tommysi

Hey thank you jorney. I will find a doctor. I am just really embarrassed.

Jomey

I know...I was embarassed as you when I finally went to the doctor. (Unwisely, I waited until after I quit drinking...I say unwisely because I didn't really take into account the danger of detoxing without medical supervision). But, when I did finally get to the doc. and get a clean bill of health...after admitting how much I had been drinking and for how long (It was the hardest thing I have ever said in my life)...it was a huge weight off my shoulders. Even huger than I had imagined it to be.

I know that people say, "oh, doctors aren't fazed by anything...they hear worse everyday." That may or may not be true, but I felt no comfort in that because I definitely did not have to say or admit anything nearly so embarrassing before in my life! Maybe it would help you to remember that you have already told all of us? And we still think you are an extremely valuable human being with flaws like everyone else! Sometimes, when I have to say something hard, I practice writing it in my journal or even role-playing with my husband...it makes it easier to say everytime you say it out loud.

Feel free to pm me if you want to "talk it out".

Love, Jomey

gypsytears

Hi and welcome Tommysi . You have a great attitude and I look foward to more of your posts journaling your way towards sobriety.

tommysi

I am just scared. I have always been the proud one in the family: good grades, college degree, all that. In my extended family, there was a lot of addiction problem. They have all been labeled as "screw-ups". Now I am one of them. I am so lost. It is such hell to go through this and hide it from them. I have intense feelings of just letting it all out to them but it is so hard. I will be yet another disappointment to them. I am glad you are all here.

kari08

Hi Tommysi... I think you are telling my story.. we have a LOT in common. I know what the embarrasment feels like.. I know what not wanting to tell anyone is like. I know what it is like to be suffering and want to reach out for help but be toooo embarrased. And to not to want to get the doctors involved, but for me.. it is because I don't want to cut off my source if I ever need it again. I would like to say I can keep the bottle and just choose not to use it.. I would like to think I am that strong.. but I really don't know if I am. And I am not strong enough to flush them. Thus lies the problem with addiction. I have posted on the substance abuse board as well.. I am under the thread percocet my heaven/hell.. cause that is what I feel. let me know if you want to chat. Good to see you here!!
Kari

tommysi

Hello Kari. That is also one of my fears. What if one day I was to need them and could not get them. I am not too sure how that works. I have some too but have not got rid of them. I would definitely would like to talk to some one going through the same situation. I also feel strong but how can I be?? Using oxycodone just seemed to make life a lot easier and better. Thank you very much for your reply. I am open to chat whenever.

kari08

I know what you mean.. throu everything I have been throu.. dont know if you read some of my other posts.. but looooong story short.. 9 surgeries later.. and years of chronic pain.. I have been on just about everything legal you can find.. and never had a problem until I found percocet. Damn it!! And this one.. this one was totally different.. didn't make me strung out.. didn't make me tired.. didnt give me a hang over feeling.. just made me feel.. like me before all the surgery.. energy and happy. Now.. I am finding .. the tolerance to the original doses are building.. and what used to work for the pain doesn't.. and it wasn't lasting as long.. so that is the wake up call..hellloooo even if I wanted to stop.. my body threw a major fit. So.. I am working hard to get off.. today only one pill all day.. and that is huge.. I made it all day.. but the craving was driving me mad but it was the pain that finally did me in. one day at a time.. that is all I can do.. all I can say for now.. and I too need to get to some meetings because I know I spend way too much time alone to do this by myself. I am my worst enemy. And I am like you.. the one in the family that went to college and got two degrees.. and whoooo we are all sooo proud of you.. yeah and how about now? I understand where you are.
blessings
Kari

tommysi

Oh yes Kari, I have read your posts. Just remember, a lot of it is in your head. One pill is great!! See, you are doing it!! What if you took one pill, split it into two, and took half in the morning and half at night?? I am not a doctor but maybe you could sort of "fool" yourself into thinking that you were taking more???... I found that when I was up to 500 mgs a day, I started to feather it down. Instead of doing a whole 80 mg at once, I would split it up. Then when I got the urge, just do like half or a quarter. That helped me out.

I too have a nice medical history. I used to attend UVM (Vermont). I played hockey and rugby. I even graduated high school early and was only 17 when I was there. Well, during breaks I would come home and do construction. I had an accident at work where I had a 3200 lb 6'6" diameter template dropped on the right side of my body. Massive head injury, destroyed my right knee and leg, coma for 4 days. Long story short, I was in a wheel chair for about 2 years, in and out of physical rehab. Had to start college all over 3 years later; what a pain. But I did make it. Now just dealing with this.

Thank you for your correspondence, it means a lot to me. Sorry for going off on such a tangent.

kari08

Well OMG.. what an ordeal you have been throu.. and what a huge blessing you are alive to talk about it!! I am doing the splitting thing too.. and yeah.. helps big time.. but that is today.. and today has been pretty evened out.. tomorrow.. back to work and a whole new game.. but I am staying positive! I have to. I know during the last few times I increased my doses to well above what I usually take.. I was overwhelmed by horrible urges to just end it all.. and that scared the crap out of me.. looking back and having my best friend tell me the things I told her.. I do not want to live my life like that. That was during the mixing phases of hydrocodone.. oxycontin,valium, and an occasional dilaudid just for kicks. ... after surgery in october. And I know there will be more surgery in the future.. scares the crrraaapp out of me. I tried the last one.. with no narcs.. they did the whole thing with just a block in my spine. Was good until they stopped the epidural.. then would have rather been run over by a semi. So uughh.. anyway.. vampin away here.. I am glad you are on the board!! feel free to pm me anytime.
Kari

nogard

hi tommy, welcome to SR

tommysi

Hello Nogard!! Thank you. How's it going?? My gosh Kari!! That is quite an ordeal you have been through!! I will definitely be PMing you soon. Hope all is well!!! Be careful and good luck to you and every one!!

nogard

well here Tommy and with you?

Kevin

tommysi

I am doing great!! I am so excited!! I have actually started to feel real feelings!! whether happy or sad, they are real!!! YES!!