sodetermined

Hi! I am new to this board. I'm so confused, so hurt and am hoping that maybe some recovering alcoholics could make me understand and sort things out.

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. He is an active alcoholic, and has also used drugs. We have gone through many ups and downs, separted and gotten back together. I am a codependent, and have learned a lot about my own illness over the past 2 years. I still struggle very much with detaching from him. I love him, but he has hurt me a lot.

Well this past weekend, he left all weekend. He does this more and more. He will leave for the weekend and expect to come back home. I always take him back, even though I say I won't. I'm trying hard to be strong this time. Well there is something new. I was told that he was hitting on other women, and even though it didn't happen this time, no doubt in my mind he would have cheated on me. This has me crushed. I am devasted. I have been crying all week. Now he's calling and wants to come back home. He denies that any of this happened, and blames me for everything, of course.

I know he loves me, as much as he can anyway. I love him, but I need to take care of me.

I am struggling with understand the cheating. This girl is not even pretty, she is not a good person, why would he want to cheat on me with someone else? Does the alcohol just make you not care at all? How can you love someone else and yet not care about hurting them? Why did he do this? I can't stop thinking about it....and it has me feeling not good about myself at all, on top of the verbal abuse for the last few years.

When he is good to me, he is very good. I feel if I take him back right away, he will just hurt me again, but I fear if I won't, he'll just move on, but he has a history of being with a woman for a long time and then when she gets tired of it, she ends it but then he is devastated and wants her back.

tellus

Welcome to SR, hon, sorry you're going through this.

While I've never cheated on a significant other, I've certainly gone into an unhealthy relationship or two while I was drinking. One thing they told us at the treatment center which made a lot of sense to me: you go after people who are in the same place (mentally, emotionally) you are. So for me, I went after guys who were as or more f*cked up than I was. He may very well love you with all his heart--if he's anything like I was, he's likely (unconsciously or consciously) doing this to hurt himself, not you. (I hope that makes sense.)

BUT. You're right, you need to take care of you. You do not deserve to be abused (even verbally), cheated on (even emotionally), or put through any of this. Unfortunately, active alcoholics don't tend to make for very healthy relationships.

Take care, hon. Maybe putting your foot down this time will be the kick in the pants he needs, eh?

sodetermined

I don't think he was looking for a relationship, in fact I'm pretty sure he would have just had sex with her, probably not even kissed her (too emotional). Why would he do this to hurt himself? I mean, I never turn him away for sex, I have always been there for him, always try to keep him happy, in hopes that he will "see the light" and want to stay home, it hurts so bad when he leaves. It hurts even worse that he was going to be unfaithful.

I thank you for your reply.

Well, unfortunately, I have this fear that if I stick to my guns, that instead of him hitting bottom and realizing what he has and motivating him to want recovery, that he will leave me. Messed up, eh?

tellus

By cheating physically or emotionally, he hurts you, and that in turn hurts him. Nothing hurts more than knowingly hurting someone you love, and I think most of us alkies are masochists to some degree. We love to make ourselves miserable.

Do whatever is going to make you the happiest, hon. Whether that's staying with him and risking being cheated on, or putting your foot down and risking being left. I guess it's up to you to decide which is worse.

Remember, you said it yourself, you need to take care of you.

Rowan

Hi - I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Have you posted in our Friends and Families section yet? You may find it helpful to speak with other members who are going through similar things.

I'm glad that you found us.

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, soconfused. have you tried alanon meetings? they really help me (i'm the mom of an alcoholic/addict).

keep posting! k

sodetermined

Well, I guess the key is for me to decide which hurts worse...being with him, and having security and happiness some of the time, and trying to stick it out and risk being hurt again and again...or just being strong and taking the risk that he will leave, and be without him. This week, I have struggled every day with this pain, and usually, I end up taking him back because I can't bear the pain, and then I get hurt once again and it starts all over.

sodetermined

So at the time, he does realize...this he's hurting me, and he just doesn't care? Because it seems like he doesn't even care at all. I realize I'm spending too much time on worrying about what he feels, and not on myself, but sometimes for me, it helps if I can understand his addiction, and how he feels.

Rowan

I agree that you're spending too much time worrying about what he is thinking and feeling. It really is empowering to think about how you feel and what you are thinking.
You know the outcome of going back to him, and you'll keep doing so until you are ready to do differently.
Take care of yourself.

Missymae737

Hello,

The problem is with HIM, not you...I have been where you are at and I know all to well the torment we put on ourselves...We blame ourselves...

Once a cheater, always a cheater../.

You deserve so much more...

Thinking of you...

sodetermined

Why does he cheat?

Rowan

No one can accurately answer that for you.

nandm

Active alcoholics do things that seem insane because the alcoholism has made them insane. He does those things because he is an active alcoholic. I personally never cheated during my active alcoholism but know people who did. Some stopped the behavior once they got sober and some did not.

I would suggest you look into ALANON it is a group of people who have active alcoholics in their lives. The group helps people attain the tools and understaning to live with the active or recovered alcoholic. There is also a friends and family forum here you might find useful. There is a lot of exerience, strength and hope there. Here is the link
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

sodetermined

Yes, that is where I need to be. Thank you.