From love to life and then to self love
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
From love to life and then to self love
There are people here who care for me like real friends. I don't know why, but i feel if i post this story from top to bottom, i'll be able to put some light into somebody that might go through this. Even if we only learn going through it, i hope this story helps people to realize the real message in this.
Some 4 months ago, i had planned a suicide. I truly know God wants me here. In the day i had my suicide prepared i fell in love completely. In that same day i accepted my bisexuality, began to accept my self and my spirit and found out how love was the most beautiful thing ever. I had never touched a man. If you ever felt real love, the kind that proves you God exists, you know what i am talking about. My partner had Hiv, i had a deep depression. I was on pills in and out. I had abused alcohol and pills before that, so my brain wasn't ok. We were very happy, we had many plans, at least it's what i recall. Many things i can't remember, because i was extremely sick and for reasons you'll read ahead. I was happy. I had forgotten i was in love with a man. I had forgotten prejudice from society, i opened up to my mother about my sexuality. And then I realized she still loved me, but many people wouldn't. My depression kept getting worse. I no longer could die. I knew God existed. But then the chemical unbalance was acting up and i had given up on meds. Back in August i had visions and i struggled with it.
So one day this guy i loved more than any song i've ever sang could ever say it...(maybe Whitney's I'll always love you could explain it...); we were together to talk. I wanted to make love, but he told me that night he'd only do it without a condom.... Only now i remember. I stopped still on that bed. I stopped for some seconds and i made a choice. I chose love. You call it what you want it, i've been on therapy, i've been in many places, but it was love. It was an act of the deepest love. I gave my life for him, in that moment. I made that choice. I can't say i regret it. Because i really believed we would be in love forever. What more could i give, if i had given my life for him?....
Because of my depression crisis the relation collapsed two days after that. I felt used, i felt my pride so hurt. This guy is one of the most amazing guys i know. He is just great. Unfortunately both of us made the wrong things to each other. I hope in another lifetime we can find each other, maybe in different genders, maybe with more evolved spirits and then be happy. I tried my best to get him to see me healthy.
I got sick two days after. I had swollen glands. I immediately thought i had hiv. I went to get tested, of course the test couldn't trace it. I cried, and cried, and cried. You can't imagine how i cried. I wanted to shout. I wanted him to hug me once again. I didn't care if i had hiv, i only wanted him to forgive me for being incredibly sick, i wanted him to forgive me for my mistakes.
Few days after that i was on a new american med, and the med was working good and promised great results. All i know is my brother by chance went to my beach house and found me without conscience and then vomiting. I started hallucinating, seeing aliens. I was rushed to a Lisbon hospital. I stayed there for two days, i was taken in by 4 people grabbing me. I don't know what state i was in, but my heart was racing, and i'm here for two reasons. Because i was a little built from sports and because God wanted me to do more. As some of you know, i saw the light in the tunnel and i was told to come back because there was more in this lifetime for me.
I came back. I had seen another person with me on the other side. I thought it was my first lover. I don't know why. I felt my life was attached to his. It's the weirdest, but most meaningful thing. But i've always felt a connection with him.
So when i woke up, i was happy, the first thing i did was message him to tell him what had happened. Unfortunately we never made it without a fight. As much growth as i have now, and as much wiser as i am, i always expected more from him. Maybe he can't give it, maybe none of us deserves the other. Maybe we're two good to be together.
So i started dating again. Trying to move on. I started falling in love, and then i fell out of love. Another person came a very short time ago. And i just wanted to have fun with a friend, but still keep my walk of spirituality. This person has Hiv too. I never had a problem with Hiv, i would never discriminate somebody because of that. Love is stronger than anything. I don't go out at night usually. I am a pretty cozy guy, but Lisbon is a very cosmopolitan city. I met transvestis, female and male hookers, i met drug dealers. My new lover the other day was drugged and i went to his house to finish our relation. (I call every "relation" relation. Because in every relation i have i put my feelings in it. Some people can separate sex and love. I can't. And in a way it's a blessing. Love is just....) I knew my path is too different. I knew what i wanted was more than a relationship. I wanted somebody that kept evolving and growing with me. I started falling. One day i ended up going to his new temporary house. I walked in the hall way and wanted to leave that minute. I crossed to the living room and i rushed out. I was in a V.I.P's house. I left that minute. In that moment i realized how much i had changed. My life had turned around completely. What i wanted was spirituality and depth, i couldn't afford any sort of superficiality back in my life. One of those days i realized i was in love with two people.
This week i've kissed him everywhere in the town. Some people almost tripped, i had so much fun. :rof..People are still filled with prejudice. It's sad people won't open their eyes. My family does not know. I've seen people look at me almost like i had a disease because i was kissing a man. I don't care even a bit. One day i'll have my family turn their back on me, and yet i don't care. I love myself very much. I will never again apologize for being alive.
