selfwillrunriot

Greetings to all.

I have a suspicion this might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship - between I, the keyboard, and you! (You being the people on this board, the people reading this, and the people suffering as much as me...)

My name is - oops, shouldnt post that - so lets say I'm SelfWill - because lets freaking face it - she is still there, that G**-Damn will - rioting like the Dem convention in Chitown many years ago. At any rate - I am an alcoholic, I am having a hard time with AA right now, but I need to be around people, so cyber it shall be.

The thing is - I cant stay sober. I wont bore anyone with the gory details (yet) but I got sober 8 months ago, but only accomplished 98 days of true, real sobreity. After those 98 days, it has been a living hell. What they say, "A head full of AA and a body full of booze is no good" - is completely true. So here I am - I havent gone to a meeting in almost three weeks - but dammit to heck all I think about is the FACT that I am an alcoholic. And clearly my post is a desperate attempt to resolve whatever it is that is keeping me from going to a damn meeting.

I became extremely tired of raising my hand ("Is anyone in the first thirty days?") and terribly tired of trying to make friends, and humiliated when looking into the eyes of people I had finally mustered up the courage to call whom never called me back. So now I am here, alone in my house in front of the computer, trying not to drink. Anyone who is in this program and has any kind of sobriety understands: what I am doing, right now, is hell.

Allow me to be an example, a lesson - if you will. Dont stop - the program is better than sitting at home alone trying to reach out to people in cyber space. This is fantastic as well, but it works if you work it - and this aint "workin it". But I'm here, dammit. And I plan to come back.

"Keep coming back" - those words led me to rehab, and those words, from kind strangers, are what continously produce my reality of alcoholism.

Keep coming back. If I can, then you can. We all Can.

I hope to talk to some of you soon. Take care. And if I ever ramble on and on and on (you know, like right now), I dunno - just read. I will do the same.

******

tkdan

Hey Selfwill, welcome to SR. You caught me right before I turn in but there are some night owls here so others should be along. You are not alone in your struggle. I spent many days fighting the urge to drink only to fail once again. I've got four weeks but this time is different. This time I'm not doing it on my own. I finally accepted the fact that I need help. I like to come here in addition to going to meetings. This is an awsome site with some great people. Alcoholics helping alcoholics, who better to understand you than someone that lives with the same disease. Keep posting I'm sure many here would like to get to know you.

Rowan

Hi and welcome,

I just wanted to tap out a quick message to welcome you to our recovery community. I do attend AA, and with the help of the program, and this website, I'm at a wonderful place in my recovery. Please stick around.

CarolD

Hi...

Yes...I do remember raising my hand in AA meetings
4 years after I began AA....I finally quit drinking.

The key for me was reading "Under The Influence"
that explained why I continued to drink.

I used that info..re connected to God and AA
and have not had another drink.

Doing my Step work solidified my recovery.

Here is a link to excerpts ..it's on our Alcoholism Forum

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Welcome to SR!

selfwillrunriot

This is fantastic - the excerpts. Where can I find this book? At a borders or something?

When I was in rehab - we had many sessions/classes regarding alcohol and the effect it has on the brain and body of the alcoholic - but I have to admit, at the time I was feeling like I already knew everything - so I didnt end up retaining any information.

This site is great!

Anyhow, thanks for the welcome, etc.

Its been two days since my last drink.

theonlyway

Self Will --
Thanks for your post.

I'm just starting Day 5 - and have two meetings under my belt...

The people here are amazing, I'm holding onto this site and their words as tightly as I am the teddy bear on my lap, my sober friend's text messages and my prayers...

Nice to meet you......

CarolD

"Under The Influence"
Dr. James Milam & Katharine Ketcham

has a sequel

"Beyond The Influence"
by Ketcham & ???

Amazon dot com usually has both

Glad to see you are finding SR an aid to your sobriety.
It's a great supplement for my F2F AA meetings.

chicago

Self Will I am in Chicago. If you want to make a meeting, PM me!

Missymae737

Hello,

Welcome to SR...

If someone told me I will lose everything I own, lose the respect of my children, lose my right to drive, and nearly lose my own life because of drinking ,I would not have believed any of it...I was in major denial..

My drinking took me to a place of utter torment drinking only to pass out...Someone did tell me I could find recovery...I didn't believe it..I was also one of those that felt I couldn't stop drinking...

I am happy to say that was almost seven months ago and I did find recovery by coming here and in the halls of AA...

You can do this too.

Keep posting, we are glad you found us..:ghug2

Cindi R

Welcome to SR.
Keep coming back.
Don't know "how" you've tried to quit drinking but when I quit doing meth I had to quit "just for today"...as in I couldn't think about "NEVER" doing it again, but only that I was not going to do it today!
I also did the steps.
Got a sponsor, worked the program.
Eventually,the obsession to use was removed.
Really.

Anna

Hi Self,

Welcome and good for you with 2 days sober!

I am not an AA person, but I do relate to the inner struggles you are having and to the struggles of reaching out for help. Alcoholism is an isolating disease and it's hard to break through and reach out for the help we need.

There is lots of support here, so keep posting.

selfwillrunriot

thanks everyone - I cannot believe I am still here. Its a miracle that I registered on this site and actually came back. Every minute that I am sober is a miracle, actually - and right now, I am PAINFULLY sober.

Its Friday night, and instead of going to my parents house to steal vicoden and whatever else they have in their medicine cabinet, and instead of dragging myself to the liquor store already high with the mere Thought of getting drunk, and instead of calling the a$$hole who gets me blow whenever I ask him to, because he thinks that eventually there will be something in it for him - i am HERE - writing and reading.

Does anyone ever use the "chat" feature? I would love to just sit and chat with people for hours on end, until I am so emotionally exhausted that I have to go to bed.

Talk about living the extreme - I think I am SOBER to the extreme right now. I need to talk. I need contact.

OK - WELL, I'm rambling - my point is: thank you for the replies!!!!!!

Anna

Hi Self,

People do use Chat, but it's hit or miss as to anyone is there at any given time. We do have scheduled meeting times for the Chat room, though-

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...line-meetings/

I'm glad you're doing okay and there are always people online 24/7, so there is always someone here to talk to.

theonlyway

Hey, Self~

Hey..., as far as the chat... what I've read is that it is only just back up and working after some down-time, so it's just beginning to get used again...

We had a nice group and chat going in there last night and just as I signed back in now, I see a couple of people in there... Check it out... Hang out, hang in there..

HUGS

CarolD

I don't use Chat because my vision is now almost gone.
The program I use on line is not compatible

I won't be joining anyone there ...sorry to say.

Enjoy the contact....I'll catch up here on Discussion.

hope3

Welcome SelfWill,

Living on self will can only run riot, as my

understanding of self will is understood..

So I'm right along you in the practicing not

to use it...

Best of luck to all of us, to become selfless..

Hope3