Negative Man

Hi Everyone. My housemates are throwing a party tonight, and yes, I could just leave the house and go somewhere else, but I've decided to stay instead. Many of the people coming over are my friends, and though there will be beer and wine, I'm going to rely on my 20 days sobriety and drink tea and juice and try to have a good time.

It will be one of life's tests, so if you could keep me in your thoughts, I'd really appreciate that.

It brings up an issue though: How do people handle going out to, or hosting, parties where there will be alcohol? My plan is to have fun non-alcoholic drinks on hand, lean on my friends who know that I have quit, and to simply ask my HP for help if I need it.

An AA person once told me: If you go to a shoe store enough times, you'll buy a pair of shoes. (i.e. If you go to a bar or a party, you'll eventually drink). But I don't want to cut off my friends, and I also don't want to live a life of avoidance.

Any thoughts or discussions would be much appreciated. Thanks!

theonlyway

HEY NM.....

wow -- you know, I've been quoting John's shoe store story all DAY!! ...and having the same discussion...

I feel the same way... I'm already missing my friends, but they don't hang out at my house... (husband, kids, etc...) we hang at the "local place"...

Thursday is one of our typical 5:00 traditions... I watched them all "go in" yesterday and SO wanted to go. John's words last night really hit home with me, as I know they did with you, and they've been on my mind a lot today.

I dont' have the answer, we all know...

BUT -- know that i AM thinking of you... Holding you close in thought and prayer tonight through your journey... Take John's HP with you, too, ya know?

Have a good time and be careful, my friend......

HUGS

Luckyv2

We are taught to avoid people, places and things. Still today and today I am celebrating 20 months clean there is no reason for me to go to any party....where there is alcohol unless...I think that my apprearance is really needed and I doubt that.

I only know of my own ESH and when I kept doing the same things I kept getting the same results.

Back in March of 2004 I was one month and one week of having two years clean. I was with a girl who was living with me. To make a long story short (and we are both in the program) she was sitting there and said I only want one hit.

She called someone they came over and left with $300.00 a hour went by and they came back empty handed. I thought that is a bunch of crap....

I have been out of the game for almost two years, I said I will be back shortly.

I came back and even though I was telling myself I wouldn't use, I ended up using. It wasn't no ones fault but my own....

The funny part was that in the ride to get it I remember the thought that maybe I should call my sponsor....

I remember praying "OH GOD don't let me do this"

The point is that I had already planned it before it even happened.

Relapse doesn't happen right now...it happens days and months before you pick up. Well that is my ESH

theonlyway

hey NM....
where ya at bud?

ANGELINA243

NM, I don't understand why you would put yourself in such a compromising position so very early in sobriety. Even though you do have more time than I do right now--I know I couldn't go to a "party" that soon. Just being around people I used to drink with would make me very uncomfortable. I will be thinking of you--maybe you are stronger than I am. Just remember what you told me..."Just for Today". I really did like that previous post. It helped me alot. Stay safe--call someone if you need to. Get out of there and go somewhere else if you feel even the slightest temptation. My thoughts/prayers are with you.

StayinAlive

Yikes dude.

theonlyway

i am handing over my worry about you for the night.....

I pray that all is well...

i'll summons the courage to dump that bottle tomorrow, too...

Thank you SR..... Thank you NM.....

Hugs and Peace~

CarolD

My experience?

All my co workers and friends drank excessively.
We were single...in a city...nice apartments...
had jobs and money was no problem.

When I decided to quit...no one else was interested
nor thought I should stop.
My lover thought I was 'in a phase"

I dumped the lover...changed jobs ...gave away my
booze and bar....stopped going to parties and bars.

Why? Because saving my sanity was the most
important thing I could do.
My alcoholism had manifest itself in depression.

I met new sober friends in AA who shared the same
goals and lifestyles that I yearned for.
We did all sorts of interesting things....sans alcohol.

Since I quit drinking...25 people I knew then died
from alcoholism. Not one died while sober.

Not all friends or loves are forever
We touch...move apart...leave memories.
I had childhood friends...teen friends...married couples
Army friends...business friends....alcoholic friends
However....
the group who has consistently shown me
a healthy future filled with joy are the AA ones.
What an awesome adventure this is!!

barb dwyer

NM-

I hope it goes well for you.

Personally - my own alcoholism was such that I avoided any kind of situation like that at all costs. Because I knew I couldnt trust my own vigilance to keep me sober.
Now, seventeen months later ... there's very little that would get me out into that kind of drinking situation; but now it's because I've discovered so much more for life to be centered around, and accented by and celebrated with than alcohol and/or drugs.

While I personally think it's playing with fire - I also think your choices are yours ... and I hope to heck you log in later to let some of us who worry more than others know how everything is.

gravity

Hey NM,

If you find that you are not having a good time, just leave. Or even log on to SR. I've been around alcohol several times in my first 40 days - sometimes it doesn't bother me at all & I have fun, sometimes it starts getting to me. The big risk? That split second where all reasoning goes out the window and you have a drink. Please be careful. All the best!

barb dwyer

I guess I should metion that -
over the holiday - I got invited to one of those kind of parties you are kind of 'obligated' to go to - and when I got there - they hadn't TOLD me it was a primarily DRINKING party.
I *have* graduated myself to parties where I know in advance there's going to be drinking - then I can prepare myself, ya know?
Whether it was the holiday or whatever - I was completely caught off guard by the 'old time party' atmosphere .. and I asked to be taken home. IT was tougher to ask to be taken home than it was to just up and leave. The person who I went with is an established alcoholic, and was angry because she was hyped to start her OWN drinking. My asking to go home interrupted that.

KInda like taking a ham bone from a pit bull kind of feeling.

So I went outside, and was calling a cab when someone else came out and offered me a ride home. Someone who also wasn't thrilled about the drinking.

I really REALLY didn't want to anger my friend ...
But I did it.

That's what I mean by making a choice.

I chose to remain sober.

Uh one other little aspect to be taken into account ...
I've only been sober for Seventeen months.
*shrug*
Choosing sobriety over everything else,
is starting to set in with me now.

Hope you check in...

Negative Man

Hi All. Thanks for all of your posts. I didn't mean to worry anyone: just wanted your thoughts my way and also your general thoughts on these situations.

I had a good time at the party and didn't drink any alcohol. Onto sober day 21 tomorrow!

I did have a moment though: talking with someone who was drinking white wine. I knew it was her first glass and that there was an open bottle in the house. It was tough for a moment, knowing that I could go to the refrigerator. That was my drink of choice, and it felt different than having red wine or beer in the house. I definitely called on the HP in that moment.

Overall though, I was really thankful and happy to not be drinking. I definitely had a better time being sober. And I'm glad I got to hang out with some friends.

Anyways, I hope people will keep posting here about their experiences. I learned a lot by reading what you wrote. And I guess most importantly: I knew the night would be trying on me, and so I started by coming to my friends here at SR and asking for their help.

It worked! You guys are tops.

RK2007

I have some party experience since quitting the booze and it's a mixed bag...

I enjoyed myself at Halloween; guess it was the costumes and all the goofy stuff, I was actually just a couple of weeks into my recovery so I was pretty fierce about it and actually enjoyed myself even though everybody else was getting fired in...

New year I was miserable though and came home early...

If you feel you can handle it Negative Man, then go for it and by all means have a great time if you can - but you'll have to be strong!!!

You need to maybe ask if it's worth putting your sobriety at risk though if you think you might be tempted, don't fall into the trap of making a wee excuse that it's ok to drink because everybody else is...

Hope you do what is right for you, if you go then have a good time and remember that there are other people on Earth that are sober as well tonight, lol!!!

EDIT - Just noticed you've already been to the party; glad you had a good time and stayed sober!!!

nodrinkingzone

Hi Positive Man, glad to hear you enjoyed yourself!

PAAARTAY!!

I have had a long couple of days, so I'd like to share in your thread if that's ok...

Last night I caught up with a guy that I'm starting up a band with - it's an alt.country/folk sort of band, and we're just mucking around writing tunes at the moment. He brought around a case of beer, threw a six pack in the fridge, and we got to it. I told him straight away that I'm not drinking any more, and he said he's given up smoking dope, so we had a chuckle and got on with it. It was hard for about 10 seconds, and then my HP kicked in and I got myself a cup of tea.

We wrote a couple of great tunes, and had a good night sober. This is something that I've been worried about, because music is linked with smashedness (? lol) for me, and has been for 15 years. I also know that if I want to enjoy music again, I have to learn to love playing it sober.

Today was Australia Day, widely celebrated as a public holiday (and Saturday too!) and a great excuse for a nation-wide ****-up. Sort of like Australia's St Patrick's Day (we celebrate that too, because... good excuse for a party, y'know?). Like millions of other Australians, I was invited to a BBQ, so I made a big bowl of potato salad, armed myself with a 2L bottle of Coke and headed over.

Lots of booze, but it was ok - told people I wasn't drinking, told them I was 41 days without a drop, and had a few people tell me that they have thought about quitting alcohol because it's not helping them. Surprisingly, it was pretty easy, but I know if it was back in the old days I would've gotten smashed.

I would not recommend this to anyone else, but I need to be able to function and feel good, I need to look good and get strength from people who have seen me completely wasted on stage, in front of rooms full of people, and see that I'm better without booze. I need them to tell me that, because that is what will keep me sober.

I also need to be around people just so that I can feel what it's like to be around people sober again, so that I don't atrophy and shut myself off from the world any more than I already do. I'm a social person, and I don't go out very much as it is, but I don't want to be restricted any more than I have to, so I need to continue to say no and enjoy myself anyway.

I wish all of you the very best in recovery for today, it's 2am and I'm exhausted. Today was a good day, I can remember it all, people enjoyed my company and I enjoyed theirs, and I have been invited to another party in a month because I am now pleasant company.

This is actually happening, and it feels great.

theonlyway

NDZ~ Thank you for that story... And CONGRATS on your strength, conviction and newfound personality! How fun!!

I'm only starting Day 6 and I know I'm not ready for that yet...

HOWEVER -- I have a friend... 4 years sober, one of my "bar" friends... He's always there, plays in the band, always has a soda in hand...

i *WANT* to believe that that can be me... I would like to hear from some *double digit* AA or Recovered veterans that are similarly "ok" in an atmosphere like that on a regular basis.....

??

SF69

Negative Man - That's great to hear that things went well for you. Glad to see that you kept strong.

Nodrinkingzone - Thanks for posting about your band situation. I'm a musician too, so I definitely can relate to how it is with alcohol and drugs being around in the scene. And I don't know if this will help, but when my band played out this past Wednesday (my first
sober show in I don't know how long), I only made one minor mistake in a song. As opposed to messing up 15 to 20 times a show when I was drinking. So if nothing else, sobriety will make you a better musician.

Onlyway - Enjoy day 6. And if you're worried about having a drink when you go to dump that wine, maybe take the bottle outside and smash it. It's instantaneous, and possibly theraputic.

nodrinkingzone

Actually SF69, I would like to thank you for posting about your band situation, because I am only just getting the nerve up to play on my own again - you've already done a gig!

Well done mate, thanks for the inspiration - I know I sing better without 4 beers and 2 vodka shots in me, I just couldn't face the stage without them until now...

SF69

Thanks! But I can't lie, I was shaking a little with nerves right before we started. But after about 30 seconds of our first song, not sure how to explain it, but l felt the music kick-in, and it felt great. And I was fine after that.

The other test for me was after we were done when people would come up and want to buy me a beer or a shot. I've never turned down free booze in my life. Until then. I just politely said "No thanks, I got to get up early for work tomorrow". Which worked (except for one guy who said "C'mon, it's only one." So I told him that I can't have 'only one'. And he seemed cool with it).

So keep up with it, and much success with your music!

Jersey Nonny

Most of my "friends" were in the bars, except for long-time co-workers. The former weren't interested in my AA experiences, but the latter were very supportive of my recovery.

AA became the place I socialized...going to non-drinking AA functions was were I learned you can really enjoy doing everything you did before (even better) without drinking. At home, it was an alcohol-free zone, and the many house parties I gave included mostly people I met in AA. We even had several Super Bowl Parties...lots of food, half-time games, loads of fun!

Quote:

I remember praying "OH GOD don't let me do this"

The point is that I had already planned it before it even happened.

Relapse doesn't happen right now...it happens days and months before you pick up. Well that is my ESH

I totally agree, Vic! The one time I relapsed, I had set myself up for failure...I was a relapse waiting to happen. My sponsor asked, "Why didn't you call me before you drank." My response, "Because I knew you would have tried to talk me out of it." Well, DUH!!!

nogard

Glad your OK. I don't go to any place I don't need to go to today as its not healthy for me to play with fire.

Kevin