Times are changing for me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: CowTown, CA
Posts: 81
Times are changing for me
Hello everyone. I found this place quite by accident this morning while searching the internet about my night sweats. After reading through the excerpts from the book "Under the Influence", I quickly saw a lot of things that sound REAL familiar to me.
I have, again, decided to quit drinking. In my nearly 30 years of drinking, I have quit several times, and each time I eventually convince myself that I can manage it, and start up again. But each time it gets worse, and I get more depressed that I can't maintain control. This is very tough for me, as I am a control freak by nature, so I see me as a defective unit, with some sort of inbred deficiency which does not allow me to enjoy alcohol like many of my friends can.
Also is the fear. The near panic as I realize that nearly everything about my life revolves around alcohol. What will I do with myself? I know that I am probably going to wind up Obsessive-Compulsive, or that I already am OC and have just suppressed it with alcohol all these years. I fear that people are going to wonder if I'm on speed or something, and why have I changed so much.
I also fear that my marriage will fail, as our whole courtship revolved around alcohol, and I'm fairly certain that the personality changes I will experience are going to be extensive. I have no idea who the person is who will emerge from this process as I have been drinking my entire adult life. My wife pretty much quit drinking, for no particular reason, although it coincided with her menopause. IMO, she is not an alcoholic, though she could completely drink me under the table when we met. She just quit, but can have a glass or 2 of wine occaisionally with no problems. I guess I envy her to some degree, as I envy all those who do not struggle with this.
My last quit was just about 6 months ago, and I went to 1 meeting, and it lasted less than a week. The good news is I'm pretty sure the meetings are still happening there, and I am going to one ASAP. Funny thing I just remembered, On my last quit, at the mentioned meeting, I completely broke down in tears. I think it was because, at the time and for the first time, I knew it was a life or death situation. I like to think that the one meeting and week of sobriety probably kept me from ruining something. I just wish the meeting wasn't held in the same building as a bar. I guess I'm going to be embarrassed if someone I know sees me going in there.
I guess that's good enough of an introduction for now. Thank God and whoever else who had a part in creating this place.
I have, again, decided to quit drinking. In my nearly 30 years of drinking, I have quit several times, and each time I eventually convince myself that I can manage it, and start up again. But each time it gets worse, and I get more depressed that I can't maintain control. This is very tough for me, as I am a control freak by nature, so I see me as a defective unit, with some sort of inbred deficiency which does not allow me to enjoy alcohol like many of my friends can.
Also is the fear. The near panic as I realize that nearly everything about my life revolves around alcohol. What will I do with myself? I know that I am probably going to wind up Obsessive-Compulsive, or that I already am OC and have just suppressed it with alcohol all these years. I fear that people are going to wonder if I'm on speed or something, and why have I changed so much.
I also fear that my marriage will fail, as our whole courtship revolved around alcohol, and I'm fairly certain that the personality changes I will experience are going to be extensive. I have no idea who the person is who will emerge from this process as I have been drinking my entire adult life. My wife pretty much quit drinking, for no particular reason, although it coincided with her menopause. IMO, she is not an alcoholic, though she could completely drink me under the table when we met. She just quit, but can have a glass or 2 of wine occaisionally with no problems. I guess I envy her to some degree, as I envy all those who do not struggle with this.
My last quit was just about 6 months ago, and I went to 1 meeting, and it lasted less than a week. The good news is I'm pretty sure the meetings are still happening there, and I am going to one ASAP. Funny thing I just remembered, On my last quit, at the mentioned meeting, I completely broke down in tears. I think it was because, at the time and for the first time, I knew it was a life or death situation. I like to think that the one meeting and week of sobriety probably kept me from ruining something. I just wish the meeting wasn't held in the same building as a bar. I guess I'm going to be embarrassed if someone I know sees me going in there.
I guess that's good enough of an introduction for now. Thank God and whoever else who had a part in creating this place.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: CowTown, CA
Posts: 81
I'm sure it will be, eventually. It's just I have to let go of nearly EVERYTHING, and that scares the crap out of me.
If I was single, I would move away. I think it would be so much easier to go through this without my old friend's distracting me.
If I was single, I would move away. I think it would be so much easier to go through this without my old friend's distracting me.
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Welcome!
For me, recovery is a life changing experience. Many blessings come with it. I am sure with time you'll start seeing consistent changes. That road starts in one point, you.
glad to have you here
For me, recovery is a life changing experience. Many blessings come with it. I am sure with time you'll start seeing consistent changes. That road starts in one point, you.
glad to have you here
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi and Welcome,
I was also a control freak extraordinaire. It was the controlling nature that eventually did me in. I wasn't drinking at all during those years, never had, but I was depressed and felt constant anxiety about losing control of my kids, my family, myself. I wasn't sleeping and I turned to alcohol to self-medicate through the worst of it. I was shocked to find out that I, almost instantly, became alcoholic.
It took over my life very quickly and was hugely difficult to stop because I was so afraid of what would happen. Eventually, things were so bad, I had to stop or lose everything and that was quite a bottom for me and it meant giving up all the control I had been desparately hanging on to. And, you know what, it felt like such a relief. I was no longer responsible for everything and it felt good. I was able to start to move forward.
I hope you stick with your decision and begin recovery.
I was also a control freak extraordinaire. It was the controlling nature that eventually did me in. I wasn't drinking at all during those years, never had, but I was depressed and felt constant anxiety about losing control of my kids, my family, myself. I wasn't sleeping and I turned to alcohol to self-medicate through the worst of it. I was shocked to find out that I, almost instantly, became alcoholic.
It took over my life very quickly and was hugely difficult to stop because I was so afraid of what would happen. Eventually, things were so bad, I had to stop or lose everything and that was quite a bottom for me and it meant giving up all the control I had been desparately hanging on to. And, you know what, it felt like such a relief. I was no longer responsible for everything and it felt good. I was able to start to move forward.
I hope you stick with your decision and begin recovery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,381
Welcome
My life is so much better without drinking. And I do not miss drinking at all. It does take some ajusting to a new life. But it will get easer the longer you stay sober.
Please don't feel shame, it is not a weakness. Those AA meetings are filled with some very bright people. I've seen people that I never would of thought they had drinking problems.
My life is so much better without drinking. And I do not miss drinking at all. It does take some ajusting to a new life. But it will get easer the longer you stay sober.
Please don't feel shame, it is not a weakness. Those AA meetings are filled with some very bright people. I've seen people that I never would of thought they had drinking problems.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by C2H5OH_Free 
I know that I am probably going to wind up Obsessive-Compulsive, or that I already am OC and have just suppressed it with alcohol all these years.
.
.
.
I have no idea who the person is who will emerge from this process as I have been drinking my entire adult life.
.
.
.
I have no idea who the person is who will emerge from this process as I have been drinking my entire adult life.
If OC...finding out you are will be the starting place of finding change where it may be needed.
As for finding out who the person is that will emerge...
I am liking that person in myself more and more each day that I remain sober.
Life is good sober and with finding a solid recovery...my marriage is stronger.
You and your wife can grow closer together with each day you learn more about the person who can emerge.
An area you will need step out in faith on...
Control.
I found by giving up control, I gained control. You will find the same.
Meetings and working the steps will change your life for the better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Glad you are here. Anna graciously wrote "my" story for me 
, so I won't bore you by repeating it - letting go is scary, I still have to work at it and remind myself of the serenity prayer. My husband jokingly calls me the "ex-general manager of the universe"! It's hard work, but you can do it!
, so I won't bore you by repeating it - letting go is scary, I still have to work at it and remind myself of the serenity prayer. My husband jokingly calls me the "ex-general manager of the universe"! It's hard work, but you can do it!
rock drummer
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: lake wales , florida
Posts: 17
YEA, they don,t have the problem we do . I got to keep saying that to myself to get by and wounder why i can,t do it and they can. I am a addict that the first step in beating this problem. I can,t worry what they do. I got to see myself and change the things i can.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
