her with no option but to go to the airport and wait for the first flight out that morning. Devastated over what happened, I visited my ex-boyfriend and LOST IT. I tried to get compassion out of him and when I didn't I tried everything in my power to get him to hit me and I threatened to hurt him emotionally in so many ways. He ended up calling my father - scared out of his mind and unloaded everything that was wrong with me. Now bear in mind that I had hidden my ex-boyfriend from my family for years because he was clearly was wrong for me. It was the most traumatic event for my entire family. I decided it was time to end my relationship with my ex-boyfriend for good, get sober, stop sleeping around, and face my demons.
That was back in October 2007. As I got sober, I felt that I was ready to date again and got into another type of codependent relationship that can be discussed at another time. The end result was that we broke up after two months of a sober, yet emotionally challenging relationship, and I ran to my ex-boyfriend. The good news is that I only saw him twice in January 2008 and the last time was the end. He really didn't want much from me and I knew that if I got involved with him again, I would be smoking pot daily.
Ok, so I'm here today because I haven't smoked pot since January 12, 2008 and I haven't binged on alcohol since February 2, 2008. (That is another story for another time.)
I am spiritually crushed. I feel alone and scared as I face the emotions that I have suppressed for so many years. The temptation to do something self-destructive such as drink or take pills (never really found them appealing but have them due to a stress-related condition brought on recently) or get validation from a most likely uncaring man sexually.
I have spent most of this weekend alone and crying over everything from sad movies to reading posts on this site. I am trying so hard to become a whole person again - I am in therapy but it only carries me so far.
I would like to make friends on this site and learn to become a positive, spiritually-connected, sober woman. I want to recover the self-esteem that I had when I was much younger.
I'm sorry for such a long post, but it is the first time I am being open and honest. There have been quite a few tears as I read this. Does anyone relate to my situation? Does anyone out there want to talk or direct me to another forum for recovery?
HopeandPeace
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
Hi and welcome HopeandPeace. I like your username... very positive 
. You have found a great place for recovery and support. You'll find lots of info and some really wonderful helpful people here.
. You have found a great place for recovery and support. You'll find lots of info and some really wonderful helpful people here.
Pickachu...I choose YOU!
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: raleigh nc
Posts: 84
Welcome to SR H&P!
It sounds like you have had a rough time of it. This place has so many kind souls, who have been through all sorts of tough issues. I'm sure many members can relate (I can esp. about drinking) I'm only a few days dry, but have felt lifted up and empowered by posting on this site.
Take care of yourself!
It sounds like you have had a rough time of it. This place has so many kind souls, who have been through all sorts of tough issues. I'm sure many members can relate (I can esp. about drinking) I'm only a few days dry, but have felt lifted up and empowered by posting on this site.
Take care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 170
From time to time before I got sober when things got rough I always had the temptation to do something self destructive but took a good hard look at myself and realized I was already doing it. The broken relationships, abuse, neglect, harming myself with drugs and alcohol, and sleeping with as many women as I could. I had enough got on my knees and asked God for help. When I got off my knees I realized that I had to get to AA and make a change.
I went to AA I got a sponsor worked the steps and realized I was the problem. That self manifested in various ways continuously caused me to fail. I found the steps to be an instruction manual on how to live my life. It’s a good thing because the way I was living it was obviously not the right way. Life is good today.
I’m speaking in an hour so I have to go. I wish you luck in hooking up with other sober women here on the forum and in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Breath its going to be ok…..
I went to AA I got a sponsor worked the steps and realized I was the problem. That self manifested in various ways continuously caused me to fail. I found the steps to be an instruction manual on how to live my life. It’s a good thing because the way I was living it was obviously not the right way. Life is good today.
I’m speaking in an hour so I have to go. I wish you luck in hooking up with other sober women here on the forum and in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Breath its going to be ok…..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 3
Thanks everyone for responding so quickly. What a wonderful group. I have to say that my largest temptation was last night. I had a potential date with a guy that I knew was not good for me emotionally and I actually canceled and decided to sit at home and sulk. While I was sulking I considered taking Vicodin that was prescribed to me for a severe TMJ (jaw problem...ugh yet another issue to discuss later.) But I didn't. I flushed the bottle down the toilet and watched Extreme Makeover. LOLOLOL. I see good things coming my way.
God is my benzo
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Charlotte, nc
Posts: 198
Have you ever heard the saying "you don't need a relationship, til you don't need a relationship."
I was in a bad relationship when I first got sober, and it made my sobriety more difficult than it needed to be. You seem to be on the right track, recognizing yours as a spiritual malady.
I think a persons "bottom" is not based on what they have lost, but what they feel inside. I know that I personally was dead inside.
My best advise would be to start taking action. For me, that action was going to AA and working the 12 steps. The 12 steps are designed to bring forth a spiritual awakening. I feel that awakening growing everyday.
This is certainly not the only way, but it worked for me. Whatever you choose, gods speed and god bless. Your always welcome here.
I was in a bad relationship when I first got sober, and it made my sobriety more difficult than it needed to be. You seem to be on the right track, recognizing yours as a spiritual malady.
I think a persons "bottom" is not based on what they have lost, but what they feel inside. I know that I personally was dead inside.
My best advise would be to start taking action. For me, that action was going to AA and working the 12 steps. The 12 steps are designed to bring forth a spiritual awakening. I feel that awakening growing everyday.
This is certainly not the only way, but it worked for me. Whatever you choose, gods speed and god bless. Your always welcome here.
Anxiety King
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 403
HopeandPeace, welcome!
It sounds like you're off to a good start. Being open and honest with myself was the key for me too in starting a recovery that would have a chance.
Hope you stick around. Like Gypsy Tears said, there's a lot of great people here to offer support and advice.
It sounds like you're off to a good start. Being open and honest with myself was the key for me too in starting a recovery that would have a chance.
Hope you stick around. Like Gypsy Tears said, there's a lot of great people here to offer support and advice.
Naturally Occuring Phenomenon
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 437
welcome. quite a troubling story. there's a million ways to make things work out--make a list of the stuff you tried that didn't work & don't do it again. You have to be content with yourself before a meaningful relationships can develop (I'm still working on that one). Drugs and alcohol (other people too) do not work & only provide a false sense of security or escape, it would be too easy if they did & we wouldn't be here. Got any close gfriends or loved ones to talk to? Stick around here anyway, you're in good company.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Oh HopeandPeace, you have come to a great place if you want to reconnect with your spirit and with some wonderful people here.
I am so glad that you see that you need to change your life and to move forward. It sounds like you have tried to numb your feelings for a long time. I did that too and it was miserable. The thing is, you can work through this and live a peaceful life and we are here to support you.
You are not alone.
I am so glad that you see that you need to change your life and to move forward. It sounds like you have tried to numb your feelings for a long time. I did that too and it was miserable. The thing is, you can work through this and live a peaceful life and we are here to support you.
You are not alone.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR!
I decided to take a break from dating
while I worked on improving my life.
I needed to put all my efforts on self discovery.
Keep posting with us...
I decided to take a break from dating
while I worked on improving my life.
I needed to put all my efforts on self discovery.
Keep posting with us...
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