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Old 01-16-2008, 10:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
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shake, rattle and hum


my nerves have me shaking, my world is rattled and Im not humming.

Im having a meltdown...

I keep plugging along and I want to save whatever is left of my life, most of the time sort of....

i guess this is my I thought it gets better thread continued.

I dont like when I start thinking that killing myself is probably the best road for me to take cause Im feeling really weak.

I could never ever do that but that in itself has me frustrated. Okay I stopped getting high, but Im really stuck on the pity pot and I dont know how to shake it. Ive been trying to give positive input to others, but deep down im falling apart. iTs way to late for a meeting and im sitting here alone chain smoking and feeling really discouraged. Im tired of complaining, but if I dont reach out I think I will lose my mind.

Im losing my friggin mind.

Tonight Im really missing my zanax, all I want to do is get one night of sleep.

Im more wired than I was when I would smoke crack endlessly for days and weeks at a time.

The bar is still open and im actually contemplating going out.

Then I replay the tape and I know where that will get me so I dont, but man am I frustrated.

OMG im so frustrated. Ive been crying so much i think im getting dehydrated.
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Old 01-16-2008, 11:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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a lot of times i think it helps to keep your mind busy doing other things...if you just sit there and think about it then you'll do just that..sit and think about it...so, being on here really does help...read read read...do something...trust me i know it can drive you absolutely nutty...and make you feel like you're going crazy...but keep reaching out and asking for help...
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Old 01-16-2008, 11:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Change -

take a breath.
just ... breathe for a minute, hon.

YOU .. are not necessarily freaked out.
Your BODY ... is trying to heal.

IT's probably not you.

Read that again if you have to.
It's probably NOT ... you.

You'ved been steadily posioning your body for however long it's been now.

Now - you don't have that poison.
Sometimes I say 'sedative' but when you drink like you mean it -
I'm talking good old fashioned 'western frontier' drinking ....
it's poison.
*name yer poison* sasparilla !

SO - what else is going on?

I'm up here in Montana ... it's hovering around zero,
but we don't have that typical Casper 50- mph crosswind y'all have to live with.....

c'mon - what ELSE is going on?
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Old 01-16-2008, 11:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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and - before youi go to the bar - you are REQUIRED to lick the outside doorknob.

call 911 first, though.

that oughta work.
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Old 01-16-2008, 11:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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nothing is working out lately. I have all these apirations and I keep hitting road blocks every step of the way.

Legal problems have me pulling my hair out.

living situation, problems getting work, finance, health issues the list goes on. right now I hit my boiling point cause I live with this guy and we dont have the intimate relationship he would like so hes been going to bars on the hunt for a willing female. he met a woman( not realy a woman more like a chick). He met her at a bar and 3 hours later moved her in. I really wanted him to meet someone but she is a full blown alkie and drinks 24/7 so now it is putting me at risk cause there is always booze in the house. all I need to do is drink and before i know it Ill be hitting the crack. I cant go back to that. as it stands now i am staring at the bottle of vodka that is here counting my pennies to see if I have enough to get high, but that isnt really what I want.

I guess Im just trying to find an easy escape, but smoking crack is never an easy thing cause all it does is attract trouble..... Lots of it.

I dont want to use my living sit. as an excuse, but I have just about had it with not having a zone to gain some serenity.

Now I am riddled with fear cause im on probation and now have to worry not only about using again, but also getting in trouble. kinda hating myself. Meanwhile Im online trying to give imacook advice and I feel like a big hypocrite, but I felt the need to reach out cause I dont want anyone else to go through what I did if I can help it.

Breathe....................


Cant sleep
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Old 01-17-2008, 12:08 AM   #6 (permalink)
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wow.

Well, for the living situation - I haven't got any advice bvecause I failed 'relationship 101 four freaking times. I'm not going back.
LOL

So if *I* say 'do' something - you can BET ... it's gonna be wrong.

Kinda rude, though.
Moving someone else in.

You know, there somes a time ... when we aren't allowed to escape any more.
We have to cope.

If I didn't know already that Casper sucks... I'd probably live there. I *do* have a picture of me, in front of a gas station there, leading four miniature horses ... we were on the way back from the Denver Stock Show. Leading four miniatures in a 50mph crosswind at five degrees is not something easily forgotten.

I also have a photo of me 'standing' the Sinclair dinosaur in front of the gas station in Cheyenne ... I was drunk for that one. Saw that fiberglass dinosaur - went into the trailer and got a show halter, and put it on the dinosaur.
It was SUPPOSED to look like I was 'showing' the dino.
It looks like a drunk being obnoxious.
Which is pretty much what it was.

I remember the very first time you ever posted here.
I mentioned AA.
It's never too late, ya know.
The only meeting you're late for -
is the first one.

It sounds to me like the drinking and other substances have succeeded in alienating ou form your comfort circle. It appears to this recovery8ing alcoholic ... that you're being pointed where to go for help.

So what's the choice?
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Old 01-17-2008, 12:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I dont know what the hell im doing anymore. dont know why i even try cause its 10 steps forward and 12 steps back all the time.

Everyday I plan to go to a meeting and never seem to get there
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Old 01-17-2008, 12:30 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I am of a suspicion ... it would change your life.

AA ... OR .. NA.

It's obvious going it alone isn't working.
*shrug*

That's the whole thing about 'the' 'a' Program.
You .. are not alone.

It wasn't until I got into AA ...
that I would realize ..
just how alone I've been ..
all my life.
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Old 01-17-2008, 12:40 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Yea im tied of being alone. Dont know why I keep fighting the meeting.

Been on sr since 05 and everyone tries to get me into a meeting, but I keep fighting it.

Im way to comfortable plopping my butt on the couch turning on the Tv and calling it a night.

I justify the behavior cause atleast Im not out partying, but that could change in the blink of an eye. I really do need some face to face support.

Stuborn little one I am.....
Well not that little!

Starting to tip the scale. Was 98 Lbs but man has that changed
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Old 01-17-2008, 01:15 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I could be bones in a coffin a hundred years from now and not be 98 pounds.
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Old 01-17-2008, 02:05 AM   #11 (permalink)
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you read minds beth...?
read mine...rhymes with 'greeting'

I have no answers for any of your living arrangement job or finance problems, B - what I do know is that wallowing, getting sad, getting angry or doing nothing is gonna lead you up a dark dark alley - cos you'll tend to go back to what you know - we all do - until you learn something different.

At least a meeting is something positive you know ?

when you're seriously thinking of bars or crack or even casually talking self harm (common thread really hey ?)....it's time to try some things you haven't really tried yet.

D
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