My wife and I are struggling.

Old 02-09-2008, 03:26 PM
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Unhappy My wife and I are struggling.

Hi All, I truly don't know where to start. I'm seeking answers to questions that don't make sense to me. I'll do my best to be brief but if there are any gaps that I can fill in please let me know. I really need some help.

My wife and I have been married for 9 years, we've been together for almost 12 years. When we were first together we took a trip so I could introduce her to my best friend, she ended up getting drunk and making a pass at him. (He confessed years later that she had made advances on him). This happened at least 2 more times that I know of, with other guys. We ended up moving to another city and my wife was unhappy with the move, she drank almost every night - to the point of vomiting and passing out. This went on for 4-5 months.

Through the years, it would be like rolling dice if we went to a party as to whether or not she would get drunk and do something she'd regret later. Sometimes she'd just have a glass of wine and others she'd have a bottle of wine, 4 martinis and 3 beers.

There were many times she'd get drunk and when I said something she would tear into me, saying I didn't trust her and she wasn't going to put up with me anymore. I'd give in and I'D actually apologize to her.

I'm leaving a big gap here but we'll fast forward to more recent times. We were separated for 7 months and we made an effort to reconcile, although her drinking was definitely not our only issue it was one of the biggest issues for me. I told her that my one requirement for us to get back together would be for her to not touch alcohol again. She agreed, and even said she understood fully why.

When we first got back together things were great. She finally said she'd really enjoy us relaxing at home and having a glass of wine, I knew she enjoyed doing this so I said OK. Then it went to having a drink when out to dinner and then going over to friend's homes and having a few drinks - since Christmas she's been to two parties where she's drank so much she either vomited or passed out. She'd make comments the next day like "I shouldn't have had wine AND mixed drinks" or "I really didn't drink that much, I don't know why it hit me like that?" At this point she told me that she wanted me to see that she could drink without losing control, I told her I didn't need to see that I just needed her to stop drinking. She said, "Well I'd never drink if you weren't with me."

She's on a bowling league and goes bowling each Wednesday night - this used to be her big drinking place but she said she wasn't drinking there anymore. There were a few nights I suspected she'd been drinking but if I dared to question her it was the "don't you trust me" and "I'm sick of you accusing me" story. She would come in from bowling and rush to brush her teeth and soak herself in perfume.

The other night she came home from bowling and she smelled like a brewery, when I told her I smelled beer on her she said "No you don't". When I said it was strong she said she'd had two beers. From the moment she walked in I knew she was drinking - she was hyper, her voice was slurred and she was loud.

So I got mad, very mad - we were supposed to go on vacation this weekend and I told her I didn't want to go. She got mad and got very defensive, she started cutting her eyes at me and yelling at me - however her story is the opposite of mine - I yelled, I cussed, I said "I told you the one thing that could ruin this marriage in my eyes was that f*&^*&ing alcohol!" (Just trying to be honest here, I was really mad) I decided to leave the room, she was defending in and that was making me more angry - she did something she knew would upset me and then got mad at me for asking her about it???

As I was walking out of the room she got in my face and started yelling at me again, saying her alcohol was no different than my eating (I'm extremely overweight) and I had no right to say anything to her. She started pushing on my stomach with her stomach and yelling at me. I lost it... after 10 years of drinking, hiding, lying and - worst of all - getting mad at me for it, I lost it. I grabbed her by the shoulders (she says around her neck) and took about three steps, yelling something along the lines of "why in the heck would you sacrifice your marriage for 'two beers'!!!" and then I pushed her down onto the couch.

I knew the situation was way over the top - so I locked myself in our guest bedroom and tried to get some sleep. I was mad, hurt, confused... you see, other than the drinking and then defending it, my wife is the greatest woman on the face of the Earth - I love her dearly. She works very, very hard to make me happy - many times neglecting herself in the process. She loves me more than anything - and I know it. Up until a few nights ago I thought my life was perfect, my marriage was totally healed, and we were on our way to a blissful rest of our lives. But the drinking is the one thing for me that could kill that.

She left that night and hasn't been back since. She says I choked her and she'll never forgive me for that. I told her I didn't feel bad for doing it and she needed someone to slap some sense into her. Truthfully, I never want to hurt my wife in anyway but you would have to be in the situation to know how 10 years of this stuff builds up. I think I was even more upset because everything else was going so great.

She wants a divorce, she said I physically abused her and almost made her pass out. I'm just having a hard time feeling too bad about it because she's used my mess-up to totally erase what she did. She's sent me emails where she said "I wasn't lying to you, I was just blowing it off because it's no big deal" and "I never should have agreed to you asking me not to drink, but at the time I wanted to do anything to get us back together.", and "there's nothing wrong with hanging out and having a couple beers." She doesn't drink everyday, she'll go a couple weeks sometimes. She might have only had a couple beers that night but she broke a promise to me, tried to hide it, lied to me, then got defensive.

I've begged, pleaded, yelled, threatened, and begged some more. She says I'm being unrealistic. I don't know what to do at this point. Do I leave her alone and let her go? I search for the one thing to say to her that will make her see what I'm saying, but there's nothing more to say. Am I being too picky or controlling.

This would be easier if there were a lot of other things wrong, but there's not - this is my wife's one vice. But it's too much for me to handle.

So much for brief...
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Old 02-09-2008, 03:43 PM
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First of all TD I'm sorry. It can't be easy. I don;t feel qualified to offer advice at all - but there is a Friends and Family of Alcoholics Forum here - hopefully some of them will be along soon. I also hear Al Anon is good.

Welcome anyway
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Old 02-09-2008, 03:44 PM
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Welcome, TD. I am sorry for all the trouble you are experiencing. I am afraid I can't offer much more, other than maybe councelling? Like Dee said, I hear Al Anon has a lot to offer, also. The more info. you can get, the better decision you will be able to make. Best wishes, Jomey
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Old 02-09-2008, 03:52 PM
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Here is the link that Dee mentioned - I hope you find some comfort in sharing your story.
Sorry for the circumstances that brought you to us, but I'm glad that you found us.

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Old 02-09-2008, 03:53 PM
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I can't offer much more either but I do know that addicts place the blame on others and not themselves. Please don't think it is your fault when she tries to blame you for her drinking. She has a problem and needs help. Does she want to get help? No one can help anyone that doesn't want it. I also do not think you had to explain yourself for the pushing incident, everyone has a threshold and sometimes it is crossed. I am not saying it is ok to use violence but I hope it makes sense what I meant.

Good luck to you

oh I am newbie also
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Old 02-09-2008, 04:01 PM
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For what it's worth... some free advice. You didn't mention kids so I assume it's just you and your wife, correct? Then you mentioned you are very much overweight. Here is my advice. Take care of yourself, start an exercise and diet program, see a councellor, or maybe just someone who can help you see straight. Forget about your wife and her drinking for a while and let her come around to you . Once you start to feel better about yourself you will be able to deal more rationally with your wife. It sounds like you are scared to death of losing her but your actions and reactions in this relationship are working against your goal...Take care of yourself FIRST!
Good luck,
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Old 02-09-2008, 04:03 PM
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let it grow!
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nice to meet you, td. living with a problem drinker is so chaotic. i understand - my daughter is an alcoholic/addict.

have you tried alanon meetings? it really helps me.

blessings, k

keep posting!
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Old 02-09-2008, 04:19 PM
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thats a story and quite painful reading it. I hope things get better for you and hope many can learn much from your post (i have).it definitley took some courage to post it and you do many a great service for posting. I can only offer so much wisdom on this subject matter. --it does not matter what happened, drinking, lying, fighting etc. in the end you lost your temper and put your hands on a woman in an aggressive manner. In our society, this means you were wrong. men can't push women around, its just not acceptable. other than that I think counseling at some point (with or without your wife) would be healthy and many hours of private conversation with a dog or other kind of pet who is unable to tell your emotions to people would do you well. i only hope the best for you. your post keeps me sober today.
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Old 02-09-2008, 07:56 PM
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Thanks to all for the replies. I wasn't sure who to turn to with this, it was therapeutic to get it out. I actually have gone to counseling for quite a while, it helped me to see myself in a better light and be more confident in life with just me.

Reed - my wife and I were separated for 7 months and a yellow lab-mix named Boo was one of the main things that helped me through it - she's an awesome dog.

Thanks again.
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Old 02-09-2008, 08:08 PM
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Hey, TD, the only 'person' who stood by me when I stopped drinking, was my cat. It meant the world to me that he still loved at a time when I had no one else to turn to. I am glad you are seeking help and counselling is great.
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Old 02-10-2008, 09:37 AM
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Originally Posted by TDinATL View Post
Thanks to all for the replies. I wasn't sure who to turn to with this, it was therapeutic to get it out. I actually have gone to counseling for quite a while, it helped me to see myself in a better light and be more confident in life with just me.

Reed - my wife and I were separated for 7 months and a yellow lab-mix named Boo was one of the main things that helped me through it - she's an awesome dog.

Thanks again.
I can remember some of my lowest times my dog Annie was with me. They really understand and are so helpful.
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