marriage in trouble, please help, please!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: owings mills MD
Posts: 1
marriage in trouble, please help, please!
my name is erin and I have been had a addiction problem startin jan of last year. in may i went to the caron foundation to be rehabed and ready. last sunday i relapsed by taking some valium from my mother. I do see and addiction psychologist weekly.
Since this relapse my husband is so angry with me and it killing me inside. we had a couples session with my psyc. and my husband said he is done with me, he doesn't care about me anymore, and he wants me to leave. We have since agrees to remain in the same house hold, and i am doing another 90 in 90 and my husband has set up some'rules' in which i have to follow. I am now no longer to be with my son alone, when he is gone he takes my son to my mothers. He will no longer support me in recovery or financially. I amwas a stay at home mom. I have 30 days to get a job and start supporting myself.
The worst, most painful part in how he is making me feel inside. He won't talk to me, sleep in bed with me, even touch me...at all. I am dying inside. i don't want to lose my husband and especially my son. I beg him to let go of the anger but he refuses. It seems to build more and more everyday.
please help me. if you have any advice to get me through to get me through this, i beg you to please help.
Since this relapse my husband is so angry with me and it killing me inside. we had a couples session with my psyc. and my husband said he is done with me, he doesn't care about me anymore, and he wants me to leave. We have since agrees to remain in the same house hold, and i am doing another 90 in 90 and my husband has set up some'rules' in which i have to follow. I am now no longer to be with my son alone, when he is gone he takes my son to my mothers. He will no longer support me in recovery or financially. I amwas a stay at home mom. I have 30 days to get a job and start supporting myself.
The worst, most painful part in how he is making me feel inside. He won't talk to me, sleep in bed with me, even touch me...at all. I am dying inside. i don't want to lose my husband and especially my son. I beg him to let go of the anger but he refuses. It seems to build more and more everyday.
please help me. if you have any advice to get me through to get me through this, i beg you to please help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 79
Erin,
I am so sorry you are going though this! I was in a similar situation about 3-4 years ago. In my opinion my ex was being an ass. Now I realize he was detaching himself from me. It still hurt like hell though.
I would imagine that you need to focus on getting better. It sounds like you have a plan - now just stick to it. Do you have a sponsor? Maybe you could talk to her about how you are feeling. I would imagine many alcoholics/addicts have been in your situation - living with an ex. It does seem unfair that he will not let you be with your son alone. It sounds like he may have control issues...but I am not there witnessing it with you so I can't really say. I do understand the guilt and pain you are feeling inside and unfortunatly there is no magical way for that to disappear. You will have to work on that from the inside! But, on a positive note. At least you feel that feeling. You are at a stage where you know you did something that you are not proud of. I know there are some of alcoholics who are not at that stage and don't feel remorse for a while.
I would also suggest (when you are ready and not a moment before) to check out and read some of the posts in the friends and family forum. It might give you some insight to what he is going through. In my early days I could barely read those posts...the guilt and shame would take over and I would hardly be functioning.
Anyway, hope I was able to help somewhat...Others with more time and experience will be along shortly. In the meantime . . . WELCOME! This forum has helped me through alot.
I am so sorry you are going though this! I was in a similar situation about 3-4 years ago. In my opinion my ex was being an ass. Now I realize he was detaching himself from me. It still hurt like hell though.
I would imagine that you need to focus on getting better. It sounds like you have a plan - now just stick to it. Do you have a sponsor? Maybe you could talk to her about how you are feeling. I would imagine many alcoholics/addicts have been in your situation - living with an ex. It does seem unfair that he will not let you be with your son alone. It sounds like he may have control issues...but I am not there witnessing it with you so I can't really say. I do understand the guilt and pain you are feeling inside and unfortunatly there is no magical way for that to disappear. You will have to work on that from the inside! But, on a positive note. At least you feel that feeling. You are at a stage where you know you did something that you are not proud of. I know there are some of alcoholics who are not at that stage and don't feel remorse for a while.
I would also suggest (when you are ready and not a moment before) to check out and read some of the posts in the friends and family forum. It might give you some insight to what he is going through. In my early days I could barely read those posts...the guilt and shame would take over and I would hardly be functioning.
Anyway, hope I was able to help somewhat...Others with more time and experience will be along shortly. In the meantime . . . WELCOME! This forum has helped me through alot.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 358
Hi Erin. First of all, welcome to the forum!
I'm no expert, and I just have 14 days sobriety. But my one insight is: focus on your sobriety. Don't focus on yourself, your husband, or your marriage. Without your sobriety, you can't have all those other things.
Just as important, the people around you will trust you again when they see that you are serious about quitting. And the only way to prove that to them is to be serious about it.
Seems like you are worried about the things you may lose. Instead, be happy about the things you are about to gain!
I'm rooting for you.
I'm no expert, and I just have 14 days sobriety. But my one insight is: focus on your sobriety. Don't focus on yourself, your husband, or your marriage. Without your sobriety, you can't have all those other things.
Just as important, the people around you will trust you again when they see that you are serious about quitting. And the only way to prove that to them is to be serious about it.
Seems like you are worried about the things you may lose. Instead, be happy about the things you are about to gain!
I'm rooting for you.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
This is something I had to take literally before I could find sobriety. As long as I put limitations or conditions on my sobriety I was doomed to fail. I had to be willing to go to any lengths to find sobriety.
If you are an addict just replace the word alcohol with your drug of choice.
Big Book of AA.
I wish you the best. You are not alone in your struggle, many have gone before you, many are walking with you, and many will come behind you.
Glad you are here at SR.
If you are an addict just replace the word alcohol with your drug of choice.
......when and how much to give.......That often makes the difference between failure and success.......the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this and that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: job or not job---wife of no wife---we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence upon God.
Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.
Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.
I wish you the best. You are not alone in your struggle, many have gone before you, many are walking with you, and many will come behind you.
Glad you are here at SR.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi,
I am sorry for your situation and I know it is one I came very close to facing myself.
At this point, all you can do is to focus on your recovery. Your husband may or may not change his mind about things, but that is not in your control. A big part of recovery is recognizing what we can change and what we can't.
I am sorry for your situation and I know it is one I came very close to facing myself.
At this point, all you can do is to focus on your recovery. Your husband may or may not change his mind about things, but that is not in your control. A big part of recovery is recognizing what we can change and what we can't.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Why not begin by finding a job?
Your fortunate your son is being cared for
so this is possible.
And you are with your son at times.
He will still have your love to rely on.
Also...get connected with your local NA.
Lots of support and new friends who understand.
Sorry you relapsed keep in focus
Welcome to SR!
Your fortunate your son is being cared for
so this is possible.
And you are with your son at times.
He will still have your love to rely on.
Also...get connected with your local NA.
Lots of support and new friends who understand.
Sorry you relapsed keep in focus
Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: A place of special Dreams....
Posts: 4,018
I am praying for you today.......
Find that much needed job and get yourself on the right path to recovery......
You need family right now.....BUT FIRST you need to work on you...... Your life is important if you want to get the love back from those that you truely love........... No one will trust you at this point untill you start making BIG CHANGES for you.....
Put one foot in front of the other and MOVE FORWARD... You can do this and Find that Job..... Get yourself cleaned up inside and out and you can get that job you need to support yourself...
YOU CAN DO THIS AND THEN MAYBE YOUR HUSBAND WILL CHANGE WITH YOU IN TIME....
Little Penguin
Find that much needed job and get yourself on the right path to recovery......
You need family right now.....BUT FIRST you need to work on you...... Your life is important if you want to get the love back from those that you truely love........... No one will trust you at this point untill you start making BIG CHANGES for you.....
Put one foot in front of the other and MOVE FORWARD... You can do this and Find that Job..... Get yourself cleaned up inside and out and you can get that job you need to support yourself...
YOU CAN DO THIS AND THEN MAYBE YOUR HUSBAND WILL CHANGE WITH YOU IN TIME....
Little Penguin
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Originally Posted by erincherry 
Since this relapse my husband is so angry with me and it killing me inside. we had a couples session with my psyc. and my husband said he is done with me, he doesn't care about me anymore, and he wants me to leave. We have since agrees to remain in the same house hold, and i am doing another 90 in 90 and my husband has set up some'rules' in which i have to follow. I am now no longer to be with my son alone, when he is gone he takes my son to my mothers. He will no longer support me in recovery or financially. I amwas a stay at home mom. I have 30 days to get a job and start supporting myself.
The worst, most painful part in how he is making me feel inside. He won't talk to me, sleep in bed with me, even touch me...at all. I am dying inside. i don't want to lose my husband and especially my son. I beg him to let go of the anger but he refuses. It seems to build more and more everyday.
please help me. if you have any advice to get me through to get me through this, i beg you to please help.
The worst, most painful part in how he is making me feel inside. He won't talk to me, sleep in bed with me, even touch me...at all. I am dying inside. i don't want to lose my husband and especially my son. I beg him to let go of the anger but he refuses. It seems to build more and more everyday.
please help me. if you have any advice to get me through to get me through this, i beg you to please help.
Your post made me feel so angry, at your husband...Since when did marriage have rules to abide by, such as not sleeping with your partner, being told to go out and support yourself, and much worse not having the alone time with your son? I would be dying inside too, and trying to remain sober under those circumstances would be diificult...
I am glad you found us and hope you continue to post here...
You are not alone...
You are doing the right thing in staying sober...Things would only be worse at your household if you didn't remain sober..
Thinking of you and sending love and strength your way...:ghug
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Hi erin,
A few years ago I was in much the same place as you. My now ex was having an affair, if we did sleep in the same bed she didn't want to touch me or even speak to me. Some nights she left and didn't come back for a day or two. I was still trying to be a good father, but inside I knew that our marriage was over and that I'd never see our children 24/7 like I always dreamed of doing. I understand that feeling of dying inside, and I'm sorry you're feeling this pain.
I can't add much to what everyone else has already said, except to say that AA, sobriety, and recovery gave me hope and a new life. What I felt was death was actually life beginning anew. I've become a devoted father to two amazing children, I have more friends than I ever thought was possible, I have a beautiful girlfriend and faith that my future will be incredible. It's like living in a dream. But to get to this place I had to stay clean and sober, and to "do the deal" in recovery.
I pray for you and your family, and wish you the best.
A few years ago I was in much the same place as you. My now ex was having an affair, if we did sleep in the same bed she didn't want to touch me or even speak to me. Some nights she left and didn't come back for a day or two. I was still trying to be a good father, but inside I knew that our marriage was over and that I'd never see our children 24/7 like I always dreamed of doing. I understand that feeling of dying inside, and I'm sorry you're feeling this pain.
I can't add much to what everyone else has already said, except to say that AA, sobriety, and recovery gave me hope and a new life. What I felt was death was actually life beginning anew. I've become a devoted father to two amazing children, I have more friends than I ever thought was possible, I have a beautiful girlfriend and faith that my future will be incredible. It's like living in a dream. But to get to this place I had to stay clean and sober, and to "do the deal" in recovery.
I pray for you and your family, and wish you the best.
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