Man-0-Man, I'm gonna lose it
 

Some of you might remember me from last Fall.... I headed off to another city to stay with someone I am in love with (and her daughter and grand-daughter) and attend an 8-week Recovery program - and the woman I was staying with is not my wife - which is a whole other story....

To make a long story short, I was living there for over 2 months, spent 3 weeks in the program - and then had some set-backs that caused me to quit and go home. "My Sunshine" and I have stayed in touch since, and both of us have had a real tough time being apart. Understandably, when she was out with friends about 10 days ago, and missing what we had together, she was "attracted" by some guy that fed her far more drinks than she is used to (she normally drinks very little).

Well, one thing led to another I guess, and they wound up outside, somewhere nearby, and the worst thing in the world happened, if you know what I mean. I KNOW it was not "her fault" - she is the VICTIM, Damn it - of a horrible and sick attack! I keep telling myself that at least she is still alive, but she is hurting in a real bad way.... and so am I. I've tried to talk her into getting help, but she is too proud and stubborn to do anything, at least so far.

If I had still been there, none of this would have happened! I failed to protect her, and I am failing to find ways to comfort her, over the damn phone, hundreds of miles away!

And I have been going out of my flippin' mind with guilt, anguish, and sorrow.

I just Googled a site to read up on "symptoms of a nervous breakdown" and I racked up a darn-near perfect score. I can't eat or sleep, I am POUNDING back the booze every night, can't sit still, am flying into fits of uncontrolled anger (even at her the other night, which has just made me MORE sick with regret), my hands start to shake several times a day, I have awful dreams about my mind's image of what she must have gone through - and now I am starting to "conk out" in the middle of the day for an hour or two, only to wake up and have it start all over again.

As if THAT'S not enough - I learned that my father's health (he is 92 in May) has taken a turn for the worse, and I live in another city from him, so can only phone - and I don't like the way he sounds.... not at all.


I am about ready to lose it completely....

Hey Ten Packs!

I'm glad to see you back.
I've thought about ya, and wondered how you're doing and all.

Ummmm ....
I don't know how to 'dress' this in some 'softie-talk-all-is-love-and-light' kind of way -
but here's ... well, what came to me while reading:

You are aware ... other individuals have their own lessons to learn. Often these other people have lessons - that do not directly INVOLVE us. As alcoholics, it's hard for us to perceive that , but time has proven this might be true. While any attack is horrible .. this one is not about you. THinking 'you should have been there' is actually pulling a CLASSIC alcoholic 'roundabout' and turning it onto something that's happened to YOU. As far as *I* can see - SHE - is the one who's been hurt.
YOUR job - if any - would be to be there FOR HER ...
to comfort her, support her ...
not to commisserate about anything about YOU.

It looks more to me as an opportunity to step outside YOURSELF ...
and be there for someone else - in whatever capacity is needed.
Not the capacity you've always designed as an alcoholic.
We all do it.
Here's a chance ... to do something different.
To step into change.
The only way - ONLY way - to change a 'negative' -
is by the application of two equivalent positives.

At least that's what I see going on here.

And I'm sorry to hear about your father. The next best thing *I* see is to ... if all you can do is call =- then call. Often. Be as honest, and as real as you've ever been. If you've got anything left to say - get it said.

Don't mean it so sound 'rough' or anything ...
it's just how I see it.

"Don't mean it so sound 'rough' or anything ...
it's just how I see it."

I think we sometimes NEED someone to give us the straight goods, Barb - thank you, I will try to absorb what you have said.

Having a tough time absorbing a lot of things right now....




oh and btw - I thought about you more than once while I was away, too - you've pulled no punches with me in the past, but you have been a good friend, too.

you know I love ya Tenners ...

even tho you wouldn't loan me yer truck.

*hug*

welcome back, hon.

And yes, it IS a lot.

YOu can do it, though.

AND -

IT'S *POSSIBLE* i'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH dR pHIL....:rof

"even tho you wouldn't loan me yer truck." ROFL!

Has it ever struck you that sometimes someone gives you a good laugh at just the right time, when you could really use one?

We used to call that "Karma", back in the "silly 60's".

Let's see what you can do ...Pray for peace.

Know that your Dad has fulfilled his earthly tasks.
Call daily but for short times. He is tired.

Let your lady know she is loved and allow her
to choose what to do if anything about her situation.
She is not a child...she is capable.

All the signs you shared point to unchecked alcoholism
IMO
Get a doctors opinion ...but sobriety may calm you.
It certainly did me.

Welcome back....:)

It just struck me, Barb - I think what you are telling me is that I am "Internalizing", a common trait with "us folks" - but I have no RIGHT to Internalize something that I just can't - because there is no flippin' WAY I will ever understand what she has (and IS) going through.

I KNOW I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HER PAIN, not completely - but I should be her "MightyMouse" right now, and Save The Day..... but I can't

And that just makes my sense of inadequacy (sp?) worse.... I always thought I was a better, deeper person than I seem to be - and NOW it's when someone DEAR needs me MOST.




But okay.... I feel it turning to how sh*tty I feel inside, and your words from a short time ago are coming back.

