Brought to my knees once again
Community Greeter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Brought to my knees once again
It came out of nowhere. After New Year's I met a friend for lunch. She ordered a beer. WITHOUT GIVING IT A SINGLE THOUGHT, I did too. No little warning voice came. That "one beer" led to over 2 weeks of 24/7 drinking. Back to my old trick of going to the store after my husband left for work to buy more so he wouldn't know how much I drank during the day, back to staying up until 4am, back to picking fights and being confrontational, back to not answering the phone or door, back to shutting everyone out and feeling that my life is pointless. Towards the end of 2 weeks I got out of bed and stood there, gripping the bureau to steady myself. From deep in my soul came a prayer, "Please raise me up out of this hell - just one more time!" A strange calm came over me. I can only imagine what my blood alcohol level might have been at that moment, but I knew what I had to do. I got on SR and searched for the thread from Dec. 4 titled, "Quitting, what to expect, what we did." (Bless you, CarolD) Beer in hand, I read every post. I knew I was in danger and had to be careful. My heartfelt thanks to all of you who posted on that thread, the long and scary posts by Jfnagle, Tazman, GreenTea, RobB, Rusty & Astro especially. I'm forever indebted to you all, for I feel you helped save my life. Trying to do the right thing, I went to a doctor I'd never seen before. The appointment was beyond bizarre. He asked how much I drank. When I told him he said, "Why do you drink so much? What's wrong at home?" Huh?!? I told him I was quitting and was afraid to stop abruptly. He said he wouldn't prescribe anything to help calm my nerves because it would be hard on my liver. He said to cut my drinking down to a 6-pack a day. Alrighty then! After that, I knew I was on my own. With no insurance right now, I couldn't afford the thousands it would cost for detox, but I had a plan. I bought some good vitamins (especially B) and nutritious food - I'd been living off the beer, not eating. My plan was to slowly wean myself off the beer, less each day until I felt I could stop altogether. On the last day I just sipped a few. They tasted bitter and like poison. I poured the last one down the drain on Jan. 15. I looked like absolute hell, blood red eyes with a terrible, fearful look in them, ghostly white skin. During my do-it-yourself detox, as I lay in bed quivering, terrified to fall asleep because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up - all the things we've discussed on SR kept running through my mind. All your stories, all your setbacks, all your triumphs. Because of you, I didn't waste time feeling sorry for myself or whine about losing my sober time. Because of you, I'm not ashamed or discouraged. Because of you, this time it's different - I'm happy and excited, something that was lacking before. I'm not grieving over this, I'm not taking a backward step. Maybe I needed still further proof of what we're dealing with here. It is the end of the road for me. I can't dance with the devil again, next time I'll not make it out alive, I feel certain of that. I love you my SR family, and the things I've said in the past about your importance in my life still hold true!! I would have asked for your help, if only I'd seen this coming. I'd also like to add that I'm in awe of those of you who are trying to get well when you have children, careers, and other health issues to deal with. I am so thankful to be back among the living, ready to do battle with our disease once again. Love, Joanie
I would like to dedicate this thread to Nogard (Kev) who means more than he knows to his SR family. His current thread inspired me to tell my story, since he's always had the courage to share his.
I would like to dedicate this thread to Nogard (Kev) who means more than he knows to his SR family. His current thread inspired me to tell my story, since he's always had the courage to share his.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,031
(((Joanie))) Wow! I'm not even sure how to respond except to say that I'm glad you're here to post this story and share your experience with everyone on SR. That's a miracle and a blessing, you're an inspiration to me because you persevered and never gave up.
It doesn't matter what brings you back to recovery, I'm just grateful that you made it back. Even with a couple years of sobriety I'm still brought to my knees emotionally and mentally every so often. It only serves to remind me that "faith without works is dead", I need to remain ever vigilant over my sobriety and work the program without fail every day. And ya know what? It feels great!
You have so much to share Joanie, trust me when I tell you that your life will never be pointless.
Scott
It doesn't matter what brings you back to recovery, I'm just grateful that you made it back. Even with a couple years of sobriety I'm still brought to my knees emotionally and mentally every so often. It only serves to remind me that "faith without works is dead", I need to remain ever vigilant over my sobriety and work the program without fail every day. And ya know what? It feels great!
You have so much to share Joanie, trust me when I tell you that your life will never be pointless.
Scott
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
I have little to add either Joanie...just that your courage inspires me and I'm glad you're back 
and thanks for the reminder - it only takes one drink to bring you back to the madness.
And I'd like to say to everyone...we might never see it coming, but it's never too late to ask for help...that's what we're for!
love ya
D
and thanks for the reminder - it only takes one drink to bring you back to the madness.
And I'd like to say to everyone...we might never see it coming, but it's never too late to ask for help...that's what we're for!
love ya
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 213
Maybe you don't remember...
...but you responded to my posts when i first started here at SR. I think you even PM'd me when I was really struggling and forsaken and down...you helped me. I'd like to try and return the favor...I have 15 days today...in large part to you and the others here....please keep reaching out...I need people like you. People willng to listen and help...willing to be honest and vulnerable. I'm trying to be that way and stay sober one day at a time. Good luck.
Community Greeter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
I do remember, Rob, and just think - that was only days before I tanked again myself. You're an inspiration to me, too, because I know you were at a very low point in your life when you first arrived here and you've made so much progress. (I've been lurking....) I sense some of your bitterness is gone. I'm so happy for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 27
That "one beer" led to over 2 weeks of 24/7 drinking. Back to my old trick of going to the store after my husband left for work to buy more so he wouldn't know how much I drank during the day, back to staying up until 4am, back to picking fights and being confrontational, back to not answering the phone or door, back to shutting everyone out and feeling that my life is pointless.
I'm new but wanted to say THANK YOU for posting that... I think you might be my long lost twin lol... I am SO happy that you made it back out - and that Doctor - I don't even know what to say...
This is my day one (again) and reading your post hit home. That's me almost word for word.
That must have been so hard, and you are so positive and honest about it - such an inspirational post.
Congrats and wishing you the best
taking it one day at a time
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 67
What a moving thread. Thank you very much Joanie.
Being in my early days of sobriety, that story hit me real hard. It reminds me that one drink is all I need to set me on my way again.
Thanks for sharing and I wish all the best for you.
You have plenty of support here, anytme you need it :ghug
Being in my early days of sobriety, that story hit me real hard. It reminds me that one drink is all I need to set me on my way again.
Thanks for sharing and I wish all the best for you.
You have plenty of support here, anytme you need it :ghug
Lurker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Western NC
Posts: 783
Glad to see you back. I hope you are doing OK today. I was just wondering if you have any program in mind inorder to stay sober. There are many out there, and there is no other support like F@F with another alky.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: San Antonio, Texas
Posts: 143
courage
I wanted to add my thanks, Joanie, for your courage and honesty. Remember that you have our strength, thoughts and prayers--coming at you from all parts of this spiritual virtual community. 
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