What is wrong with me????!!!!
 

My goodness!!!
I am doing better than I have in I dont know how long. True most of it is because I have no car. But sober is sober. I will take it any way I can.
I am saving money, Even got almost $100 in change alone saved from the past month. I am 2 weeks away from having my cable, internet and phone that I havent had since last August. I am able to go eat somewhere, buy my own whatever I need or want. Treat when we do go out. Do you know how long its been since I could do these things? I know it's only money. But it feels really good to not have to ask anyone for anything. Well except a ride.
I am thinking about buying a house of some sort in the future. Maybe even look into going back to school for something. My family is just so freakin happy, relieved, proud, I could go on and on. And most of all they fully trust me again. Thats amazing.
So why am I even thinking about the possibilities of getting high?
I cant stand it. I been having using dreams like crazy lately. And I am at work right now and out of nowhere I started thinking. What if I call the dealer and asked him what I had to spend for him to come my way. I dont have to work the next 2 days. I know I am not going to do it. Because in my using dreams I also feel very disappointed because my clean time is with me in my dreams and I even dream that I say I had this much time and now I have to start all over again.
I have such a great feeling of loss I cant even explain it.
Whats going to happen when I do get a car?
What about when every single person in my family even my grams goes out of town the first week in March and they leave me a vehicle and they are all way down in Florida for 8 days. I am home all by myself with a whole bunch of nothing to do.
I'm really nervous about that.
Anyway. I know the answers to all this pretty much.
Just feels better to get it out somewhere.
I felt really sick to my stomach when I thought about picking up. I hate that feeling.
Thx for letting me rant again!

Hi Trish,

You're doing great, but recovery is a huge process. I really changed my whole way of thinking, of looking at myself and my life. For example, you know that March is going to be a big problem, so prepare for it, plan for it. You could start a new project, something you've thought about doing for a long time. How about cleaning out your room or getting rid of all your old clothes? Pack things up and take them to a shelter. Do something that you know will make you feel good.

Nothing wrong with you that you don't already know about Trish. You're an addict - we think of using, especially in the early days, and especially if all we do is just stop.

You've stopped using, but that's not enough. When you get the car in march - don't even give any time to thinking about scoring - drive - get to meetings, daily.

Start working on the other bit of recovery. You gotta stay stopped.

D

trish

i vividly remember my trish (mirical) saying to me many a many time...

pattee, i just cant seem to get the thoughts of useing out of my head..

she was working a fairly good recovery program, and then she took her will back...

she went to school, got a job, stopped going to theropy, stopped working her program...

wanted us to get married...

within the year, she was back to doing what she wanted to do, and is now gone...

i'm giving you this info trish to do with it what you will...

good wishes miss chiy!

xxoo

rz

Good for you.
What I would say is happening... you are learning a very valuable lesson at this moment. We need stay alert one day at a time..even when things are going so well. You truly have a wonderful outlook on things and bring so many smiles when I read your posts. You learn fast and put what you learn to great use every day. Just remember it is one day at a time that we use all the wonderful tools we gathered up and with that you will always stay the course.

I know..I need to work a program. I want to. But how do you go to meetings when you have no car...the meetings close are all at night when I have to work. The ones during the day are all in the next towns. My family is looking out big time already giving both me and my grams rides almost everyday when they themselves have to work and do things too.
I know it will help alot more when I get my own internet back.
You know I just quit using without even relising it way back in 1999 when I got my first computer and internet? I was addicted to the internet so much I completely stopped smoking crack for almost 9 mos without even trying. But I did take up smoking weed and doing ecstacy.
You all are the best. I feel better already. Thanks
And Rusty...Not to bring up bad memories...But I reallt do believe if I go back out there. I will not make it back. Somehow or another. I just feel like it will be the ultimate end in the making if I do.
I dont want that.

and neither do we.

