Peaches1_99

This is my first post here at Sober Recovery, although I have been helping my AH for a few days post. I thought I had helped him find a tool that he could use at home to aide in his sobriety. But, I was wrong!

We have been married for 9 years (this Valentines Day) and he has been a practicing alcoholic for the entire time. I married my AH when I was only 23 & he came into my life at a time when I was in need of someone (whole other story)... But, the things that I was able to overlook back then are things that as I have grown older, I am no longer able to accept.

Like many alcoholics, he lies about his drinking, hiding bottles and deceiving me all along the way. (Or so he thinks. I know EVERY time) Last fall, I had enough and asked my sister to come and stay because it was so bad and I couldn't go to work (50 miles away) and leave my kids with him. After about 7weeks he agreed to go to inpatient treatment. He went and it was good. But, then he relapsed. Mainly because he didn't work the steps when he got out. And I obviously can't work them for him.

Anyway, last week, I had enough and told him that I was done... I didn't want to live this way. I went and picked up divorce papers and filled them all out. He begged me to stay, that he would get help, etc. I told him, that I would give him one last chance... But the next time he drank, I was filing the papers at the courthouse... Guess what, found the bottle and the reciept from yesterday. I thought he was drinking, but he had started a new medication and when I asked him, he blamed the "Dr. Jekyl" on the meds. Today, it continued so I went looking. It took me less than 5 minutes.

I am so hurt. And confused. I love this man. He is a wonderful husband and father sober, however, I can't count on when that will be. He has hurt me before when he was drinking and he recently got a little pushy with our teenager. I'm afraid that she may be next in line for his "wrath"...

Anyway, thanks for letting me get this out... Sorry it's so long.

nogard

Hi Peaches,

I am sorry for your pain and confusion. It must be so hard to deal with. You will get lots of support here and it may be worth you looking in http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/ where you can talk to those friends and families living with alcoholics.

Thinking of you and sending prayers.

Kevin

parentrecovers

hey peaches, nice to meet you. i'm sorry that you are hurting. it's a really tough disease, regardless of which side of the bottle you are on - i understand.

are you going to alanon or getting any support in counseling?

take care of YOU.

blessings, k

Peaches1_99

Thanks to both of you.

I tried to attend an al-anon meeting a few weeks ago, but, wouldn't you know that where it was listed it wasn't really at. I kind of lost "steam" after that.

I'm sure that tomorrow will be a new day with new hope and challenges. I am just getting tired of the same old roller coaster ride.

Not sure where to go from here... I want to help him, but, he has to help himself. So, it's in his court... I just hate not being able to count on him for anything. It's like having another child.

nandm

I am so sorry for your pain and frustration. The pain we put our loved ones through while we are practicing alcoholics is unimaginable. I do know from my experience that for me until I was ready to face my alcoholism, I was unable to face what I was doing to those around me. I was always ready to justify it by blaming it on "I had a bad day," "life's not fair," "I didn't mean to," "you know that is not really me," "I did not mean that I was drunk at the time," etc.... I realize you love him and there is a person in there worth loving. Unfortunately as long as he is drinking he will never be that person, you will only be able to get glimpses of who he can be. IMHO, the best thing you can do is do what is best for you and your daughter. If that means leaving him so be it. He is making choices right now to drink. He has the tools to stop drinking, he can always go back to AA and truly work the program. Speaking from experience, if one is willing to go to any lengths for sobriety it is achievable. For me that meant learning to live the principles and steps in every aspect of my life.

Jersey Nonny

There are many ways of describing alcoholism, one being "it's a family disease", meaning it affects every member of the family, and everyone is as sick as the alcoholic in their own way. You are suffering from alcoholism, even though you're not the alcoholic drinker.

After nine years, you know how well an alcoholic can lie, scheme, cover-up in order to continue along the path of destruction. No threats, promises, or ultimatums will register until he, himself, is ready to quit. And, he knows what he has to do, because he's been there, done that.

Quote:

After about 7weeks he agreed to go to inpatient treatment. He went and it was good. But, then he relapsed. Mainly because he didn't work the steps when he got out. And I obviously can't work them for him.

As a recovering alcoholic myself, and having been married to an alcoholic for 25 years, this is what I would suggest:

1. Stop wasting time and energy trying to "catch him"...you've seen him under the influence often enough to know when he's been drinking.

2. Don't expect him to be honest with you until he's able to quit drinking...even then, it takes a while for an alcoholic to learn the meaning of honesty. An Oldtimer in AA used to say, "If an alcoholic's lips are moving, he's lying." Sad, but pretty true.

3. If you feel you must distance yourself from him (even temporarily) to preserve your own health and sanity, that's perfectly understandable; but, don't make it an "either, or else" condition of his seeking recovery.

4. Whether you decide to remain in the home with him or not, PLEASE seek support for yourself at Al-Anon meetings...this is for you, not for him.

5. Follow the suggestion we alcoholics are given in early recovery...no major life changes in the first year. You already have nine years invested...another year won't make that much difference.

Please continue to use the forums here at SR for support. Let us know how things are going for you and your family.

Missymae737

Hi Peaches,

Welcome to SR...We are happy you found us...

Keep posting...:ghug2

Anna

Hi Peaches,

I hope you find the support you need for yourself.

Peaches1_99

Hi Everyone.

Thanks for the words of kindness and hope. I am truly grateful for the words of wisdom. I will look to attend an alan-non meeting this week. There is supposed to be one just blocks from my house on Monday nights.

I think that not making any "harsh" decisions right now is likely a good idea. My head is full of all kinds of thoughts and I likely need some time to sort them out.

He is sober today, which I am learning is a gift. I try to take the "gifts" and hang on to them. Our children are gone for the weekend and so we will have some time to talk.

Is it okay for me to suggest some things for him? Such as going back to an AA meeting? Is it acceptable for me to attend with him for "morale support?" Or is that being a "codi?"
I just want to help him for his sake as well as our families. I know that he has to do it, but I've also been told that it's alot easier when you have a support network...

What do you guys think?

CarolD

Since he has been to AA....he knows where it is.
You can offer to go with him but
please no expectations.

Why not make this weekend a time of
special kindness and simply enjoy each other?

Welcome to SR!
Blessings to both of you

Peaches1_99

Carol,

Thanks for your kind words. We actually did spend some quality time together and actually ended up picking our kids up a day early, because we missed them.

I think part of it is also that we don't know what to do when we aren't being "parents"...

He made it through the weekend sober... And today also! I am very grateful for that.

I think I've decided not to "offer" to go to AA as it needs to be "his place" not "ours"...

Thanks again for your words of encouragement. They mean so much to me. I feel like I have found friends here... That means alot to me.:ghug