Who was that comedian that would look at the floor and go "Yes Dear, okay - you're right, I'm wrong, should I take out the garbage now?...."

Hi Carol, I remember you, too - I have this "WEIRD" knack of connecting with women, in a way that I can't with men - my wife has remarked on that for many years. (and I'm not some kind of "weird-o", I never "fooled around" in my LIFE!)

What has been really hard for my friend and I (before all this latest stuff) - is that when I am with HER, I have gone close to a MONTH, without a drop. And even when I slipped, it was like.... maybe two or three drinks, that's all.

IN MY HEAD, I know where I need to be! And it would probably add 20 years to my life, and I could do more to help "our girls", who have some problems of their own. I just can't.


But here I go again.... making it about me. Whaddajerk. Sorry.

:skillet

Exactly, hon.

It's the inability to pretend we were who we wanted everyone to believe we were, including ourselves that kept us drunk, IMO ...
it's the discovery of who and how we can help ...

that makes us more than we ever hoped we could become.


Trust God
Clean House
Be of Service

"Of myself ... I am nothing."

Hi Southern BC, sorry to here about your troubles, Watch out for Barb she is a firecracker :)

Holy crap, Barb.... I needed a minute or so to pick my jaw up of the floor. Youre SO right - where the hell were you in that center that I attened every day?

BUT, I still hurt for my loving friend..... major.

then BE there for her ... just be there ... sober. completely.


where was I ????
stuck down here in mt cuz somebody wouldn't loan me a truck - FOTFLOL

I am a new commer here, but my heart always gets tight whenever I hear or see somebody else going through rough time.

It is one of the most devastating things to find ourselves in a position where we can't do anything when loves ones in deep hurt desperate situation. All of us have been there, I think. My heart goes out for you.

I can't agree more with Barb. Just be postitive. Keep parying. I am not religious, rather spiritual. I believe in Universe that keeps everything in harmony also in power of praying. You can heal her and be their for her through your prayer as if you are there right next her. Guilt is the worst enemy for our growth and losing out center. It doesn't belong to you.
Every chance, good, bad, horrible, there is a lesson to learn and better side of it, all of us become stronger than before every time we overcome a obstacle. Please focus your energy on her and send your positive power, rather than sharing with good old friend. BTW, I might have been doing exactly same thing if I were in your shoes. :c033:

Thank you for sharing. Just one day at a time.

with big hugs.

I haven't see that particular "abbrviation" before, and it's a bit of a touchy subject around here in the last several days... I was just looking at an old Ringo Starr Youtue on the weekend about "tired of waking up on the floor" - and frankly I'm not the only one who getting just a little tired of helping me get up lately.

Good News is! I didnt last night. and I didn't have any "Owies" that I had to wonder about when I woke up a half hour ago. And I woke in IN BED - even the right way around! Whadda concept!



Bear with me, just havingf my morning coffee, listening to Paul Harvey. Even a SEMBLANCE of normalcy can feel darn good sometimes.

Be back later....

I spent some time talking to my "friend" - and believe it or not, she is more worried about ME than her own situation - she made me promise to call teh Local Mental Health Unit, and I have.

They are going to have someone get back to me in the hour, so if you don't see anything more from me for a bit, it mihgt be because they got me in Soft-Cuffs, and on the way to the "rubber-room".

I'll keep ya posted.

Just a quick update.... I'm getting tired (which is DAMN WELCOME, after the last while!)

Made my calls, got a call-back, although it took a lot longer than I would hare liked - and I have been set up with a time on Thursday afternoon.... (Valentines - coulda picked a better day if I was God, but you play the hand you're dealt sometimes).

I will get back in "the system" and if anything good can come out of this, maybe it will be that I have a lot more desire and motivation to look after myself and be stronger and cleaner - so that something like this never, never, NEVER happens again to My Sunshine....

It gives me something to focus on, at least.

By the way, just for the record.... I asked and got permission from MySunshine to discuss this whole matter, as long I was "discrete" about various details - in fact, it was her suggestion in a way.

Now how many kinds of cool is THAT?

Good to hear Tenners ... but ... dang.

I was hoping for a really good deal on a used truck.

oh well.
now - GET BUSY, MAN!

*prayers*

HEY! Ya never know.... I might recover "With A Little Help From My Friends" or someone, and we 'jes might drop by someday to help ya "Take a load tuh the dump".
'Slong as you an' yers don' live in a Bell Tower, that is. Kinda like "Alices Restaurant". An' it'd be kinda swell if ya could have a can of food for my Seein'-Eye Dawg....

Mind'ja... I'd be runnin' the risk of being busted by Officer Obbie, and wind up on the "Group-dubaya bench", and some huge guy comes 'round an' asks me if "I have re-hab-ilat-ed" myself fer litterin'.....

YouTube - Alice's Restaurant part 1 (Y'all gotta find part 2 an' 3 yo'self.... sorry 'bout dat)





Yerz a good-un, Barb - feels rightly good to laugh, even if it's about sumpin' from nigh-on 40 year-back now...

:ghug3







(You know I'm just funnin' you, right?)