eilidh

This is really hard for me. I don't really know what to write, except that I know I have a problem with alcohol and I want to post something on this forum tonight, while I'm feeling terrible from all the drink, because I'm scared that when I feel better tomorrow I'll forget how bad I felt and I'll just start all over again.

I have been drinking every night for five days, and have been drinking heavily for about two years. I just want to stop but I'm scared in case I can't. I realise how illogical that sounds but that's how I feel.

I'm also ashamed of myself. I can't face AA meetings because I'm ashamed, that's why this online forum appealed to me. I just really hope that I am able to cure myself.

nandm

I can relate so much to your post. I too was scared to quit because I had tried so many ways to control my drinking all without success. I hated the feeling that I knew I needed to quit drinking but did not know how to live without drinking. It was insanity.

Shame and fear are two very real emotions for any alcoholic especially by the time they are desperate to stop drinking as they realize it is killing them. I too had so much shame, anxiety, and fear. You are not alone at all. I doubt there are many people here who can not relate to where you are right now.

I know that you say you can not face AA but I would encourage you to try as my experience was that once I went I found people who were just like me but the difference was they were beating this disease and that gave me the hope to keep trying. I will have 7 years come March of this year and the obsession to drink has been gone since the first few months of AA.

There are other recovery programs out there. Here is a link to a list of them
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
You do not have to do this alone. Just a thought here but if you were able to do it on your own wouldn't it have worked so many times before. I am sure this is not the first time you have been at this place in your life. There are people who have quit on their own and I am not trying to discourage you what I am trying to do is encourage you to know that you can beat this and that you do not have to do it alone. I found that by the time I was ready to quit I was already so alone, I had driven away those that cared about me. So for me to recover I needed to build a support group.

I wish you the best and do hope you find what you are looking for.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you found us!

Shame and guilt are a huge part of addiction. But, you can begin to forgive yourself and move forward.

I hope you feel at home here.

nogard

Welcome to SR Glad you found us.

Kevin

User_Name

I too avoided AA because I was ashamed that I was an alcoholic. Looking back on this thought I used to have which kept me from AA, it seems kinda funny. AA is a whole group of people who are alcoholics, you won't be shunned at AA, you'll be welcomed.

I was talking to a guy from a meeting the other night and he asked me about my situation, and what brought me to AA. I said "I'm an alcoholic"..... His response? "That's really cool man". Not like being an alcoholic is cool, but cool that we have something in common that we are both struggling with, and cool that we understand each other. It's like an instant bond when two alcoholics get together. For so long I felt like nobody understood me, now I can meet someone who out in the real world I would never talk to, and we are instant friends.

There is no shame in going to an AA meeting, that's the addiction talking and a little bit of pride. I tried for soooo long to fix myself, and I never could. I was always told I could do anything in this world that I wanted to do. Nobody ever told me that I might need someone else's help to do it.

I wanted to be sober for such a long time, I just never could do it alone. I would sit and cry at home, drunk and lonely. I just wanted to be sober, but I didn't know how to do it. I would fantasize about being sober, how much my life would improve, how much better I would feel. I just could not do it alone although I tried every method I could think of. AA is the only thing that has worked for any length of time for me. The first meeting was a turning point in my life. I had a revelation the night I left the meeting. I mean a really powerful revelation on the drive home. I now knew how I could make those fantasies of being sober come to fruition. It's not easy, it's not always fun, but I wanted this for so long and now I am working on getting it.


I like to put it this way:
I'm a skydiver, but before I ever even jumped out of an airplane I had a preconceived idea of what I thought skydiving was like. The reality of skydiving contrasted with what I thought it was are almost opposites. Skydiving is not just throwing yourself from a plane, you can fly through the sky and it's very relaxing, and very technical. AA was the same way for me. I thought it was a pity-party and only bums went there. I though I was going to be berated and made fun of, and then have people tell me I am silly since I still live in a house and still have a job. This was not reality. I now love meetings, I have friends, and I look forward to going to meetings.

Negative Man

Eil, you're doing good by simply coming to this forum. There are so many people out there who don't admit their problem. I'm 16 days sober, so it's not long ago at all that I was where you are.

It gets better. A lot better. Keep reading on the forum and posting. Thanks for coming to visit us!

CarolD

As you have been drinking heavily for some time
I do suggest an honest talk with your doctor
before stopping abruptly.

De toxing from alcohol is a serious medical issue
and can be dangerous to try alone.

Please be both sober and safe.

Welcome to SR!