*HUG*

That's just how I felt after New Year's when I drank again, that I might not make it out this time. I was terrified. It just gets worse & more intense each time, Chi, and harder to crawl back out. The difference is, I never saw it coming that day, and you are already anticipating the challenge that it's going to be when you're left alone to do what you want. That's a blessing, even though it's disturbing you. Fight with all your strength, don't let it get it's grips on you again. I'll be praying. Love, Joanie

We remember pleasure forever. We always seem to remember the good times when we have them. Believe me, I know that we had some good times with the effects of our substance. Whatever our substance was, there was a lot of times that we liked it.
On the flip side of that coin we also have a natural defense mechanisim that blocks out pain and we tend to forget the bad times. We forget the bad rather quickly but always remember the pleasure. It doesn't seem fair to one trying to get sober and clean.
Just hang on for the ride. A clean happy life is yours for the taking.

miss chiy my trish said, if i go back out... i dont have another recovery in me...

hop a bus, and head to a meeting!

xxoxxoo

((((Chiy)))))

I was scared, too, when I started to get back on my feet. Now that I've got close to a year, I'm having strong "using dreams"...haven't had those in ages. I think it's great that you're worried about March. The worry sux, but at least you're thinking ahead! I am trying to get my own apt., move out from the family home, and I've had to deal with the same thoughts you are having.

What works for me is to spend a lot of time with people who are supportive of me being clean....not only in person, but I spend a lot of time here on SR and have several friends from here that I can call or e-mail, in addition to posting here. I also have to remind myself of how BAD my relapse was....I went straight to the bottom quick, and I absolutely hated myself.

You're doing great, and I'm glad you're getting the internet back....you can come here more often:)

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

That rings so true for me. We never clearly remember the bad times, but I'm hanging on to a few really bad memories just so I can remind myself what not to do.

Hey Chiy - I can't add any better advice than what is already here...except, without knowing your family circumstances as well as you do, I would guess that anyone who loves you would be more than happy to take you to a meeting, even though you hate to ask and they may be inconvenienced. Also, have you tried getting in touch with anyone from the meetings you could make if you had a ride? Lots of people here say that they get rides to meetings from other folks in the group. Not at all trying to push a meeting on you, but if you truly want to go, pray on the options, ok? Who knows what doors might open.

I am proud of you for staying clean and for planning for March now. You can do it hun. Stay the course! Love, Jomey

I don't know if im doing this write but I guess i just wanted to make a friend I don't know anything about you but Im from hicktown florida ha ha i didnt know ya'll had one to.

m new to this and I wish i knew the best wasy to learn the ropes. I love the outdoors i come from a agricultrial background my closest neighbor is a mile and a half west i'm 25 min from a store of anykind and i love it especilly right know

I grew up in WPB. If you are talking about NY having a hick town. I am not in the city.
Welcome and hope you stick around.

I am having a rough time today. I feel sick..I feel like I cant breathe at times. I am pacing. My thoughts are everywhere. I am not bored. I am at my aunts and scared to go home where there isnt anyting to do at all.
But yet I am here with my aunt and uncle..my cousins and I still cant get these freakin thoughts out of my head!
They come and go. But I wish they would just go. I am trying really hard to distract myself. And it is working but it is not lasting.
Then I find myself wanting to watch intervention on demand because I know there are 2 episodes where they are using my DOC.
I feel like I am trying to set myself up.

Trish, I care about everyone here on sr , but there are a few I think about more. You are one of them. I have been to sick in my addiction to keep up with everyone the way I would like to, so im a little out of the loop right now.

Souds to me like you are doing great!!!

Dont sense that feeling of desperation coming from you as I did in the past.

Its really natural to be scaird and to think about using....... Thats what addicts do.

We might stop for awhile, but the urges will sneak in when they can.

Im in a similaar situation right now as far as meetings are concerned so I can relate to your dillema. I have no car and it seems like the meetings are at a time I cant make it or they are too far.

I dont know what either of us can do about that. I think we need to just get our butts to one or 2 meetings and try to hook up with someone that wouldnt mind helping us with a ride.

Meeting or no meeting I sincerely hope you continue on the right path. IMO you are doping way better than you think.

You should be proud.

Listen........... try not to worry so much about the future and avoid the what ifs, if you can.

When your family goes away, and you have a car than you can use the free time to go to meetings. That will be your chnace to get there and meet some people that can help you.

Please dont think about copping. All that progress and the new found money will go down the tubes.

I know you dont know that.

Im really rooting for you.

Remember haw great your doing and Hold on to it.

Hugs,
Beth

Hey Chiy - You are doing fine...roll with the thoughts, don't let them get the better of you...I know it's easier said than done, but I am praying for you. Keep posting! Love, J

(((((Trish)))))

All that waits for us out there is more of the same, madness, despair, desolation and finally maimed locked up or dead, I used to describe myself as one of the walking dead. Now I feel SOOO Alive. Move forward keep close to teh fellowship do what is suggested.

Kevin