Today i tried to have a talk with my first lover.
I got so sad that i went to get tested one week before the deadline.
Today i talked by chance with all my ex lovers...There are no coincidences. The third one came with me to get tested. One of the most beautiful moments ever. Even if it's not completely viable, i have a firm belief in this result, because i have a firm belief in moments and their power. I am hiv negative. Thanks to the Universe.
I have a path of self love and growth. I would love to have somebody attached to it, and keep feeling the amazing things of love. Whatever happens, i am a very happy man because at the end of the day i have me taking care of me...
One of them will be reading this. I hope one day you know the hole i came out of. And how strong i am, and how not everybody loves like i do. If we can't be happy together, i wish us both the best in our paths of life...
God bless ya my friends...Love SR....And thanks Val who always believed in me from the start. My real name is Nuno, by the way.
Some 4 months ago, i had planned a suicide. I truly know God wants me here. In the day i had my suicide prepared i fell in love completely. In that same day i accepted my bisexuality, began to accept my self and my spirit and found out how love was the most beautiful thing ever. I had never touched a man. If you ever felt real love, the kind that proves you God exists, you know what i am talking about. My partner had Hiv, i had a deep depression. I was on pills in and out. I had abused alcohol and pills before that, so my brain wasn't ok. We were very happy, we had many plans, at least it's what i recall. Many things i can't remember, because i was extremely sick and for reasons you'll read ahead. I was happy. I had forgotten i was in love with a man. I had forgotten prejudice from society, i opened up to my mother about my sexuality. And then I realized she still loved me, but many people wouldn't. My depression kept getting worse. I no longer could die. I knew God existed. But then the chemical unbalance was acting up and i had given up on meds. Back in August i had visions and i struggled with it.
So one day this guy i loved more than any song i've ever sang could ever say it...(maybe Whitney's I'll always love you could explain it...); we were together to talk. I wanted to make love, but he told me that night he'd only do it without a condom.... Only now i remember. I stopped still on that bed. I stopped for some seconds and i made a choice. I chose love. You call it what you want it, i've been on therapy, i've been in many places, but it was love. It was an act of the deepest love. I gave my life for him, in that moment. I made that choice. I can't say i regret it. Because i really believed we would be in love forever. What more could i give, if i had given my life for him?....
Because of my depression crisis the relation collapsed two days after that. I felt used, i felt my pride so hurt. This guy is one of the most amazing guys i know. He is just great. Unfortunately both of us made the wrong things to each other. I hope in another lifetime we can find each other, maybe in different genders, maybe with more evolved spirits and then be happy. I tried my best to get him to see me healthy.
I got sick two days after. I had swollen glands. I immediately thought i had hiv. I went to get tested, of course the test couldn't trace it. I cried, and cried, and cried. You can't imagine how i cried. I wanted to shout. I wanted him to hug me once again. I didn't care if i had hiv, i only wanted him to forgive me for being incredibly sick, i wanted him to forgive me for my mistakes.
Few days after that i was on a new american med, and the med was working good and promised great results. All i know is my brother by chance went to my beach house and found me without conscience and then vomiting. I started hallucinating, seeing aliens. I was rushed to a Lisbon hospital. I stayed there for two days, i was taken in by 4 people grabbing me. I don't know what state i was in, but my heart was racing, and i'm here for two reasons. Because i was a little built from sports and because God wanted me to do more. As some of you know, i saw the light in the tunnel and i was told to come back because there was more in this lifetime for me.
I came back. I had seen another person with me on the other side. I thought it was my first lover. I don't know why. I felt my life was attached to his. It's the weirdest, but most meaningful thing. But i've always felt a connection with him.
So when i woke up, i was happy, the first thing i did was message him to tell him what had happened. Unfortunately we never made it without a fight. As much growth as i have now, and as much wiser as i am, i always expected more from him. Maybe he can't give it, maybe none of us deserves the other. Maybe we're two good to be together.
So i started dating again. Trying to move on. I started falling in love, and then i fell out of love. Another person came a very short time ago. And i just wanted to have fun with a friend, but still keep my walk of spirituality. This person has Hiv too. I never had a problem with Hiv, i would never discriminate somebody because of that. Love is stronger than anything. I don't go out at night usually. I am a pretty cozy guy, but Lisbon is a very cosmopolitan city. I met transvestis, female and male hookers, i met drug dealers. My new lover the other day was drugged and i went to his house to finish our relation. (I call every "relation" relation. Because in every relation i have i put my feelings in it. Some people can separate sex and love. I can't. And in a way it's a blessing. Love is just....) I knew my path is too different. I knew what i wanted was more than a relationship. I wanted somebody that kept evolving and growing with me. I started falling. One day i ended up going to his new temporary house. I walked in the hall way and wanted to leave that minute. I crossed to the living room and i rushed out. I was in a V.I.P's house. I left that minute. In that moment i realized how much i had changed. My life had turned around completely. What i wanted was spirituality and depth, i couldn't afford any sort of superficiality back in my life. One of those days i realized i was in love with two people.
This week i've kissed him everywhere in the town. Some people almost tripped, i had so much fun. :rof..People are still filled with prejudice. It's sad people won't open their eyes. My family does not know. I've seen people look at me almost like i had a disease because i was kissing a man. I don't care even a bit. One day i'll have my family turn their back on me, and yet i don't care. I love myself very much. I will never again apologize for being alive.
Today i tried to have a talk with my first lover.
I got so sad that i went to get tested one week before the deadline.
Today i talked by chance with all my ex lovers...There are no coincidences. The third one came with me to get tested. One of the most beautiful moments ever. Even if it's not completely viable, i have a firm belief in this result, because i have a firm belief in moments and their power. I am hiv negative. Thanks to the Universe.
I have a path of self love and growth. I would love to have somebody attached to it, and keep feeling the amazing things of love. Whatever happens, i am a very happy man because at the end of the day i have me taking care of me...
One of them will be reading this. I hope one day you know the hole i came out of. And how strong i am, and how not everybody loves like i do. If we can't be happy together, i wish us both the best in our paths of life...
God bless ya my friends...Love SR....And thanks Val who always believed in me from the start. My real name is Nuno, by the way.
Last edited by Alive; 02-08-2008 at 11:19 AM.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Nuno,
This is one hell of a courageous and honest post, but then you're one hell of an honest and courageous guy. Thank you for sharing. I understand a lot better now who you are and what you've been through.
Just please always be careful tho - hiv is serious business, and you're a dear friend
I wish you well, my friend - always.
Love ya
D
This is one hell of a courageous and honest post, but then you're one hell of an honest and courageous guy. Thank you for sharing. I understand a lot better now who you are and what you've been through.
Just please always be careful tho - hiv is serious business, and you're a dear friend
I wish you well, my friend - always.
Love ya
D
.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,381
Thanks Nuno
You sound like a wonderful person. And willing to put your life on the line for someone else. But I just want to say, that if that person with HIV had as much love for you. they would not want you to put your life in danger.
You deserve someone that cares about you.
I was just looking at it a different way and hope I did not upset you. It was not meant to hurt you but to help you.
You sound like a wonderful person. And willing to put your life on the line for someone else. But I just want to say, that if that person with HIV had as much love for you. they would not want you to put your life in danger.
You deserve someone that cares about you.
I was just looking at it a different way and hope I did not upset you. It was not meant to hurt you but to help you.
smileyologist and lord of bees
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: mourning smileys near you
Posts: 2,508
Wow Nuno, glad you are finding more and more paths to peace within yourself each day... 
Like the others say though, be careful with HIV bro - thanks for sharing...
Like the others say though, be careful with HIV bro - thanks for sharing...
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I care for you Nuno. I understand you. We've talked and you know that.
I'm proud of you for your courage and honesty. You are such a wonderful person and deserve all the happiness in the world.
I'm proud of you for your courage and honesty. You are such a wonderful person and deserve all the happiness in the world.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,381
I once thought that sex was love. But there is more to it and wanted to share it.
Love is... caring, kind, and patient.
Love is... unconditional
Love is... giving and self less.
Love is... the desire to be intimate physically and emotionally
Love endures all, hopes all, bears all
Love is believing, sharing, dreaming
This helped me see there is more to love.
Love is... caring, kind, and patient.
Love is... unconditional
Love is... giving and self less.
Love is... the desire to be intimate physically and emotionally
Love endures all, hopes all, bears all
Love is believing, sharing, dreaming
This helped me see there is more to love.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Hi Nuno, thank you for trusting us with your story and for having faith that we would understand. Because of my recent "setback"
I'm way behind in reading all the threads, but I'm so glad I took the time to read yours. I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my precious life pretending to be what everyone expected me to be. It never works. I was programmed to be a completely different person than I really am. Trying to please everyone, I never developed into the person I was meant to be. I am trying to find that person now. You've done so much self-discovery in recent months. I hope you will find someone deserving of all the love you have to give. Love, Joanie
I'm way behind in reading all the threads, but I'm so glad I took the time to read yours. I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my precious life pretending to be what everyone expected me to be. It never works. I was programmed to be a completely different person than I really am. Trying to please everyone, I never developed into the person I was meant to be. I am trying to find that person now. You've done so much self-discovery in recent months. I hope you will find someone deserving of all the love you have to give. Love, Joanie
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