trying to be

i dont want to hurt all the people i love with this sickness, they all depend so much on me. i love them so much. its been so easy to hide all these years. now its surfacing like a volcano. i didn't mean to make u cry dean, i'm sorry. but if it helps, i'm crying too

vashti45

[QUOTE=trakin;1654250]

Sometimes I want to drink because of the many things that come up on a daily basis, that can make me feel crazy and angry. Sometimes I want to drink because I feel guilty for feeling crazy and angry, because I have every reason to be happy. Don't know if you know what I mean.

QUOTE]

I know exactly. Drinking has been my crutch for getting through the ordinary and not so ordinary frustrations and challenges of family life. More on that large topic later.

Krissy--thanks. And SF. I have to remember that the good parts are still there, even when the frustrations and challenges mount.

Gotta go. Hubby was unable to get the younger two kids to school at all because he's so dysfunctional. So he brought them here to the office, where I just finished eating my lunch (and visiting here). Now I have a 1:30 court call to get ready for and two kids who haven't been fed lunch. Lovely.

Talk to you guys later--

trying to be

i'm everybody elses rock, i wanna, heck, i just dont know

Negative Man

Trying to be... You can best help the people around you by getting yourself healthy and happy. If you believe that drinking is getting in the way of your health and happiness (It definitely did for me), then help yourself first by recovering. Then, you'll be an even better rock to the people around you.

I'm only on day 23, so let me know if you have any questions about beginning. Best of luck to you!

trakin

Hey Trying...I'm crying with you too. I know just how you feel. Lots of us in here do. That's why we're here. Just keep trying. Stay with us and we can all help each other. You've taken a great step in the right direction already by posting in here!

I had more than thirty days, and I can tell you it does get much better. I fell off the wagon three days ago and am suffering for it more than I would have thought possible.

The first thing to do is come up with a plan. Would you consider AA? Therapy?
Some other kind of support program? Think seriously about what you are willing to do to change your life for the better, and keep that vision of a better, healthier, happier you in the forefront of your mind.

I suggest you post and introduce yourself out in the larger forum. There are lots of really knowledgeable, compassionate, helpful people there who can give you some advice and, perhaps even more important at this point, some hope.

Keep posting in this thread too. We'll be here for you. I'll save you a comfy seat and share my extra heavy-duty seatbelt with you for as long as you need it. Okay?

Hugs & tears,

Trakin

trying to be

i've never felt so absolutely lost before. i cant get the stuff done around the house without a big dose of loritab, afternoon time is more loritab and a bit of valium. then for dinner its xanax n a glass of wine. its so pathetic, i am so ashamed. thank you so much for writing to me. i barely leave the house anymore

trakin

I just pm-ed you back Trying...

nodrinkingzone

*sniff*

good luck guys, take it easy today. Be gentle with yourselves.

Mr. Patch

Trying: We are all pulling for you. It sounds like you have some "cross-addictions". I understand about being the "rock" also... But, I have come to learn that when I am sick, the entire family is sick. My whole family is suffering from alcoholism. We all need help.

As others have said, you must first take care of yourself before you can take care of others. It sounds like you may need to take some time just for you to begin your recovery process. Have you considered inpatient treatment?

For me, although I have recently relapsed, inpatient was my stepping stone. It was a place for me to go and focus on ME, not my wife, not my kids, not even my dog... (which by the way, even though I love my wife and kids... I REALLY MISSED MY DOG!) (He's the only one who never, moaned, groaned or complained, he never once said anything about my behavior or even how my breath smelled.) His name is Mr. Patch!

I had to go to stop, because everyone was counting on me and the pressure was too much. And now looking back, I realize noone could count on me because I was ALWAYS drinking! Now, my wife leaves me "honey-do lists" and I actually get a lot of them done each day! It feels good! But, it would have never happened without me going to treatment.

Anyway, I have 11 DAYS TODAY! :nanaroc: And it feels great! I still have moments including today of struggling, but posting here has really helped. There are so many of us working on the road to recovery. It's nice to know I am not alone. (And neither are you).

Take care and keep posting!

God Bless...

Longsleeves

Hi guys, day 2 for me I guess. I can normally go about 3 days a week without drinking, so I can't say it's all that impressive yet. I feel like I'm starting to lose my resolve though...now that I don't have that hungover feeling, or the guilt from the night before...drinking is starting to seem less like a problem and more like a "hobby" again. That voice, "it's really not a problem". I know it's pretty lame rationalization. I just really need to make it through this week and weekend. Trying to stay positive, taking active steps to stay busy and away from friends that are drinking / going out.

My ultimate goal is to just be "normal". Have a handful of drinks a month. A single glass of wine with dinner. I honestly feel that if I can manage some time off (a week, two weeks, 4 months...) to think about drinking...not entirely sure where I was going with this thought. haha.

scaredykat

Hi guys, finally made it on here. Computer is still not right. I made it through another day sober. Just finished 10 days. I went to a meeting tonight since the computer is acting weird. My husband tinkered with it for a while. It's better then it was, but not right yet. He might have to take it to work with him and have the one guy look at it for him.

Welcome to Trying to be and longsleaves. I have no words of wisdom tonight except to never give up trying. This forum is a lifesaver if you use it.

Barb

belchoir

I normally would have been at the bar by now. I would like to have a day one, but I need to wake up sober tomorrow. I made it six years and fell off a year ago. It really is true that you will always return to where you left off, the only problem is that I make more money than I did last time so that isn't as straining a factor. Either way, by body is asking me to stop. I don't know if my mind is better off with or without. I keep thinking I could just have a few beers or glasses of wine while I read so if I can quit tomorrow it will be easier.

scaredykat

Welcome Belchoir. We're glad your here.

If you made it 6 years before you can do it again. Were you in AA before when you had the 6 years? If you were. Go back to them. I had almost 2 years in 92'. I didn't think I would ever want to be sober again. But I did. Now I'm trying again. I'm a lot happier and healthier when I'm sober.

Barb

Longsleeves

i can honestly say that reading the posts on this board has been so positive for me the past two days, and reading your stories and posts have made me totally re-evaluate myself. The past two nights, when I got that "downtime urge" to drink I instead just scrolled through your stories of frustration and hope.

Mcribb

that guilt is there for a reason

Dean62

How are you doing this morning trying? I agree with Mr. Patch, you don't have to be the rock right now. If your like me that will just keep you in your addiction.

Longsleeves don't listen to that voice. Stop now before you waste more of your life. Does anyone hear remember the 90's?

Scaredykat CONGRADULATIONS on 10 days, you are an inspiration. Thank you.

belchoir like longsleeves inside your head is the worst place to be. We have lost the ability to have a few beers.


It's day 4 at 5:30am and I'm off to work for the next 12 hours. I wish I was a morning person.

I hope you all have a good day.

Dean.

SF69

Day 10 and feelin' great! (well, maybe not great, but pretty damn good).

Just wanted to thank everybody again for helping me to get far.

vashti45

Longsleeves, Trying, Belchoir--and everyone (Krissy, Patch, Barb, Trakin, SF, NDZ ... you know who you are ;-)

Trying---I sent you a private message, but I'm not sure it went through. Let me know.

I want to add that your posts, about the first very difficult days, help me enormously. I'm only on Day 11, but that is a huge accomplishment for me, and I couldn't have done it without all of you. Those ahead of me for their support and wisdom. Those of you just a tad behind me because you remind me of how awful those first days were, and that strengthens my resolve.

Well, I'm awfully late again today. The sleeping is getting so much better that I slept more than an hour later! No 4:30am feeding the chickens wake up--wow.

Have a great day all--

Jana

Longsleeves

vashti, congrats on Day 11! I know it's a struggle.

yeah I had no idea I would be having so much trouble sleeping. Hopefully doing more running at the gym will wear me out a little. Staying positive, going to the library till close tonight so I'm not at my apartment with nothing to do...

Still kind of dreading this weekend's temptations, with my entire group of friends going out Thursday, Friday, massive party Saturday and Superbowl Sunday. OH well, one day at a time right? Chances are I'll be spending all weekend here reading posts.

belchoir

I almost made it. I was doing so well last night but I got one call to go out with some friends to one place, a woman called and invited me for a beer at her favorite bar, and then a friend called from my regular bar and asked where I was. I told them all I was going to take it easy for the night. Within a half hour I was standing by my back door with my coat on thinking "what the hell am I doing? The alcohol put my coat on for me and put the keys in my hand. The alcohol is dragging the real me to the bar" Today I am going to try for a daytime meeting, the one that started my 6 year sober streak. Tonight I'm turning my phone off.