tay-lyn

I can't believe I drank last night! After spending the day remembering all my bottoms....I picked up a drink. I am dumbfounded over that. My auto-pilot turned on....and that was it. I begged myself NOT to pick up that drink, I told myself all those things you need to deter yourself from drinking, and yet......my auto-pilot just tuned out my logical voice and drank. I had 5 days.
THANKFULLY about 5 minutes after picking up my drink, I ran to the bathroom and brought it all up. I didn't TRY to get sick, but something inside me fought the booze and it all came up. I was SO, SO sick! I tossed the rest of my drink and layed down. So here I am, back on day one.
Here I go again..........

blu29

So what....now what?

Rowan

Welcome back. I'm glad it was short-lived, T.

Anna

What did you learn from that experience? What can you do to avoid it another time? Were you in a particular place, with someone, feeling bad? You can learn and move on and not let that happen again.

Glad to see you back Tay-lyn.

mike_mass

I relate to the autopilot...old habits are hard to break. I needed to adjust it to attend meetings instead.

best

Well your here I go agains are pointed in the right direction now.

Stand up, dust off and keep at it.
Just as we did when we first tried drinking....it took some time to get use to the taste...

we now reverse things and keep trying the saying NO! to that first drink.

I have no drinking problem...as long as I don't pick up that first one.
What situation were you in that you had a drink in front of you?
We may need to adjust a few things in life to avoid such times when we first start out. Something to think on for sure.

tay-lyn

It was the habit......my husband came home from work last night and had a drink and asked me to join him........so I did. Before I sat down with him, I asked him for the first time since my last drunk, how bad I was (because during my last drunk I blacked out after the first couple), he said I wasn't so bad. That was all it took. I said 'great' and poured myself a drink. While we chatted over our drink, I couldn't concentrate because all I was thinking about was how I didn't want to drink anymore......then I got myself so upset, I told him I wasn't feeling well and went upstairs and got sick, came back down and threw my drink out, told him I didn't feel well and was going to bed to read. Anyways, the point is, it was our usual evening ritual....actually I had cut back a lot, I wasn't drinking EVERY night......but when I did drink, even after he stopped and had dinner, I would keep on drinking. Then after my last drunk I swore off the booze, but I didn't tell him I wanted to quit. The last five days of not drinking, he didn't drink either, so it wasn't a big deal that I didn't have one, he didn't ask why I wasn't drinking. So then last night, he poured one and expected that I would too. I talked to him this morning, telling him I was trying to quit these past five days, and that I was trying again. And that I needed his support. Hopefully I will get it. He has supported me in the past, but everytime I picked up after a duration of sobriety, and he would tell me not to because he was supporting me, I would always talk him into 'why' I could drink again, and how it would be different this time. So last night was habit, and I guess dishonesty, because I hadn't told him I wanted to quit. I had isolated myself and didn't ask him for help.

best

Has anything changed? Will the next time be different?
Alcohol has us become dishonest with ourself. We lie to ourself and believe it.
I can stop after just one.
I deserve just one.
One won't hurt.

For me those were all lies to myself.
If you stop and he doesn't...
He can support your efforts by not asking you if you want one but you are the only one who can say yes or no. He can't do that for you.
You can do it. I know because I did it so I know what can be done.

tay-lyn

Best;
You are absolutely right, I am dishonest with myself, as well as with others. And I think I look for signs and HOPE that my husband will give me the green light to drink, and if he does, I pick up straight away. I have a hard time following through with my efforts for sobriety.

Jersey Nonny

So, consciously or not, it sounds like you "set yourself up" for failure. I can relate to that.

1. You didn't let him know you were trying to quit.
2. You were looking for assurance from him to "give you permission" to drink.
3. You still had alcohol in the house, which could have been a temptation for you, even if you were home alone.
4. You didn't make a change in your usual ritualistic "routine".
5. You apparently were trying to quit without any support other than SR...AA meetings and network could have been very helpful.

So, now that you know where you tripped up, what are you going to do differently, to avoid a repeat performance?

Missymae737

Tay-lyn,

Forgive yourself and try again...

You can do this, I know you can...:ghug3

nodrinkingzone

Hi Tay-lyn,

not much I can add to this discussion - I think Best has it all mapped out. Glad you came back, and are still willing to give it up.

Keep us up-to-date on how you're progressing, and have a look around for other tools that you might be able to use in gaining and maintaining sobriety.

All the best, glad you came back,

ndz