Originally Posted by Hevyn

Last night when I went to bed not many had viewed my thread & I was afraid maybe some were thinking I was a hypocrite, or that the post was too wordy and dull, etc. (typical alcoholic paranoia!). When I saw the responses today I felt 100 times better for all the support I received. I cried - tears of gratitude for the encouragement you've given me. If I've helped anyone with my story, it will all have been worth it. Every day the fog lifts a little more, the fear has subsided - but I don't want to ever forget what I just went through. I don't have it in me to come back again, I almost didn't make it out this time. I promise next time I'll post if I feel weak or somehow lose my resolve.

Originally Posted by Hevyn

It came out of nowhere. After New Year's I met a friend for lunch. She ordered a beer. WITHOUT GIVING IT A SINGLE THOUGHT, I did too. No little warning voice came. That "one beer" led to over 2 weeks of 24/7 drinking. Back to my old trick of going to the store after my husband left for work to buy more so he wouldn't know how much I drank during the day, back to staying up until 4am, back to picking fights and being confrontational, back to not answering the phone or door, back to shutting everyone out and feeling that my life is pointless. Towards the end of 2 weeks I got out of bed and stood there, gripping the bureau to steady myself. From deep in my soul came a prayer, "Please raise me up out of this hell - just one more time!" A strange calm came over me. I can only imagine what my blood alcohol level might have been at that moment, but I knew what I had to do. I got on SR and searched for the thread from Dec. 4 titled, "Quitting, what to expect, what we did." (Bless you, CarolD) Beer in hand, I read every post. I knew I was in danger and had to be careful. My heartfelt thanks to all of you who posted on that thread, the long and scary posts by Jfnagle, Tazman, GreenTea, RobB, Rusty & Astro especially. I'm forever indebted to you all, for I feel you helped save my life. Trying to do the right thing, I went to a doctor I'd never seen before. The appointment was beyond bizarre. He asked how much I drank. When I told him he said, "Why do you drink so much? What's wrong at home?" Huh?!? I told him I was quitting and was afraid to stop abruptly. He said he wouldn't prescribe anything to help calm my nerves because it would be hard on my liver. He said to cut my drinking down to a 6-pack a day. Alrighty then! After that, I knew I was on my own. With no insurance right now, I couldn't afford the thousands it would cost for detox, but I had a plan. I bought some good vitamins (especially B) and nutritious food - I'd been living off the beer, not eating. My plan was to slowly wean myself off the beer, less each day until I felt I could stop altogether. On the last day I just sipped a few. They tasted bitter and like poison. I poured the last one down the drain on Jan. 15. I looked like absolute hell, blood red eyes with a terrible, fearful look in them, ghostly white skin. During my do-it-yourself detox, as I lay in bed quivering, terrified to fall asleep because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up - all the things we've discussed on SR kept running through my mind. All your stories, all your setbacks, all your triumphs. Because of you, I didn't waste time feeling sorry for myself or whine about losing my sober time. Because of you, I'm not ashamed or discouraged. Because of you, this time it's different - I'm happy and excited, something that was lacking before. I'm not grieving over this, I'm not taking a backward step. Maybe I needed still further proof of what we're dealing with here. It is the end of the road for me. I can't dance with the devil again, next time I'll not make it out alive, I feel certain of that. I love you my SR family, and the things I've said in the past about your importance in my life still hold true!! I would have asked for your help, if only I'd seen this coming. I'd also like to add that I'm in awe of those of you who are trying to get well when you have children, careers, and other health issues to deal with. I am so thankful to be back among the living, ready to do battle with our disease once again. Love, Joanie


I would like to dedicate this thread to Nogard (Kev) who means more than he knows to his SR family. His current thread inspired me to tell my story, since he's always had the courage to share his.