Back Again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 100
Back Again
Hello everyone
It's been a long while since I've been here. Been in denial and drinking for a long spell. Not all day, not every day, but when I drink I can't stop. Not finishing that bottle of wine is a rare, rare event..... more often opening another now.
Been here before, the last time was because I had a bad drunk and abused people badly, the shame and the fact that my partner was sick and tired of me and was thinking of leaving. In fact nearly every attempt has been because of some such event. Not so this time, I am just sick and tired of it all, the getting drunk, the feeling bad, the fear and lack of motivation that goes hand in hand with the bottle. I have started to hide how much I am drinking again, to have strong urges and to look forward to drinking. We have had a very bad year this last year and are still in a poor situation - yet rather than use this as an excuse to drink I want to use geting sober to improve my situation. I want to do this for me.
I fear that I will never succeed, and I panic when I think about that party, that meal, that celebration without a drink. Yet I know that is just plain silly. I also understand that drink gives me much needed confidence and that this is one of the reasons why I drink.. and one issue I need to tackle sober. I have just started one to one Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to help me deal with my many hang ups.
I am seeking a recovery programme that I can work with, tried several that I know work for others but didn't for me, although I understand that perhaps I wasn't in the right frame of mind to tackle things. I will be discussing my decision with my therapist next week, I have said that I have a drink problem and suspect that I am an alcoholic but would treat this as 'a side issue' for now ... who am I kidding, I am an alcoholic and I need to STOP.
I just hope that this time I really want this enough, I felt so much better when I was sober so why can't I stick to it?!!
It's been a long while since I've been here. Been in denial and drinking for a long spell. Not all day, not every day, but when I drink I can't stop. Not finishing that bottle of wine is a rare, rare event..... more often opening another now.
Been here before, the last time was because I had a bad drunk and abused people badly, the shame and the fact that my partner was sick and tired of me and was thinking of leaving. In fact nearly every attempt has been because of some such event. Not so this time, I am just sick and tired of it all, the getting drunk, the feeling bad, the fear and lack of motivation that goes hand in hand with the bottle. I have started to hide how much I am drinking again, to have strong urges and to look forward to drinking. We have had a very bad year this last year and are still in a poor situation - yet rather than use this as an excuse to drink I want to use geting sober to improve my situation. I want to do this for me.
I fear that I will never succeed, and I panic when I think about that party, that meal, that celebration without a drink. Yet I know that is just plain silly. I also understand that drink gives me much needed confidence and that this is one of the reasons why I drink.. and one issue I need to tackle sober. I have just started one to one Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to help me deal with my many hang ups.
I am seeking a recovery programme that I can work with, tried several that I know work for others but didn't for me, although I understand that perhaps I wasn't in the right frame of mind to tackle things. I will be discussing my decision with my therapist next week, I have said that I have a drink problem and suspect that I am an alcoholic but would treat this as 'a side issue' for now ... who am I kidding, I am an alcoholic and I need to STOP.
I just hope that this time I really want this enough, I felt so much better when I was sober so why can't I stick to it?!!
Pickachu...I choose YOU!
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: raleigh nc
Posts: 84
Hi!
No advice, as I am struggling also. Didn't want to read and run, glad you are posting.
I'm new, and have been welcomed warmly and being here helps me know I am not alone. Neither are you!
Take care of yourself!
No advice, as I am struggling also. Didn't want to read and run, glad you are posting.
I'm new, and have been welcomed warmly and being here helps me know I am not alone. Neither are you!
Take care of yourself!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,470
Welcome back!
I am glad that you are doing this for you and in a more proactive way than before.
It is normal to be afraid of living your life without alcohol and it will probably mean making some tough decisions in the future. I had to stay away from any situation involving alcohol for quite some time. It was just too difficult to deal with. Another thing that recovery gave me, was some perspective. I am not totally comfortable in social situations. That's a fact. That's me, and it's okay. It's better than drinking.
I am glad that you are doing this for you and in a more proactive way than before.
It is normal to be afraid of living your life without alcohol and it will probably mean making some tough decisions in the future. I had to stay away from any situation involving alcohol for quite some time. It was just too difficult to deal with. Another thing that recovery gave me, was some perspective. I am not totally comfortable in social situations. That's a fact. That's me, and it's okay. It's better than drinking.
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
Hi Kickit;
Like WJW said, you're not alone. All here are in the same boat. Trying to get/stay sober. You will find lots of support here.
I know what you mean about quitting after something terrible has happened. In the past, the only times I quit was when I had made such a huge mess, that I was faced with the 'quit....or else' by people in my life. After the guilt and the shame were gone and I had patched everything up and made good with everyone, I would pickup again. Things would be ok for a bit, but inevitibly, the exact same thing would happen all over again, and again..... This time, fortunately, I didn't go through anything like that, not yet anyways. But the blackouts were getting so bad I just had to stop. After just a couple (strong ones) I would blackout completely. I'd spend hours and hours and hours doing/saying God knows what.....I couldn't remember a thing the next day. And the sickness the next day....oh man the sickness was unbearable. I lost a lot because of my drinking. You'll hear that over and over again. It happens to all of us until we finally quit. I too went for Cognitive Behavioural Treatment before quitting drinking. I also went to the doctor and asked for anti-depressants, thinking that if I could medicate myself, then when I drank, I could 'behave' not get out of control. But all to no avail. Nothing worked. The only thing that has worked is 'not picking up'. Bottom line.
We're here if you need to chat.
Just try to stay sober for today, worry about tomorrow, well...tomorrow.
Like WJW said, you're not alone. All here are in the same boat. Trying to get/stay sober. You will find lots of support here.
I know what you mean about quitting after something terrible has happened. In the past, the only times I quit was when I had made such a huge mess, that I was faced with the 'quit....or else' by people in my life. After the guilt and the shame were gone and I had patched everything up and made good with everyone, I would pickup again. Things would be ok for a bit, but inevitibly, the exact same thing would happen all over again, and again..... This time, fortunately, I didn't go through anything like that, not yet anyways. But the blackouts were getting so bad I just had to stop. After just a couple (strong ones) I would blackout completely. I'd spend hours and hours and hours doing/saying God knows what.....I couldn't remember a thing the next day. And the sickness the next day....oh man the sickness was unbearable. I lost a lot because of my drinking. You'll hear that over and over again. It happens to all of us until we finally quit. I too went for Cognitive Behavioural Treatment before quitting drinking. I also went to the doctor and asked for anti-depressants, thinking that if I could medicate myself, then when I drank, I could 'behave' not get out of control. But all to no avail. Nothing worked. The only thing that has worked is 'not picking up'. Bottom line.
We're here if you need to chat.
Just try to stay sober for today, worry about tomorrow, well...tomorrow.
....Glad to know you are working towards sobriety